Rumpelstiltskin: So…..you guys just have a mini one of these randomly lying around?
Spinster 1: He has the making of a good spinner!
Spinster 2: We’ll get rich off of his child labor!
Rumpelstiltskin: I’ve been at this for twelve hours, I just want to go home.
Spinster 1: Oh look, he’s pretending he doesn’t know his dad sold his home so he can cry and we’ll give him an extra juice box.
Spinster 1: I said get back to work!
Spinster 1: Or there’ll be no dinner or dessert!
Spinster 1: Your father is a bit of a dick…
Spinster 2: Oh, it’s true…he’s totally getting drunk right now, partying that he has no son…
Rumpelstiltskin: Then I’ll hunt him down and end it….
Spinster 2: Hm. *Is freaked out*
Spinster 1: Before you do, we have something for you
Rumpelstiltskin: Is that something that came out of your nose?
Spinster 1: It’s a magical bean which may or may not be rare now.
Spinster 2: And we just happen to have it! And we’ll entrust it to you and your untrustworthy father for some reason!
Spinster 1: We’re shadier than the Blue Fairy!
Rumpelstiltskin: Can I eat it?
Spinster 1: You can do whatever you want with it….but only if you do 12 more hours of work.
Rumpelstiltskin: You don’t have cable or internet so whatever.
Rumpelstiltskin: Sorry, are we still talking about this?
Emma: *Sniffles* I trusted you and everything.
Rumpelstiltskin: *Felt the blow of those words*
Regina: For SHAME!
Baelfire: Hey wait a minute…isn’t that the woman who tried to kill us the last time I saw her? What’s going on?!
Rumpelstiltskin: Things have changed apparently, don’t ask me, Regina jumps the fence so much, it’s surprising she doesn’t have splinters on her arse.
Baelfire: I’m so confused right now
Rumpelstiltskin: *Puppy eyes* This will save Henry from Pan. You just have to let me use it.
Rumpelstiltskin: I’m going to put it in your hands now…because I saw the light and I’m trustworthy now, Emma. I have decreed it so.
Baelfire: I’ll take that.
Rumpelstiltskin: Nooooooo! Darn it, Bae, I was trying to impress Emma!
Baelfire: *Is struggling* Dad, let go
Rumpelstiltskin: Whatever, it was a gift for Emma *Is sad*
Snow: Friggin…I wanted to shoot someone. *looks at the pirate*
Rumpelstiltskin: I’m good now!
Rumpelstiltskin: Also Pan is your grandpa. Just saying it onscreen now
Baelfire: My life is so messed up…
Malcom: I’m a terrible conman, you never con in the same place twice on the same possible day!
Malcom: Hey little boy, want to follow the lady?
Rumpelstiltskin: I knew you were untrustworthy!
Malcom: I’ve sort of told you that all my life, Rumple…
Rumpelstiltskin: *Runs away crying* My magic bean and I will go play elsewhere!
Customer: You made that poor child cry?! This is the end of my business with you!
Random Passerby: ?
Malcom: *Sigh* Wait, what magic bean?
Malcom: Slow down, midget, my legs can’t keep up!
Rumpelstiltskin: I’m going to go hang out with the spinsters. They want me!
Malcom: I know, but that’s beside the point.
Rumpelstiltskin: I knew you were a terrible father but attempts to abandon me to gamble is just a new low! Though I shouldn’t be surprised; when your name’s MALCOM and mine's RUMPELSTILTSKIN, it says A LOT about what sort of father you’re going to be!
Malcom: Erm….your mother…named you?
Malcom: Now hand over the magic bean
Rumpelstiltskin: You can’t make me!
Malcom: *Has no idea what to do after this point* Oh God, I was hoping childhood rebellion wouldn’t be until nine!
Rumpelstiltskin: I’m advanced for my age.
Rumpelstiltskin: But this bean will fix everything
Malcom: I mean, that bean could transport me to Neverland! A place I visited as a boy in my dreams!
Rumpelstiltskin: It’s a recurring dream you dim-dim! You’re not going to waste my chance at happiness on a place that might not even be real!
Malcom: Gimme! I’m your father and I said so!
Rumpelstiltskin: Whatever, there better be cake and girls
Malcom: Well…cake…but you can fly!
Rumpelstiltskin: And get bugs stuck in my eyeballs? That’s hardly fun.
Rumpelstiltskin: But whatever, here you go, I have no idea where we could go anyway
Malcom: ALL MY DREAM WILL COME TRUE! SEE YOU AROUND!
Rumpelstiltskin: I’m coming too!
Malcom: *Is horrified*
Malcom: *This isn’t the way he was hoping this would go*
Malcom: Ow, I hit my nose too hard!
Rumpelstiltskin: The genes I have to look forward to…all right there….
Malcom: This is your face all the time.
Malcom: Are we going to go to Neverland or not!
Rumpelstiltskin: It had BETTER be fun!
Malcom: I’m gonna hawk this so fast!
Malcom: *Drops it* FRIG!
Malcom: *Makes uncomfortable face* I meant to do that
Rumpelstiltskin: Why does that look like the vortex of “Always backfire on Rumple”?
Malcom: HERE I COME, NEVERLAND!
Rumpelstiltskin: But me too!
Snow: For God’s sakes; Rumple’s with us, we can TELEPORT NOW!
Emma: *Runs up and taps* Did that annoy you?
Hook: YES! STOP DOING IT!
Emma: Trade places with me! Rumple’s enjoying the view too much!
Hook: I don’t want him admiring MY goods!
Rumpelstiltskin: YOU DON’T HAVE ANY!
Hook: I wish he’d stop listening in!
Emma: Does this mean you’re going to tell him about our kiss and have childish fights with him too to assert your position?
Hook: No, he’d snap me like a twig.
Emma: He gave me a box. I mean…that was sweet of him…
Hook: He also took my hand. That wasn’t very sweet.
Rumpelstiltskin: It was funny though!
Emma: You can go on, you know.
Hook: They won’t. They like pelting rocks at me too much.
Rumpelstiltskin: I do nothing of the sort EMmmmmmmaaaaaaa, and I’ll prove that by confidently walking ahead because I’m secure about our love.
Emma: How fun, another one.
Rumpelstiltskin: Oh, one more thing
Rumpelstiltskin: Six days of being in the jungle and you look as radiant as ever. Truly the sun has arrived in a land where it’s always night.
Hook: *Is trying to smile to hide how insecure he feels*
Baelfire: *Is super embarrassed*
Rumpelstiltskin: In face, of the three of you, truly you are the light….except for Bae who I’d do anything but for other than him!
Emma: I chose Henry
Rumpelstiltskin: So have I, Emma. So have I….which is why I don’t want to kill him any longer.
Emma: *Is hopeful*
Rumpelstiltskin: Shall we?
Rumpelstiltskin: Also I can save your father. Not halfway like the smelly pirate
Baelfire: Hey! Hey! Hey! You better not make her pay a price for that.
Rumpelstiltskin: What do I look like? A horrible person?
Rumpelstiltskin: I don’t need a price. Emma’s happiness is enough!
Baelfire: And it better stay free of charge.
Emma: I don’t know who I’m in love with more
Emma: I’ll be in my bunk…
Hook: Smooth bastard.
Tinkerbelle: Did you guys take a wrong turn at Albuquerque or something? What’s keeping you?
Charming: You three better not be flirting with my daughter again! I’ll do something about it this time!
Emma: If I can’t get a bunk, I’m ready to siege an attack, anyone else?
Charming: Hey! What’re you reaching for!
Regina: That’s my boyfriend!
Snow: *Could ship it*
Rumpelstiltskin: I have your back Emma. Like I always mostly have!
Regina: Try not to get stabbed with dream shade, okay?
Rumpelstiltskin: Try not to repeat every plan you had in season 2 where you failed so horribly.
Regina: *Jaw clench*
*Everyone is hit with a spell*
Baelfire: Where’s Felix? I want to draw stuff on his face!
Emma: I heard a Lost Boy say that he was taking Henry to Skull Rock without him and Felix is elsewhere getting drunk and singing “All my Myself”
Emma: This…really wasn’t that hard to storm. Why did we need Tink again?
Wendy: HEY! BLONDIE! I HAVE ETERNITY AND I DON’T WANT TO SPEND IT HERE
Emma: I’ll save you! What’s your name?
Wendy: You could open the door…
Emma: Should I? I’m not clear on who we should trust anymore. Peter Pan being evil has just shattered my whole childhood
Rumpelstiltskin: Holy shoot, Bae has a type
Baelfire: Here, I’LL let you out!
Wendy: Bae, hold me, I have years’ worth of trauma being trapped in that cage…
Wendy: Pan ran off with Henry!
Baelfire: You’ve been here this whole time?
Wendy: Yes, we wanted you to have a family so we came to find you but Pan enslaved me and enslaved my brothers!
Baelfire: My sacrifice was for nothing?!
Wendy: Yeah. Sorta. My bad.
Rumpelstiltskin: Bae, you’re not very good at this.
Baelfire: Sort of better than you…
Rumpelstiltskin: Oh yeah, that’s right….
Rumpelstiltskin: I’m okay. A crab broke my fall
Malcom: I have sand up my nose!
Rumpelstiltskin: Yay! We’re in Neverland! Or….Lost….
Malcom: Oh…glad I didn’t land on those logs…
Malcom: I DID IT!
Rumpelstiltskin: *Is in awe*
Malcom: Rumple…you okay there?
Rumpelstiltskin: *Is in awe*
Malcom: Well, see you around them
Rumpelstiltskin: *Is in awe*
Malcom: Watch me fly! There’s a very specific process
Malcom: YOU CAN’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO, GRAVITY!
Malcom: *Coat swirl*
Rumpelstiltskin: Where’s my cake?
Malcom: Now dream of a McDonalds! I’m hungry!
Rumpelstiltskin: Ugh! This has chocolate on it, what’s that doing there?!
Malcom: Don’t put it in the sand! And don’t interrupt me!
Malcom: *Is imitating Rose from Titanic* I’m flying, Jack!
Rumpelstiltskin: Dad, how much did you drink before we left?
Malcom: Not enough to ignore you!
Malcom: I believe I can fly!
*Faceplants faster than Charming*
Malcom: I can’t believe it didn’t work!
Rumpelstiltskin: How come I Never visited this place?
Malcom: Rumple, help me out here
Rumpelstiltskin: You’re like forty years old! Maybe the powers that be told you to hit the road and now you can’t make it work!
Malcom: Oh yeah! You need dust!
Malcom: Ugh, that crap never washed out of my dream clothes…
Rumpelstiltskin: *Is ignoring him and balancing on a log*
Rumpelstiltskin: Wait! What’re you doing?!
Malcom: I might need you to climb the tree for me!
Rumpelstiltskin: But I hate heights!
Shadow: Pick up some veggies for the missus and-
Shadow: Who the frig is that?!