Once Upon A Time: Abridged: 117

Mary: Why don’t I ever wear the right shoes for this?!

Mary: I certainly hope no one saw me running down the street looking over my shoulder!

David: HI MARY! WHAT ARE YOU DOING OUT HERE?

Mary: Crap.

Henry: Pfft, that looks NOTHING like my grandma!

Emma: You’re talking and all I Hear from you is ‘blah blah blah.”

Mr. Gold: And don’t think you can get out of it this time! And don’t conveniently show up at the wrong chapel or say “I do….not” because Granny’s already done those.

Henry: Hi mom! I’m so glad you don’t have a lock on the door! Just exactly what time is it?

Emma: Henry good news! *Almost throws up* You’re going to be Henry Gold soon.

Mr. Gold: *Does Snoopy Dance behind Emma*

Henry: But I thought Mr. Gold married himself.

Mr. Gold: I talked it over with myself and I agreed that it would be best if we went our separate ways. I was very understanding.

Henry: But…I kinda shipped you with you.

Emma: Why didn’t you say something EARLIER?!

Mr. Gold: *Is in a REALLY good mood* It’s so nice to hang out with my future wife and son. I can’t wait for the picnics!

Henry: Emma, before he gets all excited, you have to talk him out of the father/son events. I had to participate with those with Graham for years and they’re always humiliating. I don’t think Gold and I could win the three legged race.

Emma: I think that watching that would be the only highlight in my life if I go through with this.

Emma: What did I say about giving me those looks?

Mr. Gold: I KNEW YOU WOULD TRY AND GET OUT OF THIS SOMEHOW!

Mr. Gold: You know, if I’m going to help you…it would be very wise if I could fulfill my end of the bargain before you try and screw me out of yours.

Emma: Pfft, if I had tried this then it would’ve been thwarted by Regina and I would’ve been humiliated in front of everyone.

Mr. Gold: *Quick Check out*

Mr. Gold: Son, you were supposed to drive a car through the wall and make it look like she was kidnapped! We TALKED out this!

Emma: Okay, I looked everywhere in this cell and I don’t think she’s hiding in here.

Emma: You seem really calm and smug about this whole thing, you know that?

Mr. Gold: That’s my default look.

Emma: I’m sure that if I search this ginormous town all by myself then I’ll find her in no time!

*Most likely the photo for Father and Son Picnic day*

Henry: Emma! She can’t leave town! Something vague will happen!

Emma: I know Henry! That’s why I’m going to be speeding around town in my bright yellow bug hoping that she chose to stick close to the road because I’m not going through the woods in these shoes.

Henry: I’ll attach a bomb to my mom’s car just in case you don’t find grandma. It’s one of my simpler attacks. She’ll never even expect it.

Emma: Go HOME Henry!

Mr. Gold: My darling fiancé, *squees* Oh how I love saying that. I should let you know that if you get caught helping your friend/ my future mother in law, then it’s going to make the Golden Gold name look bad.

Mr. Gold: Because you know, my image has been practically squeaky clean thus far.

Emma: It must be so calming to live in your surreal delusional little mind.

*Storms off*

Mr. Gold: Dangit, I should’ve asked her if I could ride along to discuss plans and creep her out. I can't wait till another centric episode about me....

Mr. Gold: Well, I’m sure she won’t mind me raiding her fridge with a smirk while I wait for her to return

*Hasn’t magically appeared*

Emma: The first thing I’m going to do when I get married is force my husband to let me paint my car like Herbie.

Emma: Is that the only sign that I haven’t run over yet? *Speeds up*

Jefferson *Backflips out of the way*

Emma: Geez man, turn on your car lights! *Tries to push him back down the hill*

Jefferson: Its okay, my amazing wardrobe and dashing good looks saved me.

Emma…

Emma: *Checks out*

Emma: Mmmmmmmm. Hi.

Jefferson: I was hoping you’d come this way….Really I was banking that you’d drive down this street, and I would be in the exact right position to fall down a hill and freak you out…I even anticipated the fog too! We don’t call this “Convenient Fog Lane” for nothing.

Jefferson: *Giggles* I also never realized how busy this street was either. I’ve been doing this little trick all night to everyone from Billy the Mechanic to that putz on the motorcycle. I was hoping ONE of them would be you….

Jefferson: Can I have a hug?

Emma: If I wasn’t engaged to the richest most charismatic man in town that my son wants for a dad then I might consider it person I don’t know and have never met before. Instead I’ll just take you home and whatever it is that you’ll give me to drink, I’ll drink it.

Jefferson: Oh. Wanna touch my coat?

Emma: Yyyeaahhhhhh *High pitched Giggle*

Jefferson: Gossip girl wants me back! NOOOOOO!

*Buttshot*

Jefferson: No one will think to look for me behind his giant tree!

Jefferson: Leatherpants double doors wide open!

Grace: Dad! Stop trying to abandon me in the woods! Don’t you know what goes on in here?! Blind witches! Hansel being useless! Rumpel-freaking’-stiltskin hangs out around here! And you’d leave me for a second?!

Jefferson: My horrible wig didn’t think about that.

Jefferson: Now, why don’t you go and collect some mushrooms while I sit around and admire my dashing good looks in a nearby puddle?

Grace: Dad, I’m almost ten years old. The thumb on the nose and yelling beep isn’t cute anymore.

Jefferson: BEEEP!

Jefferson: *Is proud of himself*

Grace: Oh dad, you better be happy you’re adorable.

*Are skipping*

Grace: Is the queen visiting you to borrow your leather pants AGAIN daddy?

Jefferson: Don’t be silly sweetheart, that’s not the queen when she’s in daddy’s bed! Uh! I mean that’s not the queen, that’s daddy’s SPECIAL friend.

Grace: Hm. You said the same thing when you were hanging out with Charming.

Jefferson: *Is horrified* They are NOT in the same category!

Jefferson: Why don’t you go back in the woods and don’t come back for the night?

Grace: Sure….Rumpelstiltskin always lets me play with his creepy puppets at the castle.

Jefferson: That’s my girl! *Makes sure he’s still dashing in the reflection of her pupils*

Grace: I think Rumpelstiltskin might’ve been right when he said that daddy would never amount to anything.

Regina: It took you long enough. Why does this sort of look like Rumpelstiltskin’s house in Desperate Souls?

Jefferson: Because our budget went to the extremely realistic graphics of Wonderland.

Jefferson: No, what do you want? I have some mad hattering skills to do…even though there’s nothing in my past in this episode that suggests I was ever a hatmaker really.

Regina: Can I have this doll? It’s so cute.

Jefferson: Only if I can have those pants.

Regina: I had to practically scratch Rumpelstiltskin’s eyes out for these in the bargain bin; I’m not giving them up.

Jefferson: Hm…didn’t want to imagine that….

Jefferson: By the way, why are you here?

Regina: I got bored or something. Wanna crash Wonderland?

Jefferson: Nope.

*Personal space invader*

*70’s porn music plays*

Regina: But you used to like it when we did it.

Jefferson: Well let’s just say….’I got bored or something’.

Regina: No one gets bored with me...WITHOUT ASKING MY PERMISSION FIRST!

Jefferson: I always knew you were an old crow, Regina. That outfit just confirms it.

Regina: How about you hop on and we flap back to the palace big boy, and crash wonderland.

Jefferson: Yeah see…I got this kid now and I MIGHT be sort of guilty over her mother’s death and I know I can’t trust you any further than I can throw you so…nah.

Regina: *Is making fun of him* Der…I can’t trust you!

Regina: Well don’t I have news for you! I’m doing MUCH better, haven’t betrayed ANYONE today!

Jefferson: Maybe I should start locking that door.

Emma: WHOA! Your estate is bigger than Mr. Gold’s! He said HIS estate was the biggest in Storybrooke and he needed me to do my sheriffing skills to be a caretaker, but now that I think of it, I just realized that he might’ve just been being pervy.

Jefferson: Yes, my estate is something to be admired and I quite like admiring it *Checks self out in glass reflection*

Emma: Why does your estate look like a giant 2D cutout that’s sort of leaning?

Jefferson: Uh! Ignore that! Must be…must be your vision!

Emma: Now if Mr. Gold had a fireplace like this, I MIGHT consider being his wife in a better light.

Emma: How come I heard you locking the doors and the windows and then laughing all creepy like?

Jefferson: Uh! Ignore that! Must be…must be your hearing!

*Why is she treading her muddy boots all over that nice rug?*

*Is that fire screen in the shape of the NBC logo?*

*Buttshot*

Jefferson: Have this glass of tea!

Emma: Sure person I don’t know, who just happened to show up in the middle of the dark foggy road with no car even though you have this huge house...

Emma: *Happy sigh*

Emma: Why does this taste funny?

Jefferson: Uh! Ignore that! Must be your taste buds.

Emma: Why are all my senses acting weird?

Jefferson: Love over my dashing good looks?

Emma: No, that’s not it.

Jefferson: So I’m guessing you need an accurate map of Storybrooke? Why don’t you have one in the Sheriff’s station?
Emma: Beats me. This looks like you drew it with a map pencil. It must be accurate.

Emma: Mm! I can see my house from here!

Emma: Why do I feel so suddenly dizzy?

Jefferson: I can’t BELIEVE that took longer than I thought.

Emma: WOAH, WHAT IS HAPPENING?! WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!

*70’s porn music starts up.*

Emma: WHAT IS THAT MUSIC?

Jefferson: What music? Lalalalalalala

Emma: I’m engaged! I’m happy engaged to the man of my dreams! And he owns your land and has a gun and a cane and a 12 foot tall bodyguard!

Jefferson: Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go turn that music up so no one can hear you scream.

Jefferson: *Checks self out in teapot* I am SO pretty!

Emma: Maybe I should retire.

Jefferson: I’m creepy just so you know!

Grace: Look dad! An obvious nod to the story you’re based on!

Grace: *Voice turns evil and demanding* Buy it for me!

Old Woman: I will only sell it for your leather pants.

Jefferson: Hmmm

Jefferson: Hmmmm

Jefferson: No sorry, these are my best pair.

Regina’s voice: Dangit!

Jefferson: You CAN have the privilege of touching my coat though!

*Touches*

Old Woman: Not impressed.

Jefferson: That’s what my wife said about me when I told her this was REALLY my new hairstyle.

Grace: *Voice evil and demanding* Buy it for me!

Jefferson: Well, I guess I COULD swipe it and run.

Old Woman: Nope! Mine.

Jefferson: Whatever. I give up.

Extra: Hey! Where are you going?! There’s a line here!

Mirror: So did you just conjure up all these creepy toys, or did you go out and buy them all?

Regina: Don’t ask irrelevant questions!

Mirror: You know, I WOULD make a remark about how you look exactly like that hag when you don’t put on your makeup, but I think I’m going to be nice.

Emma: Oh great, not again. Look Mr. Gold. I said ‘yes’. You don’t have to kidnap me anymore!

Emma: Oh wait; I remember where I am….I feel almost disappointed. Oh well, maybe I’ll smash that cup down there and he’ll spend the next few years getting his feet cut. That’ll show him.

Emma: And maybe he shouldn’t have tied me up with my own handcuffs and left the key in my pocket.

Emma: Meh, as great as all of this would be to have….when one is more creepy than Mr. Gold, it’s a good time to consider a different relationship.

Emma: Holy crap! Look at the size of his telescope! Now THAT is impressive.

*And Emma tries to remember if she’s done anything embarrassing in the sheriff’s office as of late.*

Emma: Why was it so easy to get away? Maybe I should arm myself with a weapon….

Jefferson: One of these days I actually have to go into town and buy a decent razor.

Jefferson: Hi pookie bear. I used my mad skillz to make you an exact replica of the bunny that the old hag wouldn’t give for free. *Beams*

*Is kind of creepy looking...and adorable? *

Grace: Oh that’s….nice I suppose. It doesn’t make me freak out like everything else you made so…I guess I can deal until you make a man out of yourself and give me what I deserve.

Jefferson: You are aware that there is nothing in that, right? That’s um…that’s my crazy girl.

Grace: Wow! Tea isn’t supposed to burn going down. I think I grabbed your teapot instead of mine, dad.

Jefferson: Why are you always so happy Grace? No kid I’ve ever seen in my life isn’t this positive!

*Whimpers*

*Tries to smile through tears*

Jefferson: There. That’s better.

Grace: You know, if you just went and worked for the queen you could give me everything I’ve ever wanted.

Jefferson: But I don’t want to work for that tra-

Grace: *Voice turns evil and demanding* Go do whatever she says so that I may achieve my happiness.

Jefferson: Aw! I don’t see why I can’t!

Grace: Questioning me again will get your episode amount reduced and you might find yourself with less hair.

Jefferson: You wouldn’t!

Grace: Try me, buttercup.

Jefferson: Why don’t you go hang out with Rumpelstiltskin…even though I’m convinced that perhaps you’re spending too much time as his babysitee already.

Grace: I don’t want –

Jefferson: *Shoves*

Jefferson: Sometimes I wish I had a boy….

Jefferson: Well, now that my daughter is certain to have some child abandonment issues, I’ll just put the magic hat here…

Jefferson: And pose as the camera draws closer.

Emma: Tiptoe through the ru-ug with meeeeeee

Jefferson: Curse scissors. The bane of my beautiful hair’s existence. And why did I have to buy the cheap kind that go dull so quickly?

Emma: Ha ha! He won’t find me in this room that’s right next to the one that he was holding me captive at!

Mary: Uh…Hi?

Emma: Mary! What are you doing?! I told you not to run away and to trust me! I’ve been looking everywhere for you because now you’re a felon! *Starts lecturing for twenty minutes*

Mary: This isn’t what it looks like! He kidnapped me and he uh…broke into my cell that did NOT have a key!

Emma: Uh-huh. This is all your fault, you know that right?

Mary: Oh stop acting like getting drugged and tied up by a hot guy ISN’T your thing.

Emma: ….oh shut up Mary!

Mary: What?

Emma: Okay, I’m sure he didn’t hear me clomping down the hallway and I’m sure he didn’t hear your terrified whimpering. So let’s book it.

Emma: But you can be my human shield just in case. He has my gun.

Jefferson: Why didn’t you just run off down the hallway Emma, you had no reason to cut off into that room?

Emma: What did you do my jacket you pervert?

Jefferson: Oh just because I fake an injury to get you to my home where no one knows where you’re at, kidnap your fugitive friend, drug you, tie you up and gag you…it does NOT mean that I couldn’t be a gentleman and take your coat.

Jefferson: You are both here…to make me a hat!

*Dun*

*dun*

*DUN!*
Jefferson: Why? What did you think I was going to do?

Mary: You know, I think you tied the ropes far tighter than wonder boy did.

Emma: That’s because he used store brand. I had to make sure it held.
Jefferson: How do you know how to tie up people better than I do?
Emma: Shut up.

Mary: Mr. Gold was right? You ARE like that?

Jefferson: Mmmm. Yes. Fanfic writers will look forward to that.

Emma: Yeah, I’m looking forward to all the crazy things I can do by wrapping that scarf tighter around your neck…

*High kicks out the door*

Jefferson: That figures. The only time the sun has come out on this forsaken kingdom after Snow left is because my dashing good looks arrived.

Regina: Hello Jefferson, have you met my cleavage?

Jefferson: Why are you wearing a trash bag with weird little…goodnight woman. Which Muppet gave its life for THAT?!

Regina: *Is annoyed* I hear it’s the fashion.

Jefferson: I heard foot binding was a fashion at one point, but that still doesn’t make it a good idea.

*So how did Jefferson discover his hat was magical? Did he just one day buy it and put it on, spin for random reasons, and then find himself in a different world? Why can’t we have a backstory on that?*

Regina: Aw! I forgot how cute it was. Quick! Put it on!

Jefferson: Sweetie, if I put this one while wearing this sexy outfit and being surrounded by all these mirrors then I think the world would explode.

Regina: This game isn’t as fun as spin the bottle. I can never tell who’ll get picked.

Jefferson: I just remembered that I get shrink sick easily! You jump first and make sure that it’s safe.

Regina: Why? So you can turn off the wind machine and then stomp on the hat like last time? Wait a minute; I just remembered why I fired you…

Jefferson: Dangit, that was YOU?! I was hoping you’d forgotten about that.

Regina: THIS IS LIFE!
Jefferson: AUGH! Leather pants while shrinking…not a good idea…I might need some help up…

Emma: Aw dangit Jefferson, you told me there were PIES behind the glass.

Jefferson: I just told you that to get you in here all alone and willing.

*Is considering marrying Gold immediately if she survives this*

Jefferson: Would you like some…candy?

Emma: No! I would not like some candy. I would like for you to give me my gun back and move before I shove you in one of your creepy little hats!

*Checks out*

Jefferson: I gotta be honest; most women never reject me after I invade their personal space.

Emma: Given this town, I’d believe that.

Jefferson: *Rolls eyes* You MUST be the chosen one. You’re resisting me.

*Is considering shooting her right there.*

Jefferson: No. You’ve been desensitized by August and Gold… my dashing looks just take longer to affect you is all…

Jefferson: You know what? If you would just believe the crazy guy that kidnapped you and has a gun is the mad hatter then this never would’ve happened

Emma: Huh?

Jefferson: What? You didn’t see that big portrait of me labeled “Jefferson the Mad Hatter and Everything is Real” that I positioned you to see as soon as you opened your eyes?

Jefferson: Typical. Just typical. It even flashed lights.

Emma: *Is struggling not to laugh*

Emma: *Fails* That is…freaking hysterical. You can’t be the Mad Hatter. Johnny Depp is the Mad Hatter and he was disappointing enough.

Jefferson: *Backs away slowly* Don’t diss Johnny Depp.

Emma: The Disney animated Mad Hatter will always be the real Mad Hatter

Jefferson: That’s it blondie, you’re plummeting on life points.

Emma: What are you going to do? Sew me to death?

Emma: Expose more of your tacky wardrobe? Are you wearing your wallpaper and curtains or something?

*Feelings are hurt*

Jefferson: My wardrobe is amazingly epic!

Emma: AS will be the beat down I give you for thinking that kidnapping me is going to get me to buy your ‘fairy tales are real’ story.

Jefferson: That one’s my personal favorite.
Emma: How exactly is this going to put me at ease?
Jefferson: I’m just smelling your hair to make sure I know what shampoo you use. I’m thinking of switching over. *breathes in for two minutes*

Emma: Always the odd ones. It NEVER fails.

Jefferson: I can hear you!

Regina: Okay, this is a weird question…..are we INSIDE the hat? Are you transporting all these worlds on your head? Or is it just a doorway to another dimension? A dimension not only of sight and sound but of mind. A journey into a wondrous land of imagination. Next stop, the Twil-

Jefferson: Oh for heaven’s sake, just let the fans pause and search for clues already.

Jefferson: Okay here’s the thing. Two go in, two go out, that’s the hat’s rule. Not mine. Don’t ask how I figured that out. Either I found out the hard way or the hat and I sat down and had a conversation at one point.

Regina: MWAHAHAHAHA…I mean…I’m hanging on to every word.
Jefferson: Maybe I shouldn’t have revealed that much.

Jefferson: *Is pouty* I hate distorting things that show my face.

Jefferson: Ew. Ew. Ew. Ew. Ew.

Regina: I just remembered that I don’t know how to swim in looking glass water.

Jefferson: I always feel small and inadequate here….that’s not a feeling that I’m used to.
Regina: This is SO COOL! Can we ride a centipede?
Jefferson: No.
Regina: Butterfly?
Jefferson: No.
Regina: Fuzzy…wuzzy…caterpillar?

Jefferson: This is your first time in a new world isn’t it?
Regina: Whatever gave you that idea?

Jefferson: A rookie. Wonderful.

Roger Daltrey: Hello everyone. Blink and miss my cameo even though it was heavily advertised!

Regina: Dear heaven and bad CGI! I think I felt the remains of my soul freeze upon that sight!
Jefferson: Don’t get high off the fumes; don’t get high off the fumes…

Regina: I want to pet it!
Jefferson: Those are the fumes talking. He’ll lure you in and rip your arm off….

Jefferson: I have to be pulled away from the mirror. I’m the one suffering!

Regina: But I wanna pet it!
Jefferson: No!

Emma: Would this be a bad time to tell you that the only hat I’ve ever made in my life was a construction paper pilgrim cap for Thanksgiving in elementary school?

Jefferson: Silly Emma. Everyone knows how to make a Hatter Hat. Most people know that before they’re born

Emma: What the heck am I supposed to do with THIS?!

Jefferson: Woman, how did you survive all these years with your lack of skills?

Emma: Wait a minute…do you think you’re the hatter?

Jefferson: *Rolls eyes* Geez, I’ve only been hinting at it since I brought you in here!

Emma: Alright, there’s your first mistake… “Alice in Wonderland” is not technically a fairy tale. I had to look this up for Henry but according to Wikipedia, a fairy tale is type of short story that typically features folkloric fantasy characters, such as fairies, goblins, elves, trolls, dwarves, giants, mermaids or gnomes, and usually magic or enchantments. Alice in Wonderland is about a girl that’s like…high on mushrooms or something.

Jefferson: Yeah, I hate to tell you this, but for some reason everything from fairy tales to Greek mythology is on this show.

Emma: Wha- Why?

Jefferson: *Is looking dashing* More material.

Emma: Dangit, I was hoping that I could use that to convince you that you were just insane.

Jefferson: Too late. I’ve been practicing with everyone in town about this. I’m ready for anything you got.

Emma: You do realize that if you shoot me…I’m not going to be able to make your hat right? And if you hurt Mary then I won’t cooperate because you still can’t hurt me and so your plan pretty much sucks from the start.

Jefferson: I didn’t say I was going to kill you, just shoot you up a little. But your car is hidden and I’m not telling you where it is until you get this done!

Emma: No! Not Bumblebee! Anything but Bumblebee!

Jefferson: Snip Snip woman.

Emma: Irredeemable! Just irredeemable!

Jefferson: I SAID SNIP SNIP!

Emma: *Sniffles*

Jefferson: Please don’t cry…I didn’t mean to be mean.

Regina: This is so exciting! I’ve never been in a CGI hedge maze before! The only ones I’ve been to are real ones!
Jefferson: I can’t believe I forgot my jetpack!

Jefferson: You didn’t download the walkthrough, did you?

Regina: I thought you were going to!

Jefferson: I thought you were going t- We TALKED about this! I sent you a text!
Regina: I don’t get texts! I have an iPhone! It does everything but makes calls and gets texts.

Jefferson: I knew this plan was flawed from the get-go. I’m going home.

Regina: What if I say I’m sorry? I’ve never done that before!

*Pouts*

Regina: We can go for slushies afterwards…

Jefferson: FINE!

Regina: Mmhmm, that’s what I thought.

Jefferson: Oh, and the walls can eat you.
Regina: That seems like a rather stupid security precaution. How do you cut the hedge when the hedge cuts back?

*Are revealing their position*

Jefferson: I sort of feel like we were cheating.
Regina: No, we were being resourceful!

Jefferson: The queen of hearts has HORRIBLE security!

Jefferson: *Is trying to look sexy!casual*

Regina: Good thing the queen of hearts keeps a guide on the other wall or me knowing exactly which drawer to pick would have no explanation…

Jefferson: You found it! *Sarcastic!Squee*

Guards: Hey you!
Jefferson: Crap! Run!
Regina: Why did I wear heels?

Jefferson: This would be a great time to use your firestarting ability!
Regina: It’s recharging!
Jefferson: YOU GOTTA BE KIDDING ME!

Regina: For heaven’s sake Jefferson! Stop twirling! We need to get out of here!
Jefferson: I’m stunning them with my awesome coat!

*Maze is closed*

Jefferson: Why couldn’t you have just done something like that in the first place?

Jefferson: I’m so glad that I run 30 miles a day

Regina: MUSHROOM!
Jefferson: What the-?

Jefferson: This is no time for snacking! I ASKED you if you wanted to eat when we were at the food court!
Regina: I wasn’t hungry then!

*So…did Regina’s father strap in? Or did he bounce around the box while she ran?*

*Is Regina’s dad*

Jefferson: Uh…this couldn’t have waited until we were out? I mean, it’s been revealed that some magic can cross over worlds so…what gives?

Regina: I luv yu, daddah!

Do the Roar Kid: I luv yu, daddah!

Jefferson: He…looks…nothing like you.

Regina: Well…see you Jefferson!

Jefferson: Wait! Why can’t we just…hug really right and fall through the looking glass?

Regina: Won’t work. You know Jefferson, you suck! You abandoned your kid to fulfill a mission and so you have no one to blame but yourself.
Henry:…..Huh?

Jefferson: *Is imitating Regina* You have no one to blame but yourself.

Jefferson: I sort of had to do it for you because you would’ve probably ended up hurting me or Grace to get it done! What kind of logic gas does your brain run on?!

Regina: Diesel!

Henry: Don’t forget to write!

Jefferson: NOES! *Stamps feet*

Knave of Hearts: I hate it when we let the queen pick our winter outfits, I look absolutely silly!

Knave of Hearts: Why does he have a better wardrobe than I do? I think I would rock being the mad hatter and wearing leather pants.

Jefferson: Carry me?

Jefferson: Or….this is good too….

*Geez Queen of Hearts, put in a guardrail*

Knave of Hearts: We’re not even wearing the same shade of red!

Jefferson: Uh…hi everyone…what’s up?

Knave of Hearts: The Queen whose face we’re obscuring because there’s a high chance it might be someone we recognize or WILL recognize eventually wants to know how exactly you got here.

Jefferson: Pfft. You’re queen has to talk through an ox horn. Noob.

Knave of Hearts: Someone wearing that glass house of a hairdo shouldn’t throw rocks.

Jefferson: The last person that dissed my hair was NEVER seen again.

Knave of Hearts: Oh don’t make me laugh sugar britches.

Jefferson: Hey! What’s that?

Jefferson: I could try to run but…I guess I could just stand right here…

Guard: *Pops head off*

Knave of Hearts: Wow, that…green screen effect is horrible!
Queen of Hearts: I NO RITE?

Jefferson: AUGH! There’s blood on my sexy coat! How am I talking without my vocal cords?

Jefferson: How am I breathing oxygen?!
Guard: This is…disgusting.

Knave of Hearts: Alright, looks like we got a volleyball for the cooperate picnic!

Knave of Hearts: Or you could just make hats….lots of hats….and please make me something better than the one I’m wearing.

Jefferson: I’m down with that…c-can you let go of my hair please? I’m starting to get a headache…

Jefferson: I can’t believe they made my hair look like this before the curse hit. I was rocking that hairdo.

Emma: How am I even supposed to know which side is the front?!

Jefferson: I can’t believe you’re our savior!

Jefferson: First of all, you’re stitching is ALL wrong. Now I’m going to undo it and you’re going to do it again and if you don’t do it right then I’m going to take that electric guitar in the corner and beat you with it.
Emma: I REALLY can’t see you playing that.

Jefferson: Don’t make fun of me!
Emma: I’m just saying!

Emma: Is that another huge impressive telescope? How many do you have?
Jefferson: There wasn’t enough of my huge impressive telescope to be able to be on one stand.

Emma: Oh wow, you just got TWENTY times creepier….

Jefferson: Just because I drugged and kidnapped you and am holding your friend for leverage to make my magic hat because I think you’re a savior and I like to watch a little girl in NO way means I’m weird!

Emma: What ELSE do you need as proof?

Jefferson: That’s my daughter you dirty minded person!!

Emma: I think that in some ways that makes it even worse.

Jefferson: Personal space invasion time! My daughter doesn’t know that she’s my daughter and so I watch her to keep her protected…or…because I’m lonely or something. Because I have everything that I can’t give her.

Emma: And you can’t just come up to her and say…, ‘hey kid, I’m your father?’

Jefferson: No Emma! That would be insane!

Emma: Well we wouldn’t want people to think that.

Jefferson: *Is oblivious* I know, right?

Emma: And so you think that you’re a fairy tale person and she’s your daughter?

Jefferson: *Actual Dialogue* I don’t think! *Not Actual Dialogue* Oh wait, I better add something after that because I’m just opening myself up for ridicule… *Actual dialogue* I know.

Emma: Okay so let me get this line of thinking straight…You don’t want to reveal yourself to your daughter in this world…but you’re hoping I can make a magic hat just by…making it…and then you’re going to kidnap the daughter you don’t want to reveal yourself to and take her to the fairy tale land all the while hoping that she’ll recognize you and haven’t thought of a contingency in case she won’t?

Jefferson: My plan is flawless!

Emma: And by supporting me being the savior and waking everyone up…aren’t you therefore exposing your daughter to the same kind of two lifetime memory madness that you want to protect her from?

Jefferson: Um… I’m crazy?

Emma: Tell me something I don’t know.

Emma: You do realize that if what you say is right then the woman in there is my mother and the village idiot is my father and I might just be about to marry Rumpelstiltskin, right?

Jefferson: Um…they’re the same age as you, silly Emma! Geez and you think I’m crazy!

Jefferson: Hey, you know…if your kid and my kid are approximately the same age…that could make us in laws one day, right?!

Emma: …..

Emma: NEVER!
Jefferson: No! Not the face! Not the face!

Emma: Wow, I’ve never seen blood shoot THAT far out of someone’s nose before?

Emma: Well since restraining him somehow would be RIDICULIOUS, I suppose that the only other solution is to run!

Emma: Okay Mary, I hope there’s some circulation in your legs because if you can’t keep up with me as soon as I free you then you’re on your own.

Jefferson: HUG TACKLE!

Jefferson: Hey, who does your shoes? I want to see closer *Drags*
Emma: Ow, carpet burn

Jefferson: Let’s straighten out your back problems; I’m also a practicing chiropractor.

*Oh my, he’s certainly eager to get on top of her, isn’t he?*

Emma: *Sees scar* EWWWWWWWW!

Jefferson: HULK THROW *Throws across room*

Jefferson: Okay now tell me…give me your honest opinion? Will this shade of black make my scar stand out? I mean later in other episodes, it doesn’t even look like I have one.

Emma: Oh my heaven….that hat makes him look so…he’s so…SEXY.

Jefferson: I know right?

*Roundhouse kicks*

Mary: Wow…I have a lot of strength in my itty bitty legs! I think he shot five feet out that window!

Emma: You’re…surprisingly okay with possibly killing someone…

Emma: Holy crap, he runs FAST!

Mary: Aw! Look at the little mini!Jefferson down there!
Mini!Jefferson: Let me out! Let me out!
Emma: He’s so cute!
Mini!Jefferson: Shut up!
Mary: We should make him our pet.

Emma: Well….that wasn’t the weirdest night I’ve ever had but it certainly comes close.
Mary: What kind of night would…okay you know what? I don’t think I want to ask.

Emma: By the way…were you taking kickboxing lessons and not telling me about it?

Mary: There was a Walker Texas Ranger marathon on the other day.

Mary: Hey Emma…Jefferson won’t be needing this place anymore…can we live here?

Emma: BUMBLEBEE! You’re alive!

Mary: Huh. That tarp is…a horrible hiding place.

Emma: Mary, I hope that while you were running away, you realize that how selfish you are. Not only are you cheating me out on half the rent but losing you is probably going to give Regina the leverage she needs to cost me my job.

Mary: Hm. Yeah that sucks.

Mary: Well…see ya, Emma!

Emma: *Throws keys* Yeah, that’s not as funny coming from someone else as it is coming from me.

Mary: Emma, the last time I got in the driver’s seat of the car, you pulled me out through the window.

Emma: Yeah well…I’m sure no one will spot you in a bright yellow damaged bug and…Mr. Gold will probably want me to drive him around in that outdated rust bucket…I guess I’ll have to find a new maid of honor for my wedding…I imagine…um…Regina will be up to the task…

Mary: Wait…maid of honor?! When exactly did any engagement happen?

Emma: I don’t want to think about it! But long story short, I’m going to marry Mr. Gold to protect you, but if you run then he won’t’ be really fulfilling much of his end of the bargain and it’s going to be pointless because I won’t even have Bumblebee anymore!

Mary: Well…I DO like weddings…and I am signed on as a regular.

*Bestie Power*

Mary: And now our bestieism shall be stronger than ever!

Emma: *Starts crying* I might sort of enjoy being besties now.

*Clock starts*

Emma: Good thing we escaped right before the arraignment…

Mary: That’s an interesting coinkidink

Emma: Well…start running Mary.

Regina: I should take her spot…and when she tries to tow me then she loses her privileges with Henry that I’ve never allowed her to have onscreen anyway.

Regina: Life is good!

Regina: Well, might as well start my plans for taking over Mary’s loft. I always wanted that place as a vacation home!

Mary: You know the point of inner monologue is that you don’t say it out loud.

Regina: Stupid framed stepdaughter! *Glares*

Gold: Hiiii your majesty!

Regina: I have mace.

Gold: And I have a katana hidden in my cane, wanna see?

Mary: Just what the heck goes on with those two anyway?

Gold: Goodnight queenie, do you have roadrunner legs or something? Slow down!

Regina: I should remind you vaguely of our deal that I made while trusting you, even though we hate each other and I stole the cup of your supposed dead girlfriend to piss you off and made you quite aware of it.

Gold: *Regina Mocking Smirk* Well, it’s not my fault that our pawns didn’t do what you assumed they’d do.

Regina: Don’t make me sneak into your house and replace your cane with a longer one to make you think you’re getting shorter!

Gold: As if my cane could possibly get any longer.

Regina: EWWWW!

Gold: Oh you walked into that one! You can’t make me upset!

Gold: I’ve gotten engaged you know!

Gold: This is a great deal. I’ve wormed my way in to annoy you and get everything I want while you got nothing, and I’m getting a wife and son out of the deal and I’m legally representing the woman that you hate. I can’t believe you didn’t see this coming! Go me!

Regina: Well you know what….?

Regina: *Storms off*

Gold: Well this is an off day for me…usually she’s on the verge of a nervous breakdown after I talk to her.

Henry: So…an angry mob isn’t chasing you out of town so I can assume that you found grandma.
Emma: Henry I haven’t had any coffee yet, so if you start on this whole fairy tale is real thing, I happen to have a new large hat that I don’t mind shoving you into.

Henry: I hope you’ll be interested to know that if you aren’t willing to marry my stepdad then I don’t want you to either. Mr. Gold says he can’t give me a new sibling if he’s chasing you around the room or trying to pull you in from escaping out the window.

Emma: Oh Henry, after the night I had, I would race up to that altar and give you as many siblings as you want because someone who kidnapped me succeeded in ACTUALLY being creepier than he is.

Henry: Phew, dodged that bullet!

Paige: *Voice evil and demanding* Give me your milk money!

Emma: Who the frick was that?!
Henry: Oh, that’s my girlfriend.

Paige: *Voice evil and demanding* My homework better be on the table when I get there.

Emma: What are the chances that the only time this girl has approached my son when I’m onscreen is also the episode that has her being mentioned by the psycho that had me in his house last night?