We're just running a test

Thursday, September 25, 2014

Think Happy Thoughts Part 4

Malcom: Tree branches!

Rumpelstiltskin: Papa, I thought you were dead!
Malcom: *Wipes nose on*

Malcom: Hey, if I get my way, I’ll never die.

Malcom: Basically, in order for me to look sexy and fresh, I have to give you away

Rumpelstiltskin: For frig’s sake, papa, you say that EVERY day
Malcom: Yeah but I mean it this time!

Rumpelstiltskin: Well maybe I’ll mean it when I say that I know where you sleep and I can make you very sorry.

Malcom: *IS worried* You wouldn’t!

Rumpelstiltskin: Try me. Have you seen what I go through? I might as well start my reign of terror now.

Malcom: *Has no idea how to handle this*

Rumpelstiltskin: I’m going to take my savings and go build a house on the other side of the island and it’ll be grander than yours!

Malcom: Then I’ll move in when you’re gone! Because I realized that if I get rid of you, I can forget about you and be young again! I was never meant to grow old! I’m going to relive my childhood and never grow up!

Rumpelstiltskin: Yeah, we all want to run off and join the circus at some point but eventually some of us realize that we’re too freaky for even them to take.

Shadow: I don’t even WANT to have- FINE!

Shadow: I’LL ask the questions, here!

Malcom: So we sat down and talked everything out during tea time….which is something we’ll never see even though the shadow doesn’t seem like the type to negotiate about me not belonging here….you’ll be FINE. I’m sure you’ll just grow up to believe I tried to abandon you instead of actually abandoning you.

Malcom: Let go! This is vintage!

Rumpelstiltskin: Oh sweet mother of Earthbound! What is that?!

Malcom: Show some respect! His name is Frank!

Rumpelstiltskin: Happy place! Happy place! Happy place!

Malcom: So long kiddo; hope I’m not the happiest time in your life because that’ll be really unfortunate…

Shadow: Take a look!
Rumpelstiltskin: I don’t wanna!
Shadow: You have to look! Otherwise things will be awkward later!

Pan: Hello laddie!

Rumpelstiltskin: Who the frig are you?!

Pan: I- uh…didn’t you see me transform?

Rumpelstiltskin: Papa? Uh…no?

Pan:  How typical, you fail even at that. 

*Sad puppy* 


Pan: My raging allergies! I forgot I had these this young!

Pan: Is this what I’m wearing?

Pan: Mmmm, those were some good times….

Pan: Ugh, I can feel his old man odor from here….

Rumpelstiltskin: What is this place, is it bigger on the inside than the outside?

Pan: Reminds me of you when you were a kid and I had to feed you.

Rumpelstiltskin: Reminds ME of you when you drank and I wondered where it all went.

Pan: You’re still fussy about all that? I got over abandoning you EONS ago!

Pan: Can you wrap this up? I have a very important heart grab to do…

Rumpelstiltskin: Yeah so…putting a heart in someone else’s body doesn’t work…the people in question might have been dead but we’ve seen it before…

Pan: But heart of the truest believer! And magic!

Rumpelstiltskin: And you’re putting an eleven year old’s heart in an eighteen year old’s body…medically that can cause some problems, dad…

Pan: No! Heart of the truest believer! And Magic!

Rumpelstiltskin: We’re eight episodes in and we’re already starting to violate our own rules…it’s going to be a long season

Pan: Just give me the box!

Rumpelstiltskin: Sure. Let me give you a tour. You go ahead and go on in; I have a phone call I need to make…

Rumpelstiltskin: Though I have to warn you, the electricity’s faulty and it’s a bit cramped, but hey, you’ll find the solitude and eternal youth that you get so excited about….

Pan: *Doesn’t think he’s very funny*

*Goes to pout*
Rumpelstiltskin: Oh dad, come on! Can’t you take a joke!?

Pan: The joke was that I still couldn’t forget about you! Because you and your family kept popping up!

Pan: And then you left your stupid doll, I always told you to pick up your toys. I thought….hey…you know what would be fun? Pie eating contests! And….taking my son’s doll’s name for myself…Which really does sort of negate my idea to forget everything about you so I could be a kid again….a child can’t have a child…

Rumpelstiltskin: Have you MET some people?

Rumpelstiltskin: You sort of already WERE in that position, I’m just saying.

*Is insulted*

Rumpelstiltskin: Time to move into your new home!

Pan: GIMME! I promise to give it back!

Rumpelstiltskin: No! That would defeat the whole purpose of shoving you in here and saving the day and being good!

Pan: For your girlfriend?

Rumpelstiltskin: For everybody!

Pan: Problem?

Rumpelstiltskin: This usually works…

Pan: Performance issues, nothing to be ashamed of. Everyone has them…well…except me, because I have the superior product….

Rumpelstiltskin: What?!

Pan: I just believed I had the real thing and you had a copy! How cool is that?!

Pan: Also this is really heavy. How many people do you have in here?

Rumpelstiltskin: Not as much as I would like really…

Rumpelstiltskin: HEY, YOU DISTRACTED ME!

Pan: Gooood, let the mist eat you alive!

*Hears a little bitty Rumple knocking on the wall*

Pan: Mmmmm, that’s good child abuse!

Rumpelstiltskin: DAD’S TERRIBLE…. What a lovely door knocker…

Spinster: Who is it now?
Spinster 2: We don’t get this much traffic until National Spinster day and that’s only because we guilt everyone to come over…

Rumpelstiltskin: My dad abandoned me!

Rumpelstiltskin: Also the shadow dropped me off at the wrong place and I had to walk fifteen miles!

Spinster 1: Just have been a male shadow…sense of direction and all that.

Rumpelstiltskin: Did you guys prepare this bed for me?

Spinster:  Well…we sort of knew that this might happen…very high probability in fact…but you just get cuddled into bed, this is a time for naps. This used to be where our sister slept.

Rumpelstiltskin: Oh, that’s nice.l

Spinster 2: You know she died in that bed!

Spinster 2: Sweet thing…
Spinster: We should probably take this scarf off before you hurt yourself…

Rumpelstiltskin: And the stupid shadow stole fifteen dollars and my doll.

Spinster: *Really doesn’t believe the tale about a flying shadow* Sure it did, Rumple…sure it did….

Pan: *Sigh* At least I have some wood for the fire…



Pan: Oh hey, there’s the Lost crew…

Pan: And there’s Tom Hanks the Castaway….

Pan: I can’t wait to go pay a visit to the Gilligan crew but first I have to check out this sunk of sweet rock…

Pan: Lucy, I’m HOME!

Not!Lucy: *Seductive* I’ve been waiting for you!

Pan: The heck is that hourglass?

Shadow: The time we have to wait till the next season of Sherlock!

Pan: What?! That long?
Shadow: And it’s still not absolute!

Pan: Geez, what’s it going to take to speed things up?
Shadow: Ripping out the hearts of children!

Pan: I really don’t know how to do that…
Shadow: I’m sure you’ll figure it out…

Pan: Why can’t I just…believe the heart of the truest believer is in my hand?

Shadow: Shut up! That’s not how it works!
Pan: Why can’t I believe the Truest believer is here with me now? I eventually figure out what he’s supposed to look like…

Shadow: I said that’s not how it works! It goes against the rules! You can’t bring back the dead, you can’t make anyone fall in love with you, you can’t wish for multiple wishes, and you can’t wish for the heart of the truest believer to pop up in your hand! That’s the basic laws of magic!

Pan: Well maybe you can find him for me!

Shadow: I don’t even WORK for you!

Pan: you do now; Frank…you do now…

Shadow: *Wonders if he can shove him in that glass*

Henry: Hey, what’s going on? I was in the bathroom.
Pan: Eh, I have a new soccer ball
*Itty bitty Rumple bangs on the wall and cries*


Pan: I should probably throw it in the ocean but…eh, I don’t pollute!

Pan: Are we ready to get this done?

Henry: I was ready HOURS ago! You were the problem!

Pan: “I” wanted to make this special!

Henry: My God, you realize that you villains could get a lot done if you didn’t just drag everything out?

Henry: I was always quick about getting everything done. And the only reason Regina’s not dead is a lot of luck on her part!

Pan: We do things different!

Henry: Not when I have control! I’ll rule the universe in about five years. I have a plan.

Pan: Then why don’t you do something about it to show that you’re capable?

Pan: Embrace the power of the eyebrow

Henry: I would if you shut up; this takes a lot of concentration!

Pan: I wouldn’t know, I never figured out how to do it…in hindsight, maybe I should know….

Henry: I’m still not entirely confidant this will work. I mean you have your heart intact and everything…

Pan: It’s fine! Mine’s so shriveled up and black that there’s more than enough room!

Pan: Look, let’s get this going. It may look like I have a lot of time but all that sand on top but it’s only a few seconds!

Henry: Here we go….I hope this doesn’t ruin my new shirt


Regina: Finally, we’re here!
Baelfire: MY SON IS HOLDING A HUMAN HEART! *Flails around and is horrified that his son’s serial killer dreams are coming true*
Emma: Henry! You put that thing back where it came from or so help me….

Pan: Oh…now I see what he meant about the peril of dragging this out…

Henry: Hey guys, what’s up?

Baelfire: Pan is evil! I should know, I was with him for 200 years!

Pan: Two hundred glorious years in which you got your own cave with a view and a body pillow!

Regina: Henry

Pan: Oh hey, there’s the mother that tried to kill your other mom and all your family….

Emma: Okay, that might be true but don’t listen to Pan!

Pan: You guys just spent 8 episodes wandering around?! Where’s my beloved stepdad?

Emma: He’s not here?! *Imagines all sorts of torture he might be going through*
Baelfire: If he pulls the ‘adults are liars’ thing, remember that unlike the two to my right, I have never abandoned you or lied to you, so Pan’s logic makes no sense!

Henry: But I can take over this place and be taller and older and eyebrow power!

Regina: He’s lying to you…you should know this! Your entire family is made up of liars, manipulators, and…okay maybe just two of us and the rest are boring, but you should listen to the family that came for you…

Regina: I mean look at this guy, he already knew that we were here and you knew that we were here and he never told you…and then there was that whole first meeting where he fooled you by lying about who he was, which you’ve apparently forgotten about, and had his lost boys stare at you all creepily….

Baelfire: And Wendy’s totally alive and whatever you think might be wrong with her can be healed by the wave of an arm just like EVERYTHING ELSE ON THIS SHOW.

Henry: They’re making a good case, dude. What do you have to say?

Pan: With your gene pool on your father’s side, that might be the tallest you’ll ever get. Do you want that?

Henry: Aw, he’s making a good case, guys.

Pan: I believe you’ll make the right decision! Which will be what I tell you to do…

Emma: Regina now would be a good time to use magic and teleport him away from our son…

Pan: Silence your logic! I’m trying to make my case; you guys don’t get to interfere on this part!

Pan: You could have as many fan girls as your grandfather in this body!

Henry: I really love fan girls. I’m in!


Pan: Oh, my bad, that was gas from all the excitement…

Tinkerbelle: Oh god…
Hook: Pan’s gas….

Charming: I found the best place ever for our new home!
Snow: You’re sweet, but I’m not living in the old abandoned Indian camp….I didn’t like the possible racial connotations that our company had for it…

Charming: WHOA!

Charming: That did not feel good…
Snow: Whatever that was, I hope I didn’t get pregnant from it..
Charming: I hope “I” didn’t get pregnant from it…

Henry: I’m taller! AND I HAVE MAGIC!

Pan: Wow, hold on, let me stifle that voice in here with me….there we go…


*Falls into a pile*

Pan: I’m taller than all of you!

Emma: Hm…we were ineffective.
Regina: I’m sure this is your fault…

The End


  1. Malcolm is still awful, Emma is kind of the best flashbackless, storyless protagonist. Henry seems to agree to do things because he's bored, which makes perfect sense given his character. Oh, Henry.