Once Upon A Time: Abridged: 3x02 Part 3

Emma: Seriously Regina! Stop hitting me with lightning every time I try to touch my own map.

Regina: I have NO idea what you’re talking about. I’m too busy trying to save Henry!

Emma: By the way, how did you change clothes from Storybrooke to the boat?

Regina: Hook has a closet full of some lady’s clothes. I’d have gotten you something but I’m not sure the sexy nun dominatrix gear wouldn’t NOT encourage our leather clad sorry excuse for a guide.

Regina: Oh no! The map is getting too far away!

Charming: I’ll save it!

Charming: Come back here, you map!

Hook: Your father really likes yanking out his sword, doesn’t he?

Emma: The men on this journey are having an alpha-off, WONDERFUL!

Snow: Are you really surprised? That’s what your father does to ALL your sort of boyfriends!

Snow: If it were Rumpelstiltskin, you would be watching a never-ending battle.

Emma: *Mentally moans*

Charming: So, three days of nonstop riding, I can’t feel anything from the waist down!

Snow: No comment, Charming!

Charming: I am going to build your confidence? Rumpelstiltskin told me how!

Snow: How? Did he suggest getting a new boyfriend? Because that would be something he would say.

Charming: Nope! Never said anything of the sort at all.

Charming: He just told me where a certain sword was and told me to make you yank it out!

Snow: Well, I DO like swords!

Charming: And it’s totally Excalibur for real!

Snow: Really?! All the way out here and no one’s tried to find it?!

Charming: Yep! Totally is!

Snow: And I thought they were supposed to be two different swords!

Charming: No! What are you on?! They’re totally the same!

*Makes kissy faces at each other*

Snow: Seriously, how did Excalibur end up out here? Wouldn’t Arthur have found it now? Because otherwise, how would we know about Excalibur or anything BEFORE Arthur pulled it out.

Charming: Uhhhh…..Merlin got drunk one day and shoved the sword back in a rock…f-for reasons!

Snow: I’m beginning to doubt your truth

Charming: What are you yammering about? The story is TOTALLY legit!

Snow: So…Excalibur; the most well-known sword in mythology is just…stuck in a random rock, huh?

Charming: LEGIT SNOW! LEGIT! I’ll show you!

Charming: *Squees and rushes over*

Charming: *Jumps in place to loosen muscles*

Charming: Uuuuggh! I’m straining, Snow!

Charming: URGH! I CAN’T MOVE!

*Three Hours Later*

Charming: I give up! It’s too hard!

Charming: You have to try

Snow: *Is sarcastic* Yeah, because my muscle mass is so superior to yours that I’ll just yank it out in a second.

Charming: Darn it Snow! I paid good money for this! Wait! I mean to say that I scouted long and hard for this!

Snow: *Is annoyed* Whatever, just move!

Snow: This is SUCH nonsense!

Snow: *Yanks so hard she falls backwards*

Charming: Oh my…

Snow: That was easy! Almost…too easy!

Charming: Do you know what this means?!

Snow: That my muscle mass IS superior to yours!

Charming: No…that isn’t it…

Emma: Shouldn’t we just scout the camp instead of just storming it?!

Charming: Emma! Sh!

Regina: All of you move! I can’t save Henry this way!

Hook: Please, I know you don’t want me to move, you’re too busy checking me out!

Regina: I am not!

Hook: You’re always behind me!

Regina: NO idea what you’re talking about!

Regina: I think he digs me!

Charming: Oh, it’s abandoned…that’s not suspicious at all!

Emma: Surrounded by hills…harder to climb out of…now if I didn’t know any better, I’d think we were walking into an ambush

Charming: It is MIIIGHHHTYYYY suspicious….

Emma: Henry! They actually left you alone?! That’s way too good to be true!

Pan: No, you idiots! I can’t believe you fell into this as hard as you did

*Squealing brakes*

Emma: How did you get into his clothes?!

Regina: PLEASE tell me he’s magicked them and poor Henry isn’t hanging out in his Batman underoos somewhere.

Emma: You trapped us!

Pan: I presumably wouldn’t have trapped you if you weren’t such a dirty rotten cheater! This is what you get. Listening to the ONE person who constantly loses what she temporarily gains on this show because of rash behavior.

Hook: Hey! Don’t talk about my girlfriend that way! Both of them!

Regina: Girlfriend?!

Emma: *Is immediately catatonic*

Pan: Girlfriend?! What sort of crazy family love hexagon am I working with?!

Felix: Pick some of them off! It’s the only way!

Pan: A second in command after my own heart, Felix!

Felix: *Mentally squees*

Group: …..

Regina: Well, at least I did something!

Emma: That logic STILL doesn’t work!

Pan: Mmmmm, that’s good ambush!

Hook: Regina! Protect me with your ineffectual fists! Every sharp thing they have is laced with dreamshade and I’m not wearing body armor!

Charming: I am Luke Skywalker! *Deflects arrows*

Charming: Snow! Move your butt!

Charming: *Is cut* Oh my mercy, I’ll never know what a clean bill of health is like again!

Snow: Are you hit?!

Charming: Nope! Just got my jacket!

Regina: Fear my nightlight!

Felix: Hey Captain! I haven’t seen you since the last time we left you sobbing like a little cabin boy!

Hook: Well you might have if you took time out of your busy greeting schedule to come greet us!

Felix: WELCOME TO FELIX LAND, #*($@!

Hook: See? That wasn’t so hard, was it?

Emma: Savior battle powers, activate!

*Tackles Nearest Boy*

Emma: GIMME BACK MY SON!

Sad Lost Boy: What was up with that face?

Emma: Don’t try and change the subject!

Snow: Hey Emma! The Lost Boys have stopped attacking you and me for me to chat with you? Are you okay?

Pan: Okay guys. Emma’s on the verge of a mental breakdown, I think we hit them as hard as they hit us!

Pan: And what was that Felixland stuff? We’re in Neverland.

Felix: That’s what I said!

Pan: Now, maybe this time you’ll actually play right! You know how much I hate cheaters and liars!

Felix: But you lie and cheat!

Pan: Shut up, Felix. When you make the rule book of “The Peter Pan Screws You Over" board game, THEN you can complain.

Emma: *sniffles* My world is coming apart!

Charming: *Is applying first aide to himself* Shoot him in the face, Snow! You’re right there!

Pan: Now accept who you are or I’ll send Felix to REALLY greet you! And you don’t want that!

Emma: I’m not scared!

Regina: Wait…Hook said I was his GIRLFRIEND!

Willy: Everyone get into the storm cellar, the queen is coming!

Fred: Augh, crazy Willy’s at it again.

Charming: Maybe we should’ve cleared out the civilians before we decided to face Regina.

Snow: Oh who cares about them?!

Snow: What’s this written on the side? ‘Dan’s Gag Gifts?”

Charming: I don’t know where that came from

Snow: *Is mentally moaning*

Regina: I Hope you’re happy, I had to get into my ‘Send my stepdaughter to exile’ dress and it’s by far my most tacky outfit! I even had to get my extensions out of the closet.

Regina: But glad to know that I’m still better looking than you.

Regina: Hey Snow, you clear the mud out of your nostrils? Did Charming see to his physician about that rope burn in his mouth?

Snow: If I give you my sword, could you just throw it at her….

Charming: Maybe later. My arms are tired.

Snow: So…due to your tacky track record of word keeping thus far, I have decided to decline your exile offer.

Snow: Also, I’m going to defeat you.

Regina: If you’re as boring a queen as you are a speechmaker then I will wait until they beg me back.

Snow: You know what I’m NOT going to do? Kill them indiscriminately.

Snow: I’ll just…let you out to do it after we capture you…

Regina: CAPTURE ME?! What sort of fantasy are you on about? I’m totally going to kick your backsides! If there’s anything I’m an expert at, its war or something…

Grumpy: Hey! What are you doing?!

Sneezy: I’ll hold him down for you, Regina!

Snow: I have to save him!

Charming: Wait a bit! Grumpy’s always pushing me around!

Charming: We have to have a solid plan because she can teleport-

Snow: LEEEROOOOOYY JENKINS!

Regina: I’m still in sword striking distance!

Snow: *Is feeling a bit bloodlusty* HIYA!

Charming: Grumpy! I’m not doing all the heavy pulling to get you up!

Regina: LaGASP, I got cut?

Snow: Yeah idiot, that’s what happens when you teleport like RIGHT behind me!

Snow: Tying up Charming just made me doubt myself but you crossed a line when you beat up Grumpy and I will have my vengeance!

Regina: I could use magic to kill you right here but I HAVE TO FIX MY FACE!

Snow: Well when you take it to the shop, purchase an upgrade that isn’t the one you have now because you’ll never live safe when when I’m done with you!