Once Upon A Time: Abridged: 115 - The Queen is Dead Part 1

*SUBTLETY*

Snow: Oh geez, looks like I have the sort of puberty where I age backwards in accordance to the nonlinear timeline. Great.

Ava: And Snow asked for eight executions for her to watch. It’s her birthday so as a reward; she gets more than the six she demands daily. And make sure they’re the type that begs! I want everything to be PERFECT.

Snow: You’re getting me executions?!

Ava: Oh honey, it was supposed to be a surprise!

Snow: *Squee!*

Ava: Oh. Wow. That dress is pink….I was sort of hoping that you’d go with the red one because we’d match….

Snow: I’m sorry….WHO’S birthday is this?

Ava: *Dramatic sigh* YOURS.

Snow: I KNEW you’d see it my way!

Snow: And can we make the gladiators fight to the death this time?

Ava: No sweetie, no gladiators until your sixteen and married and then you can oogle their hot sweaty muscles in little loincloths all you want! Just like mommy does!

Snow: This is the best life ever!

Ava: And I wouldn’t have it any other way!

Johanna: Walk out with the bling and set up your own Downton Abbey.

Johanna: Mm, hello Mrs. Patmore.

*I sort of wished she’d been Mrs. Potts. Just so she and Rumpel could snark at each other*

Snow: What are you doing?! Off with your head!

Ava: Now Snow, let’s not get ahead of ourselves….

Johanna: What are you, like five years old? I changed your diapers; the least you can let me do is steal your crown! I mean…wear your crown!

Ava: Snow, you’re only allowed eight executions and the spots have been filled!

Snow: Next year then! Throw her in the dungeons!

Ava: Dangit Snow, I can’t! She knows enough about my spring break vacation to Neverland with Hook to blackmail me!

Snow: Wow, you set that bar low.

Ava: Rumpelstiltskin was married that week and he was determined to make it work.

Ava: They divorced the week after but the chance was gone, okay? When you get to college, you better nab him. I want to live in his castle for my retirement years.

Ava: As for YOU, I will forgive this one mistake because you’re Mrs. Patmore, but don’t DARE make any other mistake again. I’ll be watching you.

Ava: Now Snow, what do we tell our servants to keep them in line?

Snow: *Ahem:* Good night, Westley. Good work. Sleep well. I'll most likely kill you in the morning.

Ava: Wonderful!

Johanna: But my name’s not even Westley.

Ava: Now, did I show you the seating arrangement? Everyone’s been seated with everyone who hates each other so mommy will be entertained and if we’re lucky, we’ll start a few wars in the process.

Ava: Oh the fun you’ll have as queen when you’re husband’s not around!

Snow: Where is dad, anyway?

Ava: Oh he muttered something about not being available for this episode and we’ll probably find him drunk in a barn somewhere….yeah…’peace talks’ my aunt fanny.

Snow: Will I get to call my husband foul names and throw things just like you do?

Ava: All that and more!

Ava: Oh, I feel dizzy. Must have been that wine I drank to get through this day….

Johanna: I’ll just take this ring…

Snow: Geez mom, you’ll do anything to get out of celebrating my birthday

Snow: Man, mom would be so disappointed with me.

Charming: Snow…do I look sexy with my dishrag on this shoulder or the other one?

Charming: Why are you giving me that look? Pancakes are your favorite!

Snow: I’m pretty sure that they’re yours.

Charming: Well they may be kind of my favorite breakfast of all time but you woke me up last night when I was dreaming about ninjas and infiltrating a boarding school of a headmistress that could turn into a dragon and you said you wanted pancakes. I remember because I wanted to see how that dream would end and now I’ll get stuck forever wondering.

Charming: Not that I’m bitter.

Snow: It’s my first birthday being awake, my mother’s death day, and my daughter and grandson aren’t here. And Charming’s cooking pancakes. Yeah. Today should be a blast.

Snow: A gift AND fresh bananas in the bowl? Yeah, how are you not celebrating it again?

Charming: It wasn’t me! Someone knocked on the door and I went to answer it and this lady that reminded me of Mrs. Potts chucked the gift at my head and ran off before I could get my gun.

Snow: Yeah, okay. Whatever. What are the chances of THAT happening in our little magical town?

Snow: Oh good, something more to remind me of my very first trauma.

Charming: We’re gonna be rich!

Snow: It was my very first crown…I’m frankly surprised Regina didn’t dismantle this thing.

Charming: Honey, let me have it. Ebay’s going to be my best friend.

Charming: Mrs. Potts is alive?

Snow: She’s NOT Mrs. Potts!

Charming: Geez, maybe we should’ve made a directory of the town or something so that we knew all who lived here...

Snow: I have to go find her! *Snatches*

Charming: Whoa! Wait! Snow! Give that back!

Charming: Are you SURE you want to take that with you? I think we should use the money that thing would give us to get a bigger place. We could even afford a penguin that you always wanted.

Snow: A penguin does sound fun but maybe next year when we can actually tax the residents.

Charming: Well, Cora’s running all crazy around Storybrooke, I’m sure it’s fine if Snow is out there by herself. I got pancakes to eat.

Charming: Man, those were some gooooood pancakes.

Charming: Worst thing about being the substituting sheriff is that I can’t make anyone go get me donuts.

Charming: Hey! Who stole Graham’s jacket?

Charming: *Checks reflection to make sure his butt still looks good*

Hook: Hey you!

Charming: DON”T HURT ME!

Charming: *Falls and knocks self out*

Hook: I get beaten by women and cripples…you should be ashamed of yourself right now.

Hook: Ha! I have your keys! Now if I was my hook, where would I be?

Hook: Ah! Handy dandy hook! I can’t wait to put you on and stick you in the three pronged white things on all the walls! Granny said it’d be electrifying! Also, if I needed keys to get into the drawer, how did I get inside the station?

Hook: And it’s sort of embarrassing that I used what Emma labeled the “Love Interest Crowbar” to beat down her dad.

Hook: Oh…I look gorgeous! Oh well, time to make plot hole fueled trips!

Hook: *Is humming the theme song he put in his head while waiting in the closet like a dork*

Johanna: Well, no one will think to look for the loot here!

*SUBTLETY!*

Snow: What loot?! And how do you get a bigger house while I get an apartment?

Johanna: Uh…I didn’t get that crown from Mr. Gold’s shop amongst other things while he was gone! Although I could’ve paid for it I guess…

Snow: Still the same old wacky Johanna. I thought for sure Regina killed you or something! By the way, thanks so much for coming to my wedding. IT’s like you weren’t even there!

Johanna: I didn’t go because you’re like…bad luck. Seriously people die around you ALL THE TIME.

Johanna: Oh, you’re not wearing it under your beret I see….that’s sort of why I got it for you…

Snow: Oh Johanna, your sudden appearance and history with my character makes as little sense as me finding you with probably no address and never seeing you in town before during patrols or when time started moving .

Snow: Oh, who’s buried here?

Johanna: Nothing! Just things I may or may not have stolen from Mr. Gold’s shop if he didn’t give me the crown out of pity (HA!) or if I didn’t pay it off.

Snow: Aw, look! They all look so depressed!

Johanna: They could survive the harshest winters…much like you. In fact, when you were born, your dad wanted to Eugenia Clementine but your mom said ‘no’. Except she had a cold that day so it sounded like she said ‘Snow’. And while everyone else thought she was randomly talking about the weather, he thought she named you and so it stuck.

Snow: Wow, that was a really long and odd story.

Johanna: Yeah, I never much believed Ava when she said it happened. But then, she never believed it was me that was married to Rumpelstiltskin that week of her spring break so I guess we had our friendship problems.

Johanna: I broke his heart. Worst mistake I made in my life. He told me to make him a sandwich and I threw the chair and told him to make his own sandwich. He said I was just like Milah and we were divorced the next day.

Snow: Well as luck may have it, I’ve heard that he may be available again! Take him before he goes after someone else!

Johanna: Oh, I don’t think so. He could barely handle me last time.

Regina: AUGH MY FOOT!

Cora: WELL WATCH WHERE YOU’RE DIGGING!

Snow: Oh! Sounds like trouble! I am SO there!

Snow: It’s a bit hard to sneak around in the middle of the woods against two witches while wearing purple, but since Cora and Regina are both of them, I’ll be fine.

Regina: Why aren’t you digging?

Cora: I’m supervising! And I just got this outfit!

Snow: Oh good, its Thing 1 and Thing 2 taking themselves for a walk. Well, I’m sure they’re not up to something nefarious!

Regina: Uh, we have magic. Why can’t we just use that to dig up the earth? I’m in heeled boots!

Cora: Pain builds character!

Regina: I remember when I used to have servants to do this, now the hearts are in the vault collecting dust!

Cora: Oh get over it. When we get the knife, we’re making Rumpelstiltskin go on a shanking spree! And he’ll totally KILL THE CHARMINGS!

Regina: Why are you talking so loud mom? And won’t Henry know that somehow I’m responsible since Rumpelstiltskin never showed much inclination to kill them before?

Cora: Don’t question my logic!

Snow: Nefarious purposes!

Charming: Oh floor, you are far more comfortable than the bed. No wonder Hook loves you so.

Snow: Don’t you DARE cheat on me with that floor!

Charming: No Snow! That’s my ticklish part!

Charming: *Doesn’t want to admit that Hook bested him* Uh….I don’t know what happened, Snow! All of a sudden I was ambushed by uh….Whale of all people! I think we should arrest him for assault!