3x02 Part 2

 

Snow: Well, Regina’s broke her word before and will probably break it in the future but I see no reason not to trust that she’s totally telling the truth now.

Charming: Snow! She was going to kill me after you took that apple.

Grumpy: Hm….I like where Regina was going with that…

Charming: I don’t think you mean that Grumpy!

Grumpy: Oh crap, did I say that out loud?

Snow: If only Red was here. She’d know what to do.

Charming: But “I” know what to do! Listen to me!

 

Snow: Shush Charming. I’m sure Regina totally won’t come after the ones I love regardless of what happens.

 

Grumpy: Well, I’m going to keep the rebellion up, anyway. Hope you guys don’t mind but I always wanted to be king.

 

*Did not volunteer to keep the rebellion up.*

 

Charming: Oh God! Please Snow! Reconsider!

 

Snow: Nope! Minds made up! I sense a deer behind me! Someone kill it quickly! I’m hungry!

 

Charming: Snooow, I really want to be king.

Snow: Well I don’t want to be queen. Seriously, you want to know how many royals volunteered to let me into their kingdom? NONE! And then you want to invite them all to our wedding and make alliances with them? And pretend I like their kids?

 

Charming: I don’t care! Leather pants far more leather than these come with the deal! And I can order deaths and stuff! First person on my list? Rumpelstiltskin!

 

Snow: Don’t you dare! He and I used to know each other!

 

Charming: You used to what?!

 

Snow: *Realizes Charming doesn’t know yet* Nothing! Nothing!

 

Snow: I’m going to go beat up that deer now!

 

Charming: Move guys! I want to beat up some deer too!

 

Grumpy: Look Simba, we know you just can’t wait, but you’re not king yet and if you don’t stop harassing Snow then well…you won’t like it when you fall asleep.

 

Charming: Like this?

Grumpy: Don’t push me Charming. That river is only a few feet away.

 

Doc: Grrr!

Charming: *Is genuinely terrified of Doc*

Charming: You can’t tell me what choice to make!

Grumpy: There’s seven of us and one of you and we have pickaxes that break through anything. I think no matter what you oppose us in, we’re going to win.

Charming: You can’t treat me like this! I’m her fiancé!

 

Charming: Right?

Grumpy: As long as we allow it.

*Vows to never sleep after him and Snow have a fight*

 

Grumpy: Well boys! Time for the cookout. Charming’s the cleanup man!

Dwarves: Hooray!

 

Charming: This must be why I’m so whipped.

 

Rumpelstiltskin: Jiminy’s here! And he brought pizza! Oh wait, it’s only you.

 

Charming: I need bromance advice

Charming: …and even though you’re not in the realm of anything near that, you’ll still have to do!

Charming: What do you know…about convincing women to do what you want to do?

Rumpelstiltskin: *Hates him* Why don’t you people ever knock?

Rumpelstiltskin: Dear old dad always did have cheap tastes in toys.

 

Rumpelstiltskin: I could turn it into kindling but…

Rumpelstiltskin: Eh, whatever *Tosses aside*

 

Rumpelstiltskin: Lost Boys aren’t going to mutilate themselves, I guess.

Rumpelstiltskin: Hey! If anyone can hear me, tell Pan I want my favorite breakfast here when I wake up! I’d do it myself but I never make the yolk runny.

 

*Running*

 

Rumpelstiltskin: I didn’t mean REALLY!

 

*Football tackles*

Fake!Belle: Hey Rumpel!

Rumpelstiltskin: Belle?! You work for Pan?!

 

Fake!Belle: Err…..sort of?

 

Rumpelstiltskin: *Gasp*

 

Rumpelstiltskin: You tried to steal my stuff!

 

Fake!Belle: Why not? Everyone else does.

Rumpelstiltskin: But my dad gave me that!

 

Rumpelstiltskin: Um…fake Belle, what are you doing?

Fake!Belle: I wanna have your babies!

 

Rumpelstiltskin: Dear God…if you are actually Pan in disguise….

 

Fake!Belle: Pucker up, Rumpel! Someone’s gonna find this hot!

 

Rumpelstiltskin: Okay I guess.

Rumpelstiltskin: Wow! You smell like that tacky garlic that Pan always eats!

 

Rumpelstiltskin: Seriously! If you’re somehow Pan and he’s related to me.

This is WEIRD! WEIRD! WEIRD!

 

Fake!Belle: No man, it’s totally me! Look; *Ahem* You’re a good man and stuff, Rumpel. I believe it or whatever. Also teacups.

 

Fake!Belle: Nailed it.

 

Rumpelstiltskin: IDON’TBELIEVEYOU!

 

Fake!Belle: HOT!

 

Rumpelstiltskin: Right? Our relationship is so healthy!

 

Rumpelstiltskin: I mean; Belle wouldn’t like this!

 

Fake!Belle: Only because we never took this THIS far!

 

Rumpelstiltskin: Oh. It’s….true what they say about bookworms I guess…

 

Rumpelstiltskin: I swear Charming, if you don’t know how to handle Snow’s moods now, then one day you’ll find out she’s up and run off with a pirate who does.

 

Charming: I need my fiancé to believe that she can kick butt and take names! Will you help me with that?

 

Rumpelstiltskin: She never had a problem with that when “I” was with her.

 

Charming: Hey! What are you saying?!

 

Rumpelstiltskin: You don’t know about your fiancé and me? Your brother would’ve picked up on that.

Rumpelstiltskin: He picked up on a lot of things when I used to babysit him. Except for that one time that guy stood behind him with that spear and….I ended up getting you out of that dead.

 

Charming: You and Snow were friends, right? Please tell me you were friends!

Rumpelstiltskin: Yes, friends.

Rumpelstiltskin: With certain benefits.

Charming: What, like with what you have with Jiminy?

 

Rumpelstiltskin: *Bursts out laughing* You tell Jiminy that! See his lil’ cricket face!

 

Charming: *Is frustrated*

Charming: *Is comparing who was the better backside in the mirror*

 

Charming: You can’t spin until you give me relationship advice!

Rumpelstiltskin: You MUST be joking!

Charming: You have to help me build Snow’s confidence!

 

Rumpelstiltskin: Fine. I’ll get her a better boyfriend.

 

Charming: *Feelings are hurt* You’re not invited to the wedding.

 

Snow: I really wish someone put up Regina’s face on that bag! Maybe I wouldn’t miss!

 

Charming: Oh! Augh! Oh that’s cold! Winter water!

 

Snow: And I just got splashed.

 

Charming: Snow! Guess what I was up to! I’ll tell you! I beat up Rumpelstiltskin until he gave me something that would help us defeat Regina.

 

Snow: What? An army?

 

Charming: While I’m still confused as to where we got one of those, this isn’t that episode!

Snow: Do you mind Charming? I have a target to miss at!

 

*Is pouty*

Charming: Snow, I wasn’t wearing the most comfortable riding pants. I have to go lie down soon.

Charming: So, can we get this show on the road? Because the location of EXCALIBUR is like three days away. I really wanted to sell its location- I mean, it’s really far away.

 

Charming: Also, if you can shoot for crap, how did you live in the woods for so long?

Snow: This is symbolic for my self-confidence!

Charming: Then maybe if you’re missing so bad, you shouldn’t be shooting with eight other people around.

Charming: We could go riding instead!

Charming: Get some take out and camp out under the stars…

 

Snow: My wrist hurts. That deer totally did a number on it when we went hand-to-hand.

Snow: So, first we hunt that deer….and then MAYBE Regina.

Charming: I wanna go now!

 

Charming: We could go dancing!

Emma: Okay, I am…a dragon slayer, a snark addict, a caffeine addict…..

 

Hook: My future girlfriend?

 

Regina: My victim?

Snow: Oh! My daughter!

Charming: The sheriff!

Snow: Henry’s mother!

Emma: Nope guys, none of that’s working. Keep submitting your requests!

 

Emma: *Gulps* Mr. Gold’s darling fiancé?

Regina: Why is that not past tense?!

 

Emma: Curse breaking ninja?

 

Charming: Charmette!

 

Emma: Leather wearer?

 

Hook: When I had to do this, I got what I wanted by saying ‘Hooker’. It was really embarrassing.

 

Regina: Gross, I just got some sap on my jacket.

 

Charming: Try ‘daddy’s little girl’!

 

Emma: Based off how many scenes?!

Regina: Try ‘bane of my existence’!

 

Emma: OO! Good one!

 

Emma: Erm…nope.

 

Charming: Well, if no one’s going to dig into these Neverland Donuts, I guess I’m going to have to while we think of more suggestions.

 

Regina: Don’t you microwave the water for your tea? Try ‘uncivilized heathen’.

 

Emma: Hey! It’s just an alternative to the method everyone else uses!

Regina: Your alternative methods are why this world is in the shape it’s in!

 

Regina: Gimme!

Emma: MOM! Make her give it back!

Snow: Give it back Regina!

Regina: You always take her side!

 

Emma: *Is chasing Regina around the rock*

Hook: *Is enjoying the show*

Charming: Hey! Pan gave that to my baby love!

Emma: *Is embarrassed*

 

Regina: I don’t see her NAME on it!

Charming: Hook! What do you think?

Hook: I’ll give you my opinion after the catfight!

Regina: What does Hook know about trusting Pan? He’s fallen on his head so many times that he has several concussions.

 

Emma: This probably isn’t a good idea Regina

Regina: Nonsense! My ideas are always foolproof!

 

Regina: Now all we have to do is follow it.

 

Hook: That’s not magic carrying it away, Regina. That’s the wind!

 

Hook: Come back, blank map! Come back! *makes grabby hands*

 

Regina: Well Emma, looks like I did your job.

 

Charming: We’re all going to die…

Rumpelstiltskin: Fake Belle, I don’t have time for this. I have important grandson rescuing things to do to impress Emma.

Fake!Belle: You don’t love Emma! Or else she would be here and not me!

Rumpelstiltskin: maybe I summoned you so that I could have both!

 

Fake!Belle: You rascal!

Rumpelstiltskin: I am that!

 

Rumpelstiltskin: Fake Belle, did you get us lost? I knew something was up when I wondered onto Greenscreen Cliffs!

 

Rumpelstiltskin: I mean, I said ‘lets turn left’ but you never listen when we’re driving!

 

Fake!Belle: Juuump!

Rumpelstiltskin: WHAT?!

 

Fake!Belle: - for joy, because I’m here too!

 

Rumpelstiltskin: Oh good, I thought you were trying to get rid of me. Do you know how fast the ratings would drop if I died?

 

Fake!Belle: Then maybe real me could actually get screen time.

 

Rumpelstiltskin: *Sniffles* Belle, you could never replace me!

 

Fake!Belle: Let’s see if the citizens say the same thing once I take over as landlord

 

Rumpelstiltskin: Wait, what are you saying?

 

Fake!Belle: You thought Regina was a tyrannical dictator? You ain't seen nothing yet.

 

Rumpelstiltskin: Belle! You’re finally coming around!

 

Fake!Belle: Come home and we can rule together!

 

Rumpelstiltskin: It’s tempting but…Emma’s here, and you’re not, and no matter how many times I flap my arms, I’m not flying up to that portal!

 

Fake!Belle: Fine! Stay here and wallow in your daddy issues!

Rumpelstiltskin: Emma will be there. It won’t be so bad…

 

Fake!Belle: *Is offended*

Rumpelstiltskin: We eye!sexed on the boat. It was great.

 

Rumpelstiltskin: Where are you going?!

 

Rumpelstiltskin: Eh, maybe if the others were down there, I’d jump and land on Hook but…unfortunately I am not that lucky…

 

Rumpelstiltskin: Now that I think about it, this thing is really creepy…. I should keep it though. Henry might like it-

 

Rumpelstiltskin: OH CRAP!