Think Happy Thoughts Part 2

Rumpelstiltskin: So…..you guys just have a mini one of these randomly lying around?

 

Spinster 1: He has the making of a good spinner!

Spinster 2: We’ll get rich off of his child labor!

 

Rumpelstiltskin: I’ve been at this for twelve hours, I just want to go home.

 

Spinster 1: Oh look, he’s pretending he doesn’t know his dad sold his home so he can cry and we’ll give him an extra juice box.

 

Rumpelstiltskin: Wut?

 

Spinster 1: I said get back to work!

 

Spinster 1: Or there’ll be no dinner or dessert!

 

Spinster 1: Your father is a bit of a dick…

Spinster 2: Oh, it’s true…he’s totally getting drunk right now, partying that he has no son…

 

Rumpelstiltskin: Then I’ll hunt him down and end it….

 

Spinster 2: Hm. *Is freaked out*

Spinster 1: Before you do, we have something for you

 

Rumpelstiltskin: Is that something that came out of your nose?

 

Spinster 1: It’s a magical bean which may or may not be rare now.

Spinster 2: And we just happen to have it! And we’ll entrust it to you and your untrustworthy father for some reason!

Spinster 1: We’re shadier than the Blue Fairy!

 

Rumpelstiltskin: Can I eat it?

 

Spinster 1: You can do whatever you want with it….but only if you do 12 more hours of work.

 

Rumpelstiltskin: You don’t have cable or internet so whatever.

 

Rumpelstiltskin: Sorry, are we still talking about this?

 

Emma: *Sniffles* I trusted you and everything.

 

Rumpelstiltskin: *Felt the blow of those words*

 

Regina: For SHAME!

 

Baelfire: Hey wait a minute…isn’t that the woman who tried to kill us the last time I saw her? What’s going on?!

 

Rumpelstiltskin: Things have changed apparently, don’t ask me, Regina jumps the fence so much, it’s surprising she doesn’t have splinters on her arse.

 

Baelfire: I’m so confused right now

 

Rumpelstiltskin: *Puppy eyes* This will save Henry from Pan. You just have to let me use it.

 

Rumpelstiltskin: I’m going to put it in your hands now…because I saw the light and I’m trustworthy now, Emma. I have decreed it so.

 

Baelfire: I’ll take that.

Rumpelstiltskin: Nooooooo! Darn it, Bae, I was trying to impress Emma!

 

Baelfire: *Is struggling* Dad, let go

 

Rumpelstiltskin: Whatever, it was a gift for Emma *Is sad*

 

Snow: Friggin…I wanted to shoot someone. *looks at the pirate*

 

Rumpelstiltskin: I’m good now!

 

Rumpelstiltskin: Also Pan is your grandpa. Just saying it onscreen now

 

Baelfire: My life is so messed up…

 

Malcom: I’m a terrible conman, you never con in the same place twice on the same possible day!

 

Malcom: Hey little boy, want to follow the lady?

 

Rumpelstiltskin: I knew you were untrustworthy!

 

Malcom: I’ve sort of told you that all my life, Rumple…

 

Rumpelstiltskin: *Runs away crying* My magic bean and I will go play elsewhere!

Customer: You made that poor child cry?! This is the end of my business with you!

 

Random Passerby: ?

Malcom: *Sigh* Wait, what magic bean?

 

Malcom: Slow down, midget, my legs can’t keep up!

Rumpelstiltskin: I’m going to go hang out with the spinsters. They want me!

 

Malcom: I know, but that’s beside the point.

 

Rumpelstiltskin: I knew you were a terrible father but attempts to abandon me to gamble is just a new low! Though I shouldn’t be surprised; when your name’s MALCOM and mine's RUMPELSTILTSKIN, it says A LOT about what sort of father you’re going to be!

 

Malcom: Erm….your mother…named you?

 

Malcom: Now hand over the magic bean

 

Rumpelstiltskin: You can’t make me!

 

Malcom: *Has no idea what to do after this point* Oh God, I was hoping childhood rebellion wouldn’t be until nine!

 

Rumpelstiltskin: I’m advanced for my age.

 

Rumpelstiltskin: But this bean will fix everything

 

Malcom: Evil!

 

Malcom: I mean, that bean could transport me to Neverland! A place I visited as a boy in my dreams!

 

Rumpelstiltskin: It’s a recurring dream you dim-dim!  You’re not going to waste my chance at happiness on a place that might not even be real!

 

Malcom: Gimme! I’m your father and I said so!

 

Rumpelstiltskin: Whatever, there better be cake and girls

 

Malcom: Well…cake…but you can fly!

 

Rumpelstiltskin: And get bugs stuck in my eyeballs? That’s hardly fun.

 

Rumpelstiltskin: But whatever, here you go, I have no idea where we could go anyway

 

Malcom: ALL MY DREAM WILL COME TRUE! SEE YOU AROUND!

 

Rumpelstiltskin: I’m coming too!

 

Malcom: *Is horrified*

 

Malcom: *This isn’t the way he was hoping this would go*

 

Malcom: Ow, I hit my nose too hard!

 

Rumpelstiltskin: The genes I have to look forward to…all right there….

 

Malcom: This is your face all the time.

 

Malcom: Are we going to go to Neverland or not!

 

Rumpelstiltskin: It had BETTER be fun!

 

Malcom: I’m gonna hawk this so fast!

 

Malcom: *Drops it* FRIG!

 

Malcom: *Makes uncomfortable face*  I meant to do that

 

Rumpelstiltskin: Why does that look like the vortex of “Always backfire on Rumple”?

 

Malcom: HERE I COME, NEVERLAND!

Rumpelstiltskin: But me too!

 

Snow: For God’s sakes; Rumple’s with us, we can TELEPORT NOW!

 

Emma: *Runs up and taps* Did that annoy you?

Hook: YES! STOP DOING IT!

 

Emma: Trade places with me! Rumple’s enjoying the view too much!

Hook: I don’t want him admiring MY goods!

Rumpelstiltskin: YOU DON’T HAVE ANY!

 

Hook: I wish he’d stop listening in!

 

Emma: Does this mean you’re going to tell him about our kiss and have childish fights with him too to assert your position?

Hook: No, he’d snap me like a twig.

 

Emma: He gave me a box. I mean…that was sweet of him…

 

Hook: He also took my hand. That wasn’t very sweet.

Rumpelstiltskin: It was funny though!

 

Emma: You can go on, you know.

Hook: They won’t. They like pelting rocks at me too much.

 

Rumpelstiltskin: I do nothing of the sort EMmmmmmmaaaaaaa, and I’ll prove that by confidently walking ahead because I’m secure about our love.

 

Emma: How fun, another one.

 

Rumpelstiltskin: Oh, one more thing

 

Rumpelstiltskin: Six days of being in the jungle and you look as radiant as ever. Truly the sun has arrived in a land where it’s always night.

 

Hook: *Is trying to smile to hide how insecure he feels*

Baelfire: *Is super embarrassed*
Emma: Please…stop….

Rumpelstiltskin: In face, of the three of you, truly you are the light….except for Bae who I’d do anything but for other than him!

 

Emma: I chose Henry

 

Rumpelstiltskin: So have I, Emma. So have I….which is why I don’t want to kill him any longer.

 

Emma: *Is hopeful*

 

Rumpelstiltskin: Shall we?

 

Emma: Yes…

 

Rumpelstiltskin: Also I can save your father. Not halfway like the smelly pirate

 

Baelfire: Hey! Hey! Hey! You better not make her pay a price for that.

Rumpelstiltskin: What do I look like? A horrible person?

 

Rumpelstiltskin: I don’t need a price. Emma’s happiness is enough!

 

Baelfire: And it better stay free of charge.

 

Emma: I don’t know who I’m in love with more

 

Emma: I’ll be in my bunk…

 

Hook: Smooth bastard.

 

Tinkerbelle: Did you guys take a wrong turn at Albuquerque or something? What’s keeping you?

 

Charming: You three better not be flirting with my daughter again! I’ll do something about it this time!

 

Emma: If I can’t get a bunk, I’m ready to siege an attack, anyone else?

 

Charming: Hey! What’re you reaching for!

Regina: That’s my boyfriend!

Snow: *Could ship it*

 

Rumpelstiltskin: I have your back Emma. Like I always mostly have!

 

Regina: Try not to get stabbed with dream shade, okay?

 

Rumpelstiltskin: Try not to repeat every plan you had in season 2 where you failed so horribly.

 

Baelfire: Oooooooo

 

Regina: *Jaw clench*

 

*Everyone is hit with a spell*

 

Baelfire: Where’s Felix? I want to draw stuff on his face!

Emma:  I heard a Lost Boy say that he was taking Henry to Skull Rock without him and Felix is elsewhere getting drunk and singing “All my Myself”

 

Emma: This…really wasn’t that hard to storm. Why did we need Tink again?

 

Wendy: HEY! BLONDIE! I HAVE ETERNITY AND I DON’T WANT TO SPEND IT HERE

 

Emma: I’ll save you! What’s your name?

 

Wendy: You could open the door…

 

Emma: Should I? I’m not clear on who we should trust anymore. Peter Pan being evil has just shattered my whole childhood

 

Baelfire: ZOMGWENDY!

Rumpelstiltskin: Holy shoot, Bae has a type

 

Baelfire: Here, I’LL let you out!

 

Wendy: Bae, hold me, I have years’ worth of trauma being trapped in that cage…

 

Wendy: Pan ran off with Henry!

 

Baelfire: You’ve been here this whole time?

 

Wendy: Yes, we wanted you to have a family so we came to find you but Pan enslaved me and enslaved my brothers!

 

Baelfire: My sacrifice was for nothing?!

 

Wendy: Yeah. Sorta. My bad.

 

Rumpelstiltskin: Bae, you’re not very good at this.

 

Baelfire: Sort of better than you…

 

Rumpelstiltskin: Oh yeah, that’s right….

 

Rumpelstiltskin: I’m okay. A crab broke my fall

 

Malcom: I have sand up my nose!

 

Rumpelstiltskin: Yay! We’re in Neverland! Or….Lost….

 

Malcom: Oh…glad I didn’t land on those logs…

 

Malcom: I DID IT!

 

Rumpelstiltskin: *Is in awe*

 

Malcom: Rumple…you okay there?

Rumpelstiltskin: *Is in awe*

Malcom: Well, see you around them

Rumpelstiltskin: *Is in awe*

 

Malcom: Watch me fly! There’s a very specific process

 

Malcom: YOU CAN’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO, GRAVITY!

 

Malcom: *Coat swirl*

 

Rumpelstiltskin: Where’s my cake?

 

Malcom: Now dream of a McDonalds! I’m hungry!

 

Rumpelstiltskin: Ugh! This has chocolate on it, what’s that doing there?!

 

Malcom: Don’t put it in the sand! And don’t interrupt me!

 

Malcom: *Is imitating Rose from Titanic* I’m flying, Jack!

 

Rumpelstiltskin: Dad, how much did you drink before we left?

 

Malcom: Not enough to ignore you!

 

Malcom: I believe I can fly!

*Faceplants faster than Charming*

 

Malcom: I can’t believe it didn’t work!

 

Rumpelstiltskin: How come I Never visited this place?

 

Malcom: Rumple, help me out here

 

Rumpelstiltskin: You’re like forty years old! Maybe the powers that be told you to hit the road and now you can’t make it work!

 

Malcom: Oh yeah! You need dust!

 

Malcom: Ugh, that crap never washed out of my dream clothes…

 

Rumpelstiltskin: *Is ignoring him and balancing on a log*

 

Malcom: C’mere!

Rumpelstiltskin: Wait! What’re you doing?!

 

Malcom: I might need you to climb the tree for me!

Rumpelstiltskin: But I hate heights!

 

Shadow: Pick up some veggies for the missus and-

 

Shadow: Who the frig is that?!