We're just running a test

Monday, December 30, 2013

3x03 Part 1

Charming: Are you sure we’re going the right way?  I’m certain I’ve seen this plant over here before.
Snow: You always did want to take us all on a camping trip! Now is your chance!

Snow: We just…have to treat Henry being gone as a really long sequence of hide and seek!

Regina: NATURE! IT’S ALL OVER ME! *Flails*

Emma: *Is smacked with a leaf* Thanks idiot!
Regina: Well MOVE!
Emma: How come I’m not leading?

Hook: *Is smacked with a leaf* Thanks idiot!
Emma: Well MOVE!

Charming: Um…this doesn’t look like a camp!
Emma: I’m totally sure this is where we’re supposed to be.

Regina: I miss my comfy pillow.

Hook: Hey! It moved!
Emma: Nice try Hook, now give me the real map!
Hook: It wasn’t me that switched it out this time! Honest!

Regina: Maybe you just le ad us the wrong way, so typical Emma.
Charming: Is that….a zebra?

Hook: Hey…maybe…maybe he moved the camp.
Emma: We got DUPED?! No way!

Regina: Way to go, Emma!

Emma: Hey, at least MY way didn’t near get us all killed!
Regina: Oh, you just keep bringing that up!

Emma: It was yesterday!

Henry: “Heart of the Truest Believer” and they give me a rock for a pillow! And why are my clothes feeling all stretched out?

Pan: *Chucks apple* Have breakfast!

Henry: I want donuts!

Pan: That’s not a healthy breakfast! You want to die before you’re twenty?! Up and at ‘em!

Henry: Five more minutes!

Pan: Henry…

Pan: No more ‘snooze’ button for you

Henry: ….

Henry: So, I’m not sure this is incentive for me to want to work with you!

*Let’s talk about how the stairs that lead from the garden towards the house lead right up to the railing and not the porch*

Mulan: Seriously, you couldn’t clean up a bit in case you were expecting guests?
Robin: This is my house now! I can slob it up as much as I want!

Baelfire: The chair goes HERE!
Robin: Don’t you be putting your nasty shoes on my good chair!

Baelfire: One would think that dad would’ve taken into account the possibility that I would’ve ended up here in present day FTL and he wouldn’t and left me something behind!

Robin: Hey! Hey! I have an important question!

Robin: Did your father embroider the inside of this cabinet right here? Or did he just really want it to look pretty!

Baelfire: *Is pawing desperately at the shelf* WHERE ARE YOU, PORTAL?!

Baelfire: No cabinet! If you can’t tell me where a portal is, then I don’t even want to look at you!

Robin: Wow, he’s lost it.

Mulan: You should’ve heard him yammering about Emma the entire way here. This is an improvement.

Baelfire: This is MY house until I can find a way out of this world

Robin: Hey now, you can’t just take your father’s castle back! I was squatting in it first!

Baelfire: And both of you are my servants!

Mulan: ….

Baelfire: Fine Mulan, because of your protests, you can be my bodyguard.

Robin Hood: *Sobs* *Really wanted the ‘bodyguard’ spot*

Baelfire: For my first command…um…find me a room that’s NOT my father’s. I’m not entirely sure I want to know what he did in there.

Little John: I knew it! We babysit and Robin brings up a lady while we’re gone!

Roland: You’d be proud of me, dad. I went hand to hand with the most deer!

Baelfire: I thought he said he was the ONLY one here!

Baelfire: Aw, he looks so much like me when I was that age!

Baelfire: Oh and weird question but….have you used your kid as bait?

Robin: Not lately! Why?

Regina: Emma, we’ve been standing here for an hour. It’s not going to change!
Emma: Maybe if I squint and tilt my head…

Regina: My boyfriend and I could get this done faster.
Hook: She keeps saying ‘boyfriend’ and I’m not sure I ever remember agreeing to that!

Charming: If only there was someone who could help us!

Hook: Oh, you mean like Tinker Bell?

*Cue squealing brakes*

Regina: And just WHO is Tinker Bell?
Charming: Oh god, he does different species too!?

Hook: A fairy on the island who I may or may not have known about….

Regina: And just WHY have you been hiding her identity from me?!

Charming: Seriously, you couldn’t have brought this up when we landed?

Hook: Hey! Don’t judge me! It’s just probably a good idea that I don’t run into any female beings on this island that I may have known at any time, okay?!

Emma: You certainly took your ever loving time to bring this up. If you were just upfront with everything, this might go faster!
Hook: I’m trying to stay relevant!

Regina: Oh CRAP, THAT Tinker Bell?!
Hook: Are you having a meltdown over there, Regina? Are you okay?

Emma: Wait! I just imagined her in a Blue Fairy costume!

Regina: Well, she doesn’t wear something like that, her booty would be smacking into everything ON this island.

Emma: How do you know what she wears?

Regina: How who knows who wears what?

Regina: What are we talking about?!

Regina: How tedious, someone could feed a village here for a week with all this stuff!

Rumpelstiltskin: It’s Roasted Swan Saturday and YOU DIDN’T INVITE ME?!

Regina: I didn’t invite anyway. The better to feel trapped that way.

Regina: *Calls Rumpelstiltskin foul names while taking a drink*

Rumpelstiltskin: This is a lousy turnout though, MY house had caramel apples.

Rumpelstiltskin: Oh, those just tickle my jaw on the way down!

Rumpelstiltskin: Also, you didn’t show up for your lessons. Considering you’re my only student since you murdered the other one, I put on my best teaching trousers and waited for hours!

Rumpelstiltskin: We DO have texting now, you know! It’s called ‘carrier pigeon’!

Regina: I would have, but I had this spankin’ dinner to plan and it took up all my time.

Rumpelstiltskin: Care to share?

Regina: No! I’ve SEEN your table manners.

Rumpelstiltskin: *Is offended*

Rumpelstiltskin: Mmmm, that is a nice looking swan. *Checks out*

Regina: Grr! I don’t like it!

Regina: I’m trapped in my own cassstttlllleeee!

Rumpelstiltskin: This is what you wanted! Regina you didn’t HAVE to go back to the king but you did! My god, would we be having this same conversation if you DID leave? Aren’t you happy with anything?!

Rumpelstiltskin: I mean, you even got to riverdance on the side of evil for a bit and now you’re having second thoughts.

Rumpelstiltskin: I tried to stay away, I was like ‘no, darkside, no!’ *Is imitating trying to shove someone away*

Rumpelstiltskin: But then I surrendered and it’s been great!

Rumpelstiltskin: But it probably wouldn’t be the same for you though. And don’t you fret.

Rumpelstiltskin: These good looks will only happen to me! So you don’t have to worry about competition.


Rumpelstiltskin: FINE! I don’t eat with jealous people anyway!

Rumpelstiltskin: All this lovely food though! *Sobs*

Rumpelstiltskin: Can I at least take the swan home to keep? It’s pretty easy on the eyes
Regina: No!

Rumpelstiltskin: *Is considering taking that anyway*

Regina: I’m watching you, Rumpelstiltskin!

Rumpelstiltskin: You can’t eat all this! You’ll get fat!

Rumpelstiltskin: Like….this big!

Rumpelstiltskin: *Toothy gleam*

*Steals Swan anyway*

Regina: Hm…guess I could’ve stopped that.

Rumpelstiltskin: The swan is mine!

Regina: Why does everything you say seem very symbolic!?
Rumpelstiltskin: Because it is!

Regina: Stupid Rumpel! *Imagines his face and kicks the barrier over*

Regina: Don’t look up my dress!

Regina: You just stopped me last second?

Tinker Bell: They all scream better that way.

Regina: Oh. Noted.

Regina: I guess I’ll just wait for this harness to lift me up…
Tinker Bell: It’s not a harness! It’s magic!

Tinker Bell: Seriously, you’re a queen and your railings aren’t screwed on just right.

Regina: You’d be surprised how many people say that about me.

Tinker Bell: I’m Tinker Bell! Let’s be friends!

Tinker Bell: Oh my god, your life story takes hours.

Tinker Bell: So, that Snow White…what a psychopath.

Regina: She’s horrible. She faked a runaway horse to get my attention, hypnotized her father into wanting to marry me, corrupted my mother into killing my boyfriend when she followed me and caught us necking after the engagement and now she acts good and happy and I hate it!

Regina: And the whole realm loves her or something!

Tinker Bell: Isn’t she like 12 years old?


Regina: Because I’m not, she’s totally evilly horrible and my life is a never ending cycle of pain and misery and rainbows and unicorn stickers.

Regina: *Fumes*

Regina: *Pouts*

Regina: *Giggles*

Tinker Bell: We gotta get you laid!

Regina: I’m pretty positive that the fact that there was one too many man in my life got me into this mess.

Tinker Bell: We just gotta find you another love.

Regina: Isn’t true love supposed to be rare and stuff?

Tinker Bell: Yeah, but somehow finding a good man for you will keep you from going down that path of doom you’re so obviously skipping down the yellow brick road towards.

Regina: Just make sure he’s goofy looking like this!

Tinker Bell: *Giggles* Oh! You made me drop my cup!

Regina: I guess a new man in my life wouldn’t be so bad….

Tinker Bell: Hurry! Before we sober up and come to our senses!

Regina: Oh, my mom says that almost never happens.

Tinker Bell: Plllleaaasseeee let me find you a boyfriend?

Regina: Do we even HAVE divorces in this world?

Tinker Bell: Fine, you could just sit here and feel sorry for yourself that you have such the struggle of being a queen and having magic and not having to accompany your husband and his demon spawn everywhere he has to go!

Regina: That is…pretty horrible
*Doesn’t mean it*

Tinker Bell: I’ve never seen pixie dust fail!

Regina: Then where were you all my life?

Tinker Bell: Heh heh…

Tinker Bell: I seriously don’t know….

Regina: Ew! Sweat! Usually I just hired Sidney to do that for me.

Regina: Where is the bathroom?!

Tinker Bell: That’s real great Regina, NICE LITTERING

Hook: I know where we’re going!

Snow: You said that three ‘turn arounds’ ago!

Charming: Hey, anyone want to hear an amazing story I just thought up?

Regina: Emma, there are no public restrooms here, I want to go back.

Emma: There are plenty of bushes around.
Regina: Are you kidding me?!

Regina: Let’s just use our magic together!

Emma: Did you piss off Tinker Bell and that’s why you don’t want to try this or something?

Regina: Emma, I don’t know what you’re yammering about, I’m the paragon of making people trust me.

Charming: Hey! What’s the holdup back there? Hook says if we press on, we can make it to the 17th banana tree by nightfall! Or…whatever time it is that we’re tired!

Regina: You just don’t want to do what I want! You never do! Also you like Hook, Back off my man, Emma!

Snow: WHAT is going on?

Emma: You can have your tacky pirate! I’m totally with Rumpel now!

Emma: No! Wait!

Regina: *Makes buzzing sound* Wrong! Can’t go back on your answer!

Emma: Who made up that rule?!

Snow: Seriously Regina, stop adding things to the rulebook!


Regina: I add what I want!


  1. I really love your abridged series and I find your critcism of Regina witty, just and deep, no matter what I think of her. I will no longer try to find her excuses, it isn't at all about that. I just want to tell you about a small factual error, still very important to avoid to apreciate the episode.

    Rumpelstiltskin: Also, you didn’t show up for your lessons. Considering you’re my only student since you murdered the other one, I put on my best teaching trousers and waited for hours!

    Technically, his pun in the original, about assuming that things had been going "toes up", hints that this happens after she tried to save Daniel but just when he officially learns about it. So this is before her first murder, when she didn't come back. He hires the new assistant after a prolonged absence, and mentions it when she returns with a new wardrobe. She's still neutral at this point.

    1. I think Paul's logic is sound.

    2. I don't believe you're right Paul. Simply because of the speech about Darkness feasting on her that Rumpel makes. He says something like the Darkness tasted her, it liked it and it would consume her. Now before her first murder, she hadn't done any dark magic (i'm not sure throwing your mother into a mirror really counts as Dark Magic and nothing in show has said so.

      Why would the darkness have 'tasted' her if she hadn't done any Dark Magic? That makes no sense. So I think this was after her first murder. Because otherwise, what darkness has she committed that might consume her? And why would Rumpel make that speech if she hadn't done anything dark yet? That would scare anyone off from working with him.

    3. I know how ambiguous it is, and I found that weird too, but from a Doylist perspective, it should be before. It wouldn't really make sense to me to give Regina two long-term absences from lessons, without even mentioning that they are at different points. The wardrobe change seems indicative, added to the fact that she is followed by guards when she comes to murder the new student in The Doctor. It means that the kingdom's functionaries and the people at large know about her lessons and her meeting Rumplestilskin. The acting and soundtrack seem to show it as a pivotal moment. Lana Parilla changes her voice during the first flashback scene (she starts with teen Regina's voice and flip-flops with the Queen's for the duration of the episode, before settling on the Queen voice), and her theme almost turns into the Queen theme she already has when she crushes the heart of the other girl.

      The character development happening here wouldn't make sense if she was already evil: the Blue Fairy mentions that she is "surrounded by darkness". I think it is supposed to show that she isn't currently evil. Even though she is already potentially dangerous, and Tinkerbell replies that this is exactly the sort of person who could use help, as if it would make a difference. Later, she tells her "Don't do that ! Don't give up !", which means that Regina hasn't given up yet (from an innocent fairy's perspective, killing someone in cold blood would be giving up).

      Also, I think Rumple's speech is part of the most interesting pattern concerning Regina's characterization, something I believe the writers do purposedly (then again, I might be wrong). A lot of time, Rumple or her mother will tell her that she has a choice and she does have options, just very limited ones which they don't seem to see as a real choice themselves. Cora strangles (smothers ?) her with the saddle to make her answer. She answers to her daughter's surrender to her own threats of pysical abuse ("I'll be good") as one would an honest answer. She tells Regina that she is free because she has lost motivation to do what she really wants and has the power given through the marriage her mother once forced on her. Here, Rumple tells her that she has no options and that darkness has tasted her, because he knows it will push her over the edge, but it contradicts everything he said earlier when he needed her to start down that path. In We Are Both, he told her that the choice would be hers. He was already manipulating her life and playing with her perceptions (he already knows what will happen through precognition) and reverse-echoing what she tells Snow White when she obviously doesn't have a choice (with the apple). It is also echoed, to a lesser degree by her behavior with Henry and everyone else in Welcome To Storybrooke ("I know you don't understand it now, but it will be something."). I think that what many of us see as a comic incapacity to make informed rational decisions is supposed to be an imperfect understanding of what free will actually is, due partly to her negligence, and partly to external circumstances, like Rumple's manipulation (none of which, alone, would have made her like she is).

      Also, have a happy new year, and many happy brillant abridged episodes !