"Cricket Game" Part 1

*Is humming Pirates of the Caribbean*

 

Hook: Stupid blind Emma. I’ve been standing here all day and she hasn’t noticed me!

 

Hook: Well…guess I should integrate myself in the town I want to pillage….*Gives Tarzan yell*

 

*Splashes*

Hook: I’m okay!

 

Cora: Silly babboo, that leather is expensive! Next time you go for a swim, take everything off!

 

Hook: Hey Cora, can I drive a horseless buggy?

Cora: No.

Hook: Talk into one of those bricks and see if it talks back?

Cora: No.

Hook: Play…Frisbee with a lonely puppy?

Cora: No.

 

Hook: Screw this noise then, I’m going be ineffective ELSEWHERE!

 

Hook: Oh, there’s a pretty redhead over there. I think I’ll be effective at the only thing I’m good at and that’s getting pepper sprayed! See ya, Cora!

 

Hook: What, this again? MOVE WOMAN, I don’t know how many languages I NEED to use to tell you that you creep me out but when I have to resort to miming, I Have the feeling that it’s not me that has the problem.

 

Cora: Except I MAY have not known what I was saying when I told you that magic wasn’t here….whoopsies. Looks like we’re stuck hanging out.

 

Hook: Well maybe you should just do your own work!

 

Cora: I can’t. My hands are full with this parasol I have at night…for some reason.

 

Hook: Oh…well…parasols are a bother to have to hold when ruining lives…I guess I’m stuck…

 

Cora: Well…what are you gonna do?

 

Hook: You could just close it….

 

Cora: You know what natural light does to my complexion! I could burst into flames at any moment!

 

Hook: *Is plotting to poke some holes into that parasol*

 

Fish Nobody: Hey guys…I noticed you guys have been sort of docked there all day…which is ridiculous because you have to pay…and what was with that weird guy standing on the mast and glaring at everyone? Driving away business!

 

Hook: Gr…someone more appealing than me!

Cora: *Is trying the puppy eyes* He has…problems!

 

Fish Nobody: Nice stealth boat by the way. No one would think to look for that with all its bright colors.

 

*Is gone*

 

Fish Nobody: Hey, that’s a neat trick! And here I thought you two were just randomly roleplaying because no one dresses like you do and I’m not put out by it at all.

 

Cora: He knows our secret! He knows that we’re evil!

Hook: Stella! What? Where did you go? STEELLLLAAAAAAAA!

 

*Is a fish.*

 

Cora: I LOATHE seafood.

Hook: So…fish are…people too?

 

Hook: Hope no one saw that…

 

Cora: You just stay put and look pretty, okay? This is my episode!

 

Hook: Why can’t we just use that invisible thing to walk around? Why couldn’t we have just used it in the Enchanted forest to knock Emma down and take the compass?

 

Cora: Because it…doesn’t work on people? I guess?

 

Hook: And since we had Aurora, how come you couldn’t just shape shift into her and pick Emma’s pocket and slaughter them? Why are you just so overly complicated?

 

Cora: Because being overly complicated is the only way that you’ll talk to me!

 

Cora: Even if it is a lot of yelling.

 

Swan: I heard everything!

 

Snow: So…our daughter used to lay here and comfort me while I cried because of all the stupid things you did.

 

Charming: You know what? I don’t want to imagine our daughter while we’re doing this…hey, how about that wavy arm thing we just did?

 

*Are demonstrating*

 

*Giggles*

 

*Rubs noses*

 

Henry: Why is my tie out on the doorknob?

Emma: They must’ve washed it and the dryer broke…

 

Charming: Hide my chest!

 

Henry: Hey guys, so returning everyone’s marriage gifts back since my mom foolishly broke up with Rumpelstiltskin took a lot of a shorter time than we thought. 

 

Charming: O-oh.

Snow: *Tries not to imagine Emma and Rumpelstiltskin in this situation one day*

 

Henry: Hey! I used to find Regina and Graham like this all the time!

 

Emma: Go to the kitchen Henry!

Henry: But it’s like…right in front of them still! How will they get dressed if we’re still right here?

Emma: Don’t ask questions that I don’t want to think about. Go to your room, Henry!

Henry: I don’t even know where I sleep!

 

Charming: Childhood rebellion has started already.

Snow: Not sorry to have missed that step at all.

 

Henry: This wouldn’t have happened if you just married Mr. Gold, okay? We could’ve had walls to keep from seeing these types of things!

 

Snow: He’s still pouting over that?

Charming: *Tries not to imagine having Rumpelstiltskin for a son in law* Bad enough I had him for a romantic rival for Snow.

 

Emma: He reminds me every chance he gets. He even stares solemnly at this globe in the corner behind me and tells me how it reminds him of the pawn shop.

 

Emma: Also I used to lay there and comfort Momgret when you did something stupid!

 

Charming: Wow young lady! Don’t take that tone of voice with me! I was a weak man back then!

Snow: Geez Charming, this thing is rank….do you not know how to wash things?

 

Emma: Oh good, the ‘Welcome Home; now please take me back’ bouquet that Archie sent does look good on the table.

 

Snow: Archie too?

Charming: Go Emma, our little heartbreaker.

 

Charming: She gets that from me!

 

Snow: *Giggles* I know!

Charming: So are we gonna lay here until they go somewhere else? Good, make your own tacos.

 

Charming: Kisses!

Snow: Nope! Not when one of the hearts you broke was Mary Margaret’s! Over and over and over and over….

 

Regina: Where the frig is George during all this?

 

Regina: I hate my armor designer. Isn’t the idea of armor to cover your vital organs?

 

Murphy: Medusa! I mean you’re majesty! We’re getting our backsides kicked out there…remind me why you can’t just use your magic to send fireballs down or something?

 

Regina: *Didn’t think of it* Because….because it’s not essential to this plot!

 

Murphy: Typical.

 

Regina: Well…I don’t care how many of you are slaughtered brutally! Got a vengeance date for something someone did as a twelve year old to get to!

 

Claude 2: You know…we could just probably walk away and she wouldn’t notice…

Murphy: You said it, Claude 2, I’m going to Charming’s side. At least he’s giving away free puppies to everyone that joins.

 

Snow: Oh no! I’m out here ALL ALONE! I certainly hope the…hope the…oh curses, *Reads writing on wrist* Spent four hours learning this and I’ve messed it all up! *Ahem* I certainly hope the QUEEN doesn’t find me.

 

Snow: Oh no! I have also happened to trip on the rock the size of a pebble and most likely twisted my ankle while I’m out here ALL ALONE with the QUEEN nearby! *Quietly* Nailed it.

 

Regina: Oh…is that what you’re wearing? White in the woods…

 

Snow: Better than the petrified dragon skin that you’re sporting on your head and neck there

 

Regina: This is a fashion statement!

 

Snow: Regina, it’s not a fashion statement if you decided the fashion!

 

Regina: I’ll only surrender if you die!

 

Snow: That. Is. Stupid. Why should I have to die when we’ve already gotten you beat? How does that remotely make sense? No wonder you stupidly go along with other people’s plans and make yourself a pawn all the time, you’re actual ideas are overly complicated and can be destroyed in milliseconds.

 

Regina: My plans are like my fashion sense! Flawless!

 

Snow: Tacky is what I was thinking…

Blue Fairy: EAT NUCLEAR MISSLES!

Snow: You’re still trying to go for my heart? Really? I can punch you from this distance.

Regina: No! The person who sold me this armor told me the dragon scales deflected magic!

Snow: Regina, you bought it from Rumpelstiltskin. That tends to make you get what you deserve.

Regina: Stupid Charming hanging out in the background! *Glares*

 

Charming: You’re powerless! You don’t scare us with those anymore!

 

Regina: Maybe the magic fireballs were a good idea…

 

*Um…thanks?*

 

Jiminy: Everyone shhh! My new GIRLFRIEND who took me back is coming!

 

Snow: HI EVERYBODY! I HAD CAFFEINE!

 

Red: And I’m happily married!

 

Snow: New status quo! *Caffeine crashes* *Starts sobbing uncontrollably*

 

Snow: Oh good, the only one I ever approved of dating Emma.

Jiminy: Potential mother in law!

 

Charming: So guys…guess what? So I’ve been having those burning room dreams with that Aurora chick…yeah, it’s totally traumatizing and brutal…

 

Granny: …so what I’m aiming to say is that if you hurt Jiminy I will hunt you down. I’ve known him since I was a kid!

 

Emma: It’s disturbing to think of it all like that…and why are you even saying this for? I just wanted meatloaf!

 

Charming: Hey everyone! Emma made pre-prepared tacos!

Emma: *Squees!*

Charming: Even though most people just like preparing them by themselves. That’s our Emma!

Emma: *Is Sad*

 

Red: She gets it from her father, doesn’t she?

Snow: Every single flaw.

 

Charming: Also, Snow and I won’t be separated for like…four episodes at least. So here’s to not having to say that overused ‘found you’ diatribe that got old the fourth time I used it in episode 3!

 

Snow: He’s so dreamy!

 

Charming: I know I am…wait a minute, isn’t that Grumpy’s old name?

 

Grumpy: I told you that in confidence!

Henry: Looks like I’m the designated driver tonight…

 

Regina: Hi everybody. I’m good at looking sad so worship at my feet.

 

*Record scratch*

 

Emma: I thought it was a good idea to invite her without telling any of you guys! Surprise!

 

Snow: Emma, you invited the woman that’s the very reason you grew up neglected and unloved and separated from all of us? The woman who killed my father, tried to kill all of us and nearly killed you when you were a baby if you hadn’t crossed over? The one that nearly killed you a few weeks ago out of petty jealousy which resulted in Henry now dreaming about being trapped in a burning room and the only reason she feels bad about it is because the wrong person ate it?

 

Emma: *Actual dialogue* She helped us get home. No matter what she did in the past, we owe her our thanks now.

 

Charming: Emma, she didn’t help you get home. I helped you get home. Regina and Rumpelstiltskin tried to STOP you from getting home and had a change of heart when Henry begged Regina not to. And with that logic, Rumpelstiltskin helped you get home too when he tried to tell you about the squid ink and didn’t kill Regina for trying to close the portal…why didn’t you invite him too?

Snow: I’m not sure multiple rapes and murders can be just swept under the rug because she did one good thing Emma…especially if she was guilted into doing it.

 

Emma: Oh crap, what else did the writers try and use to justify this even though I was blaming her for separating us last episode? Um….She’s trying to change for Henry. He believes in her. And, right now, that’s enough for me.

 

Snow: Emma…claiming that you’re trying to change and actually making the attempt to change are quite different. The only times she’s done anything good is because she had to clean up the life endangering messes that she started in the first place. Wouldn’t it be easier to keep Henry away from her until she has changed? I mean it wasn’t that long ago in our timeline that she set me up for murder and gloated to my face, tried to kill your father and would’ve done so if Henry hadn’t intervened. And she would’ve kept assaulting members of the town if she hadn’t emotionally blackmailed him to come with her. He had to tell her why she sucked! You can’t expect that kind of moral responsibility to fall to an eleven year old over a fully grown woman!

 

Emma:  I couldn’t have changed if I wasn’t given a chance, so… She gets one, too.

 

Snow: Except stealing vs. multiple murders from a remorseless psychopath who plans to get custody of your son again are COMPLETELY DIFFERENT

 

Snow: You know what? Maybe we should tell her that even when she had her father who she claimed to love, she still stuck a dagger in my midsection…

 

Henry: I never did like your lasagna and I wish Rumpelstiltskin was here!

 

Regina: Well, it’s better than the non-poisoned stuff here!

 

Regina: Hey Grumpy, try the lasagna.

 

Grumpy: I’d rather eat the saran wrap on the other plates. And not because I think you’d try to poison us but I never liked your lasagna either.

 

Regina: How DARE he not give me my 99^th chance!

 

Grumpy: Here Henry, you be royal taste tester…

 

Snow: Look! It’s imagine!spaghetti!

Charming: *Is pretending to suck it up*

Jiminy: So….us dating is pretty nice…I bring you flowers and you hold my hand…I just want to make sure that things aren’t going to be awkward with Rumpelstiltskin and Belle come bowling night…

 

Regina: How dare everyone not welcome me with open arms!

*Seriously, what did she THINK was going to happen?*

 

Charming: *Giggles* That’s good spaghetti!

Red: My other half would’ve been here but he hates parties. He claims all the women would flock to him and I’d get jealous…

 

Jiminy: And I’m not totally the Betty to Rumpelstiltskin’s Veronica….I have girls that want to date me too!

Emma: *Is enamored* Really?

Jiminy: Rumpelstiltskin just likes to steal them. He claims he’s doing so because he wants to test them and see how much I mean to them but I think he’s just jealous.

Emma: Well he should be!

Jiminy: REALLY?! You’re the first woman who ever said that! *Is in love*

 

Happy: She’s leaving!

*All sing ‘Hey hey hey, goodbye’*

 

Jiminy: Oh hey, Regina’s going…did I tell you about the time that I pity dated her?

Emma: No….and you probably shouldn’t…

 

Regina: Just because I tried to have them killed and their lives ruined so that I could rule them and make them miserable is NO REASON to exclude me!

 

Emma: Geez Regina, want some cheese with that mental whining?

 

Regina: Hey so…attempted murders aside…can Henry come hang out at my place?

 

Regina: His room’s still the same even though I considered turning it into my personal spa…but no one would volunteer to be my masseuse…it’s so hard being me…

 

Emma: Yeah…I’m going inside now….You just sit there and cry since that seems to be what you’re good at this year…

 

Emma: Also Henry’s still dealing with the trauma of you mentally abusing him by making him think he was insane. You know…what you were doing like a month ago? I’m not letting you near him unsupervised….I’m not my dad!

 

*Mentally whines*

 

Regina: *Actual dialogue* Because you know so much about parenting in the five minutes you’ve been with him. Talk to David. At least he took care of him while you were away. Like I did, during the ten years you were away the first time.

 

Emma: Wanna know why David was watching Henry, Regina? Shall I remind you? Because I pushed you out of the way of the wraith when Rumpelstiltskin sent it after you for capturing and holding an innocent woman hostage. I didn’t have to. However since I’m a good guy, I saved you from being reunited with your mother and I got separated from my father and son as a result. You also want to know why I was on the streets stealing possibly to survive? Because you separated me from my parents. And I was pregnant and in jail and broke. Thanks for that. I still owe you a slug in the face.

 

Regina: Wait! This could mean that you keep me from seeing my pet…I mean, Henry! I’m sorry!

 

Regina: *Rolls eyes* Sorry, I couldn’t say that with a straight face.

 

Emma: And this is exactly why no one wants to hang around you.

 

Regina: But I’m trying to channnngeee.

 

Emma: Yeah, we’ll see in three episodes, now won’t we?

 

*Stomps off*

 

Emma: Psychopath. Boy, I can’t believe I thought to invite her without consulting anyone.

*Seriously, what did she THINK was going to happen?*

Hook: HOO! Your daughter is rocking those boots!

Cora: Yep and it’s quite obvious that I won't even need to break a sweat in manipulating her!  

 

Hook: How did we get up here?

 

Jiminy: I can’t believe you wanted to go the long route on laundry day! What if someone saw me in my purple pants! Emma would never let me live it down!

 

Regina: Nice purple pants there loser!

 

Jiminy: Aw, I’m lucky! You’re in a good mood!

 

Regina: You told Emma secret things about our meetings!

 

Jiminy: You mean…that you were holding off on magic, trying to change and getting therapy…that’s not…private stuff…Henry could’ve told her exactly the same thing.

 

Regina: And now she knows! Now she thinks I’m weak!

 

Jiminy: It also would’ve resulted in you not being invited to the party and I was trying to ease some of the tension between you and Emma…so why don’t you go pout and hold your breath

somewhere else?

 

Regina: How am I supposed to change if you keep reminding them of my past?!

 

Jiminy: Regina, you do that plenty well on your own.

 

Regina: Well…*Pouts* you got your PhD from a curse!

 

Jiminy: And yet you still came to me while being fully aware of that. Just saying.

 

Jiminy: And I don’t really appreciate being yelled at! I’m not reminding them of anything! Do you honestly think they’ll just forget all the atrocities you’ve committed? Telling them you’re trying to change can only be beneficial to you. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a dog to walk.

Red: Storybrooke…a town that never sleeps…these are the adventures of the superhero known as Red Robyn…waitress, wife and stepmother by day…superhero also by…day apparently…taking up the mantle for her predecessor simply known as Detective Man, she patrols the docks looking for trouble…which means she just has to follow Regina…

 

Regina: Look, just let me rip your soul out of your body for daring to piss me off, that’s all I want.

 

Red Robyn: Are you in danger, civilian?!
Jiminy: Red Robyn! You ARE real!

 Regina: Does she think that hood is hiding her identity? That’s SO totally Belle.

 

Regina: I liked Detective Man better.

 

Red Robyn: *Is ready to fight* Well Detective Man can’t come to the phone right now. He’s too busy being trapped in an institution.

Jiminy: It’s okay Red Robyn *Is a fanboy* I got this.

 

Red Robyn: Have no fear civilian…Red Robyn watches you from her nest….

 

Jiminy: I got saved by Red Robyn. *Squees*

 

Jiminy: Sorry, what were we talking about?

 

Regina: You’re lucky I’ve changed!

 

Jiminy: Oh, you mean standing around glaring and making threats? Because you certainly didn’t do THAT all of season 1!