*Smack*
*smack*
*Smack*
*Splat*
*Splat*
Malcom: Tree
branches!
Rumpelstiltskin: Papa,
I thought you were dead!
Malcom: *Wipes nose
on*
Malcom: Hey, if I
get my way, I’ll never die.
Malcom: Basically,
in order for me to look sexy and fresh, I have to give you away
Rumpelstiltskin: For
frig’s sake, papa, you say that EVERY day
Malcom: Yeah but
I mean it this time!
Rumpelstiltskin: Well
maybe I’ll mean it when I say that I know where you sleep and I can make you very
sorry.
Malcom: *IS worried*
You wouldn’t!
Rumpelstiltskin: Try
me. Have you seen what I go through? I might as well start my reign of terror
now.
Malcom: *Has no idea
how to handle this*
Rumpelstiltskin: I’m
going to take my savings and go build a house on the other side of the island
and it’ll be grander than yours!
Malcom: Then I’ll
move in when you’re gone! Because I realized that if I get rid of you, I can
forget about you and be young again! I was never meant to grow old! I’m going
to relive my childhood and never grow up!
Rumpelstiltskin: Yeah,
we all want to run off and join the circus at some point but eventually some of
us realize that we’re too freaky for even them to take.
Shadow: I don’t
even WANT to have- FINE!
Rumpelstiltskin: WHAT
THE FRIGGIN’ FRIG ARE YOU?!
Shadow: I’LL ask
the questions, here!
Malcom: So we sat
down and talked everything out during tea time….which is something we’ll never
see even though the shadow doesn’t seem like the type to negotiate about me not
belonging here….you’ll be FINE. I’m sure you’ll just grow up to believe I tried
to abandon you instead of actually abandoning you.
Malcom: Let go!
This is vintage!
Rumpelstiltskin: Oh
sweet mother of Earthbound! What is that?!
Malcom: Show some
respect! His name is Frank!
Rumpelstiltskin: Happy
place! Happy place! Happy place!
Malcom: So long kiddo;
hope I’m not the happiest time in your life because that’ll be really
unfortunate…
Shadow: Take a
look!
Rumpelstiltskin: I
don’t wanna!
Shadow: You have
to look! Otherwise things will be awkward later!
Pan: Hello
laddie!
Rumpelstiltskin: Who
the frig are you?!
Pan: I- uh…didn’t
you see me transform?
Rumpelstiltskin: Papa?
Uh…no?
Pan: How typical, you fail even at that.
*Sad puppy*
Malcom: AUGH! THE
MIST! IT’S EATING ME!
Pan: My raging
allergies! I forgot I had these this young!
Pan: Is this what
I’m wearing?
Pan: Mmmm, those
were some good times….
Pan: Ugh, I can
feel his old man odor from here….
Rumpelstiltskin: What
is this place, is it bigger on the inside than the outside?
Pan: Reminds me
of you when you were a kid and I had to feed you.
Rumpelstiltskin: Reminds
ME of you when you drank and I wondered where it all went.
Pan: You’re still
fussy about all that? I got over abandoning you EONS ago!
Pan: Can you wrap
this up? I have a very important heart grab to do…
Rumpelstiltskin: Yeah
so…putting a heart in someone else’s body doesn’t work…the people in question
might have been dead but we’ve seen it before…
Pan: But heart of
the truest believer! And magic!
Rumpelstiltskin: And
you’re putting an eleven year old’s heart in an eighteen year old’s
body…medically that can cause some problems, dad…
Pan: No! Heart of
the truest believer! And Magic!
Rumpelstiltskin: We’re
eight episodes in and we’re already starting to violate our own rules…it’s
going to be a long season
Pan: Just give me
the box!
Rumpelstiltskin: Sure.
Let me give you a tour. You go ahead and go on in; I have a phone call I need
to make…
Rumpelstiltskin: Though
I have to warn you, the electricity’s faulty and it’s a bit cramped, but hey,
you’ll find the solitude and eternal youth that you get so excited about….
Pan: *Doesn’t think
he’s very funny*
*Goes to pout*
Rumpelstiltskin: Oh
dad, come on! Can’t you take a joke!?
Pan: The joke was
that I still couldn’t forget about you! Because you and your family kept
popping up!
Pan: And then you
left your stupid doll, I always told you to pick up your toys. I
thought….hey…you know what would be fun? Pie eating contests! And….taking my
son’s doll’s name for myself…Which really does sort of negate my idea to forget
everything about you so I could be a kid again….a child can’t have a child…
Rumpelstiltskin: Have
you MET some people?
Rumpelstiltskin: You
sort of already WERE in that position, I’m just saying.
*Is insulted*
Rumpelstiltskin: Time
to move into your new home!
Pan: GIMME! I
promise to give it back!
Rumpelstiltskin: No!
That would defeat the whole purpose of shoving you in here and saving the day
and being good!
Pan: For your
girlfriend?
Rumpelstiltskin: For
everybody!
Pan: Problem?
Rumpelstiltskin: This
usually works…
Pan: Performance
issues, nothing to be ashamed of. Everyone has them…well…except me, because I
have the superior product….
Rumpelstiltskin: What?!
Pan: I just
believed I had the real thing and you had a copy! How cool is that?!
Pan: Also this is
really heavy. How many people do you have in here?
Rumpelstiltskin: Not
as much as I would like really…
Rumpelstiltskin: HEY,
YOU DISTRACTED ME!
Pan: Gooood, let
the mist eat you alive!
*Hears a little bitty
Rumple knocking on the wall*
Pan: Mmmmm,
that’s good child abuse!
Rumpelstiltskin: DAD’S
TERRIBLE…. What a lovely door knocker…
Spinster: Who is
it now?
Spinster 2: We
don’t get this much traffic until National Spinster day and that’s only because
we guilt everyone to come over…
Rumpelstiltskin: My
dad abandoned me!
Rumpelstiltskin: Also
the shadow dropped me off at the wrong place and I had to walk fifteen miles!
Spinster 1: Just
have been a male shadow…sense of direction and all that.
Rumpelstiltskin: Did
you guys prepare this bed for me?
Spinster: Well…we sort of knew that this might
happen…very high probability in fact…but you just get cuddled into bed, this is
a time for naps. This used to be where our sister slept.
Rumpelstiltskin: Oh,
that’s nice.l
Spinster 2: You
know she died in that bed!
Spinster 2: Sweet
thing…
Spinster: We
should probably take this scarf off before you hurt yourself…
Rumpelstiltskin: And
the stupid shadow stole fifteen dollars and my doll.
Spinster: *Really
doesn’t believe the tale about a flying shadow* Sure it did, Rumple…sure it
did….
Pan: *Sigh* At
least I have some wood for the fire…
Pan: AUGH NO!
IT’S EATING ME AGAIN!
Pan: HELP! I
FORGOT HOW TO STOP!
Pan: Oh hey,
there’s the Lost crew…
Pan: And there’s
Tom Hanks the Castaway….
Pan: I can’t wait
to go pay a visit to the Gilligan crew but first I have to check out this sunk
of sweet rock…
Pan: Lucy, I’m
HOME!
Not!Lucy: *Seductive*
I’ve been waiting for you!
Pan: The heck is
that hourglass?
Shadow: The time
we have to wait till the next season of Sherlock!
Pan: What?! That
long?
Shadow: And it’s
still not absolute!
Pan: Geez, what’s
it going to take to speed things up?
Shadow: Ripping
out the hearts of children!
Pan: I really
don’t know how to do that…
Shadow: I’m sure
you’ll figure it out…
Pan: Why can’t I
just…believe the heart of the truest believer is in my hand?
Shadow: Shut up!
That’s not how it works!
Pan: Why can’t I
believe the Truest believer is here with me now? I eventually figure out what
he’s supposed to look like…
Shadow: I said
that’s not how it works! It goes against the rules! You can’t bring back the
dead, you can’t make anyone fall in love with you, you can’t wish for multiple
wishes, and you can’t wish for the heart of the truest believer to pop up in
your hand! That’s the basic laws of magic!
Pan: Well maybe
you can find him for me!
Shadow: I don’t
even WORK for you!
Pan: you do now;
Frank…you do now…
Shadow: *Wonders if
he can shove him in that glass*
Henry: Hey, what’s
going on? I was in the bathroom.
Pan: Eh, I have a
new soccer ball
*Itty bitty Rumple
bangs on the wall and cries*
Pan: I should
probably throw it in the ocean but…eh, I don’t pollute!
Pan: Are we ready
to get this done?
Henry: I was
ready HOURS ago! You were the problem!
Pan: “I” wanted
to make this special!
Henry: My God,
you realize that you villains could get a lot done if you didn’t just drag
everything out?
Henry: I was
always quick about getting everything done. And the only reason Regina’s not
dead is a lot of luck on her part!
Pan: We do things
different!
Henry: Not when I
have control! I’ll rule the universe in about five years. I have a plan.
Pan: Then why
don’t you do something about it to show that you’re capable?
Pan: Embrace the
power of the eyebrow
Henry: I would if
you shut up; this takes a lot of concentration!
Pan: I wouldn’t
know, I never figured out how to do it…in hindsight, maybe I should know….
Henry: I’m still
not entirely confidant this will work. I mean you have your heart intact and
everything…
Pan: It’s fine!
Mine’s so shriveled up and black that there’s more than enough room!
Pan: Look, let’s
get this going. It may look like I have a lot of time but all that sand on top
but it’s only a few seconds!
Henry: Here we
go….I hope this doesn’t ruin my new shirt
Henry: AUGH! THE
AGONY! THIS BETTER BE WORTH IT!
Regina: Finally, we’re
here!
Baelfire: MY SON
IS HOLDING A HUMAN HEART! *Flails around
and is horrified that his son’s serial killer dreams are coming true*
Emma: Henry! You
put that thing back where it came from or so help me….
Pan: Oh…now I see
what he meant about the peril of dragging this out…
Henry: Hey guys,
what’s up?
Baelfire: Pan is
evil! I should know, I was with him for 200 years!
Pan: Two hundred
glorious years in which you got your own cave with a view and a body pillow!
Regina: Henry
Pan: Oh hey, there’s
the mother that tried to kill your other mom and all your family….
Emma: Okay, that
might be true but don’t listen to Pan!
Pan: You guys
just spent 8 episodes wandering around?! Where’s my beloved stepdad?
Emma: He’s not
here?! *Imagines all sorts of torture he might be going through*
Baelfire: If he
pulls the ‘adults are liars’ thing, remember that unlike the two to my right, I
have never abandoned you or lied to you, so Pan’s logic makes no sense!
Henry: But I can
take over this place and be taller and older and eyebrow power!
Regina: He’s
lying to you…you should know this! Your entire family is made up of liars,
manipulators, and…okay maybe just two of us and the rest are boring, but you
should listen to the family that came for you…
Regina: I mean
look at this guy, he already knew that we were here and you knew that we were
here and he never told you…and then there was that whole first meeting where he
fooled you by lying about who he was, which you’ve apparently forgotten about,
and had his lost boys stare at you all creepily….
Baelfire: And Wendy’s
totally alive and whatever you think might be wrong with her can be healed by
the wave of an arm just like EVERYTHING ELSE ON THIS SHOW.
Henry: They’re
making a good case, dude. What do you have to say?
Pan: With your
gene pool on your father’s side, that might be the tallest you’ll ever get. Do
you want that?
Henry: Aw, he’s
making a good case, guys.
Pan: I believe
you’ll make the right decision! Which will be what I tell you to do…
Emma: Regina now
would be a good time to use magic and teleport him away from our son…
Pan: Silence your
logic! I’m trying to make my case; you guys don’t get to interfere on this
part!
Pan: You could
have as many fan girls as your grandfather in this body!
Henry: I really
love fan girls. I’m in!
Pan: UNLIMITED
POWERRRRR….
Pan: Oh, my bad,
that was gas from all the excitement…
Tinkerbelle: Oh
god…
Hook: Pan’s gas….
Charming: I found
the best place ever for our new home!
Snow: You’re
sweet, but I’m not living in the old abandoned Indian camp….I didn’t like the
possible racial connotations that our company had for it…
Charming: WHOA!
Charming: That
did not feel good…
Snow: Whatever
that was, I hope I didn’t get pregnant from it..
Charming: I hope
“I” didn’t get pregnant from it…
Henry: I’m
taller! AND I HAVE MAGIC!
Pan: Wow, hold
on, let me stifle that voice in here with me….there we go…
Emma: HHENNNNRYYYYYY
*Trips*
*Falls into a pile*
Pan: I’m taller
than all of you!
Emma: Hm…we were ineffective.
Regina: I’m sure
this is your fault…
The End
Rumple was fantastic in this.
ReplyDeleteMalcolm is still awful, Emma is kind of the best flashbackless, storyless protagonist. Henry seems to agree to do things because he's bored, which makes perfect sense given his character. Oh, Henry.
ReplyDelete