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Tuesday, September 23, 2014

Think Happy Thoughts Part 2

Rumpelstiltskin: So…..you guys just have a mini one of these randomly lying around?

Spinster 1: He has the making of a good spinner!
Spinster 2: We’ll get rich off of his child labor!

Rumpelstiltskin: I’ve been at this for twelve hours, I just want to go home.

Spinster 1: Oh look, he’s pretending he doesn’t know his dad sold his home so he can cry and we’ll give him an extra juice box.

Rumpelstiltskin: Wut?

Spinster 1: I said get back to work!

Spinster 1: Or there’ll be no dinner or dessert!

Spinster 1: Your father is a bit of a dick…
Spinster 2: Oh, it’s true…he’s totally getting drunk right now, partying that he has no son…

Rumpelstiltskin: Then I’ll hunt him down and end it….

Spinster 2: Hm. *Is freaked out*
Spinster 1: Before you do, we have something for you

Rumpelstiltskin: Is that something that came out of your nose?

Spinster 1: It’s a magical bean which may or may not be rare now.
Spinster 2: And we just happen to have it! And we’ll entrust it to you and your untrustworthy father for some reason!
Spinster 1: We’re shadier than the Blue Fairy!

Rumpelstiltskin: Can I eat it?

Spinster 1: You can do whatever you want with it….but only if you do 12 more hours of work.

Rumpelstiltskin: You don’t have cable or internet so whatever.

Rumpelstiltskin: Sorry, are we still talking about this?

Emma: *Sniffles* I trusted you and everything.

Rumpelstiltskin: *Felt the blow of those words*

Regina: For SHAME!

Baelfire: Hey wait a minute…isn’t that the woman who tried to kill us the last time I saw her? What’s going on?!

Rumpelstiltskin: Things have changed apparently, don’t ask me, Regina jumps the fence so much, it’s surprising she doesn’t have splinters on her arse.

Baelfire: I’m so confused right now

Rumpelstiltskin: *Puppy eyes* This will save Henry from Pan. You just have to let me use it.

Rumpelstiltskin: I’m going to put it in your hands now…because I saw the light and I’m trustworthy now, Emma. I have decreed it so.

Baelfire: I’ll take that.
Rumpelstiltskin: Nooooooo! Darn it, Bae, I was trying to impress Emma!

Baelfire: *Is struggling* Dad, let go

Rumpelstiltskin: Whatever, it was a gift for Emma *Is sad*

Snow: Friggin…I wanted to shoot someone. *looks at the pirate*

Rumpelstiltskin: I’m good now!

Rumpelstiltskin: Also Pan is your grandpa. Just saying it onscreen now

Baelfire: My life is so messed up…

Malcom: I’m a terrible conman, you never con in the same place twice on the same possible day!

Malcom: Hey little boy, want to follow the lady?

Rumpelstiltskin: I knew you were untrustworthy!

Malcom: I’ve sort of told you that all my life, Rumple…

Rumpelstiltskin: *Runs away crying* My magic bean and I will go play elsewhere!
Customer: You made that poor child cry?! This is the end of my business with you!

Random Passerby: ?
Malcom: *Sigh* Wait, what magic bean?

Malcom: Slow down, midget, my legs can’t keep up!

Rumpelstiltskin: I’m going to go hang out with the spinsters. They want me!

Malcom: I know, but that’s beside the point.

Rumpelstiltskin: I knew you were a terrible father but attempts to abandon me to gamble is just a new low! Though I shouldn’t be surprised; when your name’s MALCOM and mine's RUMPELSTILTSKIN, it says A LOT about what sort of father you’re going to be!

Malcom: Erm….your mother…named you?

Malcom: Now hand over the magic bean

Rumpelstiltskin: You can’t make me!

Malcom: *Has no idea what to do after this point* Oh God, I was hoping childhood rebellion wouldn’t be until nine!

Rumpelstiltskin: I’m advanced for my age.

Rumpelstiltskin: But this bean will fix everything

Malcom: Evil!

Malcom: I mean, that bean could transport me to Neverland! A place I visited as a boy in my dreams!

Rumpelstiltskin: It’s a recurring dream you dim-dim!  You’re not going to waste my chance at happiness on a place that might not even be real!

Malcom: Gimme! I’m your father and I said so!

Rumpelstiltskin: Whatever, there better be cake and girls

Malcom: Well…cake…but you can fly!

Rumpelstiltskin: And get bugs stuck in my eyeballs? That’s hardly fun.

Rumpelstiltskin: But whatever, here you go, I have no idea where we could go anyway


Rumpelstiltskin: I’m coming too!

Malcom: *Is horrified*

Malcom: *This isn’t the way he was hoping this would go*

Malcom: Ow, I hit my nose too hard!

Rumpelstiltskin: The genes I have to look forward to…all right there….

Malcom: This is your face all the time.

Malcom: Are we going to go to Neverland or not!

Rumpelstiltskin: It had BETTER be fun!

Malcom: I’m gonna hawk this so fast!

Malcom: *Drops it* FRIG!

Malcom: *Makes uncomfortable face*  I meant to do that

Rumpelstiltskin: Why does that look like the vortex of “Always backfire on Rumple”?

Rumpelstiltskin: But me too!

Snow: For God’s sakes; Rumple’s with us, we can TELEPORT NOW!

Emma: *Runs up and taps* Did that annoy you?

Emma: Trade places with me! Rumple’s enjoying the view too much!
Hook: I don’t want him admiring MY goods!
Rumpelstiltskin: YOU DON’T HAVE ANY!

Hook: I wish he’d stop listening in!

Emma: Does this mean you’re going to tell him about our kiss and have childish fights with him too to assert your position?
Hook: No, he’d snap me like a twig.

Emma: He gave me a box. I mean…that was sweet of him…

Hook: He also took my hand. That wasn’t very sweet.
Rumpelstiltskin: It was funny though!

Emma: You can go on, you know.
Hook: They won’t. They like pelting rocks at me too much.

Rumpelstiltskin: I do nothing of the sort EMmmmmmmaaaaaaa, and I’ll prove that by confidently walking ahead because I’m secure about our love.

Emma: How fun, another one.

Rumpelstiltskin: Oh, one more thing

Rumpelstiltskin: Six days of being in the jungle and you look as radiant as ever. Truly the sun has arrived in a land where it’s always night.

Hook: *Is trying to smile to hide how insecure he feels*
Baelfire: *Is super embarrassed*
Emma: Please…stop….
Rumpelstiltskin: In face, of the three of you, truly you are the light….except for Bae who I’d do anything but for other than him!

Emma: I chose Henry

Rumpelstiltskin: So have I, Emma. So have I….which is why I don’t want to kill him any longer.

Emma: *Is hopeful*

Rumpelstiltskin: Shall we?

Emma: Yes…

Rumpelstiltskin: Also I can save your father. Not halfway like the smelly pirate

Baelfire: Hey! Hey! Hey! You better not make her pay a price for that.
Rumpelstiltskin: What do I look like? A horrible person?

Rumpelstiltskin: I don’t need a price. Emma’s happiness is enough!

Baelfire: And it better stay free of charge.

Emma: I don’t know who I’m in love with more

Emma: I’ll be in my bunk…

Hook: Smooth bastard.

Tinkerbelle: Did you guys take a wrong turn at Albuquerque or something? What’s keeping you?

Charming: You three better not be flirting with my daughter again! I’ll do something about it this time!

Emma: If I can’t get a bunk, I’m ready to siege an attack, anyone else?

Charming: Hey! What’re you reaching for!
Regina: That’s my boyfriend!
Snow: *Could ship it*

Rumpelstiltskin: I have your back Emma. Like I always mostly have!

Regina: Try not to get stabbed with dream shade, okay?

Rumpelstiltskin: Try not to repeat every plan you had in season 2 where you failed so horribly.

Baelfire: Oooooooo

Regina: *Jaw clench*

*Everyone is hit with a spell*

Baelfire: Where’s Felix? I want to draw stuff on his face!
Emma:  I heard a Lost Boy say that he was taking Henry to Skull Rock without him and Felix is elsewhere getting drunk and singing “All my Myself”

Emma: This…really wasn’t that hard to storm. Why did we need Tink again?


Emma: I’ll save you! What’s your name?

Wendy: You could open the door…

Emma: Should I? I’m not clear on who we should trust anymore. Peter Pan being evil has just shattered my whole childhood

Baelfire: ZOMGWENDY!
Rumpelstiltskin: Holy shoot, Bae has a type

Baelfire: Here, I’LL let you out!

Wendy: Bae, hold me, I have years’ worth of trauma being trapped in that cage…

Wendy: Pan ran off with Henry!

Baelfire: You’ve been here this whole time?

Wendy: Yes, we wanted you to have a family so we came to find you but Pan enslaved me and enslaved my brothers!

Baelfire: My sacrifice was for nothing?!

Wendy: Yeah. Sorta. My bad.

Rumpelstiltskin: Bae, you’re not very good at this.

Baelfire: Sort of better than you…

Rumpelstiltskin: Oh yeah, that’s right….

Rumpelstiltskin: I’m okay. A crab broke my fall

Malcom: I have sand up my nose!

Rumpelstiltskin: Yay! We’re in Neverland! Or….Lost….

Malcom: Oh…glad I didn’t land on those logs…

Malcom: I DID IT!

Rumpelstiltskin: *Is in awe*

Malcom: Rumple…you okay there?
Rumpelstiltskin: *Is in awe*
Malcom: Well, see you around them
Rumpelstiltskin: *Is in awe*

Malcom: Watch me fly! There’s a very specific process


Malcom: *Coat swirl*

Rumpelstiltskin: Where’s my cake?

Malcom: Now dream of a McDonalds! I’m hungry!

Rumpelstiltskin: Ugh! This has chocolate on it, what’s that doing there?!

Malcom: Don’t put it in the sand! And don’t interrupt me!

Malcom: *Is imitating Rose from Titanic* I’m flying, Jack!

Rumpelstiltskin: Dad, how much did you drink before we left?

Malcom: Not enough to ignore you!

Malcom: I believe I can fly!

*Faceplants faster than Charming*

Malcom: I can’t believe it didn’t work!

Rumpelstiltskin: How come I Never visited this place?

Malcom: Rumple, help me out here

Rumpelstiltskin: You’re like forty years old! Maybe the powers that be told you to hit the road and now you can’t make it work!

Malcom: Oh yeah! You need dust!

Malcom: Ugh, that crap never washed out of my dream clothes…

Rumpelstiltskin: *Is ignoring him and balancing on a log*

Malcom: C’mere!
Rumpelstiltskin: Wait! What’re you doing?!

Malcom: I might need you to climb the tree for me!
Rumpelstiltskin: But I hate heights!

Shadow: Pick up some veggies for the missus and-

Shadow: Who the frig is that?!


  1. No "I'm not going there with nothing but my good looks" moment?! That pretty much defined that the writers know about this little abridgment! C'mon!!

  2. I loathe Malcolm so much ! Thank you for that !