Once Upon A Time: Abridged: 110

*Sunny Day*

Henry: What are your plans for you and my mom?

Stranger: Do you always start off conversations like this?

Henry: More than you know….

Henry: What are your plans for you my mom?

Graham: I will abandon the woman I am dating now and marry her!

Henry: Get lost, loser *Slams*

Henry: What are your plans for you and my mom?

Archie: We will get married and give you SO many siblings and live in a quiet cabin in the woods!

Henry: Meh.

Henry: What are your plans for you and my mom?

Mr. Gold: We shall marry at once! Fill my creepy pink antique house with the sound of children’s laughter, kill your adopted mother and take over the town!

Henry: YES!

Henry: So why are you in town?

Stranger: Because I felt the tugging of love interest potential and decided to follow it!

Stranger: Any more questions little boy?! Or are you going off to school on the one day a week you actually attend?

Regina: I’m going to have to find more hiding places for the people I kill than in my massive closet. It’s starting to get crowded.

Henry: I sort of like you, Mr. Stranger. That’s why I advise you to stay away from my mother. I wouldn’t want to have to resort to…unpleasant means in order to keep you two apart.

Regina: What on earth? Is Henry smiling?! I can’t have that!

Regina: Henry! I don’t pay Mr. Hopper for you to be happy!

Stranger: Uh oh…someone who may or may not confirm anything about me!

Stranger: See ya, shorty!

Regina: Who one earth was that?! *Half glomps. Absorbs happiness*

Henry: Oh, nobody important. I think it’s safe to say that I made sure he won’t stay long.

Emma: Mmmmmm. Cereal on a cold day

Emma: Wait…I think I just bit into the prize.

*What did our parents teach us about running with toothbrushes in our mouths? Mary is a HORRIBLE role model*

Mary: *Stubs toe* Ach!

Mary: So late, so late…hey, no one did the dishes!

Mary: *Spazzes*

Emma: *Is unfazed*

Mary: I’vegottagonow,seeyoulaterbestie!

Emma: Yep.

*Runs into door*

Emma: Wait, was something off?

*Whistling that hospital song from Kill Bill*

Mary: Oh, no one’s here for breakfast? That’s odd.

Mary: Good thing I knocked David over when he was leaving his house during my rush because now I have time to get ready!

Mary: House of Leaves book….

*Is a spoon that distorts your face REALLY what you want to trust when you’re checking your hair?*

Mary: Annnndddd……

Mary: Time.

*David is punctual*

David: Hi Ruby. You’re the one true thing that makes sense since I woke up.

Ruby: Stop trying to get free coffee David. If I make Mr. Gold pay then I’m making you pay.

Mary: *Happy sigh* He’s so dreamy!

Mary: I mean….*Whistles innocently*

David: Mary? Is that you?!

Mary: HI DAVID! What are the chances that we’d see each other again after we meet here every day?

David: We see each other every day?

Mary: Ah, I forgot you had the memory of a goldfish.

David: *Giggles*

Mary: *Giggles*

David: *Giggles* *Snorts*

Mary: *Moment’s ruined*

David: Well, now that my wife has finally allowed me back in the house for almost leaving her, I better bring her the coffee before it gets cold and I find myself sleeping on the porch again trying to win her back by writing poetry.

David: See ya!

Mary: *Annoyed sigh*

David: Hi pumpkin muffles!

Mary: Whore.

Emma: You realize you’re shoving that knife so far into the table that you’ve cut a hole right through it, right?

Mary: You’re stalking me?!

Emma: You’re stalking David?

Mary: It’s only stalking if they don’t want it.

Emma: *Doesn’t buy it* Mm-hmm.

Mary: I mean he hasn’t said anything when I bumped into him in here, in front of his house, at the bakery, or the Chinese store, or the cannery, or the garage, or the cabin in the woods when they were on a romantic getaway, or the toll bridge, or the playground, or Kathryn’s workplace or…

Emma: Just think about what you’re saying.

Mary: Well it doesn’t matter because he seems to forget as soon as we meet anyway.

Emma: Oh Mary, as much as I’m dreading you to return to your more manic traits if you break up with him mentally, I think it’s time you let this go.

Mary: I thought they made me charming!

Emma: Oh Mary….absolutely not.

*Is sad*

*Is a turkey*

Snow: That’s right birdie, Snow White’s gonna have a great Thanksgiving!

Red: *Kicks bird out of the way* Like, Don’t do it Snow! You know PETA would throw a fit! They’d rather see you nude!

Snow: Ugh, stupid demeaning corporations.

Red: Like, where have you been? I’ve TOTALLY brought your supplies for a month!

Snow: All in that basket?!

Snow: I could’ve made it a month with that turkey!

Red: Like, don’t worry about it, okay?!

Snow: And how is Charming?

Red: Oh you know, he called all of us Sorority girls over for a house party but he put us all in your outfit and cried ‘Why can’t you be Snow White?’. And then is father came in, shooed all of us out and then Redirected us to his chambers.

Snow: Oh….good for him.

Red: And then he popped Charming upside the head, yelled that he was marrying Abigail whether he wanted to or not. Charming cried, sat down, and held his breath. George sat there and watched him until he passed out. It was hilarious.

Snow: Well, it sounds like he’s nice and adjusted to his new life. And even though I’m a princess any chance of us getting married TOTALLY can’t happen. Any chance you know how I can forget about him?

Red: Uh…you knew him for one episode and most of that was you both snarking at each other. For heaven’s sake Snow, WE spent more time together!

Snow: Aw! You know someone that can help me forget, don’t you?

Red: Uh…Kind of?

Snow: WHAT DO YOU KNOW?!

Red: *Annoyed Sigh* Like during rush week, my initiation was to get married to Rumpelstiltskin. We were happy for like 6 hours and then I found him staring longingly at a cup and he said he’d never love me more than he loved that. We got it annulled before the honeymoon was over.

Snow: You married Rumpelstiltskin?

Red: Like, for a dare! Apparently what happened is par for the course with him. But when I was married to him I saw him do all kinds of naughty things that might be able to help you.

Snow: UGH!

Red: Not like that, Snow! OMG!

Snow: I wish Red had arranged a better meeting than at Fog Lake!

Snow: Why couldn’t we meet in a well-lit village square?

Rumpelstiltskin: Hiiiiii

Snow: AHHHHH!

Snow: DUDE!

Rumpelstiltskin: I see you kept the boat that I gave you when we were dating in college!

Snow: After months of therapy and trying to forget those days…all gone in that sentence.

Rumpelstiltskin: Aw…you missed me!

Rumpelstiltskin: Can I have a greeting hug?

Snow: I’d rather you not.

Rumpelstiltskin: Well “I” would rather fondle your face as creepily as possible!

Rumpelstiltskin: You’ve come FAR from the pencil neck pimply faced geek that I used to know and like.

Snow: Um….thanks?

Rumpelstiltskin: So, I’m guessing you’re here to beg for me to take you back.

Snow: Frick no! I don’t know where you’ve been!

Rumpelstiltskin: Ooooooo. You wouldn’t by any chance have any other females in your family that I’ve yet to pursue that’s as mouthy as you are, do you?

Snow: Not yet.

Rumpelstiltskin: Looking forward to it!

Snow: Don’t count on that! I’m trying to forget the man I fell in love with!

Rumpelstiltskin: I’m offended that it’s not me!

Rumpelstiltskin: What did he do to hurt you? I’ll shove him in this little bottle!

Rumpelstiltskin: *Filling bottle* You were always SO cute. I could never let anyone hurt you! Except when it benefits my master plan.

Rumpelstiltskin: Yeah, a bottle of lake water ought to make you forget real well. Its germs and bacteria will make you so ill that you’ll totally forget everything else.

Snow: I don’t think I want it!

Rumpelstiltskin: I’m trying to help you here! My gosh you’re such a girl!

*Pulls hair*

Snow: OW!

Rumpelstiltskin: So just consume this and you’ll forget all about him! Was I just going to give you something…random to make you forget? It’s a good thing we didn’t meet in the middle of a mudslide or…sewer or something.

Snow: *Is nauseated* And then I’ll forget Charming forever?

Rumpelstiltskin: Charming?! You’re dating Charming?!

Rumpelstiltskin: Why would you date HIM for?

Rumpelstiltskin: Were all the good ones but me taken or something?

Rumpelstiltskin: I mean…*Giggles*

Rumpelstiltskin: Your hair will serve as payment!

Snow: That’s….kind of an unhealthy creepy stalkerish thing to take as payment.

Rumpelstiltskin: Oh don’t worry. I doubt it’ll come back to serve any plan that I may have in the future!

Snow: Creepy.

Rumpelstiltskin: It’s what I do.

Snow: You know something? I kinda miss you.

Rumpelstiltskin: Oh kiddo, that ship sailed a long time ago.

*Is sad*

Rumpelstiltskin: See you later!

Rumpelstiltskin: *Coughs* That’s not the fog machine, that’s the smoke machine you morons!

Mary: Oh chocolate, sometimes I think you’re the only one that understands me.

*Runs into Kathryn. What a coincidence*

Regina: Why am I at a poor person’s shop?

*Struggles not to punch Kathryn in the face*

Kathryn: *Prattles on*

*Everyone flocks to Mr. Clark’s Generic General Store for the cotton swab brand “Cotton Swabs”. It’s well known*

Mary: Well, let’s see if your test turns out positive when I shove it down your throat!

Kathryn: Oh, I love your sense of humor!

Mary: I’ll show you how much you love my sense of humor if we ever end up in a room together!

*Skips off*

Regina: Don’t you have work?!

Charming: I wish daddy had at least let me keep the sorority girls

George: Hello non-apple of my eye.

Charming: Hello daddy dearest.

George: Your bachelor party is downstairs. I even wore my best…dress.

Charming: I would rather have had the one with the sorority girls!

George: Yeah too bad. I know what those girls REALLY do. I know they’re secretly a team of elite cons that you hired to help you escape.

Charming: I did NOT know that.

George: I think you’re smarter than what you look, boy!

Charming: You’d be wrong sir!

George: Do you realize what you just said?

Charming: I’m going to find Snow White and she will be my wife!

George: An imposter and a felon. Good pairing there.

George: Well as exciting as that fan fiction is, reality says that you’re going to get married to Abigail and you’re going to keep her pleased enough to keep us prosperous for the rest of my life at least.

Charming: Why don’t YOU marry Abigail!

George: Oh son. I think Midas would have a heart attack from laughter if I ever suggested that.

Charming: *Giggles*

George: Now if you don’t put this crown on that Midas was nice enough to send you, then I’m going to…I don’t know…hang you over the balcony or something.

George: IS THAT CLEAR YOUNG MAN?!

*Glare*

*Glare*

*Glare*

*Is faltering*

*Storms off*

Charming: Okay, I’m beginning to think that daddy doesn’t love me!

Charming: My plan to get the Sorority girls to break me out didn’t work so I’m just going to have to get my kinda girlfriend to do it.

Charming: Find Snow White…I showed you her picture for five minutes. So I think you have her face down…

Charming: Be free!

Charming: I just remembered that carrier pigeons only work when they know where they’re supposed to be going!

Mary: I’m just going to go find a random cliff to jump off of and THAT’LL show then all!

Mary: Is school out?

Bird: TWEET TWEET!

Mary: I heard that all the way up here?

Mary: Oh no little birdie!

Danvers the Dove: I’m sure my getting caught in this net will have absolutely no impact on the status of the two characters that this episode is about.

Mary: *Grabs* Well, let’s just get you to the vet!

Danvers the Dove: I’d rather just get released now!

Mary: STOP PECKING AT ME!

Danvers the Dove: Release me at once fowl human! Or suffer the wrath of my kind!

Mary: Why is he tweeting so much?

Animal Shelter Guy: Oh he’s just scared.

Mary: Scared. Much like me when I was ready to help a man wreck his marriage.

*Nice to see David is as useful as ever*

Animal Shelter Guy: If you don’t get it to its flock then it’ll probably be separated from the other birds forever due to the storm that is just happening to come in and it’ll be alone forever.

Mary: But…that’s totally symbolic of my life right now!

David: I’m confused.

Mary: Aw! Well give her to me so that I can keep her as a pet!

Animal Shelter Guy: Here you go!

Mary: Thank you!

Mary: *Glares at David for daring to possibly get his ‘kind of’ wife pregnant. *

David: Whoa! What was that?!

David: Mary! You can’t keep it as a pet! Mr. Gold has strict instructions on pets that can also double as meals in his leasing agreements!

Mary: Silly David! I’m letting it go!

David: I could do that!

*Are there even fish in that tank?*

Mary: David, I want it done RIGHT!

*Storms off*

David: Curse my inadequacy!

Regina: I would like a word with you, Sheriff Swan!

Emma: I’ll have to be quick because I’m barely in this episode!

Regina: You just bring all kinds into my town aren’t you! You brought yourself! And some stranger that keeps riding off every time I try and approach him!

Emma: You have until I’m done loading up the car trunk, Regina. Otherwise I’m driving off and leaving you here to talk to yourself!

Regina: He was talking to Henry.

*Cue brakes*

Emma: Why does all the trouble always start when Henry goes up to someone and starts talking?

Regina: I don’t know! He’s your son!

Emma: Was Stranger Danger never on your agenda to teach?

Regina: He hangs out with Mr. Gold. I always thought that would be the biggest threat in this town.

Emma: Well, apparently not!

Regina: Do you think this is funny?!

Emma: *Chuckles heartily*

Regina: This isn’t a joke Ms. Swan! I read Henry’s diary today and he’s talking about how he wants the Stranger’s motorcycle!

Regina: Of course I won’t tell you the homicidal lengths that he’ll go to get it, but he wants his motorcycle! And he would ride….with a leather jacket! The horror!

Emma…

Emma: I’ll go have a word with him.

Regina: You do that.

Regina: Stupid storm. *Glares*

Snow: Well at least a pretty vial came with it!

*Is a bird*

Snow: Why can’t the queen make some kind of biological weapon and send it by carrier pigeon?

Charming: Dearest Snow, I am about to be married to the woman that I loathe more than my fake daddy and Midas combined. I have no choice but to beg for you to come and fix it because me making a bed sheet ladder or a parachute or a boat is out of the question. We’ll just say that Rumpelstiltskin keeps bringing me back or something. When I protest he jumps on the table and sings ‘Put on a Happy Face.’ It’s really disturbing.

Snow: *Giggles* That’s SO him!

Charming: So long story short Snow, I would be really appreciative if you came and helped me because like my Storybrooke counterpart, I may be able to fight dragons…but leaving girls is too hard!

Snow: He needs me!

*Driving!*

Mary: Pfft! What storm?

*Ooooo, could Storybrooke be Silent Hill?*

Mary: Oh well! Randomly running in the woods seems like a solution!

Mary: And here I go!

Snow: I’m sneaky!

Snow: These are flowers from Midas.

Organizer: You have got to be kidding…really? It’s going to be this easy to get into the palace?

Organizer: Midas insists that his servants wear gold. Are you wearing gold?

Snow: No…..

Organizer: And all the flowers came on a cart. Are you on a cart?

Snow: No….

Organizer: And they have a pass…do you have a pass?

Snow: No…..

Organizer: Okay, you can go in.

Snow: Seriously? Okay then….

Organizer: Just don’t try and assassinate Prince James like the last five pretty girls I let in.

Snow: *Throws flowers to the side*

Snow: Why am I walking around like I know this place?

George: DON’T WALK AWAY FROM ME JAMES!
Charming: I WISH RUMPELTILTSKIN WAS MY FATHER! HE WOULD’VE LET ME MARRY SNOW!

Snow: Oh no! Better hide!

Charming: Stupid daddy doesn’t understand my manly needs!
Snow: Okay, okay, okay, breathe Snow. Breathe!

Snow: I’ll play hide and seek with him for a few seconds!

Charming: Hey that column I walked by looked remarkably like my girlfriend!

Snow: Ugh. Idiot.
Charming: It talks like her too!

*Is found*
*Dishes break. Trashcan falls*
Charming: *Is oblivious.*

Snow: You can’t do this to me! I’m a princess!

Guard: Well just because you look remarkably like this wanted poster does NOT mean you are who you say you are.

Snow: I think that if I can let out all my breath then I can get through these bars.

*Pouts and plops down*

Grumpy: Well that was hilarious to watch.

Snow: What do you care?

Grumpy: You are feeling…depressed about a certain man that you are not able to attain romantically aren’t you?

Snow: How did you know?

Grumpy: This is the fairy tale realm! Love is why anyone does anything around here!

Snow: Yeah that’s all fascinating. Hey you got a lock picking kit?

Grumpy: Yes.

Snow: Can I have it?

Grumpy: Well I don’t have it ON me, what kind of prisoner would I be if I had it and hadn’t escaped yet?!

Snow: That figures.

Grumpy: Hey, wanna hear my life story?

Snow: Not particularly

Grumpy: Oh….

Grumpy: I’ll tell you anyway!

*Is horrified*

Grumpy: I was hatched from a giant egg and I’m also in love with a clumsy fairy that looks a lot like Amy Acker and I was thrown in here when a diamond I was paying off happened to be stolen. Don’t know why I ended up in the castle dungeon but oh well…

Grumpy: I guess we can say I got thrown in prison for a little loving.

Snow: *Yawn* That’s your backstory? Really?

Grumpy: You wouldn’t understand! You’re used to being all mopey and angsty! You wouldn’t understand a more lighthearted backstory if it came to bite you in the backside!

Stealthy the Chuck Norris of Dwarves: Hi! We gotta hurry! I left a trial of bodies leading right here! All fictims of round house kicks.

Grumpy: Well done!

Stealthy the Chuck Norris of Dwarves: I can’t believe you! We’re risking our lives and you’re hanging around chatting up girls!

Snow: Uh…there’s no ‘chatting up’ going on here!

Snow: Hm…how do I get them to take me along? Oh!

Snow: Lalalala!

Grumpy: No! Run!

Snow: Lalalala!

Grumpy: Curses! I’m convinced!

Stealthy the Chuck Norris of Dwarves: If something happens to me because she slowed us down!

Grumpy: Oh, you’ll live!

Grumpy: Let’s go, Storky!

Stealthy the Chuck Norris of Dwarves: Getting old!
Grumpy: *Is annoyed* And truthfully I’d rather have you as my partner in crime any day.

Mary: Here dovies dovies dovies dovies!

Mary: *Gasp!* Me. A hill. Now would be the perfect time for me to reenact the Little House on the Prairie TV Show Introduction!

*Drops cage*
Danvers the Dove: OW!

*Hums introduction song*

Danvers the Dove: Okay that did it. Time for me to break out my telekinesis of evil.

*Falls*
*I thought I was the only one that could roll off a cliff just by standing there*

*Is hanging around*

Mary: Who put this cliff here?! It IS silent Hill

*CGI cliffs are always the worst. You never know just how far you’re going to fall*

David: I’ve got you Mary!

*Doesn’t seem like the most trustworthy branch to hold onto*

Mary: David! The one thing on this show that you haven’t completely screwed up!

David: Shh Mary! *Sniffs hair* There done.

Mary: Oh wait! I wish your married self had never saved my life!

*Storms off*

David: Heh. That looks far.

David: Hey Mary, did I walk here?

David: Wait for me!

Mary: How did the birdcage get all the way over here?

David: Danvers tried to escape. I grabbed the cage and slammed it over him!

Mary: No David! I told you he’s not my pet! You were SUPPOSED to let him go!

David: I’ll carry the cage!

Mary: No “I” will!

*Both start tugging*

Grumpy: Well running around certainly is easy. Good thing that sleeping gas effected every…single…person in the castle.

Snow: What are you dwarves made out of? Cheetahs? Slow down!

Snow: Hey, let’s go down this tunnel. I don’t hear any screams of the tortured down there.

Stealthy the Chuck Norris of Dwarves: But this tunnel is labeled ‘shortcut for prison escapees.

Snow: But I KNOW castles!

Stealthy the Chuck Norris of Dwarves: And I know…castle…tunnels for some reason.

Stealthy the Chuck Norris of Dwarves: Grumpinator, what do you think?

Grumpy: Uuuuhhhhhhhhh!

Stealthy the Chuck Norris of Dwarves: Well that solves it! Bros before hos

Grumpy: I’m in!

Grumpy: You know that phrase is extremely offensive.

Stealthy the Chuck Norris of Dwarves: I know.

Grumpy: And that doesn’t bother you?

Stealthy the Chuck Norris of Dwarves: It cuts me like a hole in the heart *Is sarcastic*

Snow: I’ll just…wait here then.

Stealthy the Chuck Norris of Dwarves: I SO want to jump in that pile of hay right now!

Stealthy the Chuck Norris of Dwarves: Odd. The courtyard was full when I just walked in. Shouldn’t there be at least bodies from the sleeping gas or something?

Grumpy: Looks like they all woke up. You let Dopey mix the chemicals again didn’t you?

George: Stop foul dwarves!

Grumpy: Okay!

Stealthy the Chuck Norris of Dwarves: See you!

*Dies*

George: Is this why you all interrupted my fitting for the ceremony? I’m in my underwear here!

*Is trying to buy mental mind bleach*

George: Oh well. Kill him.

Frank the Guard: Is it a good idea for us to kill the only guy that knows where Snow White is? Okay then….

Grumpy: Is THIS how you treat actors that were on Pirates of the Caribbean?!

Snow: Stop. Or this random pile of hay that just happened to be near the action will burn!

George: For heaven’s sake! There are GUARDS BEHIND YOU! How did no one see you walk in? I think it’s time I make some employment cuts soon.

Snow: Let the dwarf go so that I can be guaranteed to have a home in the future.

George: But I want to know what it’s like to work with Johnny Depp!

Grumpy: Oh no! I don’t want people to recognize me!

*Runs*

*Is smirky*

George: I guess I could hold you for ransom but….nah.

Mary: We could’ve just headed to my car!

David: Or this random cabin over there! That’s good too!

Mary: I certainly hope Mr. Gold doesn’t’ have one of his dates here!

David: I certainly hope Mr. Gold doesn’t have one of his victims here! I don’t want to be a witness!

Mary: You see anything?

David: No blood spatters or scattered clothes. I think we’re okay!

David: Hey it’s unlocked too!

David: And Mr. Gold says I can’t even open doors by myself! How does he like me now? *Does goofy hand gestures*

David: Oh, my bad Mary. Come in.

David…

David: *Tries to see if he can see his breath*

Danvers the Dove: Someone has GOT to stop this nonsense!

David: Hey Mary, wanna play who can touch the flames the longest? Kathryn never plays, she always forfeits when it’s her turn. See you put your hand in the fire like th-

David: OUCH!

*Is starting to question her choice in men*

David: See? Easy!

David: Your turn! *trying to edge her over with the blanket*

Mary: I’d only play if you hadn’t played the game with Kathryn first! In more ways than one!

David: ?

*David sort of reminds me of a pit bull that my extended family own. The only difference is that I think David would get hit by the cars he’d chase*

Mary: David before you try and grope me anymore I think that we should talk about that hobag woman you married.

David: Yeah I’m…kinda working on that…

Mary: Well work harder! It’s getting harder not to run her down every time she skips in front of my car.

David: Hurt Puppy eyes.

Mary: Married hurt puppy eyes.

David: *Rolls eyes* Trifles.

*Is REALLY questioning her taste in men.*

David: Lala *voice cracks*

Mary: Shut UP David!

*Pitbull face*

Mary: We can’t do anything while your wife might be popping out a mini!you.

David: Wait…that’s a baby right?

Emma: Anyone creepy in here?

Emma: Awesome, finally I can recover from my frostbite. You never realize how many creepers there are in this town until you have to take shelter from the storm that came out of nowhere!

*Is minding his own business*

Emma: Bother the hot guy? Don’t mind if I do!

Emma: Hi-

Stranger: Being new to the town doesn’t at all mean I serve a greater purpose!

Emma: I keep trying that same argument and it doesn’t work. Every time I try it, Henry, or Mr. Gold, or Regina just laugh, say ‘uh-huh’ and pat me on the head.

Stranger: I’d hug you!

Emma: I’d allow it.

Stranger: Oh?

Emma: No.

Stranger: Ah-ha! You are a fox with a heart of stone I see! I rather look forward to this challenge!

Emma: Many have tried recently.

Stranger: How many have jet black hair, scruff, and ride a motorcycle?

Emma: None, but all try and befriend my son to get to me. To hear certain someone’s tell the story you were practically crawling through the window with your motorbike on your back to talk to him

.

Stranger: Oh for heaven’s sake, he ran up to me and started asking about my intentions with you!

Emma: Don’t let that let you think you have a chance!

Stranger: Hey Emma…WHAT’S IN THE BOX?!

Emma:…..

Stranger: You sure you don’t want to turn back now?

Stranger: Last chance!

Stranger: Ta-da!

Emma: *Is unamused* Fascinating.

Stranger: I’m SO gonna be the next bestseller!

Emma: *Sigh* Which means I’m going to be supplying all the income.

Stranger: Why am I randomly going to the laundry room?

Emma: Oh well. I tried.

David: But I can’t be a father! I don’t even remember if we tried or not!

Mary: *Is horrified* David I don’t want to think about that!

David:….not a big shocker though, I don’t even remember what I had for lunch most of the time.

Mary: Oh David.

Mary: Storms over. I’m gonna go…walk the bird now. You know for such a wild bird, he sure is calm.

Danvers the Dove: Death to the opposition!

Mary: How odd! This expansive forest and the flock just happen to be nearby as soon as the storm is gone!

*Are practicing their role for Alfred Hitchcock’s “The Birds” *

David: I think my car’s over there!

Mary: Be free girl!

Danvers the Dove: I’m a boy!

Mary: It’s SO sweet!

Mr. Gold: Alright, who’s ready for some bird huntin’! ?

*Shoots*

Mary:……

David:……..

George: Hold on, you got a little…dirt there.

George: Do you honestly thing I would’ve let your tah-rashy fling get in the way of my fake son’s fake happiness?

Snow: I…have no idea where that letter came from.

George: I don’t know which is more offensive; the fact that you think I’d buy that or the fact that it says in there that Rumpelstiltskin sings “Put on a Happy Face.” I would PAY to see that.

Snow: Ugh. I wouldn’t…Well…I wouldn’t pay for anything more than the nosebleed section now that I think about it.

George: James is right down that hallway.

Snow: I know, he blew me a kiss when you dragged me down here.

George: But I bet what you don’t know is that he’s also building a hang glider so that he can fly over the lake and reach land.

Snow: Do I even want to know why he just can’t walk out?

George: No. Rumpelstiltskin is standing by with a rocket launcher because according to him….

Rumpelstiltskin: Everything is better with rocket launchers!

George: That is one disturbing little man

Snow: Try dating him.

George: No thanks

George: Anyway, let me tell you what your tacky little fling is gonna get us if you’re silly enough to take him in. I regret to inform you that everything in my kingdom relies on that silly little boy down the hall.

George: If he doesn’t marry Abigail then Midas doesn’t give us what we need and our kingdom starves to death or we get conquered by another army. Either way, I’ll be out of a castle and none of the hot girls will have anything to do with me and the entire kingdom will suffer because of your distasteful rendezvous. It all depends on Charming!

Snow: Then you’re doomed!

George: Don’t I know it!

Snow: I do hope you’re royally nude!

*And like always James brings disappointment*

Snow: Aw, leather pants! Looks like Rumpelstiltskin rubbed off on him more than what he’s caring to admit.

*Is oblivious*

Snow: Alright I’ve been standing here ten minutes now. Notice me already!

Charming: Snow?

Snow: Yep.

Charming: Snow?

Snow: Yep

Charming: SNOW! *Glomps*

Snow: Wow, I think you just broke all of my ribs!

Snow: This looks familiar…

Charming: Rumpelstiltskin gave it to me! Well actually he threw a whole bunch of clothes at me and said….

Rumpelstiltskin: Since you’re my new protégé, then that means you’re doing my laundry!

Charming: *Is whispering* But I stole this outfit before I had to go kill the dragon! I’ll bet he’s still looking for it!

Snow: No Charming! Bad boy!

Charming: We are going to run away together!

Charming: I know it’ll bring my fake daddy’s kingdom to financial ruin, but that’s okay!

Charming: Also my real mommy MIGHT be in hiding but I don’t know because as of episode 16, we haven’t mentioned whatever happened to her.

*Is zoning out*

Charming: But we will be together! And it’ll be amazing! And since you’re actually really a princess I can look forward to you supporting me for the rest of my life!

Snow: Nope.

Charming: *Puppy eyes* But whhyyyyy?

Snow: Because every time I look at you, I just want to go find a kennel and shove you inside.

Charming: *Puppy eyes infinity* But whhhhyyyy?

Snow: Because….Rumpelstiltskin will always be hotter than you.

Charming: *Whimpers*

Snow: See you later loser!

Snow: *Sobs* And I always had a soft spot in my heart for Rumpelstiltskin knockoffs!

Charming: *Sigh* I love looking at myself to be reminded of how pretty I am.

Kathryn: When he gets like this I have to drag him away from the mirror.

David: So…a little bird told me that you might be popping out a mini me in a few months.

*Knows immediately that it’s Mary Margaret that’s the blabbermouth*

Kathryn: Yeah…turns out I wasn’t….

David: Good!

Kathryn: *Sniffles*

David: There’s far too much pretty in this town now that I’m awake. If we popped out something that remotely resembled me then the world would explode.

Kathryn: I can’t believe what I’m hearing.

David: Well…believe it.

Kathryn: We’re going to counseling, David.

David: *Sigh* If we must.

Kathryn: You mean….you actually want to try?

David: While the idea sounds like a new one…why not?

David: Hug me!

Kathryn: I’m fine with you just holding my hands David.

*Is trying not to squee*

*The audience immediately feels bad for her*

David: Luvs you pookie.

David: Wait, what were we talking about?

Snow: And then….I walked out and he stood there like a stupefied child and did nothing!

Snow: What do I do?

Rumpelstiltskin: I think it’s time we renegotiate our dating arrangement.

Snow: Sorry kiddo, that ship sailed a long time ago.

Rumpelstiltskin: Oh baby, Rumpie likes it when they play hard to get!

Snow: I’m leaving.

Grumpy: Hi Snow!

Snow: Where did you guys come from?

Grumpy: So…see that you getting your boyfriend went great.

Snow: *Sobs* Went amazing.

Grumpy: Don’t worry about it. You can come home with us.

Snow: Moving in with 7 bachelors and singing ‘someday my prince my will come’ just doesn’t sound all that appealing.

Snow: I really hope this is poison because I have this sinking feeling that my life is going to go downhill from here.

Grumpy: NNNOOOOOO!

Grumpy: Woman. Stop being overdramatic. If I can live without Amy Acker then you can CERTAINLY live without what’s-his-face.

*Is inspired*

Grumpy: Now I’ll just…take this for my own purposes.

Emma:…One of us needs to go buy groceries today Mary. I can’t take any more cereal.

Mary: ……

Emma:…? Also I should tell you that there’s a big pink elephant dancing in the middle of the street!

Emma: What’re you looking at?

Emma: Oh yeah, I should tell you that clock’s broken.

Mary: What?

Emma: Yeah it’s about half an hour too slow.

Charming: SNOW! How do I know where you live?!

Red: So…was I just randomly waiting around?

Charming: Good news! Apparently I didn’t need any help to escape! I just pointed, yelled ‘what’s over there?’ and as soon as the guards back was turned I ran!

Red: Well she’s not here anymore…she didn’t ever come back! Nice to see that she bothered sending me a message! I’m even more worried about her now!

Charming: Oh…well…I will ALWAYS find her! Even though for all I know she could be dead considering none of us have seen her since she left the palace but…at least I’ll find her corpse!

Red: Like, that’s totally romantic!

Grumpy: Whistle while I gossip *Whistles*

Grumpy: Hey! Where’s Snow?
Doc: How about the only bed there is in this place?

*Whose bed is that? *Gasp!* Is she sleeping in Stealthy’s bed?!*

Snow: If I never went back to the cabin I was living at, then where did I get this dress?

Grumpy: The hang glider plan worked, Snow! And Rumpelstiltskin was too busy talking to you to shoot him down! You did it! You ruined a kingdom’s chance at success! I mean…you achieved your true love?