*Is
humming Pirates of the Caribbean*
Hook: Stupid
blind Emma. I’ve been standing here all day and she hasn’t noticed me!
Hook: Well…guess
I should integrate myself in the town I want to pillage….*Gives Tarzan yell*
*Splashes*
Hook: I’m
okay!
Cora: Silly
babboo, that leather is expensive! Next time you go for a swim, take everything
off!
Hook: Hey
Cora, can I drive a horseless buggy?
Cora: No.
Hook: Talk
into one of those bricks and see if it talks back?
Cora: No.
Hook: Play…Frisbee
with a lonely puppy?
Cora: No.
Hook: Screw
this noise then, I’m going be ineffective ELSEWHERE!
Hook: Oh,
there’s a pretty redhead over there. I think I’ll be effective at the only
thing I’m good at and that’s getting pepper sprayed! See ya, Cora!
Hook: What,
this again? MOVE WOMAN, I don’t know how many languages I NEED to use to tell
you that you creep me out but when I have to resort to miming, I Have the
feeling that it’s not me that has the problem.
Cora: Except
I MAY have not known what I was saying when I told you that magic wasn’t
here….whoopsies. Looks like we’re stuck hanging out.
Hook: Well
maybe you should just do your own work!
Cora: I
can’t. My hands are full with this parasol I have at night…for some reason.
Hook: Oh…well…parasols
are a bother to have to hold when
ruining lives…I guess I’m stuck…
Cora: Well…what
are you gonna do?
Hook: You
could just close it….
Cora: You
know what natural light does to my complexion! I could burst into flames at any
moment!
Hook: *Is
plotting to poke some holes into that parasol*
Fish
Nobody: Hey guys…I noticed you guys have been sort of docked there
all day…which is ridiculous because you have to pay…and what was with that
weird guy standing on the mast and glaring at everyone? Driving away business!
Hook: Gr…someone
more appealing than me!
Cora: *Is
trying the puppy eyes* He has…problems!
Fish
Nobody: Nice stealth boat by the way. No one would think to look
for that with all its bright colors.
*Is
gone*
Fish
Nobody: Hey, that’s a neat trick! And here I thought you two were
just randomly roleplaying because no one dresses like you do and I’m not put
out by it at all.
Cora: He
knows our secret! He knows that we’re evil!
Hook: Stella!
What? Where did you go? STEELLLLAAAAAAAA!
*Is a
fish.*
Cora: I
LOATHE seafood.
Hook: So…fish
are…people too?
Hook: Hope
no one saw that…
Cora: You
just stay put and look pretty, okay? This is my episode!
Hook: Why
can’t we just use that invisible thing to walk around? Why couldn’t we have
just used it in the Enchanted forest to knock Emma down and take the compass?
Cora: Because
it…doesn’t work on people? I guess?
Hook: And
since we had Aurora, how come you couldn’t just shape shift into her and pick
Emma’s pocket and slaughter them? Why are you just so overly complicated?
Cora: Because
being overly complicated is the only way that you’ll talk to me!
Cora: Even
if it is a lot of yelling.
Swan: I heard
everything!
Snow: So…our
daughter used to lay here and comfort me while I cried because of all the
stupid things you did.
Charming:
You
know what? I don’t want to imagine our daughter while we’re doing this…hey, how
about that wavy arm thing we just did?
*Are
demonstrating*
*Giggles*
*Rubs
noses*
Henry:
Why
is my tie out on the doorknob?
Emma: They
must’ve washed it and the dryer broke…
Charming:
Hide
my chest!
Henry:
Hey
guys, so returning everyone’s marriage gifts back since my mom foolishly broke
up with Rumpelstiltskin took a lot of a shorter time than we thought.
Charming:
O-oh.
Snow: *Tries
not to imagine Emma and Rumpelstiltskin in this situation one day*
Henry:
Hey!
I used to find Regina and Graham like this all the time!
Emma: Go to
the kitchen Henry!
Henry:
But
it’s like…right in front of them still! How will they get dressed if we’re
still right here?
Emma: Don’t
ask questions that I don’t want to think about. Go to your room, Henry!
Henry:
I
don’t even know where I sleep!
Charming:
Childhood
rebellion has started already.
Snow: Not
sorry to have missed that step at all.
Henry:
This
wouldn’t have happened if you just married Mr. Gold, okay? We could’ve had
walls to keep from seeing these types of things!
Snow: He’s
still pouting over that?
Charming:
*Tries not to imagine having Rumpelstiltskin for a son in law* Bad
enough I had him for a romantic rival for Snow.
Emma: He
reminds me every chance he gets. He even stares solemnly at this globe in the
corner behind me and tells me how it reminds him of the pawn shop.
Emma: Also I
used to lay there and comfort Momgret when you did something stupid!
Charming:
Wow
young lady! Don’t take that tone of voice with me! I was a weak man back then!
Snow: Geez
Charming, this thing is rank….do you not know how to wash things?
Emma: Oh
good, the ‘Welcome Home; now please take me back’ bouquet that Archie sent does
look good on the table.
Snow: Archie
too?
Charming:
Go
Emma, our little heartbreaker.
Charming:
She
gets that from me!
Snow: *Giggles* I
know!
Charming:
So
are we gonna lay here until they go somewhere else? Good, make your own tacos.
Charming:
Kisses!
Snow: Nope!
Not when one of the hearts you broke was Mary Margaret’s! Over and over and
over and over….
Regina:
Where
the frig is George during all this?
Regina:
I
hate my armor designer. Isn’t the idea of armor to cover your vital organs?
Murphy:
Medusa! I mean you’re majesty! We’re getting our backsides kicked out
there…remind me why you can’t just use your magic to send fireballs down or
something?
Regina:
*Didn’t think of it* Because….because it’s not essential to
this plot!
Murphy:
Typical.
Regina:
Well…I
don’t care how many of you are slaughtered brutally! Got a vengeance date for
something someone did as a twelve year old to get to!
Claude
2:
You know…we could just probably walk away and she wouldn’t notice…
Murphy: You said it, Claude 2, I’m going to Charming’s side.
At least he’s giving away free puppies to everyone that joins.
Snow: Oh no!
I’m out here ALL ALONE! I certainly hope the…hope the…oh curses, *Reads writing on wrist* Spent four
hours learning this and I’ve messed it all up! *Ahem* I certainly hope the QUEEN doesn’t find me.
Snow: Oh no!
I have also happened to trip on the rock the size of a pebble and most likely
twisted my ankle while I’m out here ALL ALONE with the QUEEN nearby! *Quietly* Nailed it.
Regina:
Oh…is
that what you’re wearing? White in the woods…
Snow: Better
than the petrified dragon skin that you’re sporting on your head and neck there
Regina:
This
is a fashion statement!
Snow: Regina,
it’s not a fashion statement if you decided the fashion!
Regina:
I’ll
only surrender if you die!
Snow: That.
Is. Stupid. Why should I have to die when we’ve already gotten you beat? How
does that remotely make sense? No wonder you stupidly go along with other
people’s plans and make yourself a pawn all the time, you’re actual ideas are overly
complicated and can be destroyed in milliseconds.
Regina:
My
plans are like my fashion sense! Flawless!
Snow: Tacky
is what I was thinking…
Blue
Fairy: EAT NUCLEAR MISSLES!
Snow: You’re
still trying to go for my heart? Really? I can punch you from this distance.
Regina:
No!
The person who sold me this armor told me the dragon scales deflected magic!
Snow: Regina,
you bought it from Rumpelstiltskin. That tends to make you get what you
deserve.
Regina:
Stupid
Charming hanging out in the background! *Glares*
Charming:
You’re
powerless! You don’t scare us with those anymore!
Regina:
Maybe
the magic fireballs were a good idea…
*Um…thanks?*
Jiminy:
Everyone shhh! My new GIRLFRIEND who took me back is coming!
Snow: HI
EVERYBODY! I HAD CAFFEINE!
Red: And
I’m happily married!
Snow: New
status quo! *Caffeine crashes* *Starts
sobbing uncontrollably*
Snow: Oh
good, the only one I ever approved of dating Emma.
Jiminy:
Potential mother in law!
Charming:
So
guys…guess what? So I’ve been having those burning room dreams with that Aurora
chick…yeah, it’s totally traumatizing and brutal…
Granny: …so
what I’m aiming to say is that if you hurt Jiminy I will hunt you down. I’ve known
him since I was a kid!
Emma: It’s
disturbing to think of it all like that…and why are you even saying this for? I
just wanted meatloaf!
Charming:
Hey
everyone! Emma made pre-prepared tacos!
Emma: *Squees!*
Charming: Even though most people just like preparing them by
themselves. That’s our Emma!
Emma: *Is
Sad*
Red: She
gets it from her father, doesn’t she?
Snow: Every
single flaw.
Charming:
Also,
Snow and I won’t be separated for like…four episodes at least. So here’s to not
having to say that overused ‘found you’ diatribe that got old the fourth time I
used it in episode 3!
Snow: He’s
so dreamy!
Charming:
I
know I am…wait a minute, isn’t that Grumpy’s old name?
Grumpy: I
told you that in confidence!
Henry:
Looks
like I’m the designated driver tonight…
Regina:
Hi
everybody. I’m good at looking sad so worship at my feet.
*Record
scratch*
Emma: I
thought it was a good idea to invite her without telling any of you guys!
Surprise!
Snow: Emma,
you invited the woman that’s the very reason you grew up neglected and unloved
and separated from all of us? The woman who killed my father, tried to kill all
of us and nearly killed you when you were a baby if you hadn’t crossed over?
The one that nearly killed you a few weeks ago out of petty jealousy which
resulted in Henry now dreaming about being trapped in a burning room and the
only reason she feels bad about it is because the wrong person ate it?
Emma: *Actual
dialogue* She helped us get home. No
matter what she did in the past, we owe her our thanks now.
Charming: Emma, she didn’t help
you get home. I helped you get home. Regina and Rumpelstiltskin tried to STOP
you from getting home and had a change of heart when Henry begged Regina not
to. And with that logic, Rumpelstiltskin helped you get home too when he tried
to tell you about the squid ink and didn’t kill Regina for trying to close the
portal…why didn’t you invite him too?
Snow: I’m not sure multiple
rapes and murders can be just swept under the rug because she did one good
thing Emma…especially if she was guilted into doing it.
Emma: Oh crap, what else did
the writers try and use to justify this even though I was blaming her for
separating us last episode? Um….She’s trying to change for Henry. He believes
in her. And, right now, that’s enough for me.
Snow: Emma…claiming that
you’re trying to change and actually making the attempt to change are quite
different. The only times she’s done anything good is because she had to clean
up the life endangering messes that she started in the first place. Wouldn’t it
be easier to keep Henry away from her until she has changed? I mean it wasn’t
that long ago in our timeline that she set me up for murder and gloated to my
face, tried to kill your father and would’ve done so if Henry hadn’t
intervened. And she would’ve kept assaulting members of the town if she hadn’t
emotionally blackmailed him to come with her. He had to tell her why she
sucked! You can’t expect that kind of moral responsibility to fall to an eleven
year old over a fully grown woman!
Emma: I couldn’t have
changed if I wasn’t given a chance, so… She gets one, too.
Snow: Except stealing vs.
multiple murders from a remorseless psychopath who plans to get custody of your
son again are COMPLETELY DIFFERENT
Snow: You know what? Maybe
we should tell her that even when she had her father who she claimed to love,
she still stuck a dagger in my midsection…
Henry: I never did like your
lasagna and I wish Rumpelstiltskin was here!
Regina: Well, it’s better than
the non-poisoned stuff here!
Regina: Hey Grumpy, try the
lasagna.
Grumpy: I’d rather eat the
saran wrap on the other plates. And not because I think you’d try to poison us
but I never liked your lasagna either.
Regina: How DARE he not give
me my 99th chance!
Grumpy: Here Henry, you be
royal taste tester…
Snow: Look! It’s imagine!spaghetti!
Charming: *Is pretending to suck it up*
Jiminy: So….us dating is
pretty nice…I bring you flowers and you hold my hand…I just want to make sure
that things aren’t going to be awkward with Rumpelstiltskin and Belle come
bowling night…
Regina: How dare everyone not
welcome me with open arms!
*Seriously, what did she THINK was going to happen?*
Charming: *Giggles* That’s good
spaghetti!
Red: My other half
would’ve been here but he hates parties. He claims all the women would flock to
him and I’d get jealous…
Jiminy: And I’m not totally
the Betty to Rumpelstiltskin’s Veronica….I have girls that want to date me too!
Emma: *Is enamored* Really?
Jiminy: Rumpelstiltskin just
likes to steal them. He claims he’s doing so because he wants to test them and
see how much I mean to them but I think he’s just jealous.
Emma: Well he should be!
Jiminy: REALLY?! You’re the
first woman who ever said that! *Is in love*
Happy: She’s leaving!
*All sing ‘Hey hey hey, goodbye’*
Jiminy: Oh hey, Regina’s
going…did I tell you about the time that I pity dated her?
Emma: No….and you probably
shouldn’t…
Regina: Just because I tried
to have them killed and their lives ruined so that I could rule them and make
them miserable is NO REASON to exclude me!
Emma: Geez Regina, want some
cheese with that mental whining?
Regina: Hey so…attempted
murders aside…can Henry come hang out at my place?
Regina: His room’s still the
same even though I considered turning it into my personal spa…but no one would
volunteer to be my masseuse…it’s so hard being me…
Emma: Yeah…I’m going inside
now….You just sit there and cry since that seems to be what you’re good at this
year…
Emma: Also Henry’s still
dealing with the trauma of you mentally abusing him by making him think he was
insane. You know…what you were doing like a month ago? I’m not letting you near
him unsupervised….I’m not my dad!
*Mentally whines*
Regina: *Actual dialogue* Because you
know so much about parenting in the five minutes you’ve been with him. Talk to
David. At least he took care of him while you were away. Like I did, during the
ten years you were away the first time.
Emma: Wanna know why David
was watching Henry, Regina? Shall I remind you? Because I pushed you out of the
way of the wraith when Rumpelstiltskin sent it after you for capturing and
holding an innocent woman hostage. I didn’t have to. However since I’m a good
guy, I saved you from being reunited with your mother and I got separated from
my father and son as a result. You also want to know why I was on the streets
stealing possibly to survive? Because you separated me from my parents. And I
was pregnant and in jail and broke. Thanks for that. I still owe you a slug in
the face.
Regina: Wait! This could mean
that you keep me from seeing my pet…I mean, Henry! I’m sorry!
Regina: *Rolls eyes* Sorry, I
couldn’t say that with a straight face.
Emma: And this is exactly
why no one wants to hang around you.
Regina: But I’m trying to
channnngeee.
Emma: Yeah, we’ll see in
three episodes, now won’t we?
*Stomps off*
Emma: Psychopath. Boy, I
can’t believe I thought to invite her without consulting anyone.
*Seriously, what did she THINK was going to happen?*
Cora: Yep and it’s quite
obvious that I won't even need to break a sweat in manipulating her!
Hook: How did we get up
here?
Jiminy: I
can’t believe you wanted to go the long route on laundry day! What if someone
saw me in my purple pants! Emma would never let me live it down!
Regina:
Nice
purple pants there loser!
Jiminy: Aw,
I’m lucky! You’re in a good mood!
Regina:
You
told Emma secret things about our meetings!
Jiminy: You
mean…that you were holding off on magic, trying to change and getting
therapy…that’s not…private stuff…Henry could’ve told her exactly the same
thing.
Regina:
And
now she knows! Now she thinks I’m weak!
Jiminy: It
also would’ve resulted in you not being invited to the party and I was trying
to ease some of the tension between you and Emma…so why don’t you go pout and
hold your breath
somewhere else?
Regina:
How
am I supposed to change if you keep reminding them of my past?!
Jiminy:
Regina, you do that plenty well on your own.
Regina:
Well…*Pouts* you got your PhD from a curse!
Jiminy: And
yet you still came to me while being fully aware of that. Just saying.
Jiminy: And I
don’t really appreciate being yelled at! I’m not reminding them of anything! Do
you honestly think they’ll just forget all the atrocities you’ve committed?
Telling them you’re trying to change can only be beneficial to you. Now if
you’ll excuse me, I have a dog to walk.
Red:
Storybrooke…a town that never sleeps…these are the adventures of the superhero
known as Red Robyn…waitress, wife and stepmother by day…superhero also by…day
apparently…taking up the mantle for her predecessor simply known as Detective
Man, she patrols the docks looking for trouble…which means she just has to
follow Regina…
Regina:
Look,
just let me rip your soul out of your body for daring to piss me off, that’s
all I want.
Red
Robyn: Are you in danger, civilian?!
Jiminy: Red Robyn! You ARE real!
Jiminy: Red Robyn! You ARE real!
Regina:
Does
she think that hood is hiding her identity? That’s SO totally Belle.
Regina:
I
liked Detective Man better.
Red
Robyn: *Is ready to fight* Well Detective Man can’t come to the
phone right now. He’s too busy being trapped in an institution.
Jiminy: It’s
okay Red Robyn *Is a fanboy* I got
this.
Red
Robyn: Have no fear civilian…Red Robyn watches you from her
nest….
Jiminy: I got
saved by Red Robyn. *Squees*
Jiminy:
Sorry, what were we talking about?
Regina:
You’re
lucky I’ve changed!
Jiminy: Oh,
you mean standing around glaring and making threats? Because you certainly
didn’t do THAT all of season 1!
The unsuspecting fisherman, the swan, the armor, Snow White remembering her lines, Jiiminy and Snow, Granny and Emma and Red Robyn were hilarious ! Granny is so adorable when she feels like being overprotective and/or murderous ! Her secret affair must make her shine !
ReplyDeleteDo you wish Archie's Betty status to be removed from his character page on TV Trope ?
If so, I implore you, make him the Veronica or an Eldricht or a tree-person, or anything really, because there is no way I can fit his enormous page picture just in front of his tropes without one more pesky qualificative.
Oh, my!!! Brilliant beginning. Love the comments about the parasol and this had me rolling:
ReplyDeleteHook: Why can’t we just use that invisible thing to walk around? Why couldn’t we have just used it in the Enchanted forest to knock Emma down and take the compass?
Cora: Because it…doesn’t work on people? I guess?
Hook: And since we had Aurora, how come you couldn’t just shape shift into her and pick Emma’s pocket and slaughter them? Why are you just so overly complicated?
And I loved all the plot holes you pointed out. Ha!
*Seriously, what did she THINK was going to happen?*
Yay for Red Robyn!!! But, hey... I will miss detective man.
Red Robyn!
ReplyDelete"That's where our daughter would lay and comfort me after you did something stupid."