221 - Second Star to the Right

Emma: Whew! He’s not in here! Time for some top secret investigation!

 

Baelfire: I knew if I didn’t answer you knocking for half an hour, you’d just come in!

 

Emma: Hey….Bae…I was just looking for the bathroom!

 

Baelfire: Wait! I know that code! We set it when we got together! My fiancé is NOT a psycho murdering kidnapper!

 

Emma: Is so!

 

Baelfire: Where’s your proof?

 

Emma: OmiGOD, NEAL! You can’t just ask someone what proof they have!

 

Emma: I mean, maybe saying Tamara is the psycho murdering kidnapper is a bit harsh…but answer me this…have you ever SEEN Tamara and a psycho murdering kidnapper in the same room? Just saying!

 

Baelfire: That’s because Tamara’s never been in the same shot with my dad and Regina!

 

Emma: Trifles Neal!

 

Emma: Sand! She MUST be up to something!

 

Baelfire: Or they don’t clean as much as they advertise.

 

Emma: Huh. Well, that’s incredibly probable…

 

Emma: Let’s go find Tamara…and if she’s not holding a bloody knife or someone hostage…then I’ll admit I was wrong. But I won’t be because I’m not.

 

Baelfire: *Puppy eyes of wondering about his choices in whom he dates*

 

Baelfire: Eh, why not, I’m bored.

 

Emma: And don’t give me those types of puppy eyes Neal. I KNOW what those mean.

 

Baelfire: Why can’t I sleep in the window seat? The beds at home were way more comfortable than the floor.

 

Baelfire: Wendy’s all by herself! Now’s my chance!

 

John: What are you guys doing?

 

Wendy: Friggin’ go to bed, John!

 

Wendy: It’s time you meet the shadow, he sort of joined the family about the same time you did

 

Wendy: but I DOUBT there’s a connection!

 

Wendy: I’m surprised you don’t know about this!

 

Baelfire: I know! Haven’t I been here for weeks?

 

Wendy: And he’s so practically awesome in every way!

 

Baelfire: *Is jealous* Wait a minute now….

 

Wendy: Oh Bae, don’t be like that. He can fly and change shapes and stuff! Can you do that?

 

Baelfire: I can…make…shadow puppets…

 

John: N00B!

 

Baelfire: Shut up Harry Potter!

 

John: *Is sad*

 

Wendy: *Smacks* My brother is NOT Harry Potter!

Baelfire: OWWWWW!

 

Wendy: I’m so sorry Bae…I have no idea where that came from! I don’t even know who Harry Potter is so I don’t know if that’s a compliment or an insult.

 

Baelfire: This must be what it felt like to be dad…

 

Wendy: Well…since you’re sort of unofficially a part of the family…you can meet the shadow now.

 

Baelfire: I don’t want to meet him, he’s probably evil!

 

Baelfire: And not as good looking as I am…

 

Baelfire: And doesn’t have as great hair.

 

Wendy: *Is bored* You done?

 

Baelfire: Whatever Wendy, I’m going back to bed!

 

Wendy: Yeah, I’ll bet you can’t wait to cuddle against that floor.

 

Harry Potter John: Awkward. First Fight.

 

Rumpelstiltskin: For heaven’s sakes! What are you doing here?

 

Charming:  Oh, hey lady, you look like our good friend Belle.

 

Lacey: *Chokes on drink*

 

Rumpelstiltskin: That IS Belle you slubberdegullion helminth!

 

Snow: ….

Charming: …..

 

Charming: That hurt!

 

Rumpelstiltskin: Lacey, they’re going to act all superior to me and then come crawling to me for help…would you give us a few?

 

Lacey: Do I have to?

Rumpelstiltskin: Yes.

 

Lacey: Now?

Rumpelstiltskin: Get out.

 

Lacey: *Whines*

 

Rumpelstiltskin: Let me guess, considering the lack of screeching, I’ve been hearing, I’m guessing Regina’s got herself kidnapped and you want to help her. I can’t imagine why…

 

Snow: Nyeh, nyeh because of Cora nyeh nyeh

 

Rumpelstiltskin: I’m sorry, is that still a thing?

 

Rumpelstiltskin: Well…just sprinkle in Regina’s tears in your own eye (that can’t be healthy) and you’ll be connected.

 

Rumpelstiltskin:  Or I got my spells mixed up and you’ll be rid of dry eyes…either way…off you go!

 

Charming: Um…how do you have Regina’s tears again? I mean I don’t think I’ve ever seen your hand appear off frame with that vial to scoop them up as they’re falling from her face.

 

Rumpelstiltskin: I don’t have to! She slings so much snot from one wall to the other that the rivers run full of them!

 

Snow: I forgot about all these weird little habits you had.

 

Rumpelstiltskin: *Is flirty* Who would’ve thought that after all those years of dating while you were in college that we’d be co-grandparents?!

 

Snow: *Is tearing up* I never thought of it that way!

 

Snow: Uh…what are you doing?

 

Rumpelstiltskin: Oh just…adding something to my collection, nothing you need to worry about!

 

Charming: You are WEIRD, good sir!

 

Rumpelstiltskin: Just remember who has the fan girls, Charming. It isn’t you.

 

Charming: Well, we’ll just...be on our way.

Snow: I can’t believe we’re all related!

 

Rumpelstiltskin: Sayonara, suckers! Now getting back to Downton Abbey…

 

Lacey: And who were THEY?!

 

Rumpelstiltskin: *Throws self against magic cupboard protectively* No one!

 

Lacey: They didn’t sound like ‘no one’ they sounded like people who know about magic!

 

Rumpelstiltskin: You HEARD that?

 

Lacey: Maybe you should invest in a door instead of a curtain…

 

Charming: I don’t like this. What if it turns into a body swap episode?

Snow: It’s not going to be a body swap episode.

Charming: Regina already tried to seduce me once!

Snow: Charming, I think we’d have a musical episode before we body swapped.

 

Charming: You don’t have to do this.

Snow: I do! Because nyeh nyeh Cora nyeh nyeh.

 

Charming: If I put these drops in your eyes, will you promise to shut up about how you feel guilty that you saved all of us?

 

Snow: What else will I talk about? IT’s not like I’ve done anything else all season.

 

Charming: You tackled Mulan a lot…there’s that.

 

Charming: And while I’m at this angle Snow, your eyebrows are out of control. You make Hook look like he plucks his!

 

Charming: Op…op…op..

 

Snow: Darn it Charming! You missed!

 

Charming: IT’s not easy Snow! You keep blinking!

 

Snow: Well that was a letdown…at least I’ll have clear eyes now.

 

Snow: EEEK!

 

Snowgenia: Crick in my back…..

 

Charming: *Is sobbing* Snow! I’ll save you! RAWR!.....Why didn’t that work?!

 

Mama Darling: Goodnight my little hoodlums…and Bae too.

 

Baelfire: Finally, I got bed privileges.

 

Baelfire: Zzzz Oh Morraine…I wish they continued your storyline like they said once in an interview.

 

Baelfire: Zzz- wha-?

 

Wendy: The sky headlights are on! The shadow is here!

 

Baelfire: Go home Wendy, you’re drunk.

 

Wendy: He told me that we can run away together! Doesn’t he look trustworthy?!

Shadow: I’m going to devour your soul!

 

Baelfire: How can you trust something that looks like that!? Or is this that sarcasm thing you told me about?

 

Wendy: Oh he said magic is fine where he’s at!

 

Baelfire: That’s what he tells you to lure you into his unmarked white van, Wendy!

 

Wendy: See ya, Bae!

 

Wendy: You stay here and make an excuse for my sudden disappearance, okay?!

 

Baelfire: No! You’re the only normal girlfriend I ever had!

Wendy: Oh tosh, Bae! What’s so great about having a normal BOYFRIEND?! The Shadow can fly!

 

Baelfire: I never thought I’d get owned by a shadow!

 

Wendy: Don’t look up my gown!

 

Baelfire: Well…

 

Baelfire: Darn…

 

Emma: See? She’s not here! Evil psychopathic murderer!

Baelfire: Do you think she just runs in a random circle on the beach, Emma? That’s not what marathons do!

 

Baelfire: You should see your little prissy walk, you look like this!

Emma: I’m not looking at you! I’ve got serious business to concentrate!

 

Emma: And whatever you just demonstrated….I’m pretty sure I don’t look like that, okay?

 

Baelfire: So…what happened the last time Regina disappeared?

 

Emma: Oh, we just let her feel sorry for herself a lot and then she teamed up with her mom…which is sort of why we need to find her. She might turn out to be worse if that’s possible…

 

Tamara: Hey you guys! I was just trampling on some sandcastles and I thought I recognized you!

 

Baelfire: Schmoochie-muffin! I knew you were innocent!

Emma: How come you’re not sweating?

 

Tamara: I have this genetic defect where I don't sweat. I expel heat by the hot air. 

 

Emma: Of all things to be jealous of…I think that takes the cake…

 

Tamara: I’m sorry, did I interrupt romantic tension?

 

Emma: EWW! With Neal?!
Baelfire: Hey!

 

Tamara: You guys are flirting?!

 

Tamara: *Cries*

 

Emma: Yeah, forget that whole ‘jealous’ thing…

 

Tamara: *Runs off sobbing*

 

Emma: I’m getting far away.

Baelfire: Oh don’t worry about her; she gets that way every 3^rd waxing crescent moon.

 

Emma: You know what? You’re slowing me down.

 

Baelfire: Well, you slowed me down 11 years ago and that’s how I fell in love with you!

 

Emma: What?

Baelfire: Oh…that wasn’t meant to come out…um…

 

Baelfire: So…I was going to look for you but I used to work for Danvers the Dove and his little bird assassins had you targeted…and then August was a putz and wouldn’t tell me where you were.

 

Baelfire: So I was going to go to Tallahassee but then I remembered that Tallahassee was pretty big and I didn’t think I’d find you so I didn’t…

 

Baelfire: Hold on, I have a splinter….

 

Baelfire: Never mind. I got it.

 

Emma: Are you….apologizing to me?

 

Baelfire: Yeah…sort of…I guess…actually I was just randomly saying things and seeing where it went but now I realize that when you told me you had Henry…and gave him up and Regina got him….(wish we could’ve seen THAT scene) I sort of really feel extremely guilty about what I did to you and there are still feelings…

 

Baelfire: Don’t go around telling people though. I’ll jack up my street cred.

 

Emma: Hmm….

 

Baelfire: Oh, that’s it. That’s all I wanted to say.

 

Baelfire: Well, I want to say more but I can’t put it into words…

 

Emma: ….

 

Baelfire: Well, we should go find your friend.

 

Baelfire: Did I step in something I shouldn’t have?!

 

Baelfire: I always do that. Was a bit hard not to in the village…and now my foot is a magnet for the stuff…

 

Emma: Will you puppy dog eye me the way you used to?

 

Baelfire: *Puppy Dog eyes*

 

Emma: *Sigh* I miss those days.

 

Tamara: I had to pretend I was kicking down sandcastles! On a beach!

 

Greg: Well, things are going great here! Regina’s telling me so much…

 

Regina: I haven’t told him anything.

 

Greg: Let me up the torture my tuning the radio to the top ten pop songs…

 

Greg: Ugh, Regina, this is going to hurt me way worse than it hurts you…

 

Tamara: Why did I even track sand? The cannery isn’t even ON the beach!

 

Greg: How about I speak in fairy tale language…will that help my cause?

 

Greg: *Ahem* Doth you not know where my beloved father dwelleth?

 

Greg: Now you say....?

 

Regina: I’m going delusional! I’m looking right at Charming! This is weird! And I feel like I’m wearing a fuzzy sweater!

 

Tamara: Charming? Which one?

 

Regina: There’s only one. The goofy looking one.

 

Tamara: OH! THAT GUY!

 

Tamara: Sorry, in this world, the term ‘Prince Charming’ refers to about…every guy in Fairy Tale and Disney lore without a name.

 

Regina: Well, they might as well be since most of them are forgettable anyway….

 

Greg: Is Ariel at least real? I always wanted to meet Ariel…

 

Regina: How should I know? I keep trying to find her but someone keeps pushing her back!

 

Greg: That’s disappointing!

 

Greg: Almost as disappointing as the fact that I was orphaned at a young age because of you and no one would believe my story except for the people I know work for. Thanks for wrecking yet another life Regina. And since I’m being casted as the villain in this, it’s highly doubtful that my father will see justice.

 

Regina: Well then maybe he should’ve run faster.

 

Greg: Seriously, what would you have done the minute I got old enough to move away?

 

Greg: We were kids Regina, not your friggin’ toys and entertainment.

 

Regina: Compared to me, you all are toys and entertainment!

 

Tamara: I’m sure I could’ve gotten this done a whole lot faster…

 

Snow: Charming, what are you doing?

Charming: You usually like it when I pet you like this…

 

Snow: No, I don’t…not after I’ve been spellified to be Regina and it was dark and cold and I smelled sardines! Oh god, SARDINES!

 

Charming: SARDINES?! THE HORROR!

 

Charming: Should I call Archie?

Snow: *Cringes away*

 

Snow: I just…I just need to be alone…

 

Snow: *Sobs* It smelled like sardines….

 

Charming: So…did you just see a few seconds or did you see that last scene? And how is it dark when it looked pretty bright in there?

 

Snow: I don’t know! I was just trying to get past the SARDINES!

 

Snow: No…don’t touch me…

 

Snow: I want to be alone…

 

Snow: Oh god, I think the sardines can see me!

 

Emma: She freaked out about sardines?

Baelfire: ?

 

Snow: No! They’re taunting me!

Charming: Yeah, apparently there’s a traumatic childhood memory that involves both them and a bouncy house.

 

Snow: I thought they were evil beforehand….

 

Charming: Listen, can you hurry up? Everything that links to Regina usually ends in Snow crying.

 

Emma: Huh. I forgot we had that.

 

Baelfire: No way am I going in there against sardines by myself…

 

Emma: Tamara might be doing EVIL THINGS in there!

 

Baelfire: What are you going to do? Whine about it and continue to let her walk free in town like you do others that shouldn’t be named?

 

Emma: Nah! I’m going to stop her!

 

Baelfire: Ooo, potential chick fight….