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Monday, September 29, 2014

Save Henry Part 1

Rumpelstiltskin: Where are my guards?!

Regina: I’m sure I killed them.

Rumpelstiltskin: So you cast the curse, the curse goes rushing out and you stop to have a chat with me before you try to rush ahead of it? Slowest. Curse. Ever.

Regina: Sort of like Charming’s brain!

Rumpelstiltskin: Personal space there Regina…

Regina: I’m going to have everything I want!

Rumpelstiltskin: Except your father, WHOOPS!

Regina: Yeah…that grief lasted for like 5 minutes….I’m sympathetic!

Rumpelstiltskin: I should back away in case you start believing I might be your dad….

Regina: Wh- why?

Rumpelstiltskin: Oh no reason that has anything to do with how I Might’ve known your mom in more than just the formal way back in the day…

Rumpelstiltskin: We totally dated, yo!

Regina: I just made myself forget that because my brain would melt otherwise, what are we talking about?

Regina: Oh yes! Me winning!

Rumpelstiltskin: Until Emma swoops in and kicks your ass!

Regina: What? That can’t be right!

Rumpelstiltskin: Is your attention span this much? I already told you this!

Rumpelstiltskin: Attention span of a goldfish, you’ve got!

Regina: Ugh, all I heard was ‘baby’ and threw up in my mouth.

Regina: And then you started talking more and I got bored.

Rumpelstiltskin: And I thought getting you to cast this curse might be hard…

Regina: Guess I’m going to have to be sympathetic and kill a baby!

Rumpelstiltskin: Wow….you’re…saying that….

Rumpelstiltskin: How about that hole in your heart that can never be filled that gets retconned all the hell?

Rumpelstiltskin: HMMMMMMM?

Regina: Show rules don’t apply to me!

Rumpelstiltskin: I know you might be a special snowflake but you still have rules you need to follow, okay?

Regina: I do not! *Stomps foot*

Rumpelstiltskin: Do too! Do too! *Sticks tongue out*

Regina: You just want a deal to be let out!

Rumpelstiltskin: Woman, I have a horde of fangirls waiting to spring me! I’m right where I want to be!

Rumpelstiltskin: But do you think you could get me a chamber pot? They won’t let me have that OR a bed!...or conjugal visits from my 18 fianc├ęs…

Regina: *Doesn’t want to imagine conjugal visits*

Regina: *Imagined it*

Regina: Wait, you’re being creepy! Why do I go to Snow and then wake up thinking this curse was my own idea and a good one? *Immediately forgets* Wait, what are we talking about? I’m so confused….

*Don’t know why he might be dead, don’t ask me*

Regina: Hold on! I know CPR!
Emma: Regina! Since you apparently have true love for our son, split your heart in two since mine can’t be extracted and stick it in
Baelfire: What?!
Emma: IT’s a thing that happens later!
Baelfire: The true love thing or the heart splitting thing!?
Emma: Both?
Baelfire: …..
 Baelfire: WHAT?!

Pan: Hahahaha, I’m evil!

*Is being ignored*
Pan: Hey….hey, didn’t you hear me? I’m evil!
*Is still being ignored*

Pan: Fine, whatever, I’ll just take my dad and go! *tosses box from one hand to another*
*Itty bitty Rumple is being smacked around*

Emma: You fiend!

Baelfire: Um…Emma…that won’t work…Emma, you should know that…Emma! *Is so embarrassed*

*Itty bitty Rumple is screaming curses*
Pan: Geez, did he kiss his mother with that mouth?

Emma: Grr!

Pan: Did he kiss YOU with that mouth?

Emma: GRR!

Pan: Hahahaha! I’m evil! *Flies away* I’ll kill you next time!

Emma: That felt anticlimactic….YEAH YOU BETTER RUN!

Regina: Another round of electroshock therapy for Belle…how tedious…

Archie: Electro-what?

Regina: I keep forgetting I say things out loud…

Archie: Maybe this is why you don’t have many friends…
Regina: I guess I feel incomplete….

Regina: Or something…

Regina: Fix me. Or entertain me with your comedy routine.


Regina: Well? I’m waiting!

Regina: *expects to be healed then and there*

Archie: I could never be a comedian! I don’t have the bravery to talk to large audiences! So I guess I ‘ll just help you…career driven women sometimes don’t have time for families and feel incomplete…I think…I don’t know, I’ve never been one so I can’t speak for personal experiences…

Archie: Anyway, how’s your love life?

Regina: He doesn’t try to resist me anymore, I’m bored.

Archie: *Is worried*

Regina: Well…new boyfriend won’t work, guess that ruins everything. I was pretty happy until that stupid Owen kid came and ruined everything and I had to kill his father.

Archie: Uh….

Archie: ….

Regina: What?

Regina: Doctor Patient confidentiality still applies when talking about brutal murders, right?

Archie: Well, if you felt that cold heart of yours thaw near a kid, maybe you should get one!

Regina: I’m totally for that! They’re like puppies, right? Just go in and pay for one?

Archie: I don’t…I don’t think so…

Archie: What have I done?


Archie: Maybe I should’ve just suggested a puppy…

Mr. Gold: So bored, I can’t believe Archie cancelled bowling citing emotional trauma…

Regina: Gold, I want to have a baby and I want you to drop everything and make it happen.

Mr. Gold: *Heard ‘throw me on the counter and make a woman out of me’* Okay, but I don’t do sharesies with the sheriff.

Regina: Uggggh, that’s not what I meant! Pervert.

Mr. Gold: You’re missing out but whatever. I’m a catch…

Regina: I want to adopt a baby and I want it now! Make it happen!

Mr. Gold: You didn’t really put much thought into this, have you? I mean you’re wearing the same clothes and everything…

Regina: How hard can motherhood be? My mom did it and I turned out fine!

*IS failing to keep from laughing*

Regina: *Is super offended*

Mr. Gold: Sure…you and adoption….I’ll get right on that….

Regina: You better, or I’ll paint your house a normal color!

Mr. Gold: Listen, I can’t summon a baby out of thin air, okay? You have to be on a waiting list.

Regina: The rules don’t apply to me!

*breezes out*

Mr. Gold: Finally, thought she’d never leave. Now I can play with my Mickey Mouse phone some more…

Mr. Gold: Now I know why Archie felt traumatized….

Mr. Gold: Poor Archie…I should bring him cupcakes…

Regina: Well, that went about as well as can be expected…

Emma: well, you know this island better than anyone! Time to get cracking!

Baelfire: I um…I don’t know where Pan might be for some reason…

Baelfire: I spent two hundred years here…sort of never paid attention….

Regina: Boy, are you two dumb!

Regina: My son! My son! My son!

Emma: See, when I say that bull crap the internet throws a fit but when you say it, it’s okay?

Regina: Well YOU have your parents and Hook and Bae and he’s all I have!

Emma: And whose fault is that Regina? You’re bringing up my potential happiness now? Like that can replace my kid? I seem to remember a season 1 finale where I didn’t have anything but him either. You remember that?

Regina: No!

Regina: I choose to forget what I don’t like to remember! Like you being the protagonist in this show!

Baelfire: How come I never noticed this place before?

Emma: Hey, our kid is dying while you’re feeling sorry for yourself so shape up or ship out; we have to save his life.

Regina: *Whines*

Emma: You’re not the only one getting affected by this. Let’s go beat up some Lost Boys…

Baelfire: What happens if we knock that hour glass over?

Emma: For God’s sakes, Neal!
Baelfire: At least I HAVE ideas!

Emma: No! We’re going to wander around the jungle some more! Totally the way to go!

Regina: Um…Emma…*Is worried she’ll be decapitated* What are you doing?

Emma: I’m not going to kill you! The heart that’s supposed to make Pan super invulnerable made him vulnerable for a short time!

Regina: What.

Regina: I can’t believe you guys made me carry him. My back is tired! And who put this mattress down?

Snow: White sheets too, Emma!
Emma: I wanted him to be comfortable! I’m sorry!
 Charming: Well, there’s only one thing for it…depend on Rumple! Just like we always do!

Charming: Maybe…yeah, where is he?

Baelfire: *feels awkward* Pan shoved him in a little box…
Charming: That must’ve been a tight fit!

Regina: Henry! Henry speak to me!

Baelfire: Well, shoving over the hour glass didn’t work! Anyone one else got any ideas?

Hook: Grr, my time to shine!

Hook: We have some Lost Boys to get your anger out on Emma. I thought you might like that!

Regina: MINE!
Emma: Oh God…
Regina: I forgot they were there until a second ago!

Regina: *Dark Knight Voice* WHERE ARE THEY?!

Felix: What are you asking me for? I’m not the leader. I wasn’t here last episode! I don’t know what happened!

Snow: Charming, stop her.
Charming: I don’t want to…

Regina: I’ll rip your heart out if you don’t tell me!

Emma: Hey! I’m suddenly against you doing that!
Regina: You were fine last time!
Emma: Only for delivering messages that didn’t amount to anything!

Emma: I was lost once too! But not…held captive for centuries and essentially brainwashed by a manipulative man child so…this is going to go fifty-fifty in terms of working…

Regina: Can I rip hearts out if it doesn’t work?

Emma: NO!

Regina: *Whines*

Mr. Gold: Playing chess with myself is the only satisfaction I get…

Mr. Gold: Do you have to come in here and scream that EVERY. DAY?

Mr. Gold: My ears aren’t what they used to be!

Regina: Is he here? Is he here?

Mr. Gold: The last family fell through…mostly because I put out a hit on them…so I happened to make a donation to the social worker who handles this thing and they moved you up to the top…

Mr. Gold: I expect to be reimburse for my payment to the hitman by the way.

Regina: I’m going to be a mother and you can’t stop me!

Mr. Gold: I wasn’t…aiming to…
Regina: *Squees*

Regina:  Here’s an envelope….good thing they didn’t check my credentials…

Mr. Gold: But here he is…

Regina: MINE!

Mr. Gold: Wait…where’s my reimbursement?

Regina: “Welcome to Storybrooke” hinted that I couldn’t leave town when I put my hand out and there was a barrier there…Oh well, too bad the hints that Mr. Gold got this baby illegally also didn’t pan out either.

Adoption Agent: Well, these references look good and you’re a mayor!

Regina: Tee hee! They’d never recommend me if they knew who I truly was!

Adoption Agent: This will consist of several interviews and home visits you know…just in case you’re actually a power hungry abusive tyrant.

Adoption Agent: Can’t be too careful these days.

Regina: Look, the town’s so invisible, it’s not like you’d be able to see it, is there any way you can just…hand him over?

Regina: The way real adoptions work?

Regina: *Is knowledgeable about such things*

Adoption Agent: That’s not how this works…

Regina: I could rip your heart out and make your life miserable!

Regina: Seriously, my sheriff is in my pocket, I could find a way to send him out and destroy you!

Adoption Agent: Oh…

Regina: I’ll totally be a good mother!

Adoption Agent: You also realize…home visits will be required afterwards to make sure the child is okay, right?

Regina: Ugh, just get this over with so I can take him and you’ll never see him again!

Adoption Agent: Well, I see no reason why we have to check back up on these references, or do interviews and home visits like an actual agency would have! He’s all yours!

Regina: Did Mr. Gold steal a baby and pay you guys to masquerade as adoption agents? Because there’s no way it’s this easy!

Adoption Agent: Yes. He. Did.

Regina: That Mr. Gold!

Adoption Agent: He’s a character!

Regina: *Is a bit worried now*


Henry: Get me out of here! I can smell her evil stench across the parking lot! *Comes out in baby fusses instead of words*

Regina; Aww! He’s talking like he likes me already!
Grandmother: But this isn’t your baby! I’m just showing this agent how happy we are since my daughter adopted him! Please give him back! He’s ours!

Regina: Not anymore!

Regina: I’m a mother!

Henry: *Spits up*

Regina: Ew gross…what…I’m not a mother! What do I do?

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