3x02 "Lost Girl" Part 1

Rumpelstiltskin: Well, I killed like 80 Lost Boys today, time to call it a night

 

*Lights fire with magic* 

 

Rumpelstiltskin: Hm….I’m beginning to think that maybe this is why Archie liked going camping with me….

 

Rumpelstiltskin: GAH! Oh, it’s just my shadow

 

Rumpelstiltskin: *Is making goofy movements with the shadow* 

 

*Waves* 

 

Rumpelstiltskin: Oh frig! It’s not moving! *Is freaked* 

 

Rumpelstiltskin: Well shadow….I never did like you with your following me around all the time. And now you’re not doing what I want you to do…

 

Rumpelstiltskin: I just think it’s time we went our separate ways is all. I mean I get that you’re attached but Emma totally wants me now and I’m going to spend these last few days in Swan related bliss and you can’t be around….

 

*Is cutting his shadow from his life* 

 

Rumpelstiltskin: Oh shadow, don’t be like that! You know cutting you out is hurting me more than it’s hurting you! 

 

Rumpelstiltskin: So weird how our souls are stored in there or something. 

 

Rumpelstiltskin’s Shadow: Freedom! I never have to see you eyeing every woman on earth again! 

 

Rumpelstiltskin: Oh! By the way can you hide this for me?

 

Rumpelstiltskin’s Shadow: On the island where Pan knows everything and every movement? SURE! 

 

Rumpelstiltskin: Shut up, shadow! What do you know!

 

 Charming: *Is humming Indiana Jones*

 

Hook: You’ve been humming that for the past four hours! Can you please stop?!

Regina: Ew! Nature!

 

Regina: I can magic the nature away!

 

Everyone: NO!

 

Regina: Geez, it was just a suggestion! 

 

Regina: Hey Hook. I’ll let you kill Rumpelstiltskin if you distract everyone with your sexiness while I use magic. 

 

Hook: Please! I’m ABOVE that now!

 

Hook: And he’s not even here!

 

Regina: Not using my magic is so TEDIOUS!

Emma: Regina, we let you use your magic to keep us clean and fed, okay?

 

Snow: Drink your water!

 

Emma: But I don’t want-

 

Emma: Fine.

 

Snow: Are you staying hydrated? Are you eating well? Because you look too thin, Emma. What did I tell you about taking care of yourself when we’re off on dangerous missions to beat up magical teenage boys?

 

Snow: And do possibly MORE than maiming them! 

 

 

Snow: I was just a LITTLE too happy about that, wasn’t I?

 

Emma: Just a bit.

 

Snow: *Is sad* How can my daughter embrace the basic knowledge of who I am if she doesn’t want to bond?!

 

Charming: *Is still humming*

 

Hook: BROMANCE HUG!

Charming: NOOOO!

 

Charming: What are you doing, man?!

 

Charming: You’re making me look bad in front of the wife!

 

Hook: You nearly chopped up Dreamshade! 

 

Hook: It’s thorns are poisoned with ink.

 

Hook: Once that stuff gets in your veins, you become the most terrifying thing imaginable….

 

Hook: A writer! 

 

Hook: *Is faking a sob to impress Emma* Also dead too! 

 

Charming: The incredibly poisoned plant that grows in abundance in the middle of the jungle couldn’t have been something you told us about BEFORE we got in here?

 

Hook: *Is annoyed*

Emma: He’s not really good at this whole ‘guide’ thing, is he? 

 

Emma: Hey seriously, could we convert these into weapons or something? You know, like the time you shoved me into a wall to poison Rumpelstiltskin?

Hook: I don’t remember that! 

 

Emma: I do. It sort of hurt. 

 

Hook: I seem to remember us doing a lot of abuse to each other in the timeline span of a couple of weeks in our show. 

 

Emma: Nothing says ‘sudden love interest’ like physical abuse and you working with the enemies that wanted me dead! 

 

Hook: Hey! That’s how Milah and I fell in love!

Emma: Who is Milah?

Hook: Baelfire’s mother!

 

Emma: *Is grossed out*

 

Emma: *Is edging away* 

Hook: What?!

 

Hook: It was three hundred years ago, Emma. I’ve just been on a revenge trip for centuries! 

 

Hook: But I’m totally over her now and single again as of a whole day!

 

Hook: Wanna make out?!

 

Emma: Go hook yourself.

 

Hook: I’m not sure I liked the connotations of that statement! 

 

Hook: It sounded really painful!

 

 

 

Emma: So, that’s sort of far down…

Regina: If I push everyone off at once…could Emma summon her magic before they hit the bottom?!

Hook: I need a drink…oh wait, I grabbed my spyglass instead. 

 

 

Hook: Nope. The Lost Boys aren’t here…I give up. 

 

Charming: Well it WAS 28 years ago and…did we really think Pan would still be hanging out at the camp that Hook knew he was at?

Regina: I told you guys this would be too easy, we’re only on episode 2!

 

 Hook: Well, we might as well make camp so I can cry in my pillow at how ineffective THAT was.

 

Regina: Wait, you brought pillows! 

 

Hook: Yep! And I’m only sharing with one of you ladies!

 

Hook: *Is whispering* Emma! Quick! Volunteer! Regina will hog the whole bed and your mom will want Charming to share too! 

 

Snow: Hey Emma, if we draw a line in the camp and say it’s the ‘good’ side of the camp, do you think Regina and Hook might get offended? 

 

Emma: After that one time I came in on you and dad? I’m sleeping as far away as possible. 

 

Snow: Emma, that’s gross, we wouldn’t do that here. Lost boys are everywhere and Hook would DEFINITELY be filming it. 

 

*Old Scene*

 

Mirror: Don’t drop me! Don’t drop me! I was brought back for the exact purpose of this five second scene and if you drop me, NBC will be PISSED! 

 

Regina: Stupid apple tree for not growing oranges *glares* 

 

Mirror: Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey!

Regina: *Hisses*

 

Regina: I thought we got rid of you!

Mirror: Easy there Total Cleavage Recall, I’m just making a cameo with far better graphics than I have later in this timeline to show you something! 

 

Regina: Wait…what reflective surface are you using? 

 

Mirror: I finally got caught up on my DVRs. This is straight from my TV! 

 

Regina: Curses! I still need to do that as well!

Murphy: My arms are tired! 

 

Regina: Well I guess I’ll just have to glare at them SOME MORE! 

 

Snow: Let’s take back the kingdom!

 

Regina: AHHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Mirror: Actually, they win.

 

Regina: What?!

 

Snow: And so if you don’t join my army and start paying protection costs, I will send my dwarves to mess you up! And trust me; you don’t want Doc knocking on your door!

Doc: Grr!

 

Snow: Now do you all support me?!

 

Audience: Not really, but you’re better than what we already have! 

 

Charming: That’s good enough for us! Start making out your checks for donations! 

 

Snow: Write them up for “Regina’s Army” and make sure to print your name clearly so she’ll see it! 

 

Audience: ….

 

Regina: What’s going on?!

Snow: Oh hey stepmom! What’s up?!

Regina: Which one of you stole my carriage? I can’t believe I had to teleport! You want to know how long it takes teleporting smoke to get out of your clothes?!

 

Charming: No! I’m ineffectual! 

 

Regina: See? I can tie up your boyfriend! Now how about you surrender? 

 

Snow: Big deal, the dwarves do that every time my back is turned.

 

Regina: Uh….

 

Regina: Can they do this?!

 

 

Snow: You just made him look even better to me!

 

Regina: You know what?! FINE! I’ll just beat up some peasants! 

 

Snow: Um okay? You do that all the time!

 

 

Regina: What did you just mentally call me?!

 

Regina: Anyway. I did not kill my best birds to make this get-up to come all the way out here for nothing. So surrender. 

 

Snow: No!

 

Regina: You can live in exile with your man and I’ll never bother you again!

 

Snow: You told me that if I ate the apple then Charming would be free and you were going to kill him as soon as you got back! Why would I believe you?!

Regina: …..

 

Regina: …..

 

Regina: *Absolutely has no idea what to say*

 

 

Charming: I’m sure I could easily get free…

 

Regina: Fine. Whatever. Don’t believe me even though I’m wearing the hairdo of truth.

 

Regina: I’m totally trustworthy!

*Is choking*

 

Snow:  *Flails wildly* I’m gonna git yooouuuu

 

Snow: *Trips* *Screeching brakes*

 

 

Snow: Really?! Straight in the pig pen?!

 

Charming: Honey, I-I think I found someone else! 

 

Regina: You will never be a queen because I am queen, so fight me all you want but you’ll lose!

 

Snow: But…we end up winning….

 

Regina: Why does everyone keep saying that?!

 

Snow: But we do!

 

Regina: I’ll believe it when I catch up on my DVDs! 

 

Regina: Can’t believe Hook wouldn’t let me share his pillow! I’m the queen!

 

Charming: You know what I miss?

Snow: What?

Charming: Tacos.

Snow: NOOOOO Emma is just a few yards away!

Charming: Not those tacos! Real tacos! 

 

Emma: One of us should REALLY be on watch.

 

Felix: Look at them sleeping! All so peaceful!

Pan: SHHH! The blonde can hear us!

Felix: It’s so cute! *Squees* 

 

Emma: Enemies!

 

Emma: EVERYONE WAKE UP! They’re coming!

 

Snow: Emma, it’s just another boar coming to rip apart the camp! Go back to sleep!

Charming: I don’t wanna go to school! Five more minutes! 

 

Emma: Okay seriously, it seems sort of risky that we’re all being vulnerable like this!

 

Emma: Well, I have to go to the bathroom anyway…might as well do it by myself with no one to know where I am! 

 

 Pan: Hey! You can hear the despair of my Lost Boys?!

 

Emma: Mmmmayyybbeee?

 

Pan: *Is annoyed* Well, isn’t that just great?! How can I manipulate you to follow a magical map if you can just follow their wails of anguish?!

 

Pan: FELIX!

Felix: WHAT?!

Pan: TELL EVERYONE TO PIPE DOWN OR I’LL GIVE THEM SOMETHING TO WAIL ABOUT!

Felix: WILL DO! 

 

Emma: You could just let them go? 

 

Pan: Would you stay in their place?! 

 

Pan: *Hopes she’ll say ‘yes’*

 

Emma: What does this tell you?!

 

Pan: That I’m in love!

 

Emma: Yeah? Well get in line, green tights. Cause you got some competition.

 

Pan: Big deal, they’re all scared of me.

 

Emma: What are you? Like fifteen?! 

 

Pan: I can be a good dad for Henry! I just only might want to rip out his heart a little bit! 

 

Emma: That’s not appealing!

 

Pan: I’m beginning to think that this flirting thing might now work out…

 

Emma: And what gave you that idea?! 

 

Pan: Well, I WAS going to say the ‘sword at my throat’ but that’s how Wendy and I used to flirt.

 

Emma: UGH! No!

Pan: You ripped my jacket!

 

Pan: And my priceless heirloom, you trollop!

 

Pan: Do you know how much this would’ve been worth?!

Emma: Well, I’ll take it if you don’t want it. 

 

Pan: Okay, it’s a map to Henry anyway.

 

Pan: Ooooo, wasn’t that a coincidence!?

 

Pan: Say ‘please’ and I’ll give it to you! 

 

 

Emma: *Snatches* 

 

Emma: It’s blank. How is it a blank map but it’s supposed to show his location?! He’s dead, isn’t he? He’s dead! You killed him! Oh my glob, he’s been taken! *Blubbers*

 

Pan: Whoa! This is just meant to make you accept who you are! Chill out! 

 

Emma: Oh. Well…that was embarrassing…

 

Emma: Please tell me ‘Mr. Gold’s darling future wife’ isn’t the answer! 

 

Regina: My back is in knots because YOU wouldn’t share your pillow! 

 

Hook: Well my body’s STILL in knots because YOU shoved me off a cliff! 

 

Emma: Shut up guys! I can’t stare at the map in confusion if you guys are arguing over there!

 

Hook: And we can’t mess with the map either. Pan won’t like that!

 

Regina: *Is scoffy* You’ve dealt with him before! What do you know?!

 

Hook: I know not to sass the guy that knows the best restaurants around here!

 

Emma: Maybe if I squint and tilt my head it’ll shot up. Maybe that’s who I am; half blind and a curious puppy…

 

Regina: Maaggiiicccc! 

 

Regina: *Is ignored* 

 

Charming: Well, I’m going to go get some Neverland donuts while we try to figure this out. 

 

Regina: Maybe if I snatch it real quick, Emma won’t notice….

Emma: MY PRESENT! NOT YOURS! 

 

Regina: Did her voice just change?!

Hook: I don’t want to date her anymore!

 

Charming: What do you mean; date?!

 

Hook: You know; date! Flowers, candy and lots of lewdity

Charming: Nudity?!

Hook: That too!

 

Snow: See Regina, that’s what happens when you push someone too far. I’m just saying. First, her voice will change and then she’ll hulk out and then she’ll rip your head off. 

 

Regina: I thought that was just a myth that your family told around royal campfires! That’s an actual condition. 

 

Charming: No lewdity, nudity, flowers, candy, lasagna tempting, hook temping, or pillow sharing is going to happen with my daughter!

 

Emma: Oh my god, you guys! Shut up! I’m the protagonist and the leader now!

 

Snow: That’s my baby!

 

Emma: *Is embarrassed* Mooom! Geez!