Once Upon A Time: Abridged: 115 - The Queen is Dead Part 2

Baelfire: Henry! Stop trying to push me out into traffic!

Henry: Well then walk in front of cars voluntarily!

Baelfire: ….

Baelfire: This is really starting to be something I do NOT remember signing up for!

Baelfire: You know what kid? I’m hungry, let’s get something to eat.

Henry: I hope it’s a bowl of soup….you can’t detect poison in a bowl of soup.

Baelfire: Pizza it is!

Henry: Curses.

Emma: Yeah! Don’t invite me in, Bae! You douche! Henry will totally learn to respect me with YOU as a father figure!

Rumpelstiltskin: And you thought I’d be a poor example

Rumpelstiltskin: Oh sorry, did I say that out loud? I was too busy gloating that I totally have a family now that loves me.

Emma: No one loves you.

Rumpelstiltskin: *Is sing songy* I don’t bel-ieve you!

Rumpelstiltskin: Although it’s sort of a mixed bag….hitting on my son’s baby’s mom now means I’m the dirtiest old man I’ve ever met

Emma: So does this mean that I have the pleasure of not putting up with that anymore?

Emma: Not that I’m bummed or excited or anything…

Rumpelstiltskin: It feels like the end of an era….

Rumpelstiltskin: *Checks out*

Emma: Stop that.

Rumpelstiltskin: *Pouts*

Emma: *Sort of liked it*

Rumpelstiltskin: So, looks like we’re stuck dealing with Bae now since he’s the only that legally has rights to Henry….you should convince him to come with us.

Rumpelstiltskin: We could save him from Danvers!

Emma: Danvers the Dove….my archenemy….

Rumpelstiltskin: But you know…you don’t have to ask the man that screwed you over …I mean it’s not like I need my son as a moral compass and Henry needs a father figure who isn’t Charming and you need a man that you have feelings for-

Emma: My dad is just a fine parental figure, thank you very much!

Rumpelstiltskin: *Is waiting for it*

Emma: EW! I don’t have feelings for your son!

Rumpelstiltskin: *Is satisfied* You did that flail of love that you normally do when you’re lying to yourself about your feelings.

Emma: I do NOT have a flail!

Baelfire: Hey, what’re you guys talking about?

Emma: Geez, you horked that down pretty quickly.

Henry: So Bae’s not too bad. I’ll allow him to live for today.

Emma: Oh. Really.

Baelfire: Yeah, he said I had potential to be at his next ‘Show and Tell’.

Emma: Oh that…that’s exciting. Thanks for bringing us out something to eat…

Henry: Yeah, but if he doesn’t impress me at the end of the day, I'll just make him disappear.

Emma: That’s….my son.

Regina: Ugh, good people.

Snow: Hey Regina, guess what day it is!

Regina: Tuesday.

Snow: The Tuesday of my birthday if our calendars are the same as the old world.

Regina: Oh, the day of your unfortunate birth. That.

Regina: I hope you’re not here to invite to the party because I certainly wouldn’t get the attention that I felt I deserved on the day of your birth.

Snow: *Is imitating Regina’s face*

Snow: Oh, how do you keep it like that? That hurts!

Regina: Please tell me that you didn’t call me in here to waste my time. I have important ex-mayoral duties to do!

Snow: I know you want to kill me!

Regina: Oh get over it! It’s your fault for not automatically forgiving me in the month I actually tried to be good!

Snow: It’s going to take longer than that. Frankly, me calling you down here is more than what you deserve in terms of 40 billionth 2nd chances.

Regina: I’m the hero!

Snow: *Can’t believe what she’s hearing*

Snow: Uh-huh. Then why are you trying to hide what you’re going to do from Henry by forcing Rumpelstiltskin to do the killing for you?

Regina: Because….it’s your entire fault somehow, that’s why!

Snow: *Is struggling to hold in her laughter* Yeah, you letting yourself get manipulated by the woman you KNOW set you up is totally my fault. Grow a backbone Regina.

Snow: Because if you don’t, my Mary Margaret is a blink away from wiping you all over this diner and you do NOT want to mess with her.

Regina: *Is worried.* I’m leaving!

Snow: Your mother would sell you out in a heartbeat if she could, Regina. You’d have to be the stupidest person in the world not to see that.

Regina: *Actual dialogue* What would you know about mothers?

Snow: Well, not much since you took my chance to be one away from me.

Snow: Um…my birthday’s gonna be at any minute now…can’t we hurry this up.

Guy I Recognize from Hell on Wheels: Sorry princess, but we can’t find a cure…It would probably be better if we changed her out of something comfortable but that seems to be the only dress she owns…

Snow: Mommiez, can I have your slice of cake if you don’t want it?

Guy I Recognize from Hell on Wheels: So…you doing anything tonight?

Johanna: : I wouldn’t say no to a drive in movie…

Snow: Mom, you’re always trying to get attention from me! Shape up! This is probably just your arthritis or something…and why are you wearing your shoes to bed?!

Snow: Seriously though, shape up. Who else will watch executions with me?

Ava: One day…you will have to watch executions yourself…

Snow: But I’m too young yet! Who’ll sit there and snark with me?

Snow: Well, that fellow Rumpelstiltskin might, but he never comes with I invite him.

Snow: And then there’s that Prince James weirdo but he stopped coming over after I beat him up.

Ava: So this is why your father says you’ll never get married.

Ava: Oh dear, that pink dress is revolting.

Johanna: : Alright, time to get you into your jimmy jams.

Snow: Um….I’m not going anywhere, my MOM is dying!

Johanna: : We’ll play some Call of Duty for a while to pass the time.

Ava: OH gross, my daughter’s pink dress is so hideous, it gave me tuberculosis!

Johanna: So…the structure on this place.

Snow: How is this NOT creepy?

Snow: Seriously, I have nightmares that I’m being chased all up and down this hallway. But the guards are wearing big black doofy costumes. I could probably get on to dad about changing them.

Johanna: *Is bracing herself* It’s okay, I’ll…hug you.

Snow: Why can’t YOU be my stepmother?

Johanna: I…don’t know. Seriously, didn’t your father say something about how no one else wanted to be your mom? Hel-looooo. You’re going to marry a peasant someday! So I don’t think my status means anything! Am I already married or something? Doesn't seem like it.

Snow: I know, right? You wouldn’t kill my dad!

Johanna: Yeah…well….

Johanna: Okay, no, you can’t get your snot all over my best dress.

Johanna: Your mom is best friends with a fairy

Snow: Oh…that’s great…where is she?

Johanna: Where she always is. Not doing much of anything.

Johanna: Which means that you should automatically go see her by yourself!

Snow: I am so there! You’re going to have to help me slip the guard though.

Johanna: : Oh don’t worry about that, I’ve dated most of them in my time; I know exactly what foods will be required to get them away from you.

Snow: And cancel the executions.

Johanna: Don’t be silly Snow, we can still have those!

Henry: I’m still vying for you, stepdad!

Rumpelstiltskin: I can’t even think about seducing Emma without wanting to bathe my eyes in acid!

Henry: *Hates Bae even more*

Baelfire: So…just randomly showing up at my apartment and demanding to see me to drop life changing news in my lap, huh? Kinda like-

Emma: Yes, Neal. I’m aware of the parallels.

Baelfire: And don’t worry about Henry killing me. I’m packing heat….and by heat I mean one of those toy guns with the orange cap at the end of the barrel that you get at the dollar store.

Emma: He took that out of your pocket fifteen minutes ago.

Baelfire: Oh…

Emma: *Is awkward*

Baelfire: You know…you haven’t changed much from eleven years ago.

Emma: *Is insulted* So I looked in my thirties then too, huh?

Baelfire: *Isn’t going the way he’d hoped* No! I just-

Emma: You can apologize for that remark by coming to Storybrooke with us.

Baelfire: Whoa! Did you expect me to just not hear that?

Emma: Yeah.

Baelfire: I have like…important stuff to do in town when you’re not here watching me…stuff that I can’t talk about with…ex-lovers.

Baelfire: GAH!

Henry: Yes. Stay. No one wants you home!

Henry: *Runs off*

Baelfire: We really need to have a talk about him.

Emma: Listen, if you come home with me then it means that things are going to be incredibly awkward and Rumpelstiltskin will always feel gross about trying to get me to marry him. It’ll be hilarious; we could troll the whole town and put an end to people wanting me to get with like…eight different guys. But I’m totally dating Archie though. Not you.