Rumpelstiltskin: Wait till Emma sees me bringing in my grandson on my shoulders. She’ll never be able to resist me then!
*Is not going anywhere*
Tamara: I’ve had better days!
Rumpelstiltskin: So…getting shot isn’t so great, is it?
Tamara: I’m good! Carry on!
Rumpelstiltskin: *Rips out*
Tamara: Am I poisoned with Dreamshade?!
Tamara: So…about that whole blindly trusting a faceless company to maim and murder, which included your son…um…my bad?
Tamara: I mean…can’t we just count it as a bit oopsie on my part and laugh about this like…ten years from now?
Tamara: Your son DID say you were a GREAT conversationalist.
Rumpelstiltskin: My social skills are perfectly adequate!
Tamara: My magical technology didn’t save me from that!
Rumpelstiltskin: How is your heart still red?!
Tamara: I said I was sorry! What more do you want?!
Rumpelstiltskin: Hey Tamara! Rock! I win!
Rumpelstiltskin: EWWW! Tamara insides!
Rumpelstiltskin: Well, that was a quick way to write them off.
Bettie: Hook! When you said you’d catch me in your net again, I didn’t think that was literal!
Emma: Hook! You know her?!
Hook: *Is a bad liar* I’ve never seen her before in my life!
Bettie: Yeah, I’m sure me and my eight sisters you dated all look the same to you!
Emma: Oh my god, her tail is SICK!
Regina: I wanna kill something!
Bettie: That’s a whole lotta nope! *Blows horn*
Regina: Thanks Hook! Why did you tell us they had those?!
Baelfire: I have to admit, ever since I saw your movie, I was a big fan.
Mulan: A what?!
Baelfire: I get to hang out with Mulan! *Fanboys*
Mulan: What’s a movie!
Baelfire: *Is singing “I’ll Make a Man Out of You”* Sing with me, Mulan!
Mulan: WHAT’S A MOVIE?!
Mulan: So, how did you know about your dad’s castle if you fell in the portal before he moved in there?
Baelfire: Well, I’m sure someone in Storybrooke had to mention at least ONCE that my dad lived in a castle in the mountains. But I’m also pretty sure my kid went ‘If you and mom don’t work out, can I go live with grandpa in the castle in the mountains. The only castle in the mountains surrounded by dried lake beds?”
Mulan: That’s specific.
Baelfire: That’s mah boy!
Mulan: So is your family really as messed up as Emma said?
Baelfire: Oh, probably worse.
Baelfire: My son wants his grandpa to be his stepdad and wants me out of the picture and his mother is also his adopted niece because Snow white is his grandma AND adopted stepsister and Regina’s like…a lot of things. Some I can’t say on family television.
Baelfire: Also, that’s a really cool cape, can I have it?
Mulan: Don’t give me that! I can’t just go handing off my cape to every man I meet that wants it! I’m not that kind of soldier!
Baelfire: Fine. I just wanted my son to see me as a superhero when I swoop in wearing a cape. But way to blow my entrance, Mulan.
Mulan: I ruin everything!
Henry: Pan! Slow down! You’re like a foot taller than me!
Obviously Pan: I’M NOT PAN! ADIREAJI;AIER;AI!
Henry: Look! Over there!
Obviously Pan: Over where?
Henry: *Tries to run away*
Bettie: You know, this could all go great if you throw me overboard and just pitch Killian overboard too.
Charming: That’s a LalalalaNO, Ariel knockoff!
Hook: He likes me?
Emma: I can’t stop looking at that tail but I want to turn away every time it moves! What sort of world have I gotten myself into?! Rumpelstiltskin all in leather and now MERMAIDS? I can’t tell if this is a dream come true or a nightmare!
Regina: I know! I’ll kill her! Then she’ll tell us what she did with that shell!
Snow: ‘Logic’ and ‘Regina Mills’ haven’t quite gone ‘hand in hand’ together for some time, have they?
Regina: What are you talking about? Everything makes sense in my head!
Bettie: I’m pretty sure I’m drying up over here!
*Is a storm*
Hook: We can’t trust her! And you can trust me on that! I’m an authority on untrustworthy peoples!
Bettie: It’s not scary if I don’t look!
Regina: Let me kill her! Let me do it!
Charming: What about you guys? You up for it?
Emma: And ruin how I view one of the last Disney Movies I can view sanely?!?!?!
Charming: Little Mermaid IS my favorite Disney Movie….
Charming: FINE! I didn’t want to do it anyway!
Hook: Guuuyyysss! Why am I always stuck as the driver?!
Regina: I will enjoy your death!
Snow: YOU CAN’T JUST WALK AROUND KILLING PEOPLE!
Regina: Why not?!
Regina: I haven’t tried to kill anything all season!
Regina: It’s really starting to wear on me!
Snow: We’re about to have numerous enemies on land! I really don’t think having them in water too is the best idea!
*Are all trying to hold themselves up*
Charming: *Is trying to prove how awesome he is by nearly falling over with his sword out of its sheath*
Bettie: You all are a bunch of crazies! And I thought I had a bit of a temper when I tried to set fire to Killian’s ponytail the first time he was here!
Regina: Hook had a ponytail?!
Hook: It was a FAD and NOW’S NOT THE TIME!
Regina: Well, Imma kill her anyway. What’s the worst that could happen?
*Is CGI Dead*
Hook: I nominate Regina for NOT being our leader.
Charming: Seriously, we’re going to string you up, Regina!
Regina: I’m sure this is Snow or Rumple’s fault somehow!
Hook: Finally! I can have a shower AND get my clothes washed!
*Finally, we know what Rumpelstiltskin’s house looks like*
Mulan: What a dump!
Baelfire: Well, my dad WAS a bachelor…..
Mulan: Why are there creepy puppets propped up and staring at me?
Baelfire: I wouldn’t know, I’m not looking at them!
Mulan: Make one move….I dare you….
Mulan: Make one move….I dare you….
Baelfire: Oh, someone got in to dad’s favorite goat milk….
Baelfire: *Girlish scream*
Robin Hood: Who are you?!
Baelfire: Get out! This is my house now!
Robin Hood: I’m Robin Hood. Surely you recognize me!
Mulan: I have never seen your face in this land ever!
Robin Hood: Well, I didn’t think the plastic surgery I got to hide from Rumpelstiltskin was THAT extensive. If anything the height drop would’ve hidden me…
Baelfire: You let my dad’s garden outside go to crap, THANKS Robin Hood!
Robin Hood: Well why don’t you go and grow your own rutabagas, then?
Mulan: Why don’t YOU?!
Baelfire: I mustn’t let him know I excel at rutabaga growing….
Robin Hood: Okay…I trust you.
Robin Hood: Wait nope, I lied!
Baelfire: Look, I’m the Dark One’s son, okay?
Robin Hood: Who would admit that?
Baelfire: Pretty much anyone that wants to live in a castle while he’s off traipsing someone where?
*Mind is blown*
Robin Hood: Okay, ya got me!
Robin Hood: Have some 28 year old goat milk.
Mulan: I’ve decided I’m lactose intolerant.
Baelfire: I had a bad experience with goats when I was a kid.
Robin Hood: *Is insulted*
Robin Hood: You guys insulting my hospitality?!
Baelfire: Not hospitality to offer me my own stuff, I’m just saying!
Robin Hood: Well, you’re welcome to look around, but know that I burned pretty much everything here when winter set in…
Baelfire: How come you never burned that?
Robin Hood: Because some days I like to pretend I’m a ninja.
Baelfire: I remember this stick…my father used to pop me with it when I told him I was gonna get more fangirls…
Baelfire: See these notches? Those were the hundreds I was gathering and counting.
*Is a ninja*
*Is worried about getting smacked*
Baelfire: *Breathes* Ninnjaaaaaa
Baelfire: Oh crap…I didn’t know it did that!
Robin Hood: I’ve swung that stuck around a billion times, how come it never worked for me?
Baelfire: Cause you’re not as awesome, just saying…
Emma: We should take a right!
Hook: That’ll take us to downtown Neverland! No one wants to go there! Only hipster Lost Boys go there!
Emma: I wanna go right!
Hook: You’re doing it wrong!
Hook: Good lord! Those biceps aren’t just for show!
Snow: Way to go, Regina! How many other things are you going to screw up?!
Regina: How dare you blame me!
Regina: At least I did something!
Snow: Regina, it’s not great to claim that when you’re ‘doing something’ made it all worse!
Regina: Just for that, I’m not going to turn her back! I’m not even certain she’s on the deck anymore!
Snow: I was hoping to go for a nice swim with them after dropping Ariel’s name and now I can’t because you RUINED it!
Regina: Well you ruin everything and stuff!
Snow: ARE WE STILL ON THIS?! YOU’RE MOTHER KNEW ABOUT YOU AND DANIEL FOR HEAVEN’S SAKE! *Punches*
Charming: Guuyyyssss! No fighting!
Hook: No man! Don’t get in the way!
Snow: *Is slamming Regina’s head against the barrier* I’m tired….of your….murderous….tendencies!
Hook: Move! I want to see!
Charming: You beast! *Punches*
Emma: I’m really regretting not going with Rumpelstiltskin…
Charming: *Kicks Hook several feet back*
Regina: Why don’t you ever grow your hair out?! I can’t get a grip!
Snow: FOR EXACTLY THIS MOMENT!
Hook: Charming, let’s talk about this whole ‘throat stab’ thing!
Emma: Oh god! Hook was right; downtown Neverland IS full of hipster lost boys! *Turns whole ship around*
Hook: *Choke slams Charming*
Emma: If you don’t all shut up, I will TURN this rescue mission around?!
Emma: *Stands on the edge* Hey! If you all don’t stop, then I’m going to run off with Rumpelstiltskin!
Emma: It won’t….be so bad…until he asks to share a sleeping bag….
*Are slap fighting*
Emma: Fine! Here I come Rumpel!
Charming: *Slams Hooks face against the barrier for extra measure* NOOOOOOO!
Hook: Don’t leave me with the people that abuse me!
Regina: Don’t leave me with the people I abuse!
Snow: I don’t want to woman bond with only Regina!
Charming: What do you MEAN share a sleeping bag with Rumpelstiltskin?!
*Is cracked upside the skull by the wooden mermaid*
Emma: Oh, so that’s where it was.