Once Upon A Time: Abridged: Heart of the Truest Believer Part 2

Emma: Now WHERE did that pirate hide all his booze? He drinks nonstop, it has to be somewhere!

Hook: Oh! Hey! Don’t mind me! I’m just….looking for my lucky leather jacket.

Emma: Stop checking me out!

Hook: I’m not!

Emma: I know that’s all you do!

Hook: Wow, it smells down here.

Emma: Yeah, I figured that was the centuries of sweaty men crashing on those cots.

Hook: Also, I saw the eye sex between you and Rumpelstiltskin and I was wondering if you might have some energy left over.

Emma: You! *Winds up to punch*

Hook: It’s okay, I’ll understand if you’re playing hard to get-

Emma: Oh crap, I just got seasick

Hook: Here, the key to my heart will make you feel better. Oh wait, that’s the Bae cabinet.

Hook: I know I put the key to my heart around here somewhere...

Emma: Is this going to take a while? I think I have to hurl!

Hook: AH! This was his sword. Here take it. The Lost Boys are freaky freakers; they’ll maul you if you don’t arm yourself properly.

Emma: I was sort of hoping any swords you presented to me would be bigger.

Hook: Well, know that no matter what, that sword is NOT in my possession because he didn’t get a chance to grab it to defend himself when the Lost boys came for him and dragged him away when I tipped them off. NOT AT ALL!

Emma: You say the most specific things, Hook.

Emma: Why am I holding this?

Hook: Oh, it’s for me. Having one hand makes pouring things into a shot glass difficult. It usually helps when someone is in the same room with me.

Hook: Bottoms up!

Hook: Okay, hold it again!

Emma: I’m beginning to have little hope for this relationship, Hook.

Baelfire: Zzzzz Emma! Zzzzzz Henry! Zzzzzz Minotaur Dance Party! Zzzzz

Baelfire: TAMARA, STOP SITTING ON THE SIDE OF THE BED AND WATCHING ME SLEEP!

Baelfire: *Is awkward* Oh….hey….what’s up?
Mulan: …..

Baelfire: Answering would be preferable!

Mulan: ….

Aurora: Oh good! We just got back from the hair salon and my hair looks good for the new guy.

Philip: You know, I sort of died on that bed…

Baelfire: GIMME!

Aurora: No! No! A little at a time.

Baelfire: But-

Aurora: And you ask NICELY!

Baelfire: That’s ridiculous, I nearly died! I don’t have time to-

Mulan: ASK NICELY!

Baelfire: Okay! Okay! May I please have some water?

Mulan: Say it like you mean it!

Baelfire: I don’t have time for that! I have to get to Storybrooke and profess my love for Emma before my dad calls dibs again!

Baelfire: And wow, there should be more blood!

Philip: You’d be dead if not for these ladies attempts to miraculously bring people back to life with no explanations!

Aurora: I’m pretty sure your lung collapsed but once we found the duct tape and bicycle air pump, we were fine.

Baelfire: Where did the shoulder straps to your top go? They just disappeared.

Aurora: What are you talking about? They’re there!

Aurora: Wow, those pain killers did a number on you!

Aurora: I. Am. Aurora. I can see into people’s dreams. Maybe if you give slip me a 20, I’ll even invade your kid’s dreams.

Baelfire: Wait…he still dreams about the netherworld?

Aurora: Oh yeah, those dreams don’t go away.

Baelfire: WHAT?!

Aurora: I’ve even seen him a few times. He’s dancing around the flames.

Baelfire: Your shoulder straps are gone again!

Aurora: WHAT are you talking about?

Emma: *Is zoned out*

Hook: And THAT is how eyeliner changed my life.

Emma: What?

Hook: You weren’t listening?!

Hook: *Sniffles* Typical. Just typical!

Charming: Where’s the blinker on this thing?

Snow: *Shoves down* Let me try! Only someone wearing a coat can steer the Jolly Roger! It was in the book!

Charming: But I can help!

Snow: I said I’m driving!

Hook: Who on earth let CHARMING steer!? I left Regina in charge!

Regina: I am BUSY over here!

Hook: Gimme my wheel!

Charming: No! I’m doing fine!

Charming: What’s down there? The ghosts of the crew that disappeared off your ship.

Snow: All these ropes are IN MY WAY!

Emma: *Posing*

Charming: MERMAIDS!

Emma: *Is confused* Like…. ‘Under the Sea, Under the Sea?’

Hook: If you mean ‘drag you down below and let you drown’, then YEAH!

Emma: *Takes several steps backward*

Charming: Why are their tails glowy?

Regina: Well are you guys going to do something or what?

Emma: Hey Hook! What did you do the last time the mermaids attacked your ship?

Hook: I DON”T KNOW!

Charming: RAWR!

Mermaids: Eeek!

Charming: I have no idea how I know how to load a cannon…

Regina: I’m going below; wake me up when we reach land.

Charming: ….but I’m going to look amazing doing it.

*3 Hours Later.*

Snow: I think you’re starting to make a dent, baby!

Hook: Sweet heavens to Betsy, what did Charming do when he was here? I can barely steer at all!

Charming: I GOT ON- what are you doing?!

Snow: Don’t ask! Just hope they don’t grab the net and pull us all under!

Regina: Hey guys! I think I see banana trees on land!

Charming: *Aims cannon* Regina, offer your assistance or so help me!

Regina: Oh, that’s right. I’m supposed to be in a hurry and I have magic, I forgot all about that.

*Is effected*

Snow: Why can’t you have just done that before?!

Regina: Like I friggin care about doing anything useful unless I get more of a reward than I really deserve.

Regina: Oh good, my invisible PDA says I’m allowed to do two decent things today. So I’ll bring the mermaid up for you.

*Splat*

Mermaid: Um….hey…

Emma: EWWWWWWWW!

Hook: Bettie? Is that you?

Bettie: Hook! You bas-

Henry: Hey, Pan, is your location close by or not? I’m tired of running.

Obviously Pan: I’m not Pan!

Obviously Pan: Would I go through all this brouhaha if I just wanted to kidnap you and do nefarious things?

Henry: I come from a family full of those that do all sorts of brouhaha to do nefarious things.

Obviously Pan: *Fumes*

Henry: Seriously Pan, I’m winded. Why can’t you just take me to your location?

Obviously Pan: Because that’s too simple

Henry: I knew it!

Obviously Pan: *Is covering* If I WAS Pan, that is.

Henry: Wow, I hope our relationship isn’t very long and far more exciting.

Obviously Pan: We’re going to have TONS of adventures! Look!

Henry: No thanks, my family told me to never put my hands on anything resembling non-sugar and non-flour white powder.

Obviously Pan: It’s PIXIE DUST!

Henry: Oh, I’m SO SURE it is.

Obviously Pan: Keep making this difficult! See what it gets you!

Henry: Oh, you ain’t seen anything yet. Soon I’m going to run this circus.

Baelfire: So…Aurora’s just okay with her boyfriend standing over her and falling asleep on command while we all watch?

Mulan: Well, some people can cry on command.

Baelfire: I can belch the alphabet on command.

Baelfire: *Hopes she’s impressed*

Mulan: I….didn’t ask.

Baelfire: Hey, wanna hear about my feelings since I fell through the portal for a second time because of someone that was supposed to love me and betrayed me instead?

Mulan: Sure!

Baelfire: Yay! It all started when-

Mulan: Okay, I’m bored.

Baelfire: ….

Mulan: I don’t even HAVE a backstory! What makes you think I want to listen to you share yours?

Baelfire: You could always come with me and we could have backstories together.

Mulan: Baelfire, I believe you’re trying to seduce me!

Baelfire: WHAT?! No!

Aurora: Omigod! I couldn’t find Henry in the netherworld anywhere and he usually is at the palace he built in there where he rules us all with an iron fist!