Once Upon A Time: Abridged: 3x05 Part 1

Lost Boys: Hi ho, hi ho, to intricate plots we go

Baelfire: No, Wendy, not the kennel again!

Felix: Well, that was going to be my vacation bed cage.

Felix: Oh well, I least I can poke him with a stick like I used to. Not like I have anything else to do this episode.

Lost Boy: Whooo! We’ve been climbing the same rope for centuries!

Henry: Just wait till they reach the top when the rope can handle the weight….another sabotage!

Devin: *Is humming the jaws theme*

Henry: This won’t be near as exciting as the exploding latrines….

Henry: Oh hey, what’s going on?

Devin: That was YOU?!

Henry: Silly mortal, do you think you can kill me with your silly little spear?

Devin: DIE! DIE! DIE!

Henry: *Is waving his arms around* Ooooo, can’t get me! Can’t get me!

Random Lost Boy: HE’s going against Henry? Even Pan was thrown back from the exploding latrine!

Henry: I- I’m not ticklish….

Henry: Well I suppose I have no choice since Pan took away all my weapons I’d pickpocketed when I did that whole…prank. I had a full arsenal underneath these clothes.

Devin: DIEEEEEE!

Henry: *Is blocking in boredom*

Devin: Why is this so impossible to defeat you?!

Pan: What the-?! Leave you alone for five minutes!

Devin: He appeared out of nowhere and beat me down! I was just protecting myself!

Henry: *Wasn’t. But is totally taking credit for it anyway* Yep! Fear my red plaided wrath!

Pan: Oh my, you’re totally turning into the little spitfire!

Pan: Mmmm, that’s a nice heart you got there.

Pan: *Is checking out his heart from all sides* What are all those little black evil bits?

Pan: Close your eyes and imagine a sword or….something

Henry: I don’t want to imagine a sword; can’t I imagine a MacDonalds instead?!

Pan: *Secretly changes out the stick with the sword*

Devin: Oh, this is problematic.

Pan: Oooooooo! Look at you being all magical! You my magic wielding magical hero of magic, Henry! *Squees*

Henry: BLOOOOOOD!

Devin: Oh crap!

Pan: Kill him! Kill him! I mean…..Play fair you two!

*Wishes I could be as into anything as this Lost Boy is into this fight*

Henry: *Roundhouse kicks*

Devin: My gut!

Henry: One down, plenty to go….Welcome to Mr. Gold Land, minions!

Pan: Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Let’s not get ahead of ourselves there!

Pan: I’ll just hold onto this for a bit…What’s this on the side? “Dan’s Gag Gifts?!”

Pan: Well in that case you can have it, it’s probably rubber.

Pan: Oh my god, you guys! We totally have a new Neverland Fighting Champion!

*Is posing for the newspaper photo*

Henry: One Red Shirt to rule them all!

Snow: Oh Emma! This coconut is a kaleidoscope!

Emma: Mmmm, Neal drew these!

Hook: Hey Emma, need my manly muscles to help you with that?

Emma: What, this pillow?

Hook: You look like you don’t know how handle the weight of that thing.

Emma: Mmmm, Neal slept here.

Hook: Hey now! Sentimentality wasn’t what I planned to use it for!

Hook: *Can’t get a proper grip* Darn it all, did Bae oil this thing down?

Emma: Hey, what’s that?

Hook: Friggin’ Rumpelstiltskin’s loved ones and their loved for tally marks, Belle’s cell was just like this when I was ready to kill her too!

Emma: WHAT?!

Hook: Nothing! Nothing!

Snow: What’s going on over there?

Charming: Man, Baelfire’s got a mouth on him when he goes into rant mode…

Snow: That must be when he escaped!

Emma: Or he lost hope!

Hook: Or he just….relocated…

Regina: I’m back from scaring off wild animals with my glare! I didn’t miss anyone checking anyone out, did I?”

Hook: *Is lying* Noooooo

Emma: Oh! Legs! Cramping up! Need circulation! Need Circulation!

Emma: Okay I’m good. Let’s traipse around some more.

Regina: I don’t want to go back out there! I just got IN from going back out there! I want to lay down for a bit. So does Hook!

Snow: My feet do feel inexplicably swollen!

Charming: How does Regina have perfect makeup in the middle of a tropical climate that’s constant night?

Emma: I know, right? My hair won’t even curl.

Charming: Mine neither!

…..

Charming: Oh my god, Emma We just bonded!

Emma: We just what?

Charming: *Is planning all sorts of daddy/daughter activities*

Regina: Is anyone going to use that body pillow?

Regina: I have a sensitive body when it comes to the ground!

Emma: Yeah, I’m planning to use it!

Hook: Please share…

Regina: Why do you get all the good stuff?

Snow: Cause our daughter has ‘sort of’ relations with the guy who used to sleep on that pillow and she’s a leader and not you!

Hook: Not when he was here though, now he’s gone and dead. I’m single.

Emma: So am I, funny coincidence about that.

Hook: We can be single together.

Emma: I would but your chest hair might get jealous and smother me.

Hook: I can shave!

Emma: And lose the most attractive thing about looking at you when you’re acting like this?

Hook: *Is sad*

Emma: MMMM, say nothing and stand there, that’s right…

Hook: *Is checking himself out too*

Hook: Wow, I think I’m in love with myself.

Hook: Again!

Charming: Stop looking at female members of my family!

Hook: You’re gonna die horribly! LULZ!

Charming: I’m pretty okay right now.

Hook: You’ll be all sweaty and breathless and having fantasies…just like your wife and daughter do when they look at me!

Charming: You! *Winds up to punch*

Hook: That punch to the breadbasket was uncalled for.

Hook: Oh geez, the flashback cam!

Killian: This is a horrible uniform, my pants aren’t near as form fitting as I thought at all!

Killian: Well gentlemen…yes this includes you wide eyed guy on my right who is probably nervous about his first time on camera, we’re going to have a splendid trip! That means straight lines, no elbows on the table, and happy smiles as we go off to uh-

Killian: As we go off to uh…

Killian: Line?

Not!Smee: As we go off to Neverland sir.

Killian: Neverland? *Gasp* No wait, I have no idea where that is.

Killian: Carry on!

Killian: Mmm, that’s a good wallet there.

*Has that other guy even blinked?*

Killian: Oh Bradley, its bad enough you’re drinking on my ship which is apparently bad form, but you’re doing it with cheap alcohol too. Do you know what happens to sailors that drink cheap drink?

Killian: They get drunk…cheaply.

Not Smee 2: I have NO idea why you’re telling me this.

Killian: We are not the booze crews gentleman and perhaps some ladies disguised as men to provide for their families….

Killian: Getting drunk is bad form.

Not Smee 3: Speaking of bad form, what’s up with that poodle tail you’re sporting on the back of your head there?

Killian: Frrrrrr-

Killian: Making fun of my hair will also get you thrown overboard. Be warned!

Not Smee 3: *Is thrown overboard*

Liam: Darn it, Killian, we can’t afford to lose another 30 men who mock you

Killian: Hello my brother who let me be their second in command through my merits!

Liam: And by ‘merits’, if you mean ‘nepotism’, then sure!

Killian: *Squees of a ‘nothing could go wrong’ life*

Killian: Hey Liam! Hey Liam! Hey Liam!

Liam: Gods sakes, Killian. Don’t you have a prohibition to conduct on the ship?

Killian: Do you ever stop to think about where the father that apparently abandoned me on a ship fits into all this?

Liam: What father that abandoned you on a ship? Where was I?

Killian: Oh, maybe I was lying about that…

*Bet that symbol won’t return later*

Liam: Here, have this sextant.

Killian: Heh SEXt-

Liam: Don’t finish that statement.

*Is snickering like a fourteen year old boy*

Killian: What a minute, this was dad’s gift to me in the will! Why do you have it?

Liam: No idea. I just looked in my bag one day and it was there!

Killian: Oh! Okay then!

Liam: *Is too easy* Yeah…okay then.

Killian: I love my life in case all of you didn’t know!

Crew: No one cares!

Killian: *Squees*

Killian: I don’t know what the better fantasy is…putting my lips on this or putting my lips on that.

*Area Hook is checking out*

Emma: You know, you’re not looking ‘subtlety’ if you’re standing there drooling for an hour.

Snow: We’ll catch a Lost Boy, tie him to a spit and turn him over a fire until he talks. It’s a perfect plan!

Emma: *Is having a staring contest*

Regina: Hook, let me see your sword!

Hook: Nahw! I’m not drunkh!

Emma: Oh wonderful!

Snow: I can smell his breath from here!

Hook: Don’t be shy, I’mma make out with you, blondie…one of you…

Emma: I’m ignoring you!

Hook: But only if you hold still!

Hook: That Dance of the Seven Veils you eight are doing is really making me nauseated….

Charming: Fine just…ignore me; I guess…I’m just getting the ropes for you peasants…

Hook: I’ll hug you

Charming: Ugh no, pass.

Hook: Here comes the huggie monster!

Snow: Those two are weird…

Charming: Stop making eyes at my daughter!

Hook: I don’t know what you’re talking about!

Charming: She’s already got Neal, Mr. Gold, Archie, probably Pan, possibly Felix, and most likely Danvers making eyes at her, she doesn’t need anyone else!

Hook: Fine, I’ll just make eyes at Snow. She’s about to be single, right?

Charming: Why in the ever-loving frig did my storyline that could have potential development with my family suddenly become about you?

Hook: Because I’m going to be the Season 2 Regina of Season 3, that’s why!

Charming: Are you mad? This show can’t have another one of those!

Hook: That’s how we do redemption here! Some actions for someone else, not because it’s the right thing to do without a smidgen or mention of regret about the things we’ve already done!