Red: Like…all my mad skills and absolutely everyone insists I be a guard dog!
Charming: And then we’re gonna SMASH the troops! OOOOO, that hurt!
Red: Like…who on earth are THESE guys? Are you bestieing behind my back?!
Charming: Oh my gosh, I did NOT realize these people were here. Just where DID you come from anyway?
Red: This is why I should’ve totally been the leader
Red: Anyway, as I was dodging guards because we all know that that I am NOT dressed for this kind of outdoorsing, I heard that there was a find hunk of man hanging out on King George’s side. Oh, and he’s pretty good at beating people up. I don’t know, I threw a rock at his helmet and ran for it.
Red: Also when I threw that rock at Lancelot they TOTALLY knew it was me because we dated in high school and I sort of did the same thing to him when he broke up and he was at football practice and they tracked me here.
Charming: *Gasp!* Who put that arrow there?!
Random Guy on Left: Are they firing arrows at the insides of the tent and just hoping for the best?
Charming: *Is annoyed* That would be ridiculous.
Charming: Hey honey, I know that all hands are required on deck right now and you’re an excellent shot but….can you go tell my mom that she didn’t pack a note with my lunch and I miss that?
Charming: Also tell her that those Snickerdoodles were fantastic. But don’t tell her I ate them first. She…she hates that.
Lancelot: I can’t see in this thing!
Gordy the Guard: Nice to know you two are getting closer while we’re GETTING SLAUGHTERED TWO FEET AWAY!
Snow: *Is humming happily to herself at the luck she had to escape the battle*
Snow: *Is slapped by a tree branch*
Lancelot: I can NOT believe you walked into that. I was even certain you saw me behind a tree giggling.
Snow: How did you find me?!
Lancelot: You’re in a bright white outfit lady, it’s not that hard.
Lancelot: You know, I’m surprised that you’re not putting up much of a fight right now. You took down a guy in WAY less armor than I’m wearing and you were just a princess at the time.
Snow: Zzzz Kill Kathryn. Zzzzz Kill Rumpelstiltskin before he gets to touch my daughter and corrupt my grandson. Zzzz Kill Regina…
Cora: She’s a bit more manic than I remember…far less evil too.
Emma: I wish I remember a time when Mary Momgret WASN’T manic.
Cora: I can’t believe they called me out before I got done with my morning bubble bath.
Emma: Well, at least I’m getting the sunroof I always wanted.
Cora: I’m Regina’s mom by the way. They’re sort of pissy with me about that and NOT because I make frequent attempts to kill them all.
Emma: Oh, I’m Emma. I’m Regina’s enemy, Snow White’s daughter, Rumpelstiltskin’s fiancé, and the mother of the boy that Regina adopted. Don’t ask me my I’m telling you this. But you creep me out and Mary Momgret creeps me out and I figure that I can trust her so I can trust you.
Cora: Sucker.
Emma: Huh?
Cora: I uh- I said Smuckers….because I’m hungry.
Cora: *Hopes she bought it*
Emma: Oh! Me too!
Cora: Wow, really?
Emma: Hey! I think if we form a human tower then we can get out! You be on bottom okay!?
Cora: *Stifles evil smile*
Snow: Um….guys? What did I Miss?
Cora: Hello Snow! I know it’s been over ten years at least since I saw you last but my memory is PERFECT…and they casted a kid that looks exactly like you so that helped too.
Snow: Emma, we’re dead and in hell!
Emma: Oh Momgret, I used to say that every time I woke up in Storybrooke.
Snow: But Cora is eeeevvvillll. And I’m only going off the word of Regina and she’s NEVER lied in the past. Okay, maybe a little but then I looked at Cora and she might have a point.
Emma: Ehh, I don’t see it.
Cora: Family reunion hugs!
Emma: Okay!
Snow: NOPE!
Emma: Mary Momgret, what are you doing? She’s like your step grandma! Normally you’re all into glomping anything with arms! You freaked Gold out so bad that one time you did it to him!
*Puppy eyes*
*Staredown*
*Staredown*
Emma: Mary Momgret, you’re stepping on my toe.
Snow: Do NOT make me turn this pit around young lady!
Survivor: Hey, hope you passed rope climbing in gym!
Emma: There IS a door you know.
Snow: *Pinches daughter to be quiet*
Cora: Crazies.
Henry: So, when are we getting this whole ‘giant hole in the road’ thing taken care of?
Charming: Eh, I don’t know. Everyone’s arguing about whose responsible when they piled on explosives there and tried to blow up Waldo as he flew by.
Charming: Now things are gonna change Henry. You’re actually going to go to school more than just once a week.
Henry: Sure, why not?
Henry: Grandpa! That’s the short bus!
Charming: Yep, and if I find out about you skipping school then you’re going to keep riding it.
Henry: *Is being devious* Maybe the bus will disappear, did you ever think about that?
Henry: Wait, why do I need the bus anyway? School’s like…down the street!
Charming: Now young man, don’t question the logic of me or this show.
*Henry!Glare*
Charming: Henry, you should know that any attempts to look angry have no effect on someone like me to notice.
Charming: Now how about giving grandpa a kiss goodbye?!
Henry: *Ultra Henry!Glare*
Henry: Goofball. You should know that any attempts at affection have no place in Henry Gold’s heart!
Henry: *Walks off*
Charming: *Is sad* Well….okay…have a good day then!
Charming: Sometimes I think he’s normal but then I wake up to find him hovering over me watching me as I sleep and then I feel sad because I’m beginning to understand Emma’s conundrum when she came to this town.
Henry: He’s gone! Time to get educated by my stepdad!
Bus Driver: Hey you kid! You’re going the opposite way! Oh…wait, it’s Henry. I forgot who I was talking to.
Charming: Doop dee doo!
Snow: Emma, if you keep opening your mouth about what you know, I SWEAR I’m going to tell your father when we get home!
Emma: But Mary MOMGRET!
Snow: Don’t Mary Momgret ME young lady!
Emma: Okay, I fought a dragon with ALMOST my bare hands. I think I can take down a few village people if we need to.
Snow: Yeah, because that worked out GREAT the last time we tried it!
Lancelot: This had better be good! I was doing my hair!
Snow: Lancie?
Lancelot: Snowbot?
*Are running to each other in slow motion*
Snow: Your armor nearly knocked the wind out of me!
Snow: Emma, this man was ALMOST your father!
Snow: *Squees*
Lancelot: *Squees*
Emma: *Doesn’t want to imagine ANYONE with her mom.*
Lancelot: You haven’t aged a day! It feels like we just met two minutes ago!
Snow: He’s SOOO sweet like that!
Aurora: Hey Mulan, want to hunt for more birds to shove down my cloak?
Mulan: I can’t. I just perfectly brushed my hair
Aurora: I’m still pissed about that whole wraith thing too!
Mulan: Yeah, well way to decide to do something about Philip’s sacrifice in the village full of people and not on the way here with no eyewitnesses!
Aurora: If I wasn’t such a princess, I’d mutter not so nice things about you under my breath.
Mulan: And I would kill you. A lot.
Aurora: *Bored glare*
Mulan: *Seething glare*
Snow: And then Charming was like…this wimpy guy! And for some reason my other half fell in love with him…and you should’ve seen me in the other world, Lancie! I was TOTALLY crazy! Okay, I’m sort of glad you didn’t now that I think about it.
Aurora: Heh, Tweety has NO chance. And where did I get this knife from?
Snow: Eat up bestie!daughter!
Emma: *Is dry heaving right there *
Lancelot: Now don’t play with your food or you don’t get dessert.
Emma: But I don’t WANNA eat this! I wanted hamburgers!
Snow: Ignore her. She’s been in a pissy mood since she woke up here for some odd reason.
Lancelot: So you’re gonna run off and find the wardrobe that brought you here? I’ll have to admit, it’s gonna seem pretty…dead without you.
Snow: We’ve only been here for five minutes…how can it liven up that quickly?
Emma: This smells like neither sugar, nor liquor, nor caffeine. What sort of trickery is it?
Lancelot: Water.
Emma: *Nearly gags*
Snow: And I have my family, and my class, and my town, and Regina to get back to and torment! Oh Lancie, I’m so glad I can trust you so much that I don’t give out any of their names!
Snow: *Is being devious* I CAN trust you…can’t I, Lancie? *Stare*
*Stare*
Snow: *Stare*
Emma: *Belches*
Snow: EMMA!
Emma: What?! It snuck up on me.
Snow: *Stare* Your lying ability would come in handy real good right now, Emma.
Emma: Look, I’m BUSY!
Lancelot: Um…Check ,please!
Lancelot: Mulan will guide you wherever you need to go!
Mulan: Yeah let’s only leave one warrior in town…
Snow: Sure! The girl who gave us rope burn and nearly pulled our arms out of our sockets! What a great idea!
Snow: I shall NEVER tell you where my boyfriend…wait, what are you doing?
George: Pretending I have a gun. *Hums “Shaft” theme*
Snow: *Is annoyed* I’ll NEVER tell you where my boyfriend is!
George: He’s at the cabin, isn't he?
Snow: He- Yeah.
George: I've known about your trampy cabin for a while now, considering it was my home away from home. Charming sent me a letter asking if he could use it for ‘parties’ and ‘planning big events’. I wouldn’t have thought much of it but then I remembered that this was after he betrayed me.
George: Seriously, that’s the guy you’re marrying.
Snow: He’s noble and brave and he has kissable lips. I deal.
Snow: So….when shall I expect to be beheaded?
George: It was something that I considered, but most of my guards don’t want to lug my throne all the way down there again and then I looked on “WeAreEvilVilliansMwaHaHa.com” and realized that Regina was ahead of me on the leaderboards of “Most Convoluted Plan as Opposed to Something Simpler and more Conveniently Permanent” and I decided that this was my chance to beat her.
George: I’m going to tell you my life story.
Snow: ….
Lancelot: …..
Snow: I think I’d rather take the beheading.
Lancelot: I'll join you.
Lancelot: I'll join you.
George: Once Upon A Time there was a hot smexy new prince in the land that was the envy of every man around. He wore tight pants, half unbuttoned shirt, and his body was RIPPED. He put Fabio to shame.
George: But he only had eyes for one woman. Her name was Zola and I loved her. She was my true love, my ball of fire. I was going to marry Zola….
Snow: Oh, I see…
George: But then that stupid tramp Zola left town and I had to marry my wife.
Snow: *Suppresses inappropriate laughter*
George: And if that wasn't bad enough, I had to deal with Rumpelstiltskin and she ran off with HIM!
Snow: Yeah, he’s quite seductive. I dated him in college.
Lancelot: *Gags*
Snow: We were all young once.
George: And THEN I had a son. For all his flaws, Rumpelstiltskin actually DID do something right when he picked him to be adopted. And we called him George Jr. But everyone else said he looked like a James…..and he was just like me. Practically perfect in every way except for that whole ‘not dying’ part.
Snow: *Is zoned out* So do I know the truth about Charming’s pauper status? Or am I just assuming he’s an illegitimate son of a king and his mother?
Lancelot: *Can’t believe he turned down hanging out with Frederic and Abigail for this*
George: And then when he died I had to deal with your boyfriend. Do you know what a PAIN he is? Trying to form a relationship with me when he got here, calling me ‘daddy’ and saying he loved me…on the first day! And he wasn’t being sarcastic like I was when I said I loved him too. I think he actually meant it!
George: And then he does ONE thing right and Midas goes and springs it on me that he wants our kingdoms united. I mean Charming fought a dragon, right? Being married isn’t that different…but does he want to do what I Tell him to? Oh noooo, he wants to run off with the first woman he sees and starts a rebellion just because I tried to kill him a couple of times for his naughty deeds.
Snow: Hmm. I wonder if he’s stalling for something…
George: Also that cup is cursed, kind of like with my barren wife. I guess it’s extremely complicated, but he has to know my pain or something….even though I seemed pretty content with the adopted kid I had.
Snow: ….
Snow: ?
Lancelot: You know…Snow has escaped one solitary guard and this castle before….I really wished I thought about putting more guards in here…
*Is NOT water*
George: I honestly can NOT believe you fell for that. Seriously, if I knew it was going to be that easy, I would’ve just had someone put a cup in your tent and when you drank it would’ve said ‘ha ha, you’re barren’ on the bottom of it…which is a pretty good idea actually.
*Is channeling her evil looks side*
George: Hey now, there’s no cause for that face!
Emma: So…you keep all the weapons in one place?
Mulan: Yeah, when Lancelot stepped on a rake and it shot up and the knife that was embedded on the rake flew at his eye…he insisted we lock it up. Or at least that’s what he says happened.
Snow: DIBS ON THE BOW!
Mulan: And if any of you mess up then I’ll pump you so full of lead that-
Emma: Princess Emma demands her gun.
Mulan: you’ll…what?
Emma: Man, it’s good to be royalty!
Emma: So I read somewhere that we’re going to have to go through Ogre territory. I’m guessing from the way all the darts were embedded on the map, that they’re NOT all like Shrek.
Mulan: Yeah, they’re kind of vicious which is why we’re bringing Aurora along for bait.
Emma: Hearing her yammer about Philip for the three days that we were traveling, I am SO game for that.
Snow: Alright Emma, I know that you’re a bit miffed and you and Aurora detest each other, but you can’t go agreeing to let her be bait at random, okay? We have to save her for something special.
Emma: You don’t understand what I’m about at ALL Mary Momgret. If you cared, then you’d listen to me and what I wanted. I’ll do what you say when it comes to Aurora but if she gets in the way of someone I am NOT moving her out of the way.
Emma: I mean she kept asking us what our preferred method of execution was! Who does that?!
Snow: I used to scream it when I was mad at the dwarves quite a few times.
Emma: *Doesn’t know what to say*
Snow: Fortunately “Snow White and the Seven Dead Dwarves” didn’t have as good a ring to it.
Jefferson: Aw, my hair. I miss you, beloved hair.
Jefferson: What on Earth did she draw me wearing though? That clashes with my entire skin tone!
Henry: So what are you plans for you and my mom?
Jefferson: Henry, I’m not answering that because I’m quite confidant I’m still #3 on those you want with your mother. What I plan to do with your mother isn’t fit for the ears of little children.
Henry: I know this is going to be awkward, but can you tell Paige that I don’t want to go out with her anymore?
Jefferson: No! She freaks me out!
Henry: Listen, she’s talking to me about marriage plans! I’m not ready for commitment; I haven’t even hit puberty yet! My stepdad’s house is getting crowded as it is!
Jefferson: D’aw! Henry, you could always come live with me as long as you don’t bring Grace with you.
Henry: Darn, your house is awesome…but I really want that balcony room…
Henry: Oh wait, she told me to use my connections in this town to find you. I don’t tell her that my connection is currently listening to his new girlfriend sing about books and so I had to hack into satellite imaging to find you and track your movement for the past three weeks.
Jefferson: Henry! That’s illegal!
Henry: Yeah, let's talk about legality "Storybrooke's 3rd most wanted"
Henry: Yeah, let's talk about legality "Storybrooke's 3rd most wanted"
Henry: Hey! What’s that?
Jefferson: My breakup letter to myself because I may or may not have a hot date with Red and I don’t believe in cheating. Go home Henry.
Henry: Why are you shipping yourself with Red? Everyone KNOWS that she’s totally gonna date Archie. I even set up two separate explosions in their cars and followed their schedules so that I could activate the explosion and they’d crash into each other and fall in love.
Jefferson: Rotten Archie gets all the girls that slip through the cracks *Fumes*
Henry: Whoa, whoa, whoa. Alright, I’ll compromise. I’ll match you with Red if you reunite with your creepy daughter and distract her so that I have time to get with Gretel.
Henry: If not, then talk to the hand because I’ll give Grace your address anyway.
Jefferson: Are you mad?! I’m trying to avoid all the drama that you crazies are involving me in! I know Captain America for heaven’s sake!
Henry: First of all, this really hurts! *Squeezes* Let’s see how you like it!
Jefferson: Ow! Geez! Where do you keep that strength?
Henry: Oh, I am RIPPED.
Jefferson: I’d believe it.
Henry: Do you seriously know Captain America?
Jefferson: Eh…-ish.
Henry: Okay, just for that, you moved above Archie in my chart of “Men I want with my Mom.
Jefferson: YES!
Jefferson: Wait, you mean Emma right?
Regina: What a terrible time to forget the places I hid all my victims.
Regina: Ugh, it’s Rumpelstiltskin. What does he want?
Rumpelstiltskin: Hey Regina! How many apples does it take to kill Snow White?
Belle: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHA
Regina: I hate both of you.
Regina: Seriously, I’m trying to suddenly be a good guy here!
Belle: That’s even better than the ‘why’d the chicken cross the road?’ joke!
Rumpelstiltskin: *Giggles*
*IS fake crying to make them feel bad.*
*Both laugh harder*
Regina: Hey Belle, how many straightjackets does it take to bind a princess?
Regina: *Is confidant she won*
Regina: Well, time to leave before they decide the punchline is his fist against my face.
Henry: Good on my beloved stepdaddy! He always helps me out no matter how crazy the task! I can’t believe she doesn’t even try to hide these keys anymore when she has to know that I steal them every other day.
Mulan: Come on, girls keep up. I’m dressed in armor and I’m walking faster than you!
Snow: I didn’t wear the proper shoes!
Emma: I’m beating up Aurora every time your back is turned!
Emma: Hey, is there any chance that there might be a creepy or crazy hot guy around here that the fans will automatically ship me with? Because I gotta say…I’m pretty man deprived here lately.
Mulan: *Misses Shang*
Snow: Everyone’s man deprived here Emma!
Emma: Listen, you got an affair storyline and Aurora got to stick her tongue down Philip's throat more times in one episode than I have to any man all last season. I’ve fought dragons, and raised the near dead and fallen down portals and been taken prisoner now I have to go find the place that you shoved me into and hoped for the best. Pardon me if I’d like at least a hug from a pretty man.
Snow: Emma, the closest thing we have is Ogres, but I wouldn’t recommend you hugging THEM!
Emma: Oh stop, one has to be like Shrek!
Snow: UGH! Emma I’m having caffeine withdrawals, I don’t have time for this.
Emma: What?
Snow: Hey guys! My new outfit!
Snow: And give me back my wallet!
Snow: So, did we win the last battle or…..?
Lancelot: On the road again! I can’t wait to get on the road again.
Snow: I’m so glad that Knight Head T-Ball tournaments were part of my childhood!
Lancelot: I fell on my keys!
Snow: Knight Fence setting was also part of my childhood!
Lancelot: Please don’t kill me! I can’t even move in this thing so it wouldn’t be a fair fight!
Lancelot: George knows about your cabin in the woods!
Snow: What?!
Lancelot: Oh crap, there’s really a cabin that you’re hiding Charming’s mother in?! I was just making that up to keep you from stabbing me!
Charming: Oh, we were brutally slaughtered, but at least I made time to see my mommy.
*So glad to know the writers FINALLY remembered that Charming had a mother*
Ruth: Oh son, I’m so glad that you’re here. You missed your stepfather yesterday. I think you might be expecting a little brother by the end of next year!
Charming: Why is Snow not here yet and how come I don’t seem worried?
Charming: Mother, I request my football.
Ruth: *Doesn’t want to tell him that she ran it over when backing out of the driveway* It ran away.
Charming: Mom, you’re off your meds again. Everyone knows that balls don’t run, they roll. Go in the house while I deal with the people looking for your head on a platter.
Charming: Frank.
Frank: Hey Charming!
Charming: Lloyd.
Lloyd: Hey Charming.
Random Guard: I was out in the outhouse! What did I miss?!
*Scratches back*
Charming: It’s high time I finally open up a can of whoop bottom! I would say other things than ‘bottom’ but my mother is listening.
Charming: Become more evil than the people whose lives I take, my BACKSIDE!
Ruth: I used to be an adventurer…till I took an arrow to the chest.
Charming: Mommy!
Ruth: Move out of the way, Charming, I can’t see your handiwork and be proud!
Charming: Mommy! *Shoves down* You’re hurt! Quick! I’ll perform CPR!
Ruth: Oh, this is gonna be so gross *Prepares for mouth-to-mouth*
Charming: On second thought, maybe it can wait….
Snow: How did we get here so fast?!
Lancelot: Seriously, Charming probably fought a battle, rallied everyone up, and then came here. I took his girlfriend to his fake father’s house, followed them BACK to the old campsite, gained her trust, and followed her back here JUST as he arrived.
Charming: Who is THIS?!
Snow: Oh, he turned to our side the minute the guy that everyone knows as corrupt did something corrupt.
Lancelot: Also, Snowie pays more.
Snow: Oh Lance!
Ruth: Aw, they make such a cute couple!
Charming: Mom, that’s MY girlfriend!
Snow: Well, it’s not much, but it should be enough to burn Mulan and Aurora at the stake if they try anything.
Aurora: WHAT?!
Snow: Augh! You weren’t supposed to hear that!
*Are fighting in a cloud of dust*
Aurora: Aw, I wish I’d loosened my corset before I started fighting!
Snow: Listen cupcakes, Waldo coming here wasn’t our fault! Okay, it was if you think about it. Maybe letting it soul suck Regina wasn’t a complete and total bad idea if we’d known this would be the consequence. I should’ve let him mark Kathryn too now that I think about it. Oh wait, that’s my Mary Margaret side coming out again, Kathryn’s no threat to me. Hopefully. I better not come home and see her face. JUST in case. Hey, that rhymed!
*Zoned out ten minutes ago*
Mulan: Leave you two alone for FIVE MINUTES!
Emma: HEY! I’ve been having a REALLY hard day and I can’t see any of you clearly because it’s in the dead of night so if you’re my mom, please let me know which one you are!
Mulan: *Is being overexxagerated* WHAT did we just get done telling you?!
Snow: EMMA! BE QUIET, YOU’RE GONNA WAKE THE OGRES!
Shrek: Now ogres, oh, they're much worse! They'll make a suit from your freshly peeled skin; they'll shave your liver; squeeze the jelly from your eyes! Actually, it's quite good on toast.
Emma: ?
Snow: Well, I’m gone!
Emma: Wait for me!
Mulan: *Tramples on Aurora*
Mulan: Split up! For some reason it’s our only hope!
Emma: All we have to do is outrun you!
Mulan: Hurry Aurora, you stay in the clearing and draw them out!
Aurora: So we can shoot them, right?
Mulan: Eh…sure why not?
Snow: Awesome! We ditched them! On with our journey!
*Is being Charming*
*Um…this THAT is supposed to be an Ogre, then what is…*
*…That supposed to be? The deformed runt of a litter?*
Emma: O-O-O
Tourist: OAGAH!
Emma: Oh, what large teeth you have! I mean, white sparkly teeth! I know you probably hear this all the time from your food, but you must bleach or something 'cause that's one dazzling smile you got there!
*Crushes gun*
Emma: I suspected that blindness was just a lie!
*Is roaring*
Emma: *Is trying not to barf* And do I detect a hint of minty freshness? And you know something, you're... a….you’re one…
Snow: …DEAD OGRE!
Emma: MOMGRET?!
Shrek: Look, I’m busy!
Snow: Girls with bows and arrows are all the rage these days! I’m gonna shoot you! I’m gonna!
Shrek: *Dies*
Snow: Oh….um…okay.
*Sticks arrow in eye so she can claim she got him*
Emma: Momgret! When did you get awesome?
Snow: Have you NOT been reading the book I gave Henry?!
Emma: Not really, I just pretended I did and did a cold reading of Henry when he asked me questions about the stories.
Emma: Everything I didn't know. I told him to ask his father. I meant his biological dad and he was supposed to think that meant to drop it but then I found out later he would go and ask Gold.
Snow: We should keep going before Mulan and Aurora find out we’re trying to ditch them.
Lancelot: This is the slowest poison in the history of this world.
Ruth: My Kevlar girdle slowed down most of the impact until something character developmentally happens.
Snow: We can throw her in the lake that you used to restore Abigail’s boy toy!
Lancelot: I’ll get her car started!
Charming: But she drives stick and I don’t know how!
Lancelot: *Glares* I know how.
Snow: Lancelot is AWESOME!
Charming: *Is jealous* But h-he has to wear armor and he looks like a turtle in it and h-he doesn’t even have any hair! And can he make a tear slide down his cheek? I’ll bet he can't
Charming: So, how do you know my fiancé?
Lancelot: Ask her.
Charming: I’m not asking her, I’m asking you.
Lancelot: Maybe you should step on the gas, your mother isn’t gonna last forever, you know.
Charming: If I go any faster then we’ll hit another road bump and she’ll fall out again!
Lancelot: That’s because you didn’t buckle her in!
Charming: ….
Lancelot: ….
Charming: So, how do you know my fiancé?
Lancelot: Ask her.
Charming: I’m not asking her, I’m asking you.
Snow: Why can’t the woodland creatures that we alluded to in the pilot keep a lookout for us?
Ruth: I know this is gonna be an odd question but…how goes the oven in there?
Snow: Oh, what a coincidence that you wanna be talking about this now.
Ruth: I know. It’s weird right? I just suddenly have the urge to ask you, I have no idea why.
Ruth: I bought this enchanted necklace from someone that may or may not have lied about what it does.
Ruth: If it goes one way, you’re gonna pop out a boy. If it goes another then you’re gonna pop out a girl. I have no idea why we were so poor. I’ll bet Charming and I could’ve made millions on this thing. And it was accurate when it said my sons were going to be boys.
Ruth: Well actually, it sort of went in a circle now that I think about it. Humor me, I’m dying and the last thing that I want is for the remaining hours of my life to be disappointment in my new daughter in law!
Snow: *Is annoyed*
Snow: Sure. Why not?
*Dying Squees*
*Two hours pass*
Snow: *Is awkward* So Charming never told me that twins run in your family….any other little SURPRISES I have to look forward to?
Ruth: Don’t break my son’s heart. I will hunt you down after I get in the afterlife and go all poltergeists on your backside!
Snow: *Rolls eyes* Sure you will.
Ruth: Oh hey! That lake water the boys have been yammering about may heal you too!
Snow: Why didn’t I think of that?!
Snow: You didn’t HAVE to tackle us!
Mulan: You wouldn’t stop running away!
Snow: For the last time, we’re SORRY; we thought you were an ogre!
Aurora: *Is in a fetal position without getting dirty* Ihatethewoods. Ihatethewoods. Ihatethewoods
Emma: Finally! I think I got all the Ogre stench off this thing.
Aurora: Awesome! *Takes*
Emma: *Is annoyed*
Emma: You know what? Not worth it.
Aurora: The ogre stench isn’t off this!
Snow: Aw! The home we usurped!
Emma: You know…with all the fanfare you gave my castle, I was sort of hoping that we’d have a bigger place.
Snow: Not to be someone that questions anything but…why couldn’t one of us have used the extra horse to ride ahead and grab some water and ride back while you guys meandered along?
Snow: Um…if there’s a lake, shouldn’t there be water?
Charming: I can’t BELIEVE another lake got up and walked off.
Snow: We’re just lost, aren’t we?
Charming: We’re not lost! I’m just trying to get my bearings.
Henry: *Is in awe* Where the queen keeps her MAAAAANNNNY secrets. Hey, why was I so shocked that the queen had a vault in this episode when talking to Jefferson? I knew she had one when I lead Graham to it.Charming: We’re not lost! I’m just trying to get my bearings.
Henry: Pfft. She named me after her lame dad. I was hoping I was named after Henry the VIIIth; heart breaker and head…beheader.
Henry: I love that I figured this out in about five seconds and Graham and Emma were twiddling their thumbs the whole time when they broke in here.
Henry: Awesome! My very own evil lair!
Henry: Hm…what should go here? My basketball court or my Jacuzzi?
Henry: “Leopold, do not open until Christmas-Regina’? Aw, he never got to see what was in here! Well, I was taught to never let a gift go to waste!
Faux and Fake the Wonder Snakes: Weeee’reeee BACCCKKK! Hey, where’s Waldo?
*Slam*
Faux and Fake the Wonder Snakes: OH! AUGH! OW! That hurt!
Charming: Henry! What was the number 3 rule that we established?!
Henry: To not go into evil lairs that I might find without consulting you first!
Charming: Hey! You’re supposed to be in school!
Henry: How did you find me?!
Charming: Regina told me that the answer to all my questions were in a box that she was going to give to King Leopold for Christmas…Hey! She was thinking about killing me!
Charming: Anyway, you can’t run off all willy nilly trying to find your mom and grandma because you could get killed!
Henry: *Scoffs* Like Faux and Fake had ANY chance against ME!
Charming: *Is worried*
Charming: Hey Snow! Got an engagement present for you!
Charming: I guess that…the siren was the plug on the drain of the lake or something….
Lancelot: It’s only been a few days, right? Where’s her bloated corpse?
Charming: Maybe the lake’s hiding!
Charming: Darn. No lake.
Lancelot: Whoo! Looks like evaporation doesn’t exist in our world!
Charming: Quick! Give it to me and make me look good in front of the fiancé! I have to impress her once a day and forgot to set my video recorder to ‘record’ when I was fighting all those guys!
*Are playing tug of war.*
Lancelot: It’s SPILLING!
Charming: SAVED!
Ruth: Look, I think it’s time for me to tell you that Rumpelstiltskin texted me and told me that I have to tell you to take the lake water in my place.
Snow: If Rumpelstiltskin can attach arms then why can’t he heal someone being barren?
Ruth: I don’t know, I asked him and he muttered something about having to fix all Charming’s problems and hung up.
Charming: Mommy! I found the water!
*Practically shoves flask in his mother’s mouth*
Charming: It worked!
*Bromance hug*
Ruth: Look, will you at least marry the boy?
Snow: Do I have to make a decision NOW?!
Charming: HI MOMMY! I’m right here!
Snow: And THIS is your room!
Emma: You didn’t HAVE to lead me in a room to room tour, Mary Momgret.
Snow: Wish I’d remembered to hire a maid before I got pulled into a world I could never recognize.
Emma: Is that Sharktapus swimming around our giant lake?
Snow: The Fabric Softener bear’s corpse! NOOOO!
Snow: I was gonna do everything with you in this room! Pretty you up! Help you get ready for your first ball! Teach you manners and etiquette…We were gonna be little twins!
Emma: *Is really glad this princess thing didn’t really work out*
Snow: We killed SO many people in this room when we were taking the kingdom
.
Emma: Wow. How…sentimental…
Snow: Fabric Softener Bear! *Sniffles*
Emma: Can I say how glad I am that the curse left my side of the castle intact? Also how come Aurora never wore my coat?
Ruth: Still dying here!
Lancelot: My neck corset seems to be more of a vulnerability than an asset.
Charming: Maybe if I just…jiggle her then it’ll spread and heal her.
Lancelot I don’t think this is how it works.
Ruth: Son, let me tell you about the circle of life…
Ruth: ….
Charming: Mommy’s dead! *Cries*
Ruth: NO! I was just realizing that…you called me ‘mommy’ for probably the last time.
Charming: No I didn’t mommy! See? It wasn’t the last time!
Snow: Oh for heaven’s sakes! Just let’s get married!
Charming: SNOW! Are you really going to start up again!? My mother’s dying!
Lancelot: I gave up the National Charade Competition to be here…
Snow: Luckily I always wear white!
Charming: Dying mother here!
Lancelot: Um…I left my marriage book at home…this wasn’t exactly the place I thought I’d need it….
Lancelot: *Is annoyed* And do you…Snow White take Charming whatever his real name is as your beloved husband in this presumably legal ceremony that they can use for an excuse in case Snow pops up preggers.
Lancelot: Oh wait…sorry.
Charming: What’s he mean by that?!
Snow: Hurry it up! Ruth might not last much longer since we took an hour to get flowers and make an arch!
Ruth: I can’t believe they asked me to get up and put the arch up myself.
Charming: *Giggles* I’m so glad that I’m not on the short end of the stick in whatever secret you two are harboring.
Snow: Heh heh, I know this whole thing is rigged…
Charming: Snow? You couldn’t have saved any for me.
Snow: Nope!
Charming: Ewww, I’m kissing your teeth!
Ruth: *Ceremony could’ve been better*
Charming: Mommy?!
Snow: That’ll put a crimp on the wedding night…
Emma: So…how exactly are we going to restore this to factory default?
Snow: I’m just going to touch it and since I have true love it’ll automatically work!
Emma: I’m a fan of Ctrl+Alt+Delete myself…
Lancelot: Hey girls, what’s up?
Snow: Lancie! You left all those villagers without proper protection! Silly nilly!
Lancelot: Yeah, this…um…how am I supposed to fit in this?
Snow: Oh stop, it’s probably bigger on the inside.
Emma: I’ll glare it into working again!
Snow: This is so amazing! I have my bestie! And my bestie daughter!
Emma: Ow, that hurts! How does Regina do it?!
Snow: Hey Lancie? Do you remember those white flowers you picked alongside the purple and pink and yellow ones and Charming sneezed during our third cup of water and it went everywhere
Lancelot: Yeah…good times!
Snow: Hm. *Giggles*
Snow: You’re not Lancelot! Charming sneezed from the yellow ones! Not the white ones! Lancelot would never have forgotten such a noticeable detail!
Emma: Mary Margaret of Mary Momgret is showing her face again and I don’t have a tranq gun!
Cora: Aw! I could’ve disarmed you in a second but I was laughing so hard in there that I couldn’t bring myself to do it.
*People shipping Lancelot with Snow immediately feel grossed out*
Cora: I’m here to jump start this thing. I brought my car and everything.
Snow: You can’t go against me! I have a sword!
Cora: *Is being sarcastic* Yeah, okay.
Snow: Okay, that didn’t work out…
Emma: I’m coming, Momgret!
*Trips on the rug*
Cora: I never did like you. To be honest the evil looks you gave me and that maniacal giggle you gave more often than naught creeped even me out. And you would take the knife and glare at me and then you’d eat the last ice cream bar even though I labeled it…to be mine…Well now we get to see who has the last smirk now don’t we?
Emma: Bullets! I still have those!
Cora: Did you even ever wonder where I went?
Emma: Foiling plans here!
Cora: No! No daughter of Charming’s could be competent enough to foil me!
Emma: Oh look, it’s another fire breathing dragon. Yeah, like I HAVEN’T fought one of you before!
Mulan: BLOCKED! Emma forcing us to play baseball before we left was WORTH IT!
Aurora: I hit my head running in here!
Cora: One more person came in here! *Makes ‘big whoop’ finger gesture* If it wasn’t for book club, then I’d kill you all because there’s no reason that one bonafide warrior should be any trouble for me.
Snow: The people I used to hang out with! *Can’t believe she was so young*
Emma: I just got beat up by my step great grandma! *Starts sobbing*
Aurora: There. There. It’s okay.
Emma: So someone should do something about that…
Charming: I luv you, mommy!
Snow: Hm. Good thing they didn’t expect us to come back to the cabin…
Charming: So…are you pregnant yet?
Snow: Charming, we only had our wedding night last night and I have to say that it still felt a bit tacky with Lancelot and your dead mother down the street.
Charming: Look! I pilfered this off her corpse!
Charming: Hold out your hand, I want to see what you’re gonna pop out first!
Snow: I-I- NO!
Charming: Woman, don’t make me look bad in front of my new buddy! We tell each other everything!
Snow: Hey! It’s moving!
Charming: I work FAST!
Snow: I knew that barren curse was just a bunch of phooey!
Charming: *Giggles and starts swinging it around*
Charming: Wait, what barren curse?
Snow: *Is being devious* Barren curse? I didn’t hear anything about a barren curse!
Charming: YAY!
Charming: I have no clue what’s going on.
Snow: And that’s how I prefer you.
Charming: I’m going to go find our nonexistent troops that I really don’t care about as I’ve shown no concern for the attack for their existence!
Lancelot: Good thing those last few drops were in the sip you took…and that they still had their power even after the guardian died.
Snow: What is it with you people poisoning me all the time?! This is the third time it’s happened!
Lancelot: But I saved you from an awkward explanation. Which makes us buddies!
Lancelot: Can I call you Snowbot?
Snow: Only if I can call you Lancie!
Lancelot: So what are you gonna have?
Snow: A girl…at least I think…I usually didn’t listen to Charming’s mother while she was delusional. I think we’re gonna call her Euemma Chrysanthemum III
Lancelot: That name is horrible!
Snow: *Feels sad*
Emma: I can’t believe we’re all buying the idea that Lancelot is dead.
Aurora: I think I might have a concussion…can anyone tell me where Philip is?!
Snow: He’ll never call me Snowbot again.
Mulan: So...guess I now know why Lancelot never interrogated Cora. I just thought he was being lazy.
Snow: Why don’t you two skedaddle? Emma and I Have character development to master.
Aurora: Only if my beloved Philip is waiting outside!
Mulan: She has a concussion now! See what you've done!? I have to deal with that!
Snow: I hope THAT doesn’t last long.
Emma: So…maybe you’re not that bad of a mom.
Snow: Oh EMMA!
Emma: And maybe Dadvid isn’t too bad when he’s not being David.
Snow: Go on!
Emma: And maybe no one ever really cared about me before and my idiotic actions in this episode can be attributed to me being out of my element because I’m not used to you taking charge.
Emma: And maybe the castle and the size of my room is…not that bad.
Snow: OH EMMA!
Emma: Mary Momgret!
*Are ‘lalalaing’ together*
Emma: *Is trying not to squee* That was really kind of fun!
Snow: I know! It was addicting for me when Charming started it!
Snow: Well…’Hunger Games’ with Aurora as the other 23 tributes isn’t gonna play itself!
*Imagines baby Emma screeching*
Snow: IT’s your turn to get her!
Charming: It’s your turn!
Snow: It’s your turn! I got her last time!
Charming: I just laid down!
Snow: I worked SO HARD on this room too!
Mulan: WE DON’T HAVE ALL NIGHT!
Snow: And now that moment’s ruined.
Cora: Good thing that I was listening in while they were standing around laying out their plan and weaknesses!
Cora: Ugh, the dust in this room!
Cora: Glad there was no strong wind tonight.
Cora: This will make my sweet babboo love me!
Jefferson: Well it’s not me unless I’m creepily watching SOMEONE per episode.
Driver: Please! Just leave me alone!
Grace: *Voice Evil and Demanding* Never tell me to sit when the bus is moving again!
Jefferson: Dangit, I was hoping to get home without passing her! Why is the bus early?!
Jefferson: Well I might as well resolve this plot before hanging out with Captain America.
Jefferson: Of all eyeballs I had to admire myself in…yours were always my favorite!
Jefferson: Come to daddy?!
Grace: *Zooms over* You owe me 28 years of allowance!
Jefferson: I can’t breathe!
Jefferson: Seriously, the world is growing dark!
Grace’s Fake Dad: Um…hey! Hello! That’s our kid!
Henry: Well, that ought to distract her for a time. At least until I can get everything set up for him to be my new stepdad in case Gold falls through which will NOT happen.
Charming: That’s not your car!
Henry: It is when Emma dies!
Charming: So I was thinking…it’s high time that you have a decent role model because other than Archie, you haven’t had that. I’m going to be your male role-model.
Henry: Well this is either going to distract me from my depression or make me suicidal.
Charming: I swiped these parts from a fence and turned them into swords as I walked over.
Henry: You’re going to teach me how to officially beat people up! You ARE my favorite grandparent!
Charming: You have much to learn, young grasshopper!
Henry: Don’t you know that grasshoppers get turned into fish bait? I prefer King of the Town
Charming: My lieg-
Henry: *Smacks in face with sword*
Henry: You underestimate me!
Charming: Whoa! Henry! Easy! I wasn’t ready!
Charming: You’re enjoying this far too much Henry!
George: …
Charming: AUGH! Henry! I fell! My arms are getting tired!
Henry: DIE! DIE! DIE!
George: Maybe I should just step on the gas.
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