Rumpelstiltskin: Where
are my guards?!
Regina: I’m sure
I killed them.
Rumpelstiltskin: So
you cast the curse, the curse goes rushing out and you stop to have a chat with
me before you try to rush ahead of it? Slowest. Curse. Ever.
Regina: Sort of
like Charming’s brain!
Rumpelstiltskin: Personal
space there Regina…
Regina: I’m going
to have everything I want!
Rumpelstiltskin: Except
your father, WHOOPS!
Regina: Yeah…that
grief lasted for like 5 minutes….I’m sympathetic!
Rumpelstiltskin: I
should back away in case you start believing I might be your dad….
Regina: Wh- why?
Rumpelstiltskin: Oh
no reason that has anything to do with how I Might’ve known your mom in more
than just the formal way back in the day…
Rumpelstiltskin: We
totally dated, yo!
Regina: I just
made myself forget that because my brain would melt otherwise, what are we
talking about?
Regina: Oh yes!
Me winning!
Rumpelstiltskin: Until
Emma swoops in and kicks your ass!
Regina: What?
That can’t be right!
Rumpelstiltskin: Is
your attention span this much? I already told you this!
Rumpelstiltskin: Attention
span of a goldfish, you’ve got!
Regina: Ugh, all
I heard was ‘baby’ and threw up in my mouth.
Regina: And then
you started talking more and I got bored.
Rumpelstiltskin: And
I thought getting you to cast this curse might be hard…
Regina: Guess I’m
going to have to be sympathetic and kill a baby!
Rumpelstiltskin: Wow….you’re…saying
that….
Rumpelstiltskin: How
about that hole in your heart that can never be filled that gets retconned all
the hell?
Rumpelstiltskin: HMMMMMMM?
Regina: Show
rules don’t apply to me!
Rumpelstiltskin: I
know you might be a special snowflake but you still have rules you need to
follow, okay?
Regina: I do not!
*Stomps foot*
Rumpelstiltskin: Do
too! Do too! *Sticks tongue out*
Regina: You just
want a deal to be let out!
Rumpelstiltskin: Woman,
I have a horde of fangirls waiting to spring me! I’m right where I want to be!
Rumpelstiltskin: But
do you think you could get me a chamber pot? They won’t let me have that OR a
bed!...or conjugal visits from my 18 fiancés…
Regina: *Doesn’t want
to imagine conjugal visits*
Regina: *Imagined it*
Regina: Wait,
you’re being creepy! Why do I go to Snow and then wake up thinking this curse
was my own idea and a good one? *Immediately
forgets* Wait, what are we talking about? I’m so
confused….
*Don’t know why he
might be dead, don’t ask me*
Regina: Hold on!
I know CPR!
Emma: Regina!
Since you apparently have true love for our son, split your heart in two since
mine can’t be extracted and stick it in
Baelfire: What?!
Emma: IT’s a
thing that happens later!
Baelfire: The
true love thing or the heart splitting thing!?
Emma: Both?
Baelfire: …..
Baelfire: WHAT?!
Pan: Hahahaha,
I’m evil!
*Is being ignored*
Pan: Hey….hey,
didn’t you hear me? I’m evil!
*Is still being
ignored*
Pan: Fine,
whatever, I’ll just take my dad and go! *tosses
box from one hand to another*
*Itty bitty Rumple is
being smacked around*
Emma: You fiend!
Baelfire: Um…Emma…that
won’t work…Emma, you should know that…Emma! *Is so embarrassed*
*Itty bitty Rumple is
screaming curses*
Pan: Geez, did he kiss his mother with that mouth?
Pan: Geez, did he kiss his mother with that mouth?
Emma: Grr!
Pan: Did he kiss
YOU with that mouth?
Emma: GRR!
Pan: Hahahaha!
I’m evil! *Flies away* I’ll kill you
next time!
Emma: That felt
anticlimactic….YEAH YOU BETTER RUN!
Regina: Another
round of electroshock therapy for Belle…how tedious…
Archie: Electro-what?
Regina: I keep
forgetting I say things out loud…
Archie: Maybe
this is why you don’t have many friends…
.
Regina: I guess I
feel incomplete….
Regina: Or
something…
Regina: Fix me.
Or entertain me with your comedy routine.
Regina: …
Regina: Well? I’m
waiting!
Regina: *expects
to be healed then and there*
Archie: I could
never be a comedian! I don’t have the bravery to talk to large audiences! So I
guess I ‘ll just help you…career driven women sometimes don’t have time for
families and feel incomplete…I think…I don’t know, I’ve never been one so I
can’t speak for personal experiences…
Archie: Anyway,
how’s your love life?
Regina: He
doesn’t try to resist me anymore, I’m bored.
Archie: *Is worried*
Regina: Well…new
boyfriend won’t work, guess that ruins everything. I was pretty happy until
that stupid Owen kid came and ruined everything and I had to kill his father.
Archie: Uh….
Archie: ….
Regina: What?
Regina: Doctor
Patient confidentiality still applies when talking about brutal murders, right?
Archie: Well, if
you felt that cold heart of yours thaw near a kid, maybe you should get one!
Regina: I’m
totally for that! They’re like puppies, right? Just go in and pay for one?
Archie: I don’t…I
don’t think so…
Archie: What have
I done?
Regina: I’M GOING
TO BE A MOM!
Archie: Maybe I
should’ve just suggested a puppy…
Mr. Gold: So
bored, I can’t believe Archie cancelled bowling citing emotional trauma…
Regina: Gold, I
want to have a baby and I want you to drop everything and make it happen.
Mr. Gold: *Heard
‘throw me on the counter and make a woman out of me’* Okay, but I don’t do
sharesies with the sheriff.
Regina: Uggggh,
that’s not what I meant! Pervert.
Mr. Gold: You’re
missing out but whatever. I’m a catch…
Regina: I want to
adopt a baby and I want it now! Make it happen!
Mr. Gold: You didn’t
really put much thought into this, have you? I mean you’re wearing the same
clothes and everything…
Regina: How hard
can motherhood be? My mom did it and I turned out fine!
*IS failing to keep
from laughing*
Regina: *Is super
offended*
Mr. Gold: Sure…you
and adoption….I’ll get right on that….
Regina: You
better, or I’ll paint your house a normal color!
Mr. Gold: Listen,
I can’t summon a baby out of thin air, okay? You have to be on a waiting list.
Regina: The rules
don’t apply to me!
*breezes out*
Mr. Gold: Finally,
thought she’d never leave. Now I can play with my Mickey Mouse phone some more…
Mr. Gold: Now I
know why Archie felt traumatized….
Mr. Gold: Poor
Archie…I should bring him cupcakes…
Regina: Well,
that went about as well as can be expected…
Emma: well, you
know this island better than anyone! Time to get cracking!
Baelfire: I um…I
don’t know where Pan might be for some reason…
Baelfire: I spent
two hundred years here…sort of never paid attention….
Regina: Boy, are you
two dumb!
Regina: My son!
My son! My son!
Emma: See, when I
say that bull crap the internet throws a fit but when you say it, it’s okay?
Regina: Well YOU
have your parents and Hook and Bae and he’s all I have!
Emma: And whose
fault is that Regina? You’re bringing up my potential happiness now? Like that
can replace my kid? I seem to remember a season 1 finale where I didn’t have
anything but him either. You remember that?
Regina: No!
Regina: I choose
to forget what I don’t like to remember! Like you being the protagonist in this
show!
Baelfire: How
come I never noticed this place before?
Emma: Hey, our
kid is dying while you’re feeling sorry for yourself so shape up or ship out;
we have to save his life.
Regina: *Whines*
Emma: You’re not the
only one getting affected by this. Let’s go beat up some Lost Boys…
Baelfire: What
happens if we knock that hour glass over?
Emma: For God’s
sakes, Neal!
Baelfire: At
least I HAVE ideas!
Emma: No! We’re
going to wander around the jungle some more! Totally the way to go!
Regina: Um…Emma…*Is worried she’ll be decapitated* What
are you doing?
Emma: I’m not
going to kill you! The heart that’s supposed to make Pan super invulnerable made
him vulnerable for a short time!
Regina: What.
Regina: I can’t believe
you guys made me carry him. My back is tired! And who put this mattress down?
Snow: White
sheets too, Emma!
Emma: I wanted
him to be comfortable! I’m sorry!
Charming: Maybe…yeah,
where is he?
Baelfire: *feels
awkward* Pan shoved him in a little box…
Charming: That
must’ve been a tight fit!
Regina: Henry!
Henry speak to me!
Baelfire: Well,
shoving over the hour glass didn’t work! Anyone one else got any ideas?
Hook: Grr, my
time to shine!
Hook: We have
some Lost Boys to get your anger out on Emma. I thought you might like that!
Regina: MINE!
Emma: Oh God…
Regina: I forgot
they were there until a second ago!
Regina: *Dark Knight
Voice* WHERE ARE THEY?!
Felix: What are
you asking me for? I’m not the leader. I wasn’t here last episode! I don’t know
what happened!
Snow: Charming,
stop her.
Charming: I don’t
want to…
Regina: I’ll rip
your heart out if you don’t tell me!
Emma: Hey! I’m
suddenly against you doing that!
Regina: You were
fine last time!
Emma: Only for
delivering messages that didn’t amount to anything!
Emma: I was lost
once too! But not…held captive for centuries and essentially brainwashed by a
manipulative man child so…this is going to go fifty-fifty in terms of working…
Regina: Can I rip
hearts out if it doesn’t work?
Emma: NO!
Regina: *Whines*
Mr. Gold: Playing
chess with myself is the only satisfaction I get…
Regina: WHERE’S
MY NEW BABY?!
Mr. Gold: Do you
have to come in here and scream that EVERY. DAY?
Mr. Gold: My ears
aren’t what they used to be!
Regina: Is he
here? Is he here?
Mr. Gold: The
last family fell through…mostly because I put out a hit on them…so I happened
to make a donation to the social worker who handles this thing and they moved
you up to the top…
Mr. Gold: I
expect to be reimburse for my payment to the hitman by the way.
Regina: I’m going
to be a mother and you can’t stop me!
Mr. Gold: I
wasn’t…aiming to…
Regina: *Squees*
Regina: Here’s an envelope….good thing they didn’t
check my credentials…
Mr. Gold: But
here he is…
Regina: MINE!
Mr. Gold: Wait…where’s
my reimbursement?
Regina: “Welcome
to Storybrooke” hinted that I couldn’t leave town when I put my hand out and
there was a barrier there…Oh well, too bad the hints that Mr. Gold got this
baby illegally also didn’t pan out either.
Adoption Agent: Well,
these references look good and you’re a mayor!
Regina: Tee hee!
They’d never recommend me if they knew who I truly was!
Adoption Agent: This
will consist of several interviews and home visits you know…just in case you’re
actually a power hungry abusive tyrant.
Adoption Agent: Can’t
be too careful these days.
Regina: Look, the
town’s so invisible, it’s not like you’d be able to see it, is there any way
you can just…hand him over?
Regina: The way
real adoptions work?
Regina: *Is knowledgeable
about such things*
Adoption Agent: That’s
not how this works…
Regina: I could
rip your heart out and make your life miserable!
Regina: Seriously,
my sheriff is in my pocket, I could find a way to send him out and destroy you!
Adoption Agent: Oh…
Regina: I’ll
totally be a good mother!
Adoption Agent: You
also realize…home visits will be required afterwards to make sure the child is
okay, right?
Regina: Ugh, just
get this over with so I can take him and you’ll never see him again!
Adoption Agent: Well,
I see no reason why we have to check back up on these references, or do
interviews and home visits like an actual agency would have! He’s all yours!
Regina: Did Mr.
Gold steal a baby and pay you guys to masquerade as adoption agents? Because there’s
no way it’s this easy!
Adoption Agent: Yes.
He. Did.
Regina: That Mr.
Gold!
Adoption Agent: He’s
a character!
Regina: *Is a bit
worried now*
Regina: IS THAT
MY BABY?!
Henry: Get me out
of here! I can smell her evil stench across the parking lot! *Comes out in baby
fusses instead of words*
Regina; Aww! He’s talking like he likes me already!
Grandmother: But
this isn’t your baby! I’m just showing this agent how happy we are since my
daughter adopted him! Please give him back! He’s ours!
Regina: Not
anymore!
Regina: I’m a
mother!
Henry: *Spits up*
Regina: Ew
gross…what…I’m not a mother! What do I do?
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