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Friday, March 29, 2013

Manhattan Part 4

Henry: Guess what I’m thinking!

Emma: Henry, we have to go inside! This green screen’s giving me a headache!

Henry: I can’t hear you! My ears are clogged with disappointment!

Emma: Oh boy, are you going to drag this out?

Henry: Of all people to do the horizontal mambo with, YOU choose my stepdad’s son!

Emma: Trust me Henry, it’s something that I kick myself over too and it’s certainly enough to make me go celibate.

Henry: Well this just puts a kink in my plans. I can kill Belle but I can’t very well kill my real dad to get my step dad.

Emma: God…where did he get all this?

Henry: Oh! But we could send Neal to another world! You can push him! That way he can live and you don’t have to see him and I don’t get disappointed and Rumpelstiltskin will continue to have a reason to be evil and train me! Oh and Neal doesn’t have to worry about child support or his dad! It’s winning all around!

Emma: No Henry, I’m pretty sure keeping your real dad around means that your step-da-….Rumpelstiltskin, I meant…stays good and you don’t go evil and stops hitting on me and we can make you good.

Henry: Well then what exactly is going to be our running gag? What will our fans think if we ruin the ‘Will they/won’t they?’ plotline?

 Henry: Don’t you ruin this for me, woman. Bae’s got to go.

Emma: *Is horrified*

Emma: No! He stays!

Henry: *Death glare*

Henry: Challenge accepted.

Emma: Maybe “I” should just jump….

Baelfire: Did you plow into my tip jar?

Rumpelstiltskin: I’m wearing expensive suits. Do I look like I NEED to drain your tip jar? It was probably your thief son grabbing it so that he can get stuff from the ice cream truck.

Rumpelstiltskin: Hey Bae, let’s play Paper, Scissors, Rock.

Rumpelstiltskin: Rock! Oh…you didn’t play…I win.

Rumpelstiltskin: Well, me winning means you have to come to Storybrooke! And I can make you about three years older than the kid you fathered with no memory of fathering him! Good times!

Baelfire: What?! Why didn’t you just tell me what you told August in season 1?

Rumpelstiltskin: I didn’t write it down! I’m pretty sure what I told him is completely similar to what I’ve told you.

Baelfire: I hope not…that would suck. Wait a minute; did August pose as me knowing full well that I was terrified of you coming to find me again?

Rumpelstiltskin: Yeah, he’s a tree now.

Baelfire: GOOD! He was creepy!

Baelfire: Whew! I don’t have to worry about him hitting on Emma. I have to admit that I was sort of worried about that.

Rumpelstiltskin: *Sniffles* Bae is proud of me!

Baelfire: I’m still not going home with you.

Rumpelstiltskin: Well, guess I’ll have to ruin the lives of everyone until you do!

Rumpelstiltskin: *Fake smiles*

Baelfire: ….

Rumpelstiltskin: *is faltering*

Rumpelstiltskin: Okay fine, so I’ll hit on Emma until she gives me lots of little Bae replacements.

Baelfire: Fine. I’m over her.

Baelfire: *Peeks to see if he bought it*

Rumpelstiltskin: One does not simply ‘get over’ Emma Swan.

Baelfire: Der…one does not walk into Mordor either, but the Fellowship did it!

Baelfire: Or…the ones that were left.

Baelfire: *Favorite character was Boromir*

Rumpelstiltskin: *So was his*

Baelfire: So to quote you and your horrible abusive murdering tendencies…

Baelfire: You lose, dearie! Hope the lives you ruined were worth it!

Rumpelstiltskin: Well, I got to annoy Charming and King George so…yeah. It was worth it.

Baelfire: Emma’s dad is Prince Charming?

Baelfire: Alright Bae, play this right and you get a free kingdom…

Baelfire: I’m gonna go hit on Emma!

Rumpelstiltskin: He forgave me!

Rumpelstiltskin: I knew that someone convincing the bears to make off with my food was only a distraction meant to send me chasing after them so that they could get my new tent!

Rumpelstiltskin: *Sarcastic* This is just perfect! I just got it out of layaway and everything!

Rumpelstiltskin: No, its okay fire…I’m sure you did your best to protect it. You can’t blame yourself.

Seer: Why are you talking to yourself?

Rumpelstiltskin: Oh god, it’s you.

Seer: I knew you’d be disappointed to see me *Sigh* Being a seer is so tedious.

Rumpelstiltskin: Looking GOOD, Seer.


Rumpelstiltskin: Okay, not really. But when my next love interest is Cora, everything looks good.

Rumpelstiltskin: Hey, I’m gonna be in a Shakespeare play. Want to know what my pose is gonna be?


Rumpelstiltskin: And speaking of things that happened a long time ago…how about that sucky prophecy you gave me! Couldn’t be any vaguer if you tried.

Seer: *Is mimicking Eloise from Lost* The Universe, unfortunately, has a way of course-correcting.

Rumpelstiltskin: *Is annoyed*

Rumpelstiltskin: Oh wait, I just remembered how much better I look than you.

Seer: I wish I stopped at a palace somewhere and put in bids for stocks.

Rumpelstiltskin: And I wish that I was at a bar drinking somewhere but I had to come find you and mock your ugly wig.

*Is horrifically offended*

Rumpelstiltskin: That’s right. And I’m going to mock your dress next, four-eyes.

Seer: I surrender!
Rumpelstiltskin: *Is checking out*

Rumpelstiltskin: Doesn’t show any curves at all!

Seer: You’ll have to cast a curse!

Rumpelstiltskin: Dynamite! Okay, I know that you know that I know that. Now tell me something you know that I don’t know.

Seer: In a minute, I have five more minutes of mime practice to put in before I graduate!

Rumpelstiltskin: If you mime out everything I will um…Okay, I’m not sure how to make you live an even crappier existence so maybe I’ll-

Seer: I see all!

Rumpelstiltskin: You know, some of us look better with age but some of us don’t so hurry it up so I don’t feel my soul being sucked out when I look at you anymore.

*Is being a drama queen*

Rumpelstiltskin: *Realizes he could’ve just tortured a fairy for the same information he needed*

Seer: Something about how you won’t cast it and you won’t break it…

Rumpelstiltskin: Bored already. Maybe the mime thing wasn’t such a bad idea…

Seer: Fine! If you’re so unhappy with this presentation, then YOU take this ability.

Rumpelstiltskin: Okay! Wait, this whole bit sounds almost familiar!

Seer: I knew that you were gonna say that

Rumpelstiltskin: *Resists strangling the Seer*

Seer: Wait!

Seer: Low-five?

Rumpelstiltskin: But only because I never turn my back on slapping people.

Rumpelstiltskin: *Slaps*
Seer: AUGH! Things that belong on my face!

Rumpelstiltskin: Oh baby!

Baelfire: Is Henry alive?
Emma: More or less, is Rumpelstiltskin alive?
Baelfire: More or less. HE’s currently crying in the bathroom. I’m not sure if it’s over the loss of you or me or Henry.

Baelfire: One of these days, you and I are going to have to sit down and have a nice long talk about what exactly your family relations are.

Henry: Tick tock Unwanted Daddy!

Baelfire: Should I be worried? ‘

Emma: Nah, he’ll wait until he lures you into a false sense of security before he tries anything. If you just read the manual that Regina published about Henry’s traps then you should be fine if you come with us.

Baelfire: Is my dad pawing through my medicine cabinet?

Emma: How about we just focus on how you broke my heart after I let my wall down and now I can’t trust anyone because of you.

Baelfire: *Giggles*

Baelfire: Sorry, I just remembered the joke of the day. Was that inappropriate?

Baelfire: I’ll just…go over here now.

Emma: Oh crap, he just left me alone with an emotional Rumpelstiltskin.
Rumpelstiltskin: Emma! Is that your voice I heard? Will you come in here with me? I need a hug?

Baelfire: Stop dropping my plants onto the sidewalk Henry!
Henry: Oh its fine, I miss on purpose. They’ll just blame you for attempted murder.

Baelfire: This is a really bright green screen.
Henry: You get used to it and if you squint really hard, it looks like Fake Manhattan.

Baelfire: So…
Henry: *Is pouting*

Baelfire: How was the flight? Were the peanuts at least good?

Henry: I didn’t get to sit next to my stepdad. Don’t ask how the flight was.

Baelfire: *Doesn’t want to imagine Rumpelstiltskin and Emma together*

Baelfire: Bonding!
Henry: Don’t touch me.

Baelfire: Right. Sorry.

Rumpelstiltskin: Emma! I said I wanted a hug! It’ll be your favor!

Rumpelstiltskin: What’s he doing out there with my grand stepson!

Henry: And then we’ll get to Storybrooke and then you’ll have to sleep eventually….
Baelfire: I hope there’s an inn.
Henry: Oh there’s an inn alright and luckily I know where the skeleton keys are…

Rumpelstiltskin: *Sniffles* *Is jealous*

*Are twirling in a circle*

Rumpelstiltskin: This is great! When I asked Milah to do this with me, she kept trying to swing me into a tree

Seer: Can you NOT squeeze my eyes out?!

Rumpelstiltskin: This is so fun!

Seer: Can you let go? Your sweaty hands are blinding me!

*Is swung on the ground*

Rumpelstiltskin: Oh gross, I got eye juice on my hands *Is freaking out*

Seer: Ow.

Rumpelstiltskin: Hey! Are you listening?! I said you tricked me with your seer powers!

Seer: I did NOT trick you! I told you what to expect upfront, genius!

Rumpelstiltskin: Oh…well now I feel silly.

Seer: You should!

Seer: Now…help me up?

Rumpelstiltskin: Well, I am a gentleman.

Rumpelstiltskin: Was a gentleman.

Seer: Oh and that’s not all. On top of your incredibly confusing future reading techniques…there will be a boy that will lead to your boy…and he’ll be your protégé…

Rumpelstiltskin: But I suck as a teacher.

Seer: Improve! *Somehow dies*

Rumpelstiltskin: I’m really glad I didn’t get the eye deal…

Rumpelstiltskin: How did that power transfer work…?

Rumpelstiltskin: Oh well, looks like I’m adopting a kid!

Baelfire: And so then there was this one girl called Morraine and boy was she one in a million…
Henry: *Zoned out an hour ago*

Emma: He must be sick. He hadn’t edged closer to me the twenty minutes we stood here.

Rumpelstiltskin: *Sniffles* I have to share!

The End.

See you all the 29th of April! 


  1. No jokes about Rumple having to kill Henry?
    But I like how Bae acts like Rumple("Heeeeeey Emma!" "*giggles*") we should get more of that.

    1. Well I could, but this version of Rumpelstiltskin would scoff. He would never consider killing his favorite little protege.

    2. Seer: But that boy is more than he appears... he will lead you to Bae but there will be a price. The boy... will be the undoing of your sexiness...
      Rumpel: Well then I'll just have to kill him.

      Also, why do you hate Pinocchio so much?

    3. Because I really hate that he screwed up Emma's life and then abandoned her in a prison and wouldn't even tell Neal where she was and then ran off with the money in a complicated needless plan...and now there's never going to be a confrontation over all that because the writers royally screwed it up. I don't blame him for his actions as a child since he and Emma would've been separated anyway, but as an adult...not so much. And yes, Rumpelstiltskin's done worse but we're supposed to love to hate him. August just comes off as a selfish douche.

    4. He comes off as a selfish douche, because he's PINOCCHIO. Screwing up like that and being mischievous is deep in his nature.
      Though as a 30-year old, one WOULD expect him to get ahold of himself.
      (I honestly would've expected him to try to find Emma again after he got 14).

      "Do better next time, Pinocchio!" *pinches nose*

  2. Also,

  3. Btw, I know you probably don't accept these ideas, but I had one.

    *At the same time*
    Rumpelstiltskin: Hiiiiiii Emma!
    Baelfire: Heeeeeeyy Emma!
    Emma: This is not happening to me. This is not happening to me. This is not happening to me.

  4. This is hilarious, but my favorite and the most over-the-top hilarious part is unquestionably "see you all on the 29th of April", because there is NO way you can POSSIBLY be serious. The Abridged series WILL come back sooner.

    I know it. This is not denial. These are not the first symptoms of Once Upon a time Abridged!withdrawal.
    I know it. At least we'll have a teaser. I know it. I just know it. Right.
    RIGHT ?

  5. I think Rumple was squeezing the powers out of her by grabbing onto her hands, and you know squeeze them, and by draining the powers out of a Seer kills them, though the Seer was really creeply looking, I loved her and was fascinated by her.

    *sigh* I also loved the Dragon, shame both of them had to die.