3x01 - Heart of the Truest Believer Part 1

*Subtlety!*

 

Emma: Thanks guys! Where do you think I’m going?!

Emma: Well, this doesn’t seem to be so bad. I mean with the epidural and all.

 

Nurse: What epidural?

 

Emma: Oh crap!

*Lights are flickering*

 

Emma: *Is a bit worried* Oh um….guys? Should you get those fluctuations looked at? Because I’m…a bit worried. I mean, I know they happened during sex with Neal, but I think I might have a poltergeist watching me….

Doctor: Ah, you’re the cleanest baby I know

Not Yet Henry: MWAHAHAHAHAHA!

 

Emma: What was that?

Not Yet Henry: I mean…wah wah goo gah goo gah.

 

Emma: *Is a bit freaked out* I can’t look at him! He’ll hypnotize me with his evil eyes. 

Doctor: Your evil overlord son requests to be held now.

 

Emma: That’s a whole lotta ‘nope’ there, doc. I gotta do my best to get him out in the world so I can get on a hit show about fairy tales.

 

Doctor: Oh…well…if it makes you feel better, he’s sort of goofy looking anyway.

 

Emma: Just like his FATHER!

 

Emma: Oh, hope he doesn’t get put into a house that abuses him and he comes looking for me for vengeance…that’ll be awkward…

 

Regina: WOULD IT HAVE KILLED YOU TO INSTALL SEAT BELTS?

Snowing: OMG!

Rumpelstiltskin: OMG!

Regina: OMG!

Emma: OMG!

 

Hook: Still single, shipmates! 

 

Group: *Are screaming in terror*

Group: *Are all sprawled out on the floor*

 

Hook: *Pulls self up* That wasn’t my doing!

 

Rumpelstiltskin: *Aged 20 years because of Hook’s driving*

 

Emma: *Is catatonic because of Hook’s driving*

 

Hook: All of you shut up! I got us to where we needed to go!

 

Emma: Huh. It’s not so bad.

Henry: *Splatted on the sand*

Greg: Hey buddy! *Plops arm around him* You’re not trying to escape your captors, are you?

Henry: Nooooooo

 

Greg: Good, because if you do, I’ll scowl at you a lot and-

Henry: *Runs away*

Greg: Hey, I wasn’t READY!

 

Tamara: You hear that? The screams of the tormented?

 

Tamara: Told you we went to the right place.

Henry: I sense a presence here more evil than me. That presence WILL end.

 

Greg: Weirdo. This land is full of non-magic kittens and rainbows and they all hate magic as much as we do.

Henry: I think I’m ready to go home now.

Tamara: Camping is fun! You just have to give it a chance before you decide you hate it. We just GOT here for heaven’s sake.

 

Greg: *Just dawned on him* Wait a minute, WHAT screams of the tormented?

 

Tamara: The screams that are allllll around us!

 

Greg: Gun! Now!

 

Greg: Or…or the walkie…that’s good too….

Greg: Now kid, let’s get a campfire going ….

Greg: You know, back in the old days, they used dung. Luckily, we’re surrounded by jungle and won’t have to go that far.

 

Henry: That’s okay. I’m sure your bodies will burn the brightest once my stepdad grandpa gets ahold of you.

 

Greg: Wait, crap, he IS the Dark One isn’t he?

 

Tamara: Please tell me you put in batteries!

Greg: What batteries?! I thought you did that!

 

Greg: Uh…who gave these to us?

 

Tamara: And why didn’t we test it to make sure it worked?!

 

Greg: YOU?!

Henry: *Didn’t do it but is taking credit for it anyway* Yeah, that’s what happens when you don’t bolt your door at night…

Greg: FROWN!

Regina: Are we there yet?

Hook: We’ll get there when we get there.

Regina: How about now?
Hook: My ribs hurt from where you shoved me off a cliff the other day, so unless you want to swim your way to Neverland….

 

Regina: I smell mother nature. And I don’t like it.

 

Hook: Why? You shove her off a cliff too?

 

Regina: *Glares*

Hook: I could have died!

 

Hook: Hey, are you wearing something totally different than what you wore in the finale?

Regina: I might’ve found something down below to change into…

 

Hook: Wait….

 

Hook: MILAH’S CLOTHES?!

 

Regina: Oh, it’s not like SHE needs them anymore!

 

Regina: *Is smug*

 

Hook: *Sniffles*

Regina: Oh NOW what?!

 

Hook: Nothing! Nothing!

 

Hook: Earlier I caught Rumpelstiltskin jumping on my bed and now THIS!

 

Regina: Also, do you think villains get a happy ending?

Hook: Random! And no! We’re VILLAINS!

 

Emma: Can’t believe Hook spilled rum on my good jacket. I’m convinced he did it on purpose.

 

Charming: Yeah, the body dive on top of you sort of gave it away.

Snow: Is THAT what you’re wearing?

 

Charming: Just say the word Emma; I’ll punch him in the face!

 

Snow: So Emma, about that whole ‘talking you into saving Regina and eventually getting Henry snatched’ thing.

 

Charming: *Is ignoring Snow* What’s your relationship with Hook?

 

Snow: WHAT?!

Charming: Nothing! Nothing!

 

Emma: I’m ignoring you and hoping you go away.

 

Snow: Awwww Emma, I NEVER leave. I’ll stay forever and ever and ever…

 

Emma: Not a good time for your Mary Momgret side to show up! GOSH!

 

Snow: Don’t get that attitude with me, young lady.

 

Emma: *Is imitating* Don’t get that attitude with ME young lady!

 

Emma: *Is imitating* I only keep wanting to talk about our feelings even though my emotionally damaged daughter doesn’t want to and keeps running laps around this boat to get away from you in hopes that you’ll get the hint!

 

Snow: I thought you just wanted to jog!

 

Emma: *Is exasperated*

 

Emma: Does it LOOK like I’m in the mood for a jog?!

Snow: Guess not….

 

Charming: Oh sweet, I think I see a dolphin!

 

Snow: I just wanted you to know that if you’re up for family hugs, I am here for you.

 

Snow: And what do you say after I offer family hugs?

 

Charming: You say ‘Oh Thank God, because that’s better than honeymoon hugging Rumpelstiltskin or Hook because I know what honeymoon hugs really are!”

 

 Emma: I’d rather honeymoon hug GRUMPY than deal with either one of your and your convoluted speeches that make no sense! I have had a LONG DAY!

 

Emma: I want coffee. I want my red jacket. I want my yellow bug.

 

Emma: I want my friggin' bouncy curls back but I can’t have those anymore can I, because Greg and Tamara stole Regina’s plan, took Henry, and now we have to go to a place that made both Hook and Rumpelstiltskin curl up in a fetal position and cry together for the last hour to get him back!

Emma: *Breathes*

 

Emma: And granted, that last part was funny,

 

Emma: BUT I NEED MY SPACE, OKAY?!

Snow: I don’t think I LIKE this new attitude.

 

Rumpelstiltskin: I DO! Hiiiii Emma!

 

Emma: *Is eager What are you wearing?! Not that I care….

 

Hook: MY CLOTHES!

 

Regina: *Is a little aroused* Oh, if I was centuries older…

 

Rumpelstiltskin: Your mom got here first.

 

Emma: EWWWWWWW!

 

Rumpelstiltskin: So I was trying to listen to my iPod but your yammering’s kept distracting me, so I’m going to leave because it just occurred to me that you have NO idea what you’re doing.

Rumpelstiltskin: I’m going to get Henry back and…um…leave you guys in the process which might effectively orphan him since you guys only have Hook to guide you and he spent most of last season unconscious and might have brain damage.

 

Emma: HA! ‘might’.

 

Rumpelstiltskin: I must do what you should not have to since your record of defeating villains permanently has been disappointing so far! *Departing eye sex*

 

Emma: *Angry eye sex*

 

Rumpelstiltskin: Ooo! I knew you liked me!

 

Charming: What’s going on over there?!

 

Rumpelstiltskin: Mmm! Girl, I’ll be back with our son and we’ll pick up where we left off at the end of season 1 before I die.

 

Emma: Only if you bring the outfit.

 

Rumpelstiltskin: If I’d known that this was going to work last year, I’d have done it faster.

Emma: Is that what you tell all the girls?

Rumpelstiltskin: Ooooo! Sassy Emma is back and I can’t wait for the mourning period to be done so we can get back to our epic romance! I don’t mind us both mourning Bae together…

Charming: I DO!

Rumpelstiltskin: I leave you my cane to remember me by! Rumpel out!

Emma: I’m…already sort of missing him.

Charming: WHAT?!

Tamara: This is a HORRIBLE camp out; I don’t feel relaxed at all.

Greg: Omigod, you guys! I got a flame! I got a flame!

Henry: Only took seven hours.

Greg: FROWN!

Tamara: Sweetie, I’m starting to think that this whole ‘blindly trust people we don’t know’ was a bad idea.

Greg: Nonsense! So what if we’re out in the jungle with no communication with anyone? What’s the worst that could happen?

Tamara: Oh good, the tormented are finally here. Now maybe they’ll take us to some decent shelter.

Felix: I said meet in the second clearing to the right of the 7^th banana tree! Not the fifth! We’ve spent hours looking for you!

Felix: Welcome to Felix Land!

Greg: I thought we were in Neverland.

Felix: Yeah….that’s what I said…

Greg: ?

Tamara:So, no posh helicopter then, huh?

Felix: Don’t ask where Pan got the funding together to provide you guys on your merry little adventures. 

Greg: Wait a minute; did you lure us to a magic inhabited jungle to kill us?

Felix: Noooooo

Felix: Okay, maybe a little….

Greg: You can’t do this! I’m the star of the show!

Felix: So you were told.

Greg: *Day is ruined*

Felix: So about you handing over that kid and staying alive for a couple of more minutes….

Tamara: No! Sure we’re outnumbered but I think we can take you all out!

Felix: That’s what all the dead people say!

Greg: Frown infinity!

Tamara: You show him, baby!

Henry: Circulation went out of my hands about three hours ago…

Felix: If I look down then you won’t see the shadow sneaking up behind you.

Greg: What shadow?

Greg: OMIGOD, THAT SMARTS!

*Is dead*

Felix: Rrriipppp

Tamara: Nice knowing you, Henry!

Tamara: *Trips thanks to an arrow in her shoulder*

Felix: Darn. I was going to ask her out…

Henry: *Is running* The use of my hands would’ve been GREAT, Tamara!

Henry: *Trips* Curse my Charming family genes!

Lost Boy: BOO!

Henry: YOU”LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE!

Henry: *Is yanked into a hiding spot* Oh…well okay then.

Henry: Hey Peter Pan.

Obviously Peter Pan: I’m not Peter Pan!

Henry: Sure you’re not, what’s up?

Obviously Peter Pan: I will save us!

Henry: Or lead me right where you want me to go.

Obviously Peter Pan: *Pinches cheeks* Ooo, so cute! Come on, let’s hide!

Henry: Eh, why not? I got no other way to spend my evening.