102 - Thing You Love Most

*Clock Works*

Mary: Here we go, another morning spent eating by myself. Cold soggy cereal…and frosted flakes of all things. My life has no meaning except for the fact that….the clock works?

Emma: I did not sleep a wink, I can’t believe I forgot to buy some Lysol for these sheets…who knows that Regina and the sheriff have been doing in them…

Emma: Oh no…it wasn’t a dream…I’m still here!

*One of three characters that has a working vehicle!*

Archie: Hello sheriff!

Archie: Hello motivationally ambiguous character!

Mr. Gold: Hello Mr…Dalmatian person…who was that?

Ruby: Random pointless fanservice!

Henry: I stayed up all night watching that clock!

Regina: 28 years of ruling this town how did I NOT know that this book existed?! Or that my archenemy had it all this time?

Regina: Is that what my hair REALLY looked like back then?!

Regina: Well that just ruins my glare!

Regina: Tell me where the last few pages are or I’ll slam your head between these pages like a bug!

Henry: I don’t know *Looks sad*

               

Regina: Oh don’t act like that Henry, you know I love you!

Regina: Now tell me where the last few pages are or face meets book!

Henry: What’s that over there!

Regina: Over where?

*Runs*

Archie: Isn’t it exciting Regina?! I knew that if we just left it alone it’d randomly start working again! *bounces excitedly*

Archie: Now I won’t be accidently setting my watch to 8:15 all the time! With that great news in mind, I think I’m going to ask Emma on a date!

Regina: I forgot she existed or would be linked to this!

Regina: Hello *Smirk infinity*

Regina: Wanna hear some random facts about apples that establishes my character?

Emma: Wanna step back so I can slam the door without hitting you and having to pay for damages?

Regina: Wanna put on some pants?

Regina: I’ll make this abridged scene go by faster than the actual scene. If you don’t leave town I have no qualms about shoving these apples down your throat one by one.

Emma: I’m sure Henry won’t like the idea of mommy and mommy fighting! He might have to pick favorites and both you and I know who he will pick.

Emma: It’ll be me!

*Old scene*

Evil!Queen: Cool. New sword.

Obvious!Father: Would you like a drink?

Evil!Queen: Have you been standing around this WHOLE time with a drink waiting for me to show up?

Obvious!Father: Yes.

Evil!Queen: Well…I suppose just a sip then.

Mirror: Just the idea of my existence is creepy! Taking a bath? I’m watching you! Getting dressed? Definitely watching you!

Evil!Queen: That’s good. Turn to the Donald Trump channel please.

Mirror: But….why?! That doesn’t compute!

Evil!Queen: We all know he’s old enough to have lived in this time period. There's just something about that combover!

Evil!Queen: Or maybe I’ll do something equally brain melting and visit my bestie!

Mirror: Whew! Dodged that bullet!

Obvious!Father: You shouldn’t do what I think you’re about to do! Power is seductive!

Evil!Queen: I didn’t see you complaining when my powers got you every season of Matlock on DVD!

Evil!Queen: Fetch my carriage…even though I can teleport!

Evil!Queen: Who are you and what have you done to my bestie?

Maleficent: Whatever do you mean?! It is I…Maleficent

Evil!Queen: There is no way in blinking blue blazers that you are Maleficent.

Maleficent: I’m the politically correct Maleficent! Purple, blonde, fuzzy, cleavagealicious,  and my crown replaced the devil horns I had so as not to mentally scar children!

Maleficent: Also I like ponies.

Evil!Queen: Well…then I guess that you won’t be needing that dark curse anymore.

Maleficent: Step off, I never said I liked sharing!

Evil!Queen: Well then…looks like I’ll just have to take it.

*Pushes Maleficent down and takes it*

*The less I have to abridge the bastardized version of Maleficent the better.*

Maleficent: If you’re going to kill me…kill me…
*Actual Line*

Evil!Queen: Well now that I have your permission…

*Beats her to death with a staff*

Evil!Queen: You all know why you have been called here…we are gonna curse this place but good!

               

Blind!Witch: Where’s Maleficent?! I like it when she hosts the meetings! She gives us gift bags!

Evil!Queen:  No one wanted to see what she turned into. Trust me, you’ll be grateful you were blind.

Evil!Queen: In order for this to happen, I have gathered you all together for one thing. A lock of hair from the most vilest people in this entire world

Evil!Queen: So write your local state senators and ask for a lock of theirs!

Rumpelstiltskin: Why wasn’t I invited?

Evil!Queen: How did you get out of your cell?

Rumpelstiltskin: Through the door. Duh. Anyway, just letting you know that using a government official’s hair would overload the curse and make it so evil that the world would explode. So everyone here is going to have to do.

Evil!Queen: Fine…good thing none of you are bald!

Evil!Queen: And now the heart of my prized steed.

Evil!Queen: And by steed I mean Maleficent’s ugly pony.

*Worst smoke problem ever*

*Weirdest shot ever*

*Fizzles*

Evil!Queen: That was….disappointing…

Evil!Queen: Rumpie…you have some essplainin’ to do!

Regina: Oh yeah, this one looks like it’ll go down Emma’s gullet real good.

Sidney: I’m the magic mirror! I own the paper called the Daily Mirror. Because my name is Glass…Funny times all around!

Regina: Oh, you’re right that Photoshop software DID do wonders for her concussion eyes.

Sidney: Unfortunately when she hit the sign she didn’t activate Leroy’s C4 that we store in there for national emergencies but I’m quite satisfied with the finished product regardless. Does this mean we can upgrade this paper so that it doesn’t look like a High School failed attempt at a journalism final project?

Regina: We live in a small town Sidney. From what Google told me when we arrived here fresh from the curse, they’re SUPPOSED to look like that.

               

Emma: Photoshop did wonders for my concussion eyes!

Ruby: Someone thought that cinnamon hot chocolate would go great with that gigantic apple in your hand!

 *Creepy slasher smile*

Graham: *Whistles randomly*

Emma: If you’re hitting on me, I want you to know that I WILL pour this right in your lap

Graham: That would…That would be hot

Graham: And not in a good way

Emma: Well then maybe you should just drink it because your obvious attempt to flirt at me after throwing me in jail is SO not gonna work.

Henry: But I bought it for you!

Emma: Great: Now I have to drink it

Henry: Or I could’ve just wasted my money because now I want you walk me to school!

Henry: So, are you going to wear the same clothes for the next few days until you settle in because that…that could just get nasty

Emma: I haven’t thought that far ahead.

Henry: I know, I’ll let you borrow my mother’s clothes!

Emma: You think we’re the same size?!

Henry:  Well, maybe with a few nip and tucks

Emma: I barely fit into the clothes I have now!

Henry: Well you’ll need some extra room to hide the pages I ripped out of the book that Ms. Blanchard let me borrow from the public library.

Emma: You couldn’t just hide it?

Henry: I do have my wall safe but I imagine my mother would guess the combination…it’s “Down with the queen” in case you ever need access.

Emma: Yeah, I can guess how she’d figure that one out.

Emma: Have a good day at school Henry!

Emma: Oh no…

Mary: Bestie! You stayed! *SQUEES*

Emma: Just walk away, just walk away.

Mary: Move in with me! We can braid each other’s hair and talk late about guys and…

Mary: *Starts rambling*

 Emma: I’d rather date the therapist than hear this woman talk.

Mary: WHAT?!

Emma: Oh crap…did I say that out loud?

Emma: HELLO!

Archie: *Staggars up* Omigoshyou’rehere! I…I didn’t even get to clean yet…

Archie: are you here because you’re interested in this?

               

Emma: Tempting…but I’m gonna have to pass.

Archie: Or maybe you want…therapy…which would be my luck.

Emma: Actually, I want to talk about Henry.

Archie: Rejected again….

Archie: No matter though, I’m sure you’ll warm up to me.

Archie: Now onto your son…he’s a very troubled young boy. And by troubled I’m just playing nice by NOT saying he’s crazy. Calling him crazy will destroy his self esteem but calling him troubled is COMPLETELY okay.

Archie: Here’s his file…as you can see I’ve been treating him for a very long time…maybe we could talk about it…at dinner.

Emma: Isn’t someone taking files out of your office illegal?

Archie: I’m only doing it because you’re the only chance I have at getting married in this town.

Emma: Hm…

Archie: Only chance at getting at getting married in this town? Stupid! Stupid! Women don’t like adorkable! They like bad boys!

*Rings*

Archie: Hello?

Regina: From the multiple cameras I’ve set up in your office, I sense that you gave Emma my son’s files.

Archie: Uhhhhhh…..wrong number! Bye!

Regina: Archie, you’re on my speed dial.

Archie: Darn it.

Regina: It’s all going according to plan. *Smirk to the nth power*

Emma: He’s not a doctor! His handwriting is way too neat.

Graham: Hey you. *Is trying to look smoldering*

Emma: Is there something I can help you with?

Graham: According to Mr. Hopper you beat him with the clarinet in his office and made off with the files about Henry.

Graham: Mind if I come in? I think I smell strudels

Emma: I have…no idea how this got here.

Emma: Hey, now what are you doing?

Graham: Sorry about not having fuzzy ones but we lost them in the mayor’s bedroom….apprehending a criminal.

*Smirk Strut*

Mary: And what can you tell me about Pythagorean Theorem and how it relates to nature?!

Child 1: I’m in an ant bed!

Child 2: A squirrel made off with my snack!

Child 3: Archibald Hufferpuff snuck off when you were turning the page!

Regina: Keeping as much control as you ever do I see.

Regina: Will you please tell my son that his biological mother is in jail and me interrupting your class is the perfect way to get you two to meet again so you can post her bail?

Mary: *Gasps!* Not bestie!

Regina: Blah blah blah, I’m your real mother.

Henry: Blah blah blah, no you’re not.

Graham: Once again, PLEASE don’t make faces into the camera. Endless film is NOT on the budget.

Emma: Wanna see me stick out my tongue next?

Graham: Oh that was a gorgeous one. No wait, I just took a picture of me.

Henry: We’re here to pay bail!

Mary: Because I can just…cut out of class anytime I want.

Emma: Is school over?

Graham: Education doesn’t matter here. No one ever moves up a grade.

Emma: Excellent! Release me! I have more misdemeanors to cause while I’m here!

Graham: Whatever you say!

Regina: What is she doing?!

Emma: DDIIIIEEEEE!

*Now I’m no expert on this, but do branches that thick really fall in just a few seconds?*

Regina: What do you think you’re doing?! *Glare* *Glare* *Glare*

Emma: I’d be careful about what I would say to a woman with a chainsaw if I were you.

Emma: If you frame me up again, then I’ll take the chainsaw to you next. And by you, I mean the rest of your tree. Good thing you showed more emotion for that tree then you did for Henry or this would be a lot more awkward.  

Regina: *I don’t even know what that face is.

Obvious!Father:  You know…everyone left a couple of hours ago.
Evil!Queen: The Curse will happen soon! It’s…it’s just a...it’s just a slow start.



Obvious!Father: I should remind you that power is seductive and evil and you’re going down a dark and dangerous path!



Evil!Queen: You’re telling me this NOW?!



Obvious!Father:  Granted it’s a bit of a slow, but I’m sure you can redeem yourself.



Evil!Queen: I’ve sent innocent children to their deaths!



Obvious!Father: Well…uh…I’m sure there’s some redemption…in there somewhere.



Evil!Queen: Nevertheless, I am going to stand here and WAIT for the curse to work.



Obvious!Father: Or maybe you should see the one that gave the curse to you



Evil!Queen: *Rolls Eyes* The more you’re ambiguous about this to the audience the quicker they are to figure it out.







Rumpelstiltskin: Aw, a rat how VERY fitting.



Evil!Queen: Have I been in THIS form for months? I guess we’ll never know.



Rumpelstiltskin: Oh you finally showed up for our date! I’m SO thrilled! In fact if I could grow a mustache I’d be twirling it right now.



Evil!Queen: Like what you’ve done with the place.



Rumpelstiltskin: I’m stuck in here staring at phallic symbols for bars all day, do you want to cut to the chase?



Rumpelstiltskin: Because when compared to you…that’s STILL more fun



Rumpelstiltskin: How about a kiss?



Evil!Queen: Can you reach this far?
Rumpelstiltskin:  Ooooo, that’s cold.







Rumpelstiltskin: So, how’s the cursing going.






Evil!Queen: It might’ve…fizzled.



Rumpelstiltskin: Sounds a lot like your dating life. But I wouldn’t know, I don’t have that problem



Evil!Queen: TMI



Rumpelstiltskin: I suppose you want to know what went wrong.



Evil!Queen: You think I’m here to stare at you as if I’m staring at the sun? 


 
Evil!Queen: Oh tell me you didn’t take that seriously.



Rumpelstiltskin: Your attempts not to flirt only speak of how much you want to.



Rumpelstiltskin: I’m quite a catch you know!



Evil!Queen: Thomas and Cinderella certainly thought so!



Rumpelstiltskin:  Ah, you’re VERY sassy today. I think I like it.



*Is plotting his next line*



Rumpelstiltskin: I’ll like it even more when Snow and Charming’s daughter comes to the town to save us all and she’s as snarky and sassy as determined as you are.  



Evil!Queen: No way Snow will have a baby. Do you honestly think Charming could get it done?



Rumpelstiltskin: Well, I didn’t think so either but I guess the world is full of surprises.



Evil!Queen: *Giggles*



Evil!Queen: Oh wait, I’m supposed to be serious.



Rumpelstiltskin: I’m glad you’re here by the way, I think I feel a deal coming on.



Evil!Queen: I need to know what went wrong. I used the heart of Maleficent’s pony but it didn’t work!



Rumpelstiltskin: YOU DID WHAT?! I bought her that as an engagement gift! Now I can’t return it and get a full refund!



Evil!Queen: It’s not my fault! It was a unicorn pony! I thought it was evil enough to start the curse just by itself!



Rumpelstiltskin: No Evil!Queen. Ponies are evil, Unicorn ponies are more evil, but My Little Pony is the supreme evil and only THOSE hearts can start curses. I TOLD you all of this in How to Cast an Evil Curse without going to the Creator for Help 101!  



Evil!Queen: Must have been sick that day. How do I fix it?


         
Rumpelstiltskin: Does that mean we’re dealin’?



Evil!Queen: Are you gonna kiss me or what because I have some new mace that I’ve been meaning to try out…
Rumpelstiltskin: I wouldn’t dare. I have a little thing called integrity.



Rumpelstiltskin: When we get to this new land that the curse is gonna send us to, I want some changes done. I want to be Scottish again! I want dental! And nice suits! Also a pinkish house….don’t judge me on that last one



Evil!Queen: You done?



Rumpelstiltskin: Also when we get to this new land I want to be 6’5 and buff!



Evil!Queen: Well then I suggest you start prayer because I can’t work miracles!



Rumpelstiltskin: You need to kill the thing you love most! And if you as an audience haven’t figured that one out yet then I’ll give you a hint. It’s a character we know here but haven’t seen in Storybrooke, and if you haven’t figured that out yet then shame on you!



Evil!Queen: Can we skip to the second most thing I love?



Rumpelstiltskin: Wait a minute, we HATE each other! Why are you trusting me all of a sudden about a curse that you think is going to only benefit you and that you think only you will remember?



Evil!Queen: That is…SO beside the point!



*Storms off*



Graham: I thought you had to pick apples! I didn’t know the tree just spit them out when they were ripe!



Regina: What do you want, Graham.



Graham: Just letting you know that in an attempt to get back at you, not only has she cut down your tree but Emma’s also robbed three banks that you expressed a liking to.



Graham: And then she got bored with that and saw your favorite restaurant and thought that might’ve been a good idea to burn down. I must say that she’s got quite the creative streak in her. I’d arrest her but she promised me a cut of the payout.



Graham: And I know that you’d probably rub it in Henry’s face so I decided not to arrest her. I guess it’s MUCH better to have his adopted mother and biological mother out and about fighting over him.



Regina: She is not his mother! I am!



Graham: Is this going to be a regular argument of yours because I’m already bored hearing it.



Graham: Now how do you like THEM apples?






Graham: Please don’t hurt me.



Emma: REALLY?!






Regina: Suddenly it’s not quite so funny happening to you now is it?



Emma: How did you get this number?



Regina: Does it even matter in the end?



Emma: And why are you putting a boot on my only transportation out of here if you want me out of town?



Regina: Never mind about that, I think we should meet so that I can trick you…I mean talk to you.



Emma: Can I bring the chainsaw?
 Regina: Only if I bring the shotgun!



Regina: Now about our Henry situation….



Emma: Merciful heavens, what is UP with this wallpaper?



Regina: Oh, Mr. Gold decorated the room in exchange for my adoption of Henry. I’m beginning to think that he MIGHT know more than what he’s letting on.



Emma: I feel…dizzy and nauseated just looking at it. I think I’m going blind and I’m gonna get lost in the room…and I have a headache. From wallpaper! What were you thinking!?!



Regina: About our HENRY situation!



Emma: Yeah listen, I have absolutely NO WISH to stay in this town any longer than I have to. Everyone here is either creepy, crazy, evil, or Pongo.



Regina: Hm…Is that so? Hope Henry doesn’t COME IN HERE right now.



Emma: I just want to make sure that Henry isn’t going to follow me home. I don’t have the gas money to keep cleaning up your mess every time he jacks a credit card and hops on a bus. You might wanna do something about that by the way…that’s  not the sign of a healthy mind.



Henry: You don’t think I have a healthy mind?!



Emma: At least I didn’t say crazy! Henry come back!



Regina: I honestly can’t believe you fell for that. You’re really gullible Ms. Swan…you’re kind of an idiot actually.



Emma: Yeah well….You haven’t seen anything yet!



Regina: Looking forward to it!



*Smirk sprawl*



Mirror: Hey, I’ve been meaning to ask you if we can get some light bulbs put in here.



Obvious!Father: Did you leave to go to the prison wearing THAT?!



Evil!Queen: Shut up!



Obvious!Father: You know how Rumpelstiltskin is!
Evil!Queen: Vengeful, power hungry, personal space invader, and all of a sudden helpful…yeah I know how he is.



Obvious!Father: So…what’d he say?



Evil!Queen: I have to kill the thing I love most apparently.



Obvious!Father: Oh…well then…do I have time to make my will out?



Evil!Queen: That’s awful presumptuous of you daddy! I never said it'd be you!



Obvious!Father: Well the thing you love is your tree and since it doesn’t have a heart I suppose I’m next in line.



Evil!Queen: Yeah, that’s what I figured too.



Obvious!Father: I should warn you though that I AM the only servant you have left that you haven’t manipulated into the slaughter yet.



Obvious!Father: And it HAS been awhile since Snow White has sent assassins to try and kill or capture you. Maybe this is a sign for us to start over.



Evil!Queen: But Snow did something that’s somehow supposed to explain why I am what I am! I can’t let her get away with that!



Obvious!Father: And then there’s that whole unwillingness to give up your power.



Evil!Queen: Yeah. That too.



*Stabs*



Mary: Who on Earth would want to knock on my door at this time of night? Or at any time of any place?



Emma: I need a bestie

.
Mary: I was starting to think that I creeped you out
Emma: Well yeah, but Mr. Gold looks at me like the creepy guy that stares at you on the bus, so I thought that you’d be a better candidate



Emma: Also I’ll pay you.



Mary: Come on in!



Emma: *Sniffles* And then she booted my car, and set me up, and set up a meeting with Henry so that he’d overhear me conveniently as I called him crazy and-



Mary: You FELL for that?



Emma: I thought you were supposed to be listening and not talking.



Emma: How does a teacher like you afford a place like this.



Mary: I live above Mr. Gold’s pawnshop. He lets me live here for a discount as long as I keep the heavy partying down. He had a problem with Archie doing that. But as you can tell by this one corner with the four lamps though the electric bill’s a pain.



Mary: Living above Mr. Gold’s shop might explain a LOT about my self esteem issues.



Emma: I feel your agony. I think I lost years worth of therapy just talking to the ice queen in one conversation.”



Mary: None of us can take her out by ourselves…but maybe with the power of our friendship we can work together and get her removed from power once and for all and if we’re really clever about it then no one will EVER see her again!



Emma: If you’d said that earlier I would’ve been freaked out but I’m REALLY starting to get on board with that idea now.



Mary: *Giggles*



Archie: So…that umbrella is a good luck charm of mine
Henry:……
Archie: I would like it back soon.
Henry: ….
Archie:….And by soon I mean now.



Emma: Hey, glad you’re talking to my kid and not anyone else’s because this would be awkward for me to burst in right after knocking out your secretary .



Archie: I am SO sorry about what happened today. I tried to refuse but the mayor glared into the phone and…alas none of us are immune to that



Emma: Yeah yeah.
Archie: *Sad sigh*



Emma: Henry I have something to tell you. Without a doubt I believe that you are insane. But that’s alright because unlike your adopted mother I accept you for the way you are.



Henry: But you don’t believe!



Emma: But I am more than happy to play along with this little game because if there’s anything I feel for you it’s pity. Lots and lots of pity. So I’m going to tell you that I read the last few pages even though I don’t think it added anything to the plot that Regina didn’t already know and we’re going to burn it anyway!



Archie: You hear that Henry? Burning things always makes you feel better.



*Is starting to feel happy*



Emma: And luckily the fireplace is burning we can just destroy the pages right here!



Henry: I LOVE family bonding!



Emma: No Henry, you love family bonding over destroying things.



Henry: That’s right!



Evil!Queen: So…did I have to go back and get everyone’s hair again or did I just go down to the bottom of this curse and click ‘save as draft’



*So burning hearts causes a horrible smoke problem at your campfire. Everyone should take note of that.*



Evil!Queen: Why did I bury you among rocks?



Evil!Queen: Oh Well. I love you daddy



Do the Roar Kid: I Luhv You Daddah!



Regina: It’s okay Lilibeth, no one’s ever gonna hurt you again.



Mr. Gold: You know I never did like that branch. I was thinking about cutting down that branch myself. And then I was thinking about burning it down whenever you let your guard down.



Regina: Well luckily someone beat you to it. And luckily she’s gone now.



Mr. Gold: *Stifles his Rumpelstiltskin giggle* That’s what you think.



Regina: Say what?



Mr. Gold: I saw her, your boy, and Archie all having dinner. Archie was beside himself with glee. He was calling it a family night.



Mr. Gold: He texted me about an engagement ring. I told him he might want to wait until the third date to propose. We’re not a Disney movie.



Regina: How did you and Archie come to be best friends anyway?
Mr. Gold: How couldn’t I? He’s so adorable. I think he also might be making wedding plans. He asked me to walk Emma down the aisle and to be his best man. Henry can even be ring boy!



Regina: What do you want?



Mr. Gold: Oh nothing, I was on my way to pick up Granny for a date and I remembered that I wasn’t in this episode for more than five seconds and I needed to stop by to refill my gloating meter.



Regina: Well you’ve come to the wrong place.



Mr. Gold: Did I mention that she’s considering staying?



Regina: Stupid staying *glares*



Mr. Gold: You could always just have come to me if you had a problem with Ms. Swan. I would’ve been more than happy to have dealt with her…if you know what I mean.



Regina: You know, there is NO possible way you can make that sound any more suggestive.



Mr. Gold: Well I could do it. Wanna know the difference between my dates and your dates? They don’t say no!



*Is trying not to imagine Mr. Gold with his dates*



Regina: That line of talking gives me reason to believe that you have some idea of what happened to us before.



Mr. Gold: I totally don’t know what you’re talking about. I don’t remember anything about any other places we’ve been together at any other time except in the world we live in now.



*Not-so-innocent creepy smirk*



Regina: I just remembered that you had something to do with Henry’s adoption!



Mr. Gold: Are you suggesting that I might’ve had some more nefarious purpose in mind when I tracked your kid down?



Mr. Gold: Whatever would give you that idea?
Regina: How have I NOT figured out that you remember everything for all these years? Subtlety isn’t exactly your strong suit.



Mr. Gold: Well I think that says far more about you then it does about me!



Mr. Gold: Lovely apples by the way.



Regina: Wait a minute, what was he trying to say?



Mr. Gold: *Chokes* Augh! Worm! *Throws Apple over shoulder*

The End