Charming: Two weeks of nonstop riding…this would’ve been a lot easier if I had just commanded someone to invent a car!
*If this is supposed to be based on an enchanted forest that houses all our beloved fairy tale characters then where did the mountains come from?*
Charming: OW! Branch!
Charming: Okay, the funeral can now begin, I’m here.
Doc: There he is! Kill him!
Not!Stealthy: He always falls for that.
*Is dead* *or sleeping* *Depends on which version you know*
Charming: Open it
Grumpy: Keep your necrophiliac lips to yourself unless you want to kiss the knuckles of my fist.
Charming: Puppy Eyes.
*Hasn’t moved much*
Charming: Oh darlin’ *Kisses*
Grumpy: Add that to things to talk about when going to therapy.
Charming: She’s alive! And henceforth every emotional scene such as this will be ruined when Disney pulls this. I have made this declaration so. Darling, what are your first words?
Snow White: Yeah Yeah, I’m up, I’m up.
Charming: Darling, I have finally arrived. I’m going to ignore the smell from the stench of your previously rotting body and we can live happily ever after.
Snow White: That’s nice *Grabs him by the scarf and pulls herself up*
Snow White: Momma needs something to eat.
Charming: Which is code for getting married right?
Snow: No, I’ve been laying here for heaven knows how long, my body did things that bodies do when they die….I kinda need food.
Charming: *Is oblivious*
Snow: *Is whispering* Who are all these people?
Charming: I don’t know! I thought you invited them.
Snow: I was surviving by myself in the forest for years! If I knew all these people do you think I would be doing that?
Charming: I was a shepherd covering for my lost twin and hunting for you constantly, what makes you think I know them?
Not!Stealthies: It’s SO emotional
Not!Stealthy second from the right: I’m SO bored.
Doc: At least PRETEND you’re enjoying yourself; this is the one opportunity we have to tell women that we’re best friends with the bride.
Evil!Queen: Sorry for the delay, I was busy murdering your entire valet parking staff.
Charming: What is she wearing?! That so…TACKY!
Snow: We’re basing most of this on the Disney version right? Didn’t the dwarves push a giant rock on her?
Doc: We might’ve…missed.
Evil!Queen: I am Rose from Titanic!
Evil!Queen: This is supposed to be a wedding? Why does your hair look like a giant butt?
Snow White: Alright, that does it!
Charming: Yeah, let me help you steady this, you just nearly disemboweled me.
Evil!Queen: And while we’re on the subject of fashion, now many birds had to die for that dress?
Charming: I don’t recall sending you out an invitation.
Evil!Queen: Nevermind about that! I’m going to make your lives miserable
Evil!Queen: But no hurry though, I’m sure you’ll have plenty of time to find a way to stop me. I’m going to be kinda slow about getting it done.
Evil!Queen: but when I actually get around to it…YOU ALL WILL BE SORRY!
Snow: *Rolls Eyes* My stepmother always has to ruin EVERYTHING
Evil!Queen: Whatever *Leaves*
Charming: I certainly showed her.
Henry: This must be before Disney political correctness got involved with fairy tales because this book is FULL of all kinds of things that a boy my age shouldn’t read!
Henry: In fact, it’s almost as big as I am!
Henry: Do you take credit cards?
Taxi!Driver: Sure…Mary Margaret…Blanchard. Look, I don’t even want to know.
Emma: I am SO glad I got out of "House" before it started sucking.
Obvious!Tool: Hello sweet thing. I hope you don’t mind but I went ahead and had the first three courses without you.
Emma: That’s okay, I’m sure we won’t be eating.
Emma: No that…was not what I meant.
Emma: Oh, but before you get started… you should know that I’m an orphan and you’re under arrest.
Emma: Yeah that’s not a joke.
Obvious!Tool: *Giggles slow down*
*Our hero ladies and gentleman. Walking in front of traffic in the middle of the night and nearly getting herself and others killed.
Obvious!Tool: Start darn you!
*How did Emma get that on with the outfit she was wearing and manage to look so good when she got inside the restaurant?*
Emma: Now that I thought of about it, I’m going to let you go. It’ll be a 500 dollar value for $19.99
Emma: Chasing someone around the middle of a busy street…wish I’d worn flats.
*Nice place. I want to be a bailbondsperson now*
Emma: One cupcake is NEVER enough for someone that’s depressed and lonely.
Emma: I wish this pilot would get picked up and it be a hit
*Wishing upon a star, VERY subtle*
Emma: Oh, but with Pan Am and Brothers and Sisters, and Playboy Bunny show what are the chances of us EVER being a hit on any network?
Emma: I think I’m going to buy some more cupca- woah. Boy scout shift ended six hours ago kid.
Henry: I’m your son!
Henry: I’m also a plot exposition device!
Emma: How did you get through that doggy door?
Henry: This is sweet! Where’s my room?
Emma: If you don’t leave right now I’m going to unleash some bailbondsperson ability on your backside
Emma: I-I mean it! You’re going to be SO sorry!
Emma: I’m going to go do it now. I’m going to get ready.
Emma: Alright, how do I dump this kid?
Emma: I’m calling the police.
Henry: Then I’ll tell them you kidnapped me and ruin your life!
Emma: You jest!
Henry: Try me.
Emma: Even though there’s probably record of you purchasing a ticket and I have an alibi, I automatically don’t bother to phone the police.
Henry: Come home with me to the appropriately named Storybrooke!! *Puppy eyes!*
Emma: Well I’m sure no one’s issued an amber alert or anything like that, and it could give more credit to the kidnapping lie so…let’s go!
Henry: Yippee! I call shotgun.
Emma: You’re riding in the trunk.
*Storybrooke’s doing pretty okay for itself*
Charming: Dangit Snow, quit releasing our dinner!
Snow: You think our baby might be a boy right?
Snow: Then why are there unicorns for a mobile? Shouldn’t there be dragons.
Charming: I think we should stay FAR FAR away from any dragon motifs out there.
Snow: So…you remember that curse thing that the Evil Queen was ranting about during our wedding?
Charming: Sort of?
Snow White: Yeah well considering she’s my archenemy I think that we MIGHT want to start looking into that.
Charming: Oh, what’s the worst that could happen? Wait a minute, you just want to meet Rumpelstiltskin again don’t you?
Charming: But we…we can’t do that. He has more fangirls than me and he loves rubbing it in my face all the time. He’s in prison and he still finds ways to text it to me. He doesn’t even have a cell phone!
Emma: How did you get out of the trunk?
Henry: I have my ways.
Emma: It’s gonna be a looonnnggg drive.
Henry: Hey, would you like to hear my pitch to network TV?
Emma: Not really.
Henry: Alright, so fairy tales are real and they all exist in the real world and I am adopted son of the villain come to get you whose supposed to snap them out of their time induced haze and kick backside and take names. Except it’s not a network pitch, it’s real in this universe and you’re going to save us all!
Emma: You want to walk to Maine, don’t you?
Henry: *Raises fist* Try it and die
Emma: It’s going to be a lllooonnnnnnngggg loonnnnnnnnggggg drive.
Guard: I know that you’re coming to him to ask a specific question that only pertains to you. And I know that your long flowery dress and noble clothes will probably give the both of you away. But even though he’s a figure with magical powers he TOTALLY can’t see through your robes…for some reason.
Rumpelstiltskin: Dude, I know it’s Snow White and Charming.
Charming: He IS magical!
Rumpel: Now how about a hug.
Rumpel: Hey pretty boy, wanna know who has more fangirls last poll?
Rumpel: This guy right here.
Charming: That does it! Screw the oncoming curse that could kill us all, we’re leaving.
Rumpel: Then you won't have a television series now will you?
Snow: I want to know if we can win.
Rumpel: Well luckily you came to right place because I’m the one that gave Regina the curse!
Rumpel: Well it was a funny idea at the time
Rumpel: But there’s a loophole that says your kid will return to defeat her!
Charming: *Slaps* Bad imp, keep your hands off my woman
Rumpel: I was just trying to be nice!
Rumpel: And now my hand is turning red. Why are you suddenly uber protective of her anyway? She can handle herself. She beat you with a rock! Oh wait, nevermind that would be hilariously easy.
Rumpel: *Whispers* I can’t believe you picked him over me.
Snow: Let’s just kinda…leave now.
Charming: You picked who over what now?
Rumpel: Hey, just so I can know when the plot point arrives into town 28 years from now can you tell me its name?
Charming: Boy or girl, it’s gonna be named Charming Jr.
Rumpel: Yeah that’s boring, I’m asking your wife the questions from now on.
Snow: Her name will be Euemma Chrysanthemum III. We’re considering shortening it.
Rumpel: Let me look as creepy as possible when saying your child’s name.
Emma: So…this is Storybrooke…kinda disappointing.
Henry: Can we go out to dinner like real families do?
Emma: Okay, you’re walking from here.
Henry: But I wanna come live with you. My mom is horrible! She’s like an evil Queen and gets a thrill out of emotionally abusing me!
Henry: I want a real childhood
Emma: Uh huh
Henry: And a real castle
Henry: And a real pony
Henry: And a real dragon
Emma: Uh huh
Henry: I’m gonna tame it
Emma: Uh huh
Henry- And fly over the silvery moon!
Emma: It’s nice to have delusions.
Mr. Hopper: Did someone mention having delusions?
Henry: Oh, my shrink…just in time for the plot in which everyone things I’m crazy.
Mr. Hopper: Whose the new girl?
Emma: I’m his mother!
Mr. Hopper: So…there’s no father is there?
Emma: It’s kinda sad that your line is the most romantic one I’ve heard all night?
Mr. Hopper: Yeah, I’m sorry. I don’t have a dating life considering I treat like everyone here.
Henry: It’s because my mother’s a soul sucker who wants to destroy everything she touches and no one has the cajones to tell her off
Mr. Hopper: So how long are you staying?
Emma: At least for a season. I thought this would be a good role…hey what are you doing?
Mr. Hopper: And your mother is NOT a soul sucking vampire Henry. If you wanted to know what those are then you should’ve met my parents.
Emma: I think I’m starting to overstay my welcome.
Henry: You don’t even know the half of it.
Charming: Apparently the curse is real! I was able to confirm it by sending out my men and making them listen to the animals. Rumpelstiltskin was right! I don’t know why we couldn’t have just…done that in the first place and I didn’t even know we spoke “Woodland creature” but since this is the pilot I figure we can go with it.
Jiminy: If I may say something…
Charming: Oh good heavens, look at the size of that bug! Someone fetch me my bug smashing shoe!
Charming: We should all be worried about this curse.
Snow: Well it’s not like she’s in any hurry. I mean we’ve gotten married and I’ve gotten pregnant and this baby is nearly to term and she’s…what? Trying to figure out which horse is gonna die?
Blue!Fairy: If I may be of some assistance…
Charming: Oh good heavens, look at the size of that fly! Someone fetch me my bug smashing flyswatter!
Blue!Fairy: We have found a tree that can be turned into a cupboard that will allow you to be transported to another reality just in convenient time before the curse comes!
Charming: I didn’t understand half of that.
Blue!Fairy: Oh, but you should know that there’s only one like it in the world and luckily it was on our side of the forest and it’ll only hold one person.
Charming: What if we both climb in it and hug really tight?
Emma: Kid, your house rules! From now on, I’m ignoring every horrible thing you say about your mother.
Henry: And it was paid for by the blood of the innocent.
Emma: Henry, construction workers aren’t the blood of the innocent, they get paid for what they do.
Henry: Are you sure I can’t run away and live with you?
Emma: Do you want to be put in the trunk again?
Henry: My real mom said that I can live with her now!
Emma: I am gonna punch your lying kid. He’s going to get on so many people’s nerves eventually that they’re going to cheer when I do it!
Emma: I’m Emma, his real mother by the way.
Graham: I think I should…see what Henry is up to.
Emma: Am I gonna get reimbursed for the gas it took to drive your kid up here?
*Hint of a glare*
*Get used to it, they’re her favorite looks*
Emma: Oh, I’ll have a small one thanks.
Regina: Oh trust me, this is more for me than it is for you.
Emma: So…how about your kid disappearing for hours and you not knowing about it?
Regina: Are you trying to insinuate that I’m a neglectful parent?
Emma: Oh NO, I’m sure you’ll all be laughing about this ten years from now. I’m sure running away from the adopted mother you think is an evil queen and unsealing your adoption somehow is TOTALLY just a phase.
Graham: Now that some of the backstory has been given, I’m conveniently back! You should know that Henry is fine. I threatened to taser him if he ever did it again, but other than that I think he’ll sleep soundly!
Regina: Well done, Graham! *Bedroom looks*
Emma: *Is oblivious*
Regina: You’re not going to stay for the benefit of my undisciplined son, are you?
Emma: Oh totally not!
Regina: Good because if you stayed and something should happen…
Regina:...just saying that it’d be a shame is all.
Emma: If I didn’t know any better, I’d think you were vaguely threatening me!
Regina: Whatever would give you that idea?
Emma: Listen, I have no want to have anything to do with the kid that you obviously screwed up. I mean, according to him Snow White has just given birth and been frozen that way for 28 years! That…no WONDER she’s celibate.
Regina: How did he figure all this out?!....I mean…yeah…I wonder.
Emma: Since I’m certain that this kid’s arrival has absolutely NOTHING to do with the wish I made, so I’m just going to go home, give myself a dose of brain bleach and forget this ever happened!
Regina: Oh finally! I’ll even start your car for you! I mean…drive carefully. *Surpassed evil laugh*
Emma: Well I’m sure that after two minutes of meeting with his mother everything is perfectly fine!
Emma: What was that?!
Emma: Probably not a good idea to keep driving just after I’ve had an alcoholic drink and I’ve been driving for hours but I just NEED to get out of this town before their craziness rubs off on me.
Emma: Good thing I memorized the kid’s address because there is NO way I’m heading back.
Paxington the Wolf: S’up?
*Well our hero is dead. That certainly didn’t take long.*
Paxington the Wolf: Pwned!
*This book is like a giant ‘up yours’ to spoilerphobes*
*How exactly is Snow supposed to fit in that thing? Looks like it'd be a bit cramped*
Snow: I’m suddenly having second thoughts about our little situation!
Charming: Well, what is 28 years when you have eternal love?!
Snow: I don’t know, maybe because you’ll be headed towards the prime of your life while I’ll be headed towards menopause!?! But good to know that you’re using that cliché of the day app I bought you.
Charming: I forgot to use yesterdays…um…you will save me as I saved you!
Snow: Oh honey…Now that I know that, I think this is the perfect time to tell you that I dated Rumpel in college.
Charming: I KNEW IT! Someone fetch me my Rumpelstiltskin smacking stick!
Snow: Also, our baby is on the way.
*Is it a good idea to have a drunk and a narcoleptic as the guys watching for your curse?*
*Slowest curse ever. Did it stop at redlights?*
*Really show? REALLY?!*
Emma: Oh this is something I’ve experienced more than once.
Leroy: I requested that we share a cell and save room but no dice.
Gepetto: I exist too!
Emma: I think I have a concussion and severe spinal injuries why wasn’t I taken to the hospital?
Leroy: Well you didn’t activate the C4 I hid in there so we all agreed that you’re going to be fine.
Graham: For the last time Leroy, stop making up those stories and scaring away potential tourists!
Leroy: Heh heh, you THINK I’m making it up.
Emma: I will RUN out of this town and all the way to Boston if I have to.
Graham: Now don’t be so dramatic.
Emma: How does everyone now know that I’m his mother? The only ones that knew were you and Regina. Did you text everyone?!
Graham: Oh- well, I…uh….
Regina: Graham, Henry pulled that thing that he pulled yesterday and long story short I think it’s time we implement the taser plan.
Emma: I’ll hold him down!
Emma: And good thing for you, I also HAPPEN to find people for a living.
Emma: So…Henry has a credit card?!
Regina: He’s ten years old!
Emma: So…yes then?
Emma: Well this looks like a perfectly trustworthy creditable sight!
Regina: Stupid website *Glares*
Mary Margaret Blanchard: Now remember that birds are lovable companions and we should all treat our birdhouses as if they’re not just tossed together and will blow over as soon as a strong wind hits
*Let’s also ignore the fact that the bright lime green birdhouses to the left and right of MM look EXACTLY the same. *
Mary: Because maybe birds are the only thing you have because maybe you’re only interested in bad boys who take your haircut and your clothes into consideration and they all say ‘no Mary Margaret, let’s just be friends’ and maybe you have to go home and talk and cry to your birds because they’re the only creatures that talk to you back without making you feel inadequate-
Bird: SQUAWK! SQUAWK! SQUAWK! SQUAWK! SQUAWK! SQUAWK!
Mary: But I digress….
Mary: Fly free little bird! Fly free!
*Way to make the children believe that birds WON’T fly away from them as soon as they approach*
Regina: Stupid children *Glares*
Regina: Henry ran away and I’m blaming you for putting ideas into his head…And for issuing out your credit card. Don’t ask me why I just didn’t go to the school board about this.
Emma: I’m Emma, his biological mother by the way!
Regina: I wish there was a scene with us sitting awkwardly for that car ride up here. That would’ve been great.
Mary: What are you talking about?! Henry didn’t take my credit cards. What an absurd thing to say, I –Oh.
*The kid cleaned her out? How did she not notice?*
*Double attack. Nice*
Mary: Please don’t hurt me.
Regina: She knows nothing. I’m going home.
Mary: You’re his mother, it’s so nice to meet you. Maybe you can be my best friend and then you can adopt Henry and we’ll all be one big happy family!
Emma: I don’t see that happening. Seriously. Like EVER.
Mary: You just need time to adjust to the idea.
Emma: No, I don’t think I do...in fact I think I should start heading back to my car. Right now
Mary: I’ll walk you out!
Mary: Henry and I bonded over our mutual woobie status and lonely lives and he told me a lot of interesting things.
Mary: Like how he was tossed out by one mother to be emotionally kicked around by another.
Mary: Oh….maybe that came out wrong.
Emma: You think?
Mary: It sounded so much better in my head.
Emma: I don’t know how that could’ve EVER sounded good anywhere.
Charming: Is it situations like this where we change mattresses afterwards?
Snow: SHUT UP! If it weren’t for YOU I wouldn’t BE in this situation.
Charming: *Is hurt* You…don’t…mean that.
Snow: I should’ve married Rumpelstiltskin!
Charming: Doc! She’s delusional!
Snow: He would’ve invented the epidural for me!
Gepetto: It’s ready! If we smash her in there, she should fit pretty good.
Doc: I should conveniently tell you that it’s too late to move her.
Evil!Queen: I had time to cast the spell, visit my father’s grave, gather my men, give them instructions, and ride here…fill the tank with gas three times and go on twelve food stops and we’re STILL almost caught up with this stupid curse.
Snow: Well…in the amount of time for the queen to smirk, the baby just…slipped right out and we’ve had time to clean her and wrap her up and everything.
Charming: And you’re still lying in the leaky gross stuff that came out with the baby.
Snow: Some people would call that sacred
Snow: You know…that cupboard IS big enough to hold the baby
Charming: You know…I never even noticed!
Snow: You should put her in!
Charming: Can I crawl in and hide too?
Snow: No, that cancels it out for some unexplained reason.
Charming: Well, If the sake of convenience demands it then I have no choice but to carry out the plot!
Charming: Do I look awesome?
Charming: Kind of wish that I commanded a guard to stay with you while I run off and try and save our daughter…but guess not.
Snow: I REALLY wish I’d married Rumpel
Charming: Are you all prepared to…WHAT are you wearing on your head?!
Charming: Always remember this moment Emma. This is daddy’s coolest scene.
*I really can’t make fun of this scene. It’s FAR too awesome*
Charming: And when the Evil Queen sees you she will know that whumpage occurred…hey wait a minute why don’t I have a guard with me to further protect my daughter? This injury is like just three inches away from her face!
Charming: So long Emma, you’re awful big for a newborn.
Charming: And here comes more awesome!
Emma: Hey kid, you left your book in my car and it was the only thing undamaged in the entire thing because I took my eyes off the road to look at it so thank you for that. Also, you should know that since you’ve been missing for hours at a time and skipped at least ONE day of school Child Protective Services is looking at your case.
Emma: Or at least that’s what would probably normally happen, but here’s your book back. Let’s just face it Child Protective Services is so much of a joke that you’d probably get left in your horrible horrible environment leaving you more depressed than usual.
Henry: I think it’s an appropriate time to tell you that I cut the brakes on your car so that you couldn’t leave.
Emma: Henry! That kills people!
Henry: The speed limit is like “5” here. You wouldn’t have done THAT much damage.
Emma: *Is worried*
Henry: Want to go roller skating with me?
Emma: Why don’t you ask your mom that question?
Henry: Could you actually see her saying yes to that?
Emma: Not really
Emma: Well, book is returned and hopefully my car is out of impound…if you guys have that here. I’m going home now.
Henry: My mother suppresses everything creative about me. Please don’t make me go back.
Emma: Well I was left on the side of the road and bounced from foster home to foster home in an obvious lie that there are no good foster homes AT ALL. So let’s just compare whose life sucks more
Henry: Without a doubt it’s mine.
Emma: I am going to say this one more time. You cannot come home with me. You have a cool house right? And a teacher that wouldn’t have noticed you stole from her until you cleaned her out completely those two things ought to count for something!
Emma: What was THAT look?!
Henry: Unlike me, you were loved! That’s why you ended up like you did! You were abandoned with love!
Emma: That makes no sense.
Henry: Hold my hand!
Emma: I don’t want to hold your…FINE.
Snow: I’m the evil queen’s archenemy, how am I still alive and or unguarded by the evil queen’s men?!
Snow: OH NO!
Charming: You’re kneeling on my shoulder wound!
Snow: It’s alright! I know CPR!
Charming: Shouldn’t there be chest compressions in here somewhere?!
Evil!Queen: Is he dead or not? If he’s dead in this universe then how exactly is he supposed to be alive in the other universe?
Snow: Why are you doing this?!
Evil!Queen: Seriously? You’re aware that you ruined my life in the flashbacks of episode 3 and you’re playing innocent now?
Snow: Yeah you’re right, that is kind of stupid.
Evil!Queen: FINALLY, last time we saw the curse it was approaching the castle! And yet all this had time to happen. Is it charged by my gloating?
*Is being cut up with various pieces of glass*
Snow: Hey Evil!Queen, do you know what people are going to do wen they find out why you hate me so much?
Regina: Is this gonna be a habit of yours Henry? Why can’t you get addicted to caffeine like normal children?
Emma: You know what’s funny? In the past 24 hours I’ve learned far more about your child then you’ve ever learned about him.
Regina: Well that would explain a lot. You’re both outcast losers who would rather run away than face up.
Regina: So step off woman unless you want to see what else I taught Henry other than cutting brake lines.
Emma: Soul sucking vampire…starting to see it now.
Regina: If you don’t stay away from my son I will smirk and glare the HECK out of you!
*Is failing at glaring back*
Regina: Have a good life.
Emma: Oh by the way I was signed on to lead this show
Regina: They said I was!
Emma: Then then I guess that makes them liars!
Henry: And this is the point in my career that I stop being Jared Gilmore and start being the kid that played Henry Mills.
Mary: Working at a hospital is nothing but further proof that I am a paragon of virtue and working here will in NO way come back to mar that further in the series.
Emma: Who did I ask directions to the inn from?
Granny: Ruby, if you go out to a club and miss your shift then I’m going to have to pull on short shorts and fill in for you!
Emma: Yeah that wasn’t awkward to imagine at all!
Granny: A real person?!
Granny: This is SO exciting!
*Trots to the book*
*I dig that scarf*
Granny: Alright, how about that name …oh no.
Mr. Gold: My name is NOT Rumpelstiltskin and I have NO IDEA about anything that’s going on under the surface of this town!
Emma: I don’t believe you!
Mr. Gold: Then you’re just going to have to die.
Granny: He just hit on you three times in that look.
Granny: Here’s a bribe, please don’t ever look at me like that.
Mr. Gold: I’ll try and restrain myself but no promises!
Mr. Gold: I normally dress way better than this but my other clothes are in the wash.
*Is checking her out*
Emma: That’s…good to know.
Mr. Gold: Well, now that I just gave a lot of people further reason to watch this show I’m going to go do vague things that in NO WAY mean that I have ANY idea of what’s going on.
Emma: I feel like I need a shower.
Ruby: I hate watching him go. But I SURE love watching him leave.
Emma: *Is disgusted*
Granny: You’ll have to forgive her. She’s got problems
Emma: Good thing I’m only staying for a week…there isn’t by any chance a few extra bolt locks on my door is there?
Granny: Silly woman, there are no locks INSIDE the doors!
Granny: But enjoy your stay!
*Time is unfrozen*
*That kid has some great vision*
I do not own any of the images or the show it came from. They belong to ABC and associates.