3x02 Part 4

Snow: Mmmm, those muscles.

Charming: YEOUCH!

Charming: I mean, I’m fine! Just grazed my jacket!

Snow: My hand has blood!

Charming: Must be yours!

Emma: Well, at least Pan was nice enough to continue the mind game.

Snow: Emma, we’ve officially decided that Regina can’t make decisions anymore.

Charming: I was all for that idea the moment she stepped on the boat, but Snow wanted to give her another chance because she can be good or something.

Emma: Do you guys mind? I’m having a moment here. Why don’t you…go raid the camp for supplies with Hook and Regina?

Snow: We should, but I get the feeling that when they snuck off together and Regina was squealing about being someone’s girlfriend by choice and not force, that they weren’t going to be as much scavenging supplies as they are each other.

Emma: Oh gross, can’t we leave them?

Charming: Normally that’s an idea, but I have dibs on this little hut over here.

Snow: In a minute Charming, we have important character development to do!

Charming: Fine, fine…I’ll just…wait…in there…

Emma: I think I’m supposed to say that I’m an orphan and flashbackless protagonist and accept it.

Snow: Because that’s who you are? Good! We can get this thing on the road!

Emma: well that, and I’m all out of ideas on what else to say and that seemed like the best pick.

Snow: Oh….

Emma: Hey! Want to hear about how your mission of giving me my best chance was fraught with sadness and abuse and loneliness?

Snow: Not really, no.

Emma: Let’s do it!

Snow: *Groans*

Snow: Emma, if we hadn’t done what we did, you realize that Regina probably would’ve killed you as a baby, right?

Emma: Oh yeah, I know but I’m just saying that shoving me in a wardrobe and hoping for the best probably wasn’t the most sound way to do something.

Emma: If not for Pinocchio, I probably might’ve died in that tree! I don’t want to owe Pinocchio anything!

Snow: Eh, someone would’ve found you hopefully.

Emma: So I’m an orphan and it wasn’t great. I even got adopted until they took me back. Do you even know about that?

Snow: Hasn’t been in any flashback episodes I’ve seen.

Emma: Because I’ve only gotten ONE flashback in two and a half seasons!

Emma: I mean, what the heck? I’m the protagonist! Where are all my backstory episodes? I’ve had to poach Cinderella’s and Hansel and Gretel’s to make about me!

Emma: Which, I mean, was pretty fun when they woke up and realized I swiped their moments to shine but…

Emma: I grew up an orphan and now Pan wants me to accept that I’ll never be a well-loved princess who grew up with two parents and- *blubbers*

Emma: And the worst thing about it was that we had to wait till season 3 to actually have these moments.

Snow: Yep, don’t I know it.

Emma: It’s not…so bad though, I guess. I mean, I got a sweet sword out of the deal that ought to count for something.

Snow: Well I do like swords

Snow: Oh hey, it finally worked!

Emma: It’s about time!

Snow: Must open with Internet Explorer.

Emma: That sounds like something I would say!

Snow: You’d be surprised at how much you’ve rubbed off on me.

Emma: *Is worried*

Snow: Hey Rumpel! Bring that fine backside out here!

Rumpelstiltskin: Speaking of ‘fine backsides’ it looks like you’re sporting one too!

Snow: Careful you! I am engaged!

Rumpelstiltskin: *Does a happy dance in place*

Rumpelstiltskin: Come to invite me to the wedding?

Rumpelstiltskin: I bring the best gifts, you know!

Snow: Not really, I’m here to apologize about how Charming beat you up until you handed over Excalibur.

Snow: He said he whooped you ALLLLL over the place!

Rumpelstiltskin: Regina, are you trolling me again?

Snow: He said he shoved you in a beaker, turned your spinning wheel upside down and wheeled out of there!

Rumpelstiltskin: You should know from that one experiment in college that you cannot shove me into a beaker no matter how many times you try.

 

Snow: Stop Rumpelstiltskin! He said he got the location of Excalibur as he beat your face into the table!

 

Rumpelstiltskin: Er…no…Jiminy and I played Grand Theft Auto all weekend. I was living off Red Bull and Five Hour Energy drinks before I could finish So I’m sure if Charming tried, I would’ve spazzed out and done something that would guarantee he wasn’t here anymore…

Snow: Yeah, but look at this sweet sword that he beat you up into telling me the location of!

Rumpelstiltskin: A strong wind could break that thing!

 

Rumpelstiltskin: *Creates strong wind*

 

Snow: The sword is a stump?

Rumpelstiltskin: That’s Charming for you!

Snow: But I totally stabbed Regina in the face!

Rumpelstiltskin: Cause that’s what swords do!

 

Snow: Hey! Don’t think I didn’t notice you pilfering my necklace, you 

pickpocket!

 

Rumpelstiltskin: Nope! Mine now!

 

Rumpelstiltskin: It goes better with my complexion anyway.

 

Rumpelstiltskin: Also, are these pearls real? I could make a bundle. Being married as many times as I have is devastating on the old alimony front.

 

Rumpelstiltskin: EBay, here I come!

 

Snow: *Sniffles*

Snow: Darn it Charming, thanks for losing my mom’s necklace!

 

Snow: Well, Rumple’s certainly not coming to the wedding!

 

Charming: I can’t believe the dwarves make me sit away from the table when it’s time to eat…

Charming: Oh well, at least I can sing as loud as I wish!

Grumpy: okay guys, surround him and look menacing, it’ll really freak him out

Charming: Here to throw me in the river again or are you going to tie me to a tree?

 

Grumpy: With much deliberation, we decided that you were okay. We realized that your idea of being king and such automatically gets us into the castle too and that means meeting rich ladies and the ability to tell them that we’re friends with a queen and it NOT be a lie.

 

Charming: Oh, so it’s not because you’ve warmed up to me.

Grumpy: Absolutely not. We ship Snow with Jiminy.

Charming: *Is offended*

 

Charming: Well…better than nothing I suppose

Grumpy: And nothing’s what you’ll get if you break Snow’s heart.

 

Charming: Say that again, short man!

 

Charming: Anyway, let’s get super drunk tonight and watch the game. Like bros do.

 

Snow: Rumple’s not invited to the wedding and neither are you!

Dwarves: Oooooooo!

Charming: Shut up!

Charming: Snoow! Don’t make me look bad in front of your brothers?

Snow: Want to explain this stump!?

 

Charming: You broke Excalibur?!?!?!

Snow: IT’S A FAKE!

 

Charming: That darned Rumpelstiltskin tricked us?!

Snow: I know it was you!

 

Charming: Hey! Can you blame me? I needed to build up your self-confidence, make the dwarves like me and stick it to Regina! Okay, I’m still picking pieces of rope from my teeth!

 

Snow: Rumpel took my mother’s necklace because you were lying to me!

 

Charming: Eh…um….this didn’t do much for the self-confidence thing, did it?

 

Snow: Not really!

 

Charming: I just wanted you to be sure of yourself the way I am sure of you!

 

Charming: *Smoulders*

Snow: Oh. You’re lying and tricking me to do what you want is so hot!

 

*Makes out*

 Hook: I know exactly where we are!

Emma: Hook, the map is upside down.

Hook: *Turns map over* I know exactly where we are!

 

Emma: There’s an Indian village?

Hook: Yes, but because of the racist connotations from the movie, we probably won’t be visiting.

Charming: How come there’s one labelled ‘Pan’s Secret Hideout’?! It’s not secret if it’s there in plain sight!

Regina: That’s a really long walk and I wore heels.

 

Hook: Don’t worry; I’ll be sure to rub your feet.

Charming: I’m contemplative!

 

Charming: So, since we have a map, I guess we don’t need you anymore.

Hook: Don’t say things like that, I thought you and I were advancing our relationship

Hook: As friends! Don’t be jealous over nothing!

 

Emma: I’m not jealous.

 

Regina: Well I certainly am. I don’t want to have to kill everyone on yet ANOTHER world just to get him alone. That’s so taxing.

 

*Stomps off*

 

Hook: Hey Emma, want to flirt with me and make Regina jealous?!

 

Hook: I can let you have a drink of my rum! I haven’t offered HER that yet.

 

Hook: My lips have touched it, so it’ll be like a little rum kiss.

 

*Chugs*

Emma: Oh.

 

Emma: Hm…how do you…keep refilling this thing?

 

Emma: Ugh! Tastes like brine and sweat.

 

Hook: But it’s got a sweet aftertaste though right?

 

Emma: Yeah, I go lightheaded, weak in the knees and nauseated.

 

Hook: Let’s get to know each other in the old time sense!

 

Emma: Neal died two days ago!

Hook: SO?!

 

Hook: *Likes watching her leave*

Rumpelstiltskin: Do I even KNOW where I’m going?!

 

Rumpelstiltskin: Oh, that hammock looks really relaxing.

 

Fake!Belle: Rummpeelll, I wanna have your babies!

Rumpelstiltskin: Oh gross! Run away!

 

*Smacks*

Rumpelstiltskin: Huh. Right under the cliff. That took painfully long to drop.

 

Rumpelstiltskin: Maybe I should have worried when I saw the shadow catch it.

Rumpelstiltskin: Well, that’s a depressing campfire…

 

Rumpelstiltskin: AUGH! HOT! HOT!

 

Rumpelstiltskin: Well, hammock here I come.

 

*Is laying on the hammock*

 

Rumpelstiltskin: Dangit! Dad said this was a one of a kind heirloom and there these are dropping all over the place!

 

*Makes sure he’s not about to be chased by an army of dolls*

 

Rumpelstiltskin: Whatever, ti’s generic looking instead of unique and memorable looking, which means Hook might like it

 

Emma: Can’t believe Regina insists on making everything organically.

Pan: I can summon you some eggs in a basket if you like. I’d make something else but that’s the only food I learned how to magic up.

Emma: I can’t believe you’re allowed to run around without proper adult supervision.

 

Pan: And I can’t believe they let you run around without a child leash.

 

Pan: So…you planning to share?

Emma: Nope, these are mine! Gonna make an amazing pie.

 

Pan: *Really wants some pie*

 

Pan: Hey, if I give you a hint about Henry’s wellbeing, could I have a piece too?

 

Emma: I’m not worried. I’m sure that when you spend three days with him, you’ll come back here begging us to take him back.

Pan: Right….because you don’t want to admit your true orphan feelings and hate that he has such high hopes for you and Rumpelstiltskin.

Emma: I’m gonna kill him! I’m gonna kill him!

Emma: What do you know about it?!

 

Pan: I ship the both of you too.

Emma: Stop trying to distract me!

 

Pan: You two could run off together if you let me keep Henry!

 

Emma: No pie for you!

 

Pan: No family for you, either! Cause I’ll kill them all except Rumpelstiltskin and THEN where will you be?

Emma: As far away from him and any nearby hammocks as possible!

Charming: God, Emma and Regina are arguing over how to make a good pie…

 

Charming: I can’t deal with this anymore! I have to write something!

 

Charming: Wait…what?!

 

Charming: Gassssppppp!

 

Charming: I don’t wanna be an author!