Once Upon A Time: Abridged: Save Henry Part 3

Regina: Well this is frustrating, we’re completely lost!

Emma: Almost wish we grabbed a guy who actually knew his way around.

Snow: Men better at us in directions! AHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Regina: Snow’s cracking up…

Regina: Well, that’s obviously a trap.

Emma: Hey, why can’t you teleport it over here?

Snow: MINE!

Regina: Check yourself before you wreck yourself……and us!

Snow: No! I want to do something! And if it means grabbing a random box then so be it!

Emma: Mary Momgret!

Regina: Grrr!

Emma: EEP!

Regina: Oh look, a bird

Regina: AUGH! *Is smacked against the tree a couple of times*

Snow: That went badly?!

Emma: CGI vines!

Regina: My worst foe! Except for you two…

Pan: Hi guys! Welcome to the shame tree!

Emma: Oh no…he’s going to talk us to death...

Pan: Okay, really tis’ the regret tree which…I don’t know…I projected onto when I dumped Rumple on the shadow for babysitting duties and he never brought him back or something….don’t you feel shame anyway?

Snow: All the time

Emma: Only when the writing needs me to

Regina: I don’t even UNDERSTAND that word.

Pan: Yeah, me nether

Pan: Want to date?

Regina: Grr face!

Regina: I am bringing this back while the warranty is still good.

Adoption Agent: Uh….

Regina: He and his mother are teaming up to take away my happiness!

Adoption Agent: I don’t think that’s happening….

Regina: Here is my list of complaints about this establishment, let it be known that my lawyer will be contacting you…

Adoption Agent: You’re lawyer’s the one that set this up!

Regina: Oh yeah…well…you will still hear from him…

Regina: Ah, I feel good about this already!

Adoption Agent: Yeahhhhhh, don’t you want some time to think about this?

Regina: I never want time to think!

Regina: *Cries* He was supposed to make me happy!

Henry: So long, loser!

Adoption Agent: Well…it so happens that we’ve had a couple that have been sitting in the office for weeks and not moving since you adopted him. I’m sure that we’ll just chuck out the waiting list and give him to them….

Regina: *Doesn’t care* Well happy day!

Regina: Well…so long kiddo, it’s been nice knowing you…

Henry: *Waves* See ya, wouldn’t want to be ya…especially when I grow up…

Regina: Okay kiddo, you be good and don’t spit up on them too much…wait a minute, you’re not with me. Spit up on them a lot…wait a minute! Why should you go to them and not me! I had you first! *Is getting possessive*

Adoption Agent: Well…hand him over…

Regina: ‘Hand him over’ he says….um…nope…mine!

Regina: And you trying to take my baby away from me! He deserves a mother that’ll isolate him so much he runs off and doesn’t want ANYONE but me near him!

Adoption Agent: Oh…this is worrisome.

Regina: See you!

Regina: Well Henry, ready to go to the home I’ll never let you leave?

Adoption Agent: About those home meetings….

Adoption Agent: Well, the mother changed her mind…whoops…

Adoption Agent: If you like, we have a variety of other babies that’ll sell like hotcakes that aren’t legal to own…

John: I can’t BELIEVE we had to play a couple!

Michael: And all for nothing

John: We could probably race down the stairs and tackle her before he leaves the elevator..

Michael: Now there’s a plan!

John: If we only knew what she looked like…

Michael: Grr!

Adoption Agent: I take it that’s a ‘no’ then?

*Is monologuing about how great he is and how they’re losers*

Emma: Look, can you shut up? I mean people will be coming for us?

Snow: *zoned out an hour ago*

Regina: What is this shame?

Pan: I’m not done! *Continues talking*

Pan: Oh man…I’m so great…holy crap…

Pan: If I could check myself out right now, I’d be like “hey you, you won everything!

Regina: Hey! That’s my sort of thinking!

Pan: I’m sorry, who are you?

Pan: *Rattles the box around*

Regina: You stop that! You’ll give little him a little headache!

Pan: *Rattles some more*

Emma: *Is worried* Stop it! You monster!

Regina: Hey! Stop tormenting them! It’s me that wants the attention!

Pan: I don’t…listen, your issues are like accessing the playground at recess time, it’s too easy and already there and there’s no challenge.

Regina: What issues?

Pan: *Voice breaks* What issues?! Did you just say that?

Pan: Look lady, I could lie down and make a snow pan in the amount of issues you have!

Pan: Hey Emma! How about those abandonment issues and then you abandoned your son?!

Snow: RAWR *Is hulking out*

Regina: OOOOOO! YOU MADE MARY MARGARET MAD!

Pan: Oh crap, the tree isn’t going to hold!

Pan: Um, just like your parents abandoned you!

Regina: You still have issues about that? “I” would be over it…and by over it, I mean either killing them or making someone kill them.

Emma: I’m really trying to ignore both of you…

Pan: *Doesn’t like being ignored*

Emma: *Is ignoring* When’s dinner? I’m starving…

Pan: What about you, peanut gallery? You got something you want to say?

Regina: Yeah, I know that there are two people here and I’ve ripped one away from the other for 28 years and kept trying to kill them over petty jealousy and misplaced anger but do I regret the real hurtful issues I’ve caused them? Noooope!

Regina: Ripping their lives apart got me her kid that I unapologetically and maliciously abused. It got me what I want so nope, I don’t feel any shame or any regret…in fact...I feel so less about that that the meter in my regret and shame gas take is running on empty!

Pan: Huh.

Regina: *Shrugs* I’m sympathetic!

Regina: * Punches him in the throat*

Regina: I got it!

Emma: You don’t regret anything you did to us or Henry?

Regina: Shut up! That’s not important!

Emma: How do we know that’s Henry’s heart?

Regina: I don’t know! But my psychotic tendencies saved the day! Yay!

Regina: What a great message that sends!

Felix: I get seasick! I’m just warning you!

Regina: Well! I did it! They were all sorts of useless…

Charming: Ugh, he was heavy, so I dragged him the ten miles…

Regina: Hope this was his heart…

Charming: Shouldn’t you be getting us out of here?!

Hook: But I wanna see!

Emma: Seriously kid, I know you’re milking it…

Henry: Okay, okay, I’m awake…

Charming: ZOMG he’s alive!

Hook: Did you guys leave Pan back there?

Regina: Hug me! *Is trying to inch him away from Emma*

Henry: I’m still in so much pain…

Henry: Wait, I’m still in my little body?!

Henry: why couldn’t you guys take Pan’s heart out?

Snow: D’awww! He’s still the same!

Archie: Why do I keep coming back here to be abused?

Archie: Is this your manipulations for bowling night so I’ll like you not want to beat you as hard as we do? Because it won’t work…

Regina: *Plan failed* I’m worried about his mother coming to take him away

Archie: I don’t see why she would...the tourism in this area is like…nonexistent…and if it was legal…

Regina: Not really but wasn’t it cute trying to watch the writers make it so?

Archie: Maybe you shouldn’t be so paranoid.

Regina: Maybe you....I don’t know...I got nothing…

Henry: Take me back!

Regina: Also he TALKS TO ME!

Archie: I don’t…hear…anything?

Archie: Well maybe some gurgles…

Regina: Oh…

Archie: Are you equipped for this?

Henry: Mwahahaha!

Regina: Totally!

Henry: Uh…lady, what’re you doing?

Regina: I just realized that this show told me a whole bunch of stuff that I’m not supposed to know at all in an effort to explain how I came about you!

Regina: So we’re going to do a reset button and make it look like it’s all about being noble.

Regina: I guess I could just like...take you and leave and find happiness elsewhere but that wouldn’t make you completely mine and I couldn’t have my revenge as long as I get it…

*Beams*

Regina: So…I’m going to make myself forget and hope that whatever I silence in all this won’t resurface since magic is supposed to be different and I keep finding out over and over and over.

Regina: Cause that would be awkward…

Regina: Man, hope I don’t gaslight you and try to kill all your loved ones too…because that would be even more awkward. Just imagine you trying to make friends after that.