Once Upon A Time: Abridged: The New Neverland Part 1

Belle: Would you hurry up?

Ariel: I’m unsteady! I rarely wear heels!

Belle: I wear those all the time and I don’t have a problem!

Ariel: *Wobbles*

Belle: Welp! There he is!

Ariel: OH! EW! UGH! MURDERER! MURDERER!

Belle: *Sigh* Nothing makes you happy, does it?

Eric: *So skilled at slicing and dicing Ariel’s friends that he can wear a white sweater and not get it stained*

Ariel: He’s committing murder though!

Belle: *Stifling laughter* I know!

Ariel: Billy! Noooo!

Belle: :D :D :D

Ariel: I can’t!

Belle: You must! For true love!

Ariel: Are we?! We spent three minutes together!

Belle: *Shoves*

Ariel: *Wobbles and tries to smile*

Eric: It’s you! That woman I spent three minutes with however many years ago! My true love!

Ariel: Yays! That was easy!

Eric: *Throws fish off the table and hopes he was so subtle that she never noticed him chopping them up in the first place*

*Slobbers all over the other*

Belle: *Glares* She gets a happy boyfriend….

Rumpelstiltskin: BELLE! IM COMING HOOOOOME!

Hook: Your cloaking spell sucks!

Ariel: *Gasp!* Our true love brought everyone back!

*Is swerving all over the place*

Hook: Let go of the wheel!

Rumpelstiltskin: I want to fly over a few times to make sure Belle and Archie know I’m home!

Belle: My boyfriend! Eeeeee!

*Everyone on the ship screams in terror as Hook and Rumple fight over the wheel*

Pan!Henry: Bleedin’ ‘ell! What’s that brightness in the sky and the warmth on my face? I bloody hate it!

Emma: He’s so cute! Gone a whole week and he forgot what the sun was!

Snow: That’s our boy!

Snow: *Waves at everyone*

Charming: Snow? M-move Snow….

Grumpy: *Dances an Irish jig*

Bashful: *Squees*

Blue Fairy: W00t! W00t!

Pan!Henry: *Was sort of hoping the first woman to hug him on land would be a supermodel*

Granny: Wait…you…don’t feel right…you’re not Henry…

Grumpy: GROUP HUG!

Granny: You just missed Red…..she was here earlier…

Regina: Ugh, the stench of everyone who hates me…

Rumpelstiltskin: Belle, my time was horrible there…

Belle: Oh. My. God…I LOVE your outfit…*Gonna be some roleplaying tonight!*

Rumpelstiltskin: *Immediately forgets Emma* Aww, it’s my true love!

Snow: Ariel! How and when did you get here?!

Ariel: THIS IS MY BOYFRIEND OF FIVE MINUTES IN TOTAL!

Snow: Oh…Hi?”

Regina: Ugh, everyone’s so happy and I don’t like it…

Pan!Henry: Where’s my bloomin’ Castle? Henry said he ruled this place with an iron fist!

Emma: D’awww Henry, just needs some time to adjust!

Felix: I hate everything.

Pan!Henry: Oh man, I hope we’re both subtle about our evil…

Rumpelstiltskin: *Breathes her hair in for twenty minutes*

Rumpelstiltskin: I missed the real version of you. The fake version…just felt like a shadow of your former self…

Belle: Yeah so about that…..

Baelfire: HEEEEY Lacey!

Belle: It’s Belle now…

Baelfire: Why doesn’t anyone fill me in on these things?!

Baelfire: I found Henry beating Lost Boys with this for ‘mutinous behavior’ while on the ship.

Rumpelstiltskin: Why do I need that? I have you and I have Belle and I have my full swag.

Baelfire: You must teach me your ways!

Regina: Hmph! NO one greets me, just because my last act was to get a failsafe to kill them all as far as they know…maybe I shouldn’t have killed or locked away all my friends and family…that was a bad idea for occasions like this…

Lostboys: Where will we live?

Wendy: Finally! The sun again!

John: Oh thank God, she’s just a kid still!

Michael: Automatically this means that we don’t have to beat Bae off with a stick.

Wendy: Well, time to rely on the good will of others since my parents are long dead…probably lived in grief thinking we were all gone…

Michael: WENDY!

John: I’m not emotional! *Tears up* I’m not!

Wendy: Wow, you guys got old!

*Group chest bump*

John: Well…let’s go home!

Baelfire: But…you only just got here…where do you live?!

Wendy: I don’t know this world!

Tinkerbelle: Oo, that guy with the glasses is a tall drink of water *Eyesex*

Hook: Hey! You’re not dead yet! Whatever Rumple cooked up for you must’ve worked.

Hook: Just don’t pee everything out that way it’s always in your system until he finds a cure…I guess…

Charming: I don’t want to think about that…

Regina: Just sit here in self-pity until someone notices me

Snow: Hey everyone! Regina helped us!

Regina: What?! You guys noticed me?!

Snow: She ruined everything again!

Charming: Did we have to wait until you revisited the hair stylist and ate so much chocolate that you got bloated at the reception to talk about this?

Charming: And I lost my sword! Do you think Rumple will let us have a new one?

Snow: This is what she always does!

Charming: Did you really think exiling her to her MAGICAL PALACE was going to punish her?

Snow: We have to stop her before she goes after our people!

Charming: She’s gone after your people. You stood among a village full of bodies and this is JUST bothering you now?

Snow: SHE’S FRIGGIN GOOD AND I’LL MAKE HER GOOD IF I HAVE TO SHOVE IT DOWN HER THROAT EVERY DAY!

Snow: Don’t you test me!

Charming: So what’s the plan?

Snow: We’ll have to find a creature that can defeat her for us!

Charming: I’m…getting my signals crossed here…do you want her to be good so much that you exiled her with no real lasting consequences or do you want her defeated because she ruined our wedding?

Snow: I don’t know!

Charming: Hey, you know what? Here’s an idea, a whole few days without Regina, okay? No talking about her, no thinking about her, no looking in the general direction of her castle…just have a flashback episode about us…

Snow: Talk to the hand because the face ain’t listening…

Charming: Oh….Snow…

Snow: And this time we’ll not leave one stone unturned until her head’s on a silver platter!

Charming: *Whistles* You got really worked up, didn’t you?

Snow: It is ONE THING for her to slaughter hordes of innocent people! It’s another entirely for her to NOT LISTEN TO WHAT I SAY!

Charming: Calm down,

Snow: You’re right! I need to breathe! My corset wasn’t made for this…”

Snow: *Thinks about Regina again and crushes the wood with her bare hands*

Charming: Honeymmoooonnnnn

Snow: I can’t think about it! I have splinters! It really hurts!

Charming: We could go to six flags!

Snow: Six flags?!

Charming: I know how much you wanted to ride the Mr. Freeeezeeeee!

Snow: Ohhh, but…the person who wants to kill me!

Charming: And then on to the state fair where things that should not be are fried…I know you like that…

Snow: *Is putty in his hands*

Snow: Very well…The honeymoon without thinking about her and that’s it!

Charming: Yay! We’re off to a great start!

*True Love*

Snow: Grumpy! Stop listening in!

Grumpy: I have to live vicariously through someone…

Grumpy: Are you seriously going to leave us alone to handle this problem?

Snow: No, of course not, I’m abandoning him at the resort and killing Medusa and stoning Regina with her.

Grumpy: Poor blind sap…

Snow: It’s true love!

Snow: And if you tell anyone about my plan, I’ll behead you!

Snow: Okay?

Charming: I’m sort of worried, shouldn’t we destroy that sail?

Rumpelstiltskin: Nah, its fine! He should be fine right there!

Charming: We should put a guard on it in case you’re wrong.

Rumpelstiltskin: I’M NEVER WRONG, IT’S FINE WHERE IT IS!

Belle: Pumpkin!

Rumpelstiltskin: And so it this little snotface

Henry!Pan: I heard that! I’m Henry!

Rumpelstiltskin: Let’s get this put away before I get annoyed and throw it in the ocean…

Felix: You really shouldn’t be chatting with me…

Pan!Henry: They’re weak; they think I’m their little son…

Felix: So how does this work for your plan of immortality?

Pan!Henry: I don’t know!

Felix: Are you still dying?

Pan!Henry: I don’t know!

Felix: *Doesn’t think this plan was well thought out* What would’ve happened if she grabbed the wrong heart?

Pan!Henry: I DON”T KNOW!

Regina: What’re you doing, twiggy?

Felix: What?! I’m minding my own business and he came up to me!

Regina: We should find some place to put you so you don’t run free?

Felix: *Can’t believe it’s her that’s saying this*

Charming: In the mines doing slave labor sounds like an appropriate punishment!

Emma: *Blows raspberries*

Pan!Henry: Wait, this doesn’t suit my plans at all…

Rumpelstiltskin: And I’m the only one that can access this box!

Pan!Henry: I’ll kill you first!

Emma: What happens if someone drills under it?

Rumpelstiltskin: I don’t know….

Emma: Could I break it?
Rumpelstiltskin: Probably but I wouldn’t count on it, I’m not the blue fairy

Rumpelstiltskin: My powers are MUCH more useful than hers are!

Rumpelstiltskin: Now get out everyone! I have some catching up to do with Belle!

Regina: You put the ‘rump’ in Rumple….

Rumpelstiltskin: I’ll find a way to put you in the box too, Regina!

Belle: And that’s how you tie a tie!

Rumpelstiltskin: I know Belle…I was tying my own ties for 28 years…

Belle: Now about this imaginary me…

Rumpelstiltskin: She wasn’t you, that’s the only thing that matters and since we’re wearing sort of the same color, it means we’re true love.

Belle: *gasps* And what about Emma?

‘

Rumpelstiltskin: What about her? I forgot she existed as soon as I stepped off the boat…

Rumpelstiltskin: She didn’t appreciate my love of leather NEAR as much as you do

Rumpelstiltskin: Which means that I have chosen you and I’ll never never never never never never never never never never never never never never never leave you again.

Belle: Oh…that’s my guy!

Rumpelstiltskin: Time for smooches!

*Probably best it cut to black…*

Pan!Henry: Where’s my beer?

Emma: Look what I got you!

Pan!Henry: Oh tosh! What am I supposed to do with that?

Emma: But you love it!

Emma: You better love it. I carted it down from Mary Momgrets just for you and that thing weighs a ton!

Pan!Henry: I’ve grown up from such things…

Emma: Yup, something’s wrong with you.

Emma: *Glares at Hook*

Hook: Aw crap, she caught me staring.

Hook: *Not so convincingly looks away*

Baelfire: CHUG! CHUG! CHUG!

Hook: Why won’t she notice me?!

Baelfire: Thirteen down and you’re still on your first!

Hook: I refuse to drink this puddle water they call alcohol!

Hook: *Drinks*

Baelfire: So…lemme tell ya about me and Tinklebear.

Hook: That’s…not so bad…I sorta like it…

Hook: I’ve decided to let you have a chance at Emma.

Baelfire: Shouldn’t SHE decide this?

Hook: No man, what’s wrong with you? She won’t decide anything! I’m backing off! Because eventually you’re going to fall flat on your face and then I’ll swoop in!

Baelfire: Sort of like my dad and mom, huh?

Hook: Stop remembering that!

Baelfire: Like I can get THAT image out of my head!

Hook: I am too drunk to hear you right now!

Hook: Well, I’m too sober, but I PLAN TO GET THERE!

Baelfire: Well…time to go chat with her I guess…

Hook: Wait, you’re supposed to back out too and let me- Ohhhhh….

Hook: I’ve gone and made myself sad….

Grumpy: Me and Ariel hit it off real good, all her boring prince has to do is disappear and that’ll be that!

Tinkerbelle: HER!

Blue: Green! Nice shade…I haven’t presumably seen you since you splatted on Regina’s back porch.

Regina: That was you that ruined my cobblestones?

Blue: You’re not getting your wings back.

Tinkerbelle: But I made the dust light up!

Regina: Look, just give them to her okay? She hasn’t shut up or left me alone since it flickered.

Blue: What, you think I can just shake my shoulders and give her her wings back? I can’t. Something about belief in yourself or whatever.

Regina: And that’s why I nominate Tink for leader.

Regina: Well…of you guys. I’m still mayor I think. But she’d be a good lackey

Tinkerbelle: Vote for me!

Tinkerbelle: Darn, it didn’t work!

Blue: Call me back when you can do one thing right…

Blue: Wait for it…

Blue: Green.

Tinkerbelle: *Tries to count to five*

Tinkerbelle: I’m going to start a bar fight.

Regina: Let me join you.

Pan!Henry: And where the bleedin’ ‘ell is SHE?!

Emma: So…you didn’t change clothes.

Baelfire: Neither did you

Emma: Yeah, but I didn’t get shot in my outfit….

Baelfire: *Is trying to think of what he wants to say while checking her out.*

Baelfire: *Looks away* “You want to do lunch or something?!

Emma: A date?

Baelfire: Who said date? We have a lot of stuff to talk about; most of it revolves around our kid.

Emma: I don’t even want to think!

Baelfire: Well, you have all night long…I’ll be patient and let you make the decision for what you want and if you don’t want me, I won’t bother you about romanticizing it up any time soon.