Once Upon A Time: Abridged: Think Happy Thoughts Part 3

Baelfire: Alright Wendy, tell me where my son is and my dad will give you a lollipop!

Wendy: Um…I get to go home too right? Are my brothers dead?

Baelfire: Erm…..probably, it’s been 300 years, girl.

Rumpelstiltskin: I should probably say something but knowing the good guys and their record, they’ll be dead by the time we get back.

Wendy: Henry and Pan are totes buddies; they’re the best friends in the world.

Rumpelstiltskin: She’s lying, Henry wouldn’t be friends with any leader of any island, he’d find a way to vote Pan off so he could be a ruler!

Rumpelstiltskin: Let me pop her head off!

Charming: Geez, that ‘good’ spiel didn’t last long!

Wendy: Can’t believe someone’s BS detector is actually average around here….

Baelfire: *Is hurt* Wendy, you wouldn’t lie to your big Baether would you?

Wendy: Okay but only for you.

Wendy: Pan’s dying and he needs the heart of the truest believer to stay alive. If you’re curious at how I of all people would know all of this, Pan sleepwalks and likes to talk in his sleep. Also just in case we might need it, he likes pink cotton candy, not blue and green is just an abomination.

Baelfire: That cotton candy thing explains so much

Rumpelstiltskin: At least I don’t outright lie.

Wendy: At least I don’t drop my kids down portals

Rumpelstiltskin: You don’t HAVE kids! That doesn’t count!

Baelfire: *Face palms*

Regina: I have an idea! Everyone relevant will go get Henry and everyone not relevant will stay here! That means Emma, DEFINITELY me, Rumple, me, Bae I suppose, and me.

Snow: What about Charming and I?

Regina: What ABOUT you? A backstory episode is coming up for me, I have to go!

Hook: *Sniffles* Everyone forgot about me!

Henry: Lame, where are the mermaids now?!

Pan: *Is staring longingly at*

Henry: Could you make your obsession be NOT so creepy?

Henry: Why did we have to come all the way out here? Why couldn’t I Just pop my heart out over Wendy’s body? I’m just saying that this wastes a lot of time….

Pan: Shut up and help me tie off!

Pan: Ha! I dare anyone to cross this line! They don’t break rules, so they’ll just stand there really stupidly!

Pan: Unless the bad guys are with them…and boy wouldn’t that be a joke.

Charming: I’m going and that’s final!

Emma: There are only so many people that can go in the boat, Charming.

Wendy: And Felix builds them like crap, I’m just saying, you’ll be bailing water most of the time.

Wendy: I may have pushed him in once.

Hook: What about ME?!

Snow: Go Emma, I trust you! We’ll tie up the Lost Boys to be tortured if we have to!

Regina: Whoa, she’s brutal to people she doesn’t personally like….

Snow: I’LL MISS YOU

Emma: Yeah, yeah, okay. That was my ear.

Rumpelstiltskin: Can I join?

Snow: I don’t think you were invited, do you?

Hook: *Doesn’t like being left out* I’ll stay here then! See what you think about that! With Tink! I didn’t want to go on your tacky adventure anyway!

Emma: Sounds like a plan! See you guys later!

Rumpelstiltskin: What if they find out my family secret?

Rumpelstiltskin: I like pink cotton candy too!

Rumpelstiltskin: Come on, I’m TIRED, can’t we just build a beach house like everyone else?!

Malcom: No! We’re going to fly and that’s that!

Malcom: Don’t you want to brag to the girls that you can do that? Not many can!

Rumpelstiltskin: There aren’t even any girls HERE!

Malcom: Ah, there’s that picturesque tree!

Rumpelstiltskin: It looks like a tree…

Malcom: Ah, I remember it like it was yesterday. One kid was all like “I’m going to sprinkle this random dust on myself and see what happens when I jump off the tree! And he flew! It was a discovery for the ages!

Malcom: I’ll go get it. Your short little arms can’t reach the branches.

Rumpelstiltskin: Have fun.

Malcom: *Suddenly remembers all the time he fell out of that tree*

Malcom: Be sure to catch me if I tumble out.

Malcom: Mm. Tree; my old friend…we meet again.

Malcom: ….

Malcom: Are you sure you don’t want to get it for me?

Rumpelstiltskin: I was born on the ground and that’s where I’ll stay.

Malcom: Where’s your sense of adventure!

Rumpelstiltskin: On the ground. Where I was born and where I’ll stay.

Malcom: *isn’t sure Rumple will grab onto the branches if he’s chucked up there*

Malcom: Ffffriiiidddggggeee, that’s high.

Malcom: Let’s have a quick prayer

Rumpelstiltskin: You’re an atheist.

Malcom: Just go up the tree

Rumpelstiltskin: The ground and I are having a torrid love that no one understands. No.

Malcom: Atta boy!

Malcom: Wait, you’re basically in love with mud?

Malcom: Freak

Rumpelstiltskin: Is there any time before the Dark One Curse that I’m not smudged with it in some way?

Malcom: *Slips a bunch because of moss*

Rumpelstiltskin: Mmm, fall. Fall real good.

Malcom: Darn it, they’re not in bloom!

Malcom: Oh well, I can’t go back down empty handed; Rumple will never let me hear the end of it!

Malcom: Oh hey, one in reaching distance! How did I miss that one?

*Is making uncomfortable faces*

Malcom: Yes! Yes! OH YES!

Shadow: Get some flowers for the missus and…WHO THE FRIG ARE YOU?

Malcom: The new king of the island! What’s it to ya?

Shadow: Dude, you can’t be here, it’s just not the way of things.

Malcom: Who says? Not you! What are you going to do? Follow me to death?

*Eyes narrow*

Rumpelstiltskin: What does the doll say? Nothing, since dad didn’t give him a mouth…

Malcom: AUGH, MY ENTRAILS! THAT’S SUPPOSED TO BE IN MY STOMACH! AUGH!

Rumpelstiltskin: Did you find it?

Baelfire: I want to take a minute to protest that ME doing all the rowing is unfair.

Emma: Stroke!

Baelfire: I had a gunshot wound!

Regina: Stroke!

Baelfire: You lardasses combined weigh more than my strength!

Rumpelstiltskin: Stroke!

Baelfire: YOU ALL THREE HAVE MAGIC FOR FRIG’S SAKE!

Regina: Suck it up, you big baby!

Baelfire: I can’t feel my arms1

Emma: Aw look, they were doodling in the sand!

Emma: AIEEEEEE!

Baelfire: Emma, this is no time for your ninja moves, you nearly kicked me in the face!

Emma: *Splat*

Regina: BAHAHAHAHAHA!

Rumpelstiltskin: My darling!

Baelfire: *Is there first* Do you need to ride on my back?

Rumpelstiltskin: He put up a line in the sand! Good people can’t cross the line, its impossible!

Regina: Blah, blah, blah,

Regina: Fireball

Rumpelstiltskin: MY EYEBROWS AND GENERAL FACE!

Regina: My plan failed? That never happens!

Rumpelstiltskin: YOU need to go calm yourself!

Regina: Awwww

Rumpelstiltskin: I’ll cross the line!

Emma: No! But you’re good now!

Rumpelstiltskin: Not good enough, it seems. Pan is drawing me in and keeping you out…which means this is an obvious trap and I probably shouldn’t fall for it but…eh, we need to wrap this up.

Rumpelstiltskin: I guess I could like…find a way to defeat this force field. Put sand over it or something but the last thing I want to hear is you guys telling me that I have to spare the guy that wants physical harm to happen to us.

Regina; “I” would never!

Rumpelstiltskin: Look, I’ll be back in like ten minutes, if I can’t beat him, it’s not like you lot have a hope in hades at succeeding1

Baelfire: He’s sort of right….

Rumpelstiltskin: I sort of need Pandora’s Box

Regina: *Snatches* I’ll do it!

Baelfire: Everyone stop snatching my things from me, friggin’ jackasses….

Regina: If this doesn’t work then I’ll make you miserable!

Rumpelstiltskin: Was that…supposed to be scary?

Regina: *glare*

Rumpelstiltskin: I can kick your ass in everything from hopscotch to Five Nights at Freddy’s on Custom might with every enemy on level 20, but it appears I still lose to you on who can blow the hottest air. Was that supposed to intimidate me?