Once Upon A Time: Abridged: 221 - Second Star to the Right Part 1

Baelfire: Okay, that’s a sprain….

Baelfire: What a pain…at least my floofy hair is in place…now maybe that I’m in the new land, people will stop mistaking me for the sheepdog.

Baelfire: Oh this…kind of looks the same…

Baelfire: What happened to my voice?! Did the portal put me through puberty!

Baelfire: Okay so…I've seen a carriage before. The land without magic that is completely different really translates as ‘the land without magic most of the time that is only sort of different’. That’s nice to know.

Baelfire: Oh good, I read and speak English. I was sort of wondering if we did. And we speak it exactly like 19^th century England did even though we have such names like BAELFIRE and RUMPELSTILTSKIN.

Baelfire: Huh. That’s new.

Baelfire: This sucks, I can’t wait till McDonalds is invented.

Baelfire: This can’t be London! There’s no smog OR Sherlock Holmes!

Baelfire: Well that constable that just passed me looks busy and this is a crowded street…but I think I’ll get in fine.

Baelfire: Whoa. Rich people! I’m gonna turn on all their lights!

Baelfire: I am gonna steal them blind! In broad daylight!

Baelfire: Oh…look at you little bread *Tickles* You look good enough to eat!

Wendy: Oh god, a psycho! Maybe if I can just sneak up on him…

Baelfire: Instead of just taking the whole loaf, I’ll stick some in my FILTHY POCKET for later.

Baelfire: *Is caught* Oh…hey…someone made off with your bread but I chased them away…

Wendy: Wow…you’re out on the streets all by yourself? *Is in love*

Baelfire: What sort of abomination are you holding?

Wendy: I don’t know but now this statue is sort of creepy now that you bring it up…

Wendy: Here, have all of it.

Baelfire: Is it mine?

Wendy: *Is being sarcastic* No! I’m just letting you smell it to know that you’ll never have it again!

Baelfire: *Cries*

Wendy: Oh so you don’t get sarcasm…you’ll never make it on London streets! Live here!

Baelfire: Heh. My inability to provide for myself and steal gets me chicks *Makes note of that*

Baelfire: Oh pillow crack…you’re the only one that provides darkness that is okay for me to live by.

Tamara: Dangit, the tranquilizers are wearing off!

Baelfire: Six…zero…zer-

Baelfire: I SLEPT ALL DAY?!

Tamara: It’s only six in the morning, baby.

Baelfire: Ugh, lady, you have issues.

Tamara: *Creepy ‘you can trust me’ smile* Oh wait, his eyes aren’t open to see that.

Tamara: Just tranq his morning coffee and I’ll be ready to go!

Baelfire: Finally, I have the bed all to myself and don’t have to hear Tamara snoring…

*Hears frantic sobbing*

Baelfire: UGH! What’s dad done now?!

Rumpelstiltskin: For the sake of whatever it is that we worship, Vic! MOVE!

Victor: No! I know my accent is in there drinking its problems away and I am laying down in protest until it comes out and joins me!

Rumpelstiltskin: You are in my parking spot! And if you don’t move, then neither does my foot!

Lacey: Yep! You tell him, puddin’!

Victor: No! You have the worst smelling feet in all the realms!

Rumpelstiltskin: Oh! Well just for that…

Baelfire: Piggy back ride!

Lacey: Careful, my unmatching heels!

Rumpelstiltskin: You’re too old for this, Bae! I keep telling you!

Rumpelstiltskin: How humiliating! I stopped doing that for you when you were twelve!

Lacey: Mmhmm, how I love watching him leave….

Victor: *Casually walks away*

*No, seriously, he actually does*

Baelfire: Dad, I thought we talked about this whole ‘beating people up for no reason’ LAST season!

Lacey: I’m sorry, but who are you?

Baelfire: Who is SHE?!

Rumpelstiltskin: Lacey, just do us a favor and go unlock my shop and make me a sandwich

Lacey: Fine, I didn’t want to hear the juicy gossip anyway.

Baelfire: So…how about completely ignoring me since we’ve been in town.

Rumpelstiltskin: We couldn’t focus on the storyline that set everything in the show in place! We had to focus on two Regina centric episodes! One about August that wasn’t about August and one about Belle when she wasn’t really Belle!

Baelfire: Well I guess I’ll just have to go have my centric without you, then!

Rumpelstiltskin: You can’t have a centric episode without me! I’m the more interesting one of the both of us!

Baelfire: Well maybe I’ll just bring Hook in on it!

Rumpelstiltskin: *Is grinning to hide his annoyance* I’m sorry, what?

Baelfire: The writers really dropped the ball with us focusing on rebuilding our relationship, so I’m going to go hang out with Emma and Tamara and Henry and bond and you can like…sit behind your counter and be mysterious!

Rumpelstiltskin: It’s worked for me for 300 years!

Baelfire: That was supposed to be AN INSULT!

Baelfire: You know what…I’m just going to take care of this right here! *Ahem*

Baelfire: *Pouts*

Rumpelstiltskin: No! Anything but that!

Baelfire: Well take some time to think about how you’re acting then!

Rumpelstiltskin: Eh, it’s his centric episode. It’s not like anything BAD will happen!

Emma: So…let me get this straight…Regina brainwashes Belle and we don’t arrest her…we find out later that she wants to slaughter EVERYONE and we let her run around unbound…

Charming: Yep…but she destroys the bean field that we didn’t set up patrol in and that witch is going down…

Emma: How does logic in our show work again?

Henry: It doesn’t…and why am I HERE?!

Snow: Probably to beg us not to arrest Regina and make us all feel bad.

Emma: Guys, I think something’s wrong…

Charming: I could make a great salad with this…

Henry: Leave it to my least favorite gramps to think about his stomach at a time like this!

Emma: Hey guys…like…it was just established to be six in the morning….so did you guys all get up and find the bean field wrecked this morning or…like...did we just wait the entire night before we went after Regina and gave her time to get away?

Henry: Don’t’ look into continuity of the show, mom, it doesn’t work.

Emma: I’m just trying to make sense of this insanity!

Emma: *GASP!* The security override has been overridden!

*Dramatic Chipmunk reactions*

Charming: Perhaps she just forgot the code!

Emma: Likely. It IS Regina…

Snow: Perhaps she has been kidnapped and possibly killed!

Emma: …

Emma: Promise?

Henry: But she’s my mom or something

Emma: Henry, I’m pretty sure custody would normally be legally lost by now and I’m not even sure your adoption WAS legal.

Charming: Well…we better…save her I guess.

Snow: Ugh, if she’s hurt, I’m not letting her have my bed.

Emma: Couldn’t we just go out and have breakfast first?

Snow: Emma, if you keep putting it off, then you’ll never get it done!

Charming: Okay, maybe just a chicken biscuit…

Snow: He ALWAYS folds!

Charming: But we can’t wait around for the cheese!

Emma: Cheese is the best part!

Snow: Honey is!

Charming: Cheese is a good addition too…

*Okay, so Regina was presumably taken in daylight to this place the day or evening before since Bae wakes up at 6. It’s possible that they waited till the evening to move her. How come no one saw anything and why is no one at the cannery? Did it close down once someone realized that one of the fishermen got turned into a fish?*

Hook: ……

Regina: This is weird.

Greg: He’s just been standing over her staring randomly the whole night. It’s starting to even freak ME out.

Tamara: He’s a good ally!

Greg: You just say that because he has great hair!

Tamara: He helped us get this!

Tamara: It’s said they open portals! Woe to the first person who ate one of these and found out the hard way!

Greg: Are these things that you sit there and think about?

Tamara: Sorry, my fake personality leaks through every now and again.

Tamara: But this is coming off once we’re done here. Unless I need to hit someone…because the diamond makes for a great weapon.

Greg: *Sort of actual dialogue* Well maybe you can use this to replace it.

Tamara: I’m flattered, but it’s sort of big…

Tamara: I did hear a story about how Rumpelstiltskin tried to give Emma an engagement ring as big as her head.

Tamara: Maybe this is it even though it's smaller! Maybe by ‘head’ he meant ‘brain’

Tamara: *Smiles at own joke*

Greg: Huh?

Tamara: *Is disappointed* Never mind….

Regina: Hook, I’m not playing ‘head-butt the hook’ anymore.

Hook: Must….resist….

Regina: Ugh! Stop trying to get a sneak down my shirt you weirdo!

Hook: You were all for it when you told me that you would help me kill Rumpelstiltskin!

Regina: And so now they’re promising it and you fall right in line?

Regina: Man, would it be easy domesticating you! ‘Hey Hook, mow the lawn! Do it and I’ll help you kill Rumpelstiltskin.’

Hook: Hey! I’d catch on eventually!

Greg: Stop trying to get peeks down Regina’s shirt! I told you four times already!

Regina: If you’re here to restart my heart, I should tell you that it hasn’t been used for so long that cobwebs and dust might be shaken and they might fly out my ears and mouth.

Greg: I’m sure that could be said about your brain too.

Greg: This is personal by the way. For what you did to my father.

Regina: Oh for heaven’s sake, I can’t take a man from his young child without that young child moping about it and wanting justice!

Greg: You know, this might’ve gone a lot differently if you had just told me immediately what you did to him. Instead you just keep it a secret for your own kicks and giggles. I mean…why? What, other than spite, did you get out of this?

Greg: Hey Hook, do you mind putting your hook in that socket over there?

Hook: No! I’ll get electrocuted! I already fell for that trick once! And just for your attempted murder on me…I’m going to randomly wander around town! I heard there’s a cotton candy booth set up!

Greg: Why is AM/FM tuning doing here?

Regina: It’s gonna take a lot higher voltage to get this beater going…

Greg: …

Greg: You do know the meter is broken, right?

Regina: Oh…that…um…that doesn’t…bug me!

Regina: You’re not very good at this anyway. I mean from this angle, it looks like I can slip my wrist right out!

Greg: STOP! I’ve been professionally trained!

Wendy: Good to know that over a century ago, lovesick girls were still hiding boys in their rooms away from their parents! I’m just like Bella Swan!

Baelfire: When are you going to get me that spot as a butler…I hate to tell you but the rats are NOT good company! They fight me over the food!

Wendy: Having you up in the attic is great! You’re moving around scares my brothers and they think there’s a ghost in the house! It’s friggin’ great!

Baelfire: *Sniffs*

Wendy: Um…Bae?

Baelfire: You touched this napkin!

Baelfire: That’s what my dad used to do and after he got curs- CHANGED! Changed! After he got changed, it worked for him!

Wendy: Oh, who gives a tosh about your dad?

Daddy Darling: I certainly do!

Mama Darling: *Wishes Colin O’Donoghue got double casted for this role*

Wendy: Dad! He was poor on the street and I got him stealing bread and right before I bashed his head in with that creepy statue, he gave me his puppy eyes and we were in love!