Think Happy Thoughts Part 1

 

Malcom: Let’s play a nice game called “Follow the Lady!”

 

Customer: Oh, my eyes are following that redhead right there….

 

Rumpelstiltskin: This sounds like how my dad met my mom until she agreed to date him….

 

Rumpelstiltskin: Whoever she is…

Malcom: Doop de doop…

 

Customer: It’s in your sleeve, isn’t it?”

 

Malcom: ….

 

Malcom: The middle one it is! Whoops you’re wrong.

 

Malcom: That’ll be a thousand bucks…

 

Customer: Hey!

Malcom: Who put that there?

 

Rumpelstiltskin: Hey, don’t mess up his face! That’s the way we get all the good hotel rooms!

Customer: Ehhh…..

 

Rumpelstiltskin: *Struggling with the puppy eyes*

 

Malcom: I can’t feel my larynx!

Rumpelstiltskin: I’m not sure you’re supposed to feel that anyway, dad.

Malcom: Oh good, then I’m fine.

 

Malcom: Darn it Rumple, if you’d just taken the card like I told you, we wouldn’t have this problem.

 

Rumpelstiltskin: And then the last guy that searched me and realized I had it dropkicked me across the tavern. I don’t want to repeat that mess again.

 

Malcom: Better you than me, pipsqueak

 

Rumpelstiltskin: *Puppy eyes*

 

Malcom: Oh stop it, those will never catch on.

 

Rumpelstiltskin: I wish my dad was a real person….

 

Wendy: Ugh, still dying!

 

Henry: Was it a good idea to bring her out into the elements to continue fake dying in front of me?

 

Pan: Yes…for I am a doctor!

 

Henry: I don’t buy anything you say.

 

Wendy: GLRGLE!

 

Pan: *stares at longingly* But you must! For I need you!

 

Henry: *Doesn’t care*

 

Henry: I’m only handing over my heart because I’m bored.

 

Pan: I’m pretty sure that you have to be the truest believer…

Henry: I truly believe I’m bored.

 

Pan: That’s close enough for me. Let’s get supplies.

 

Henry: I can’t believe you took me to Skull Rock and then came back to move Wendy just to go to the rock again…I thought we were low on time here.

 

Pan: DO not question my genius!

Henry: I’ve been questioning it since I got here.

 

Lost Boy: DEATH!

Lost Boy: AMERICA!

Lost Boy: I JUST WANT MY HEART BACK!

 

Pan: Alright everyone. We’re going to Skull Rock and we need you to back us up! Slaughter every loved ones and family members you see!

 

Henry: Pan is a very shady man…

 

 *Toothy gleam*

 

Regina: You know, we should probably put that somewhere safe instead of out in the open in the flat of your palm where any shadow can snag it…

Rumpelstiltskin: I keep trying to give you the slip and you s till follow me

 

Regina: Or give it to your shadow until you’re ready to use it. Would be effective…

Rumpelstiltskin: What would be effective is you zipping it.

 

Regina: Wow. Rude. And I’m the shining beacon of etiquette to you and everyone.

Rumpelstiltskin: *Trips over himself*

 

Regina: *Scampers along*

Rumpelstiltskin: *Hates life*

 

Rumpelstiltskin: This is the worst half season ever. The only people I’ve interacted with are my abusive dad, my abusive dad’s favorite son bestie, my abusive dad’s bestie shadow of my nightmare, and you.

 

Regina: Life’s looking up for you since I got here, huh?

Rumpelstiltskin: *Flinches*

 

Rumpelstiltskin: Don’t you have somewhere to be?

 

Regina: No! The Charmings all ganged up on me and threw me out!

 

Regina: And Hook didn’t even defend me!

 

Rumpelstiltskin: *Slow claps* I almost believed it.

 

Rumpelstiltskin: Now…onwards…I can’t see you from that angle so try to stay that way…

Regina: ….

 

Regina: Are we there yet?

Rumpelstiltskin: Why couldn’t CHARMING have broken off from the group? ....What am I saying? 

 

Malcom: I found a lovely pair of ladies that’ll care for you forever.

Rumpelstiltskin: For what?

 

Malcom: FOREVER, Rumple. Are you deaf?

 

Spinster 1: Oh look, we need a third fate!

Spinster 2: My callouses are killing me, his hands look like they’ll be good massagers…

 

Rumpelstiltskin: ….

Malcom: Now you just stay here. I won’t be long. Just long enough to never come back.

 

Spinster 1: You are scrawny for your age…bit of a wimp…

 

Rumpelstiltskin: I do NOT want to be here! They’ll pinch my cheeks, talk about the old days, and listen to talk radio!

 

Rumpelstiltskin: And their stories! I don’t want to be here when they watch their stories!

 

Malcom: Please just do what I say for once in your life.

 

Rumpelstiltskin: I LOVE YOU DON’T EVER ABANODN ME!

Malcom: Oh, please stop, you’re embarrassing me…

 

Malcom: *Is trying to pry him off*

 

Malcom: Do you guys have a crowbar I can use?

 

Malcom: Here have a toy.

Rumpelstiltskin: Ooo!

 

Rumpelstiltskin: That’s nice, but I asked for a Gameboy.

Malcom: Well you can play games with this boy.

 

Malcom: Now say hi to your new moms!

 

Malcom: Or aunties…I’m…I’m not sure what they’ll refer to themselves as to you yet…

 

Rumpelstiltskin: Can’t I just watch you get dru-

Malcom: SEE YA!

Rumpelstiltskin: Oh….

 

Rumpelstiltskin: I can’t believe I married a woman version of my dad…

 

Tinkerbelle: Keep up!

Hook: My blisters have blisters…

 

Charming: And that right there….that’s where we’ll build our third beach home.

Snow: Oh Charming, you think of everything!

 

  Emma: Whoooooa, you’re staying now?

Snow: Yeah…didn’t you know?

 

Emma: No?

Snow: Surprise!

 

Emma: I thought you wanted us all to stay together, I thought you idn’t want to leave me and now you’re making these decisions without talking to me about it first?

Snow: Yeah…but I always wanted a jungle home…

 

Snow: You guys can stay!

 Emma: I don’t think I want to keep my son in the environment that traumatized him. Thank you. Besides, what happens if Pan takes you hostage and says he’ll kill you guys if I don’t hand over Pan?

 

Snow: *gasps* Yeah, I’m still staying!

 

Snow: He can’t even build a treehouse Emma, who will take care of him if not me?

 

Emma: But everyone can build a treehouse!

Snow: I know. Pathetic, huh?

 

Hook: Can you guys stop having a character moment! We’re about to skewer someone!

 

Tinkerbelle: SWORDS!

Baelfire: COCONUT!

 

Regina: Ugh, what sort of nature is even this

 

Emma: Never mind, it’s only Regina.

*Everyone groans*

 

Regina: Oh, wandering around I see.

Rumpelstiltskin: *Slides out and looks dashing*

 

Rumpelstiltskin: Hiiiiiii Emma *Sad shuffle* “I have the box to save your son.

Regina: That I got! Squee!

 

Rumpelstiltskin: *Growls* No you didn’t! Now shut up Regina!

 

Baelfire: He wants to kill our son!

 

Emma: What? I didn’t hear you, he’s all dressed in leather

Baelfire: *SSSIGGGHSSSS*

 

Baelfire: HE TRIED TO KILL HENRY

 

Rumpelstiltskin: Like five days ago!

 

Emma: I see my reflection…

 

Rumpelstiltskin: Are you still holding this against me? Geez, Bae. I thought your lot forgave family murder all the time!

 

Baelfire: What sort of messed up values do you guys portray!?

 

*Are all awkward*

Snow: Um…Cora died and it’s my fault?

 

Rumpelstiltskin: Look, it was a season ago and….sorry?

 

Regina: You wanted ot kill my innocent son! Your grandson!

 

Rumpelstiltskin: Are you on a highest horse in all the worlds! Didn’t you try to have your infant stepgranddaughter killed!

 

Emma: What?! You tried to kill Henry! You’re not trustworthy!

Baelfire: Geez Emma, you’re slow.

 

Snow: I’ve wanted to do this for a long time.

 

Charming: All the fan girls are mine now!

 

Hook: I just hate your fashion choices!

Tinkerbelle: We never met…

 

Regina: What sort of person murders family! You sicken me!

 

Rumpelstiltskin: Says the woman that orphaned herself. OHHHHHH!

 

Emma: *Sniffles* I don’t trust you.

 

Rumpelstiltskin: *Is hurt* Oh Emma, don’t be l ike that….I just forgot he was my stepson possibility for a few episodes! No, don’t cry! Oh now I really feel bad…hey Bae, didn’t you keep Henry? How'd that go?