Once Upon A Time: Abridged: 112

*Most boring Risk game ever*

Maurice: George and Leopold are late for the tournament….again.

Guard: Sir, that may be on account of that whole Ogre war thing that we’re losing.

Gaston: Wait a minute….I think I took the wrong turn somewhere. Where is the Psych studio again? I think you guys had me mistaken for someone else. All I did was come in the side door and you all dressed me up and stuck me here.

Belle: It’s okay Belle. They’ve been advertising your appearance since before episode 5. Everyone expects you to fail but you can do this. You can do this.

Maurice: Ugh, dealing with both of you has aged me far beyond my time.

Belle: Dad, I think it’s about time we reconsider who my fiancé is. Gaston just really isn’t getting the job done as future king of the realm.

Maurice: Yeah, but he’s so darned adorable! At least your kids will be cute!

Belle:…..

Maurice: If you two have any…

*Knocks*

Rumpelstiltskin: *Girly voice* Girl Scout cookies!

Maurice: Oh good. Finally. I was hoping the delivery service wouldn’t be held up by the Ogres. Good to know they’re not complete and utter monsters.

Gaston: *Grabs Sword* I HATE girl scouts!

*….*

Maurice:….DANGIT!

Rumpelstiltskin: All that just to sit in your chair. I am quite the dramatic one. I would’ve even worn a Girl Scout uniform but unfortunately it was in the wash.

Gaston: Just because you can teleport doesn’t mean I can’t stab you! Is it really a good idea to point a sword at the guy we’re asking to help us?

Rumpelstiltskin: Hey look, I’m King Rumpie! ‘Bring me his head!’

Belle: I mustn’t let daddy know that I’m in love.

Rumpelstiltskin: *Beams*

Rumpelstiltskin: I LOVE your dress.

Rumpelstiltskin: Luckily she picked the best outfit to wear because of my infatuation with gold makes me want to try it on.

Maurice: I…don’t think it would look at good on you.

Rumpelstiltskin: Oh well…I guess I’ll just have to admire it on her when I take her to my castle to be with me forever!

Gaston: WHAT?!

Belle: Ooooooo!

Gaston: We’re to be married!

Rumpelstiltskin: Easy there girly boy. I’m not looking for love.

Rumpelstiltskin: You don’t need love for marriage.

*Waits for reaction*

Maurice: WHAT?!

Belle: Ooooooo!

Maurice: That’s right baby! She’s got the right idea!

Rumpelstiltskin: But I’m just messing with you all. I don’t need a wife. I just need a caretaker for my rather…large estate.

Maurice: EWWWWWWWW!

Gaston: EWWWWWW!

Belle: Wait! I don’t get it.

Maurice: Okay, get out!

Belle: Gaston, how DARE you pull me away from the man that’s leering at me!

Belle: Hey, do you look good in leather pants?

Rumpelstiltskin: Better than anyone here I imagine.

Belle: *Is won over*

Belle: I don’t care if you’re a creepy little man who steals babies and is taking me away to do God knows what to me. Anything’s better than having a loving father and a fiancé who scales mountains for me.

Belle: *Glares*

Belle: Also I think you have a rocking hair crimper and I want to know your secret beauty tips.

Rumpelstiltskin: You can have all that and more!

Belle: Yes!

Rumpelstiltskin: I think I’m going to like you! Anything’s better than Rapunzel. She threw herself out the tower when I got her home.

Belle: Wait…I’m not your first?

Rumpelstiltskin: And then there was Sleeping Beauty but she never said much!

Maurice: Belle! You can’t go with this guy! Think of what would happen if one thing led to another!

Belle: Oh daddy, stop caring.

Maurice: I’m trying not to! But then I think of what the children would look like!

Belle: They would look awesome.

Belle: Well at least I’m not marrying YOU anymore!

Rumpelstiltskin: Belle! I already lost your mother and 14 brothers to this war! I can’t lose you too!

Rumpelstiltskin: So…would this or would this not be a good time to say…

Rumpelstiltskin: *Sing song teasing voice* I got your daughter!

Rumpelstiltskin: I can’t wait for the Christmas cards! We’re sending you a photo of us looking so happy! Like this!

Rumpelstiltskin: And then a goofy one! Like this!

Rumpelstiltskin: Alright time to go.

Belle: Can I pack?

Rumpelstiltskin: Nope!

Rumpelstiltskin: *Hums wedding march*

*Nice try show*

Moe: I wonder why the deal I made with Mr. Gold required me to pay back the loan RIGHT BEFORE VALENTINE’S DAY!

Gold: Hiiiii Mr…okay, it doesn’t work unless it’s Emma.

Moe: Hey, who’s that really tall guy standing behind you? What’s his story? Why couldn’t last episode been about him?

Gold: Oh for heaven’s sake. I don’t know. I just pay him to follow me everywhere and whenever I get bored enough we dance around Regina’s yard and toilet paper it.

Moe:…..

Gold: Yeah…I probably just said more than I’ll probably ever live down. Take his van to keep him silent.

Ensemble Darkhorse: Okay, but the next time we’re in a large crowd, you can NOT sit on my shoulders.

Moe: Wait! You can’t take it! What exactly are you going to do with a flower van?!

Gold: I have tons of women I have to keep at bay. It’s horrible being me on days like this. Why can’t I just mourn for the love of my life I kept captive for months in peace?

Ensemble Darkhorse: DO YOU WANT TO BE A SPEEDBUMP?! CAUSE I’LL DO IT!

Moe: Geez! Give me a minute!

Moe: You just want to get free flowers and impress Emma by decorating her whole apartment, don’t you ?!

Gold: I’m not even going to dignify that with a response…

Gold: The answer is yes by the way. If I can keep Mary Margaret around from the loft so she doesn't think it's for her...

Gold: *Emma winning smirk practice* She’s not going to know what hit her…hopefully when she goes to smell them, she won’t inhale a bee….

Moe: You’re just going to walk off?! Hey am I still standing in front of the van?

*Squealing tires*

*Got run over*

Regina: WOW! And I thought I was twisted inside. Now Moe is …okay I can’t say it.

Gold: Hey Regina…I thought you could only come out at night!

Regina: Oh you’re in that mood are you?

Gold: *Points* My mood tie is purple.

Gold: You should know by now that means I’m in the mood to humiliate anyone in everyone in public and by everyone I mean you.

Regina: I just wanted to know if you’d be my valentine! Oh wait, that wasn't what I was going to ask...

Gold: *Looks around to make sure no one heard her.*

Gold: I’m sure if I tell Emma that you just asked me that horrible ‘eye gouging if I imagine it’ question then she’ll agree to be with me just to spite you.

Gold: I’m not even in the MOOD to be with a willing Emma tomorrow, so thank you VERY much Regina. You just made my Valentine’s Day!

Gold: *Storms off*

Regina: Wait…he would never turn Emma down on the most loving day of the year…*GASP!* HE MUST KNOW WHO HE IS

Granny: The best thing about Valentine’s Day is that Mr. Gold DOESN”T send me flowers upon flowers. That man is odd.

David: Hey! I got a fictional book that’s all about adultery! I can’t understand much of what is going on but I have this strange feeling that we can relate!

Emma: I’m barely in this episode!

David: At least you don’t look like a complete jackass by the end of it like some of us.

David: Namely me.

Emma: How’s Henry?

Mary: Well he’s ran away to find his father three times now. I think the newness of having you wore off on him.

Emma: Say what?

Mary: Is it humiliating to know that Regina grounded you? I mean after you fell for that silly dupe?

Mary: But that’s okay, we’re still besties.

Ashley: Did someone say besties? Because I have a baby that I’d like to let you guys have for a weekend.

Granny: I don’t even know you! Why are you shoving this random baby in my arms!

Mary: I hardly recognized you!

Ashley: With the baby on the outside?

Mary: No, because I want to forget the Cinderella part of the Cinderella episode every happened!

Ashley: Don’t mind if I sit in front of you?

David: But-

Ashley: Thank you!

Ashley: My life sucks! I got the baby Emma sold herself out for and I’m stuck all day with it just like a real mother! And my baby daddy has to work to keep us afloat! Even on….*Dun dun DUN!*

Ashley: Valentine’s Day!

Emma: Wow, it must suck to have a family and be an adult and have responsibilities!

Ruby: Hey, let’s make a plot that no one cares about and have a girl’s night!

Emma: I think I’d rather stick to the relevant plot, thanks!

Mary: I have more friends without having to resort to riding my bestie’s coattails? I AM getting popular!

Emma: Go you!

David: I wonder if I qualify enough for that ‘girl’s night’.

Emma: Ugh, Mr. Gold’s house has its door open. If I go in there to find rose petals everywhere like the last eight times he’s tried this then I’m going to make everyone’s Valentine’s Day a little bit easier by offing him where he stands.

*BAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Mr. Gold lives in a pink house! You can justify it by calling it ‘salmon’ but it’s still pink to me! HAHAHAHAHA! With green trim! HAHAHAHAHAHA. *Breathes.* It never stops being funny*

*Hums wedding theme*

Mr. Gold: Uh…crap. It’s that awkward moment where I can’t remember if I locked the door or not.

Mr. Gold: Emma! You didn’t get that call early and beat me here, did you?

Mr. Gold: Cause that wasn’t supposed to happen till after Valentine’s day!

Mr. Gold: I certainly hope the fan girls didn’t find out where I lived. Better take this gun just in case. Maybe that’s why I keep a hideously painted house…

Mr. Gold: And what on earth do I do with that little horse against the wall?

Mr. Gold: Ugh, the last time this happened…it was Ruby! Why does she keep insisting on coming after me when I’m not interested?

Emma: Hey! Are you licensed for that?

Mr. Gold: I’m licensed for a lot of things….if you know what I mean.

Emma: Uh…no?

Mr. Gold: Oh…well…neither do I.

Mr. Gold: It’s been a bit of an off day. *Is not enthused* Hiiii Emma.

Rumpelstiltskin: Wipe your feet!

Belle: I dig the digs.

Belle: I can’t believe you made me carry you up the entire mountain!
Rumpelstiltskin: I didn’t wear the proper boots for hiking.

Rumpelstiltskin: Well, this is your room! The phone for room service is broken so…try not to call it.

Belle: You have got to be kidding me; the interior design is so tacky! I’m not going in there!

Rumpelstiltskin: Well since you could probably overpower me physically…Look! Early tickets to the Hobbit inside that room.

Belle: *Runs in* Early tickets to the Hobbit!

Rumpelstiltskin: *Slams and locks*

Rumpelstiltskin: Some days I think I’m just too clever for my own good!

*Nice to know that Rumpelstiltskin does take the time to shovel the walkway.*

*GAH! How he can he eat with those things staring at him?!*

Rumpelstiltskin: You will do all my laundry, and you will serve me my meals…do I even need to eat? Oh and you will clean the entire castle top to bottom daily and you will read me bedtime stories and tuck me in

Belle: Uh-huh.

Rumpelstiltskin: Uh….oh! And ask if I said my prayers and brushed my teeth because sometimes I forget.

Belle: Mmhmm

Rumpelstiltskin: Uh….Oh! And you will….play in an American TV show that involves islands and crashed planes that no one still understands.

Rumpelstiltskin: And you will do it while acting next to a hobbit that is neither Martin Freeman nor Elijah Wood!

Belle: Anything but that!

Rumpelstiltskin: I was just kidding on that last part. What are the odds that would ever happen?

Belle: Do you MIND?! I’m trying not to have a nervous breakdown and you as my captor is taunting me!

Belle: I’m going to squat down here and hold my breath until you apologize!

Rumpelstiltskin: Oh for heaven’s sake…get up!

Belle: Oh…I also chipped your cup.

Rumpelstiltskin: THAT WAS A PRICELESS HEIRLOOM, YOU BUTTERFINGERS!

Belle: Well you can…you can hardly see it…

Rumpelstiltskin:…..

Rumpelstiltskin: Helen Keller could see that!

Belle: *Cries*

Rumpelstiltskin: I’m regretting this already.

Mr. Gold: For the last time, I know exactly what was taken and who was responsible. I guess he just….came in the living room and lifted whatever was in here because it doesn’t seem like I searched the rest of the house.

Emma: You’re really playing it up this time aren’t you? Usually you’re like…*Imitates* ’Oh ….I’m scared someone might be in my bedroom. Wanna come with me and see?’

Mr. Gold: No thanks honey, I’m not in the mood.

Emma: *Is enjoying this* Are you sure you’re feeling alright? Should I call an ambulance? I think you might be sick or something.

Mr. Gold: Oh trust me; I haven’t given up on you yet, pudding.

Emma: Dangit!

Mr. Gold: I’m just not up for hitting on you after getting robbed.

Emma: Certainly didn’t stop you the last time.

Mr. Gold: Yes but this is worse! I wasn’t worried about a pregnant woman but I am worried about Moe French. Have you met Moe?

Emma: I try not to associate with anyone in this town.

Mr. Gold: Good. Then I can tell you anything I want. Moe French isn’t even French but that doesn’t seem to matter in this rendition! But he’s….SO horrible…um…I feel violated now that my home has been breached. You must find him and gather my things that he’s stolen…tally-ho and all that.

Emma: Uh-huh.

Emma: You seem in a hurry to get me out of your house. Are you sure you’re not dying?

Mr. Gold: Oh trust me pudding, I’ll be back in full force once this tacky holiday is over with.

Emma: * Is worried*

Mr. Gold: Oh hey, can you wear that sexy red turtleneck tomorrow? It might make me feel better about my trauma!

Emma: I’m leaving.

Mr. Gold: What? Just because I don’t want to hit on you doesn’t mean I can’t look!

Rumpelstiltskin: You spin me right round baby right round….

Belle: I don’t think that counts as a bicycle unless you have another wheel to go with it.

Rumpelstiltskin: It’s a spinning wheel you ditz! I have to make us a living somehow! Most of my income is already spent because of how much you eat per month.

Belle: Well that’s what happens when you hold me captive and I get depressed.

Rumpelstiltskin: You should be thrilled! No one’s seen me try out these leather pants yet and you get to be the first!

Rumpelstiltskin: Amiright?

Belle: *Giggles* Yeah!

Rumpelstiltskin: She laughed at one of my jokes! *Belongs to her forever*

Rumpelstiltskin: What are you doing anyway? And where did you get that dress? I didn’t give you time to pack. I was too busy dragging you away from your crying family! Did I make it for you? Buy it for you? Wave my hand and there it was…oh that was creepier out loud than it was in my head….

Belle: I’m surprised you didn’t ask me what I was doing when I lugged this huge ladder in half an hour ago! I’m looking for the rope that opens these things!

Belle: You didn’t use duct tape did you? You used nails!

Rumpelstiltskin: Belle! Get down from there! Why are you on a ladder in heels!?

Belle: Eek!
Rumpelstiltskin: My foresight allowed me to see this coming.

*SUBTLETY!*
Belle: Um…Hi…..

Rumpelstiltskin: Hey, if I have some kind of foresight then how come I don’t know I’ll fall in love with you after this?

Belle: So….this is nice….

Rumpelstiltskin: COOTIES!

Rumpelstiltskin: *Swings arms awkwardly while trying to look casual* Phew, for a second there I thought you were good enough for me.

Rumpelstiltskin: I’m going to go…make an omelet.

Belle: Is that what they’re calling it now?

Rumpelstiltskin: No! Really! I’m starving.

Rumpelstiltskin: Oh and please don’t hang the curtains up. I don’t want to be out of the room when you do it because you’ll probably fall again and break your neck.

Rumpelstiltskin: Go make a…dress out of them or something isn’t that what you princesses like to do?

Rumpelstiltskin: What a horrible time to have worn these pants!

*Wow, that’s a lot of stuff. Where was he going to sell it?*

Gold: I was kind of hoping that dinner would be under this blanket. Not things that have no sentimental value!

Gold: Not only are six of my Disneyland crazy straws are missing but there’s also something that I don’t want to tell you about in fear that it’ll ruin the love we share on all days but this day!

Gold: So, job well ‘half done’ then.

Emma: Is that what all the girls tell you?

Emma: I even wore this sweater to make you feel better and this is how you treat me?

Gold: It makes you look fat!

Emma: Well that hairdo makes you look… ‘80’s!

Gold: Oh so you have been noticing me!

Emma…………………………..No I haven’t.

*Is using his mental powers to get the Wrestlemania for free in his head*

Belle: Hiiiii Rumpels.
Rumpelstiltskin: Stop following me!

*Isn’t listening*

Rumpelstiltskin: Get off that table! I just had it waxed!

Belle: So…while I was doing my housework…I may have sort of taken your keys while you were sleeping and gone to explore rooms that I shouldn’t have…found a room full of clothes…also I moved things around in your room to mess with you.

Rumpelstiltskin: That’s okay I changed the size of your dress so you’d think you were gaining weight just so I could watch you jog around the garden.

Belle: Was that nice?

Rumpelstiltskin:…..no.

Rumpelstiltskin: It was funny though.

Belle: Haven’t you cut yourself drinking form that cup?
Rumpelstiltskin: Four Times. The other one is yours and I just don’t’ want to get my germs on it.

Belle: Wait, you never told me that the other one was mine!

Rumpelstiltskin: *Is sarcastic* Whoops

Belle: Hey, I was thinking…this whole pranking thing that you and I are doing…it’s getting a bit old. I mean I’ve been here for a couple of months and I get anything done if I have to check for explosive devices.

Rumpelstiltskin: Yes well it’s hard to wear leather pants when you have to check it for sulfuric acid.

*Broods*

Belle: I think we should be friends.

Belle: Of the…girl and boy kind.

*Checks out*

*Is enjoying her enjoying the view*

Rumpelstiltskin: Hey, I can play a pretty rocking game of Battleship. What say you and I make some popcorn and I grab a couple of beanbags for us to sit in?

Rumpelstiltskin: I call the polka dot one!

Belle: *Is in love*

Belle: Or we could just go to the movies.

Rumpelstiltskin:….

Belle: Hm?

Rumpelstiltskin: I’m not paying for 3D.

Gaston: H-h-h-hello teleporting kidnapping beastie! I don’t care if can control the forces of evil, I’m here to challenge you to a duel.

Rumpelstiltskin: Get off my lawn.

Gaston: And so…if uh *Gulps* IF you do this then….then I have no choice but to…*Runs*

Rumpelstiltskin: Too easy.

Rumpelstiltskin: Guess what I have behind my back…
Belle: It’s not my father’s head again, is it?

Rumpelstiltskin: Oh nothing quite so distasteful this time around.

Rumpelstiltskin: TADA!

Belle: Oh good…something that’ll…probably die in two days.

Belle: *Giggles*

Rumpelstiltskin: I think this calls for a hug-
Belle: Nope.
*Is left hanging*

Rumpelstiltskin: She loves me!

Belle: Hey, why did you pick me to be your slave anyway?

Rumpelstiltskin: Uh….

Rumpelstiltskin: You suck Jiminy. Bowling Night with a cricket isn’t that great.

Jiminy: It’s not my fault I don’t have fingers!

Rumpelstiltskin: Yes it is! And to show you how pissed I am…the next girl I see on the TV is going to be my new servant.

Rumpelstiltskin: She’s perfect!

Jiminy:….Seek therapy.

Belle: That’s the weirdest story I’ve ever heard in my life.

Belle: I only came with you because I wanted to be heroic. Also because the Lost writers can only write romances that aren’t shoved down someone’s throat every episode.
Gaston!Rose: Help me! Help me!
Belle: Ack! This thing is talking! I better get the scissors!

Rumpelstiltskin: Hey…what would you do if…maybe your boyfriend happened to…scale mountains in order to save you from the man that took you captive and…something kind of happened to him and you might be cutting things off that used to belong to him.

Belle: I don’t care about him!

Belle: He’s Buzz McNab! He could never be a good convincing Gaston! He’s too adorable! Should anything happen to him and his 3 seconds of being shown on camera? Meh. Screw him.

Rumpelstiltskin: Winning.

Belle: And besides, I have more of a thing for creepy guys with a love for leather.

Belle: I think I might start taking up that leather trend as well!

Rumpelstiltskin: And how does that make you feel?

Belle: A bit weird actually. It’s not exactly the going in politically correct going green thing that I’ve heard so much about.

Belle: What do you think?

Rumpelstiltskin: I think a leather wedding is in our future….

*Is in love*

*Is…getting there.*

Belle: Oh so tell me about this kid you supposedly had and let me make sure that his mother isn’t a thread to our leather clad happiness!

Rumpelstiltskin: Oh trust me, she didn’t exactly warm up to the new sexy me.

Rumpelstiltskin: So I may have killed her.

Rumpelstiltskin: Brutally.

Belle: Oh…

Rumpelstiltskin: Well, storytime’s over. Why don’t you go get me some straw while I set up our game night!

*Meanwhile, at the plot absolutely no one cares about*

Ashley: I’m supposed to be 19 years old guys! Hope no one asks me for an ID!

Mary: You know your friendship pool sucks when one of the girls you’re hanging out with is a little over half your age. I wish I was at home with bestie playing Twister.

Ashley: Here’s to me breastfeeding!

Ruby: I can’t wait till I’m relevant to the show.

Ruby: Hey, don’t look over there but there are some guys checking us out!

Mary: Where? Where?

Ruby: I’m getting out of here before everyone gets fed up with this plotline that takes away from the eighteen minutes they had to cut. Also you two suck.

Ruby: Guys, come sail away.

Ashley: I hate the fact that my boyfriend’s working constantly so that he can support us while I’m at home taking care of the baby all day!

Mary: Really? You’re still whining about this?

Mary: *Irritated sigh*

Mary: I have a feeling the only way I’m getting through this plotline is with lots of alcohol.

David: Nothing is more romantic than getting the valentine’s cards for your wife and mistress at the last minute and Mr. Clark’s Generic General Store.

David: Hey, what are you doing with those?
Mr. Gold: I have a date.

David: I didn’t think Emma was like that.
Mr. Gold: It’s not for Emma it’s for…I mean…you’d be surprised what Emma is like.

Mr. Gold: I’ve made cards with notebook paper and stick figures that had more sentimental value than that!

Mr. Gold: You are SO not worth for Mary Margaret!

Mr. Gold: And you’re not worth being a dad to Emma either! When she and I get married, how will it feel to have a son in law older than you are?

David: I don’t get it.

Mr. Gold: Moron.

David: Thank you!

Mr. Gold: If I had time, I would put this bag over your head.

David: Is that a new trend?
Mr. Gold: Sure. Why not?

Mr. Gold: The man doesn’t even have any decent tunes!

*Is NOT Emma*

*The cabin of forbidden loves and near death experiences*

Mr. Gold: No I am NOT listening to the fangirls as they giggle about me taking a man bound to the middle of the woods on Valentine’s Day!

Mr. Gold: Don’t’ ask why you couldn’t just kick my cane out from under me and run for it.

Moe: Hm…wish I thought of that.

Mr. Gold: Yeah also here’s the thing…I don’t normally let people get away.

Moe: EWWWWWWW!

Mr. Gold: Not like that! Okay well…sometimes like that but CERTAINLY not with you!

Belle: How long did it take for me to get off the mountain?

*Hears honking*

Belle: Hm. The first people I’ve seen since I’ve been traveling for two days…

Regina: What’s up?!

Belle: Uh….hi.

*Walks off*

Regina: Let’s hang out! *Trots over*

Regina: Usually these woods are too poor for me to hang out in but luckily you caught me just in time of me hunting children to send to their deaths!
Belle: Leave me alone! Leave me alone!

Regina: Sooooo, who’s the guy?

Regina: It’s okay to tell me! Who couldn’t trust this face?

Belle: I’m in love with the only person who lives on this mountain.

Regina: Yeah, loving Rumpelstiltskin usually sends the women he enslaves running from mountains.

Belle: Look, you’re freaking me out. And that’s saying a lot considering I’ve just spent a few months living with a high pitched giggling, leather pants wearing, temperamental flirt.

Regina:….

Regina: Buddies!
Belle: *Groans*

Belle: You know, even all that I listed wouldn’t be so bad if he wasn’t evil somewhere inside.

Belle: But as attractive as that still is…if we get married I’m afraid he’ll one day hit me in the face when he’s doing all those weird overexxagerated gestures.

Regina: Well the best solution to all of this is to make out with him.

Belle: Uh….that’s a new one.

Regina: Yep that sounds like a curse and if you want to break a curse the best thing to do is to just pucker up and give him a smacker!

Belle: I don’t even KNOW you! Why should I trust you! ?

Regina: Because I have a cool parasol!

Regina: And would you really give up the opportunity to make out with the sex symbol of this show?

Belle: *Is inspired*

Rumpelstiltskin: Is she here yet? Is she here yet? Is she here yet?

Rumpelstiltskin: Oh! I think I see her trying to crawl out of the 20 foot ditch I dug to trap trespassers! She came back!

*Trips*
*Tumbles all the way down the stairs*
* Those pants were NOT made for walking*

Belle: Was that snake pit really necessary?!

Rumpelstiltskin: Was you poking along really necessary?

Belle: Well, it was my first time being out of any castle ever, so I thought I might have a quick look around.

Belle: Oh! I had candy!

Rumpelstiltskin: Oh no….

Rumpelstiltskin: Can you go find some walls to bounce off of outside? Daddy’s got a long night of not being seduced ahead of him.

Belle: Sit down? Okay
Rumpelstiltskin: NO! I said….*Sigh* what’s the use?

Belle: So…a cricket stopped me and asked me if I wanted to go to a movie with him and…

Belle: *Babbles incoherently*
Rumpelstiltskin: Go Jiminy. IT’s about time.

Rumpelstiltskin: Wait, he’s going after my woman! But still….

Rumpelstiltskin: Go Jiminy, it’s about time.

Belle: And then I saw Jennifer Lopez kiss whatever guy she was starring with and I realized that hey! That could totally be us!

Rumpelstiltskin: Wait…you want to be Jennifer Lopez?

Rumpelstiltskin: OF all people I could turn you into, why on Earth would you want to be-

*Kisses*

*Waits for reaction*

Rumpelstiltskin: I mean Chuck Norris makes sense but….

*Kisses*

Rumpelstiltskin: Even Mr. T, but…

Rumpelstiltskin: Why do I feel all funny inside?

Belle: Oh darling!
Rumpelstiltskin: I don’t feel sexy anymore!

Belle: Now our children won’t be so weird looking!

Rumpelstiltskin: AH!

Rumpelstiltskin: I can’t go back to what I used to be! I was a wimp!

Rumpelstiltskin: Am I still pretty?

Rumpelstiltskin: We’re gonna solve this right now!

Rumpelstiltskin: This was your fault, wasn’t it? You’re the only one besides me that ever tries to do anything! You know the difference between you and me is though?

Rumpelstiltskin: I can get things done without messing up!

Rumpelstiltskin: Just get over it already! I won those leather pants in the bargain bin fair and square!

Belle: Rumpel, that’s a mirror.

Rumpelstiltskin: *Is imitating Belle* Rumple, that’s a mirror.
*I hope he realizes the queen is getting a nice full view of his backside.*

Rumpelstiltskin: Wait a minute! This was you, wasn’t it? You wanted to magically castrate me!

Belle: Dude, get therapy.

Rumpelstiltskin: NO! YOU get therapy!

Belle: Get ahold of yourself man, that was a horrible comeback!

Rumpelstiltskin: MY COMEBACKS ARE ALWAYS EPIC!

Belle: Whoa breath! Look out.

Belle: Hey, that window looks kind of open…did I sleep with snow drifting in all winter?

Rumpelstiltskin: And you can just stay in here and think about what you did!

Belle: Wow, I date some real winners.

Moe: Was it really necessary to ask if I was comfortable and if I needed anything before you beat me senseless.

Mr. Gold: Of course. I’m a gentleman.

Mr. Gold: Hold on, I gotta straddle this chair all sexy like and give the fans something to squee about.

Moe: I’m not a fan girl.

Mr. Gold: You just keep on don’t you? *Chokes*

*Is choking on a phallic symbol*
*Oh, like you all didn’t think it*

Mr. Gold: This is the only way that I can get anyone to sit down and hear my life story…It all began when I was born a sheep farmer in the hills of…um…Fairytalelandia.

*3 hours Later*
Mr. Gold: And that’s how I became me, and now just to make sure you listened there’s going to be a test. The first is going to be me asking where you hid my crazy straws. The second is going to be where the object of my affection is. I would ask you who took it but if none of the audience has figured it out yet then SHAME on you!

*Is still choking*

Mr. Gold: What’s that Moe? You want to say something?

*”Time to move away from that guy on the bus” face*

Moe: You’re a big meanie!

Mr. Gold: You see, THAT is not a good first sentence!

*Smacks*
*Geez, don’t fail him on a grammar quiz.*

Moe: Knocking my teeth out isn’t really going to do much in getting me to talk you know!

Mr. Gold: You know what I was doing out there? Putting my hair to look all crazy! That way you knew I meant business!

Mr. Gold: Now…shall we play golfing for Moe’s Head? Or are you going to tell me what I want? Why didn’t you just do that in the first place and you could’ve avoided all these broken bones?! Oh well! Like it would stop me!

Mr. Gold: And I’ll have you know that those crazy straws were quite sentimental to me! I wish I’d never let them go so that horrible people could come along and steal and ruin them so that they never come back to me where they belonged in the first place!

Moe: Uh….

Mr. Gold: CRAZY STRAWS!

Mr. Gold: They’re gone forever! And it’s your fault

Mr. Gold: You were their father…thief! Thief! You were their thief!

Moe: I think you’ve gone and lost it mate.

Mr. Gold: I’m perfectly sane!

Rumpelstiltskin: I never did like this cabinet!

Rose!Gaston: No! Stop hitting me! Ouch! I take back what I said about those puppets!

Rumpelstiltskin: DEEESSSPPPPAAAAIIIIIR!

Mr. Gold: Long story short and incomplete, I blame you!

Emma: DUDE! Chill!....How did I know where to find you?

Rumpelstiltskin: Well…I really did like this tea set…*Sigh* But if it’s more for her to clean up tomorrow then I’m there.

*So, is Regina watching this from her mirror or did he cover it up again and she can only listen to his wails of despair? Why does he even HAVE mirrors in the house?*

Rumpelstiltskin: Wait, I can’t throw this away! She broke it! I have to hold her liable!

*I’m happier to know that Rumpelstiltskin didn’t break that other kettle to the left. Ruining that sugar would’ve just been such a waste.*

*Meanwhile, at the plot no one STILL cares about*

Mary: Ashley! Come on! Jimmy came over to hang with us and we have a conga line going!

Ashley: That sounds far too fun. I’d rather bring everyone down by being mopey!

Mary: Oh jeepers…here you go for the 35^th time tonight!

Ashley: I would just rather be with my guy.

Mary: Well no one would want you to go hang out with your guy more than I would right now.

Ashley: You mean it?

Mary: Just like I would rather be playing Parcheesi with my own bestie right now and I thought tonight would be fun but since you insist on ruining it for everyone.

*Broods*

Sean: Hi Ashley!

Mary: Thank GOD. TAKE HER! TAKE HER!

Ruby: What on Earth is going on? Archie and I were getting handsy with each other in the conga line.

Ashley: Aw! You do think of me!

Sean: Yeah, I only have 20 minutes of my double shift break. I’m not even eating but I ran over here because I didn’t want to hear you whining about it for weeks on end.

Ashley *Happy closed mouth squeal*

Sean: I got this ring out of the .25 cent machine and I thought of you. You better be happy I spent like…twenty bucks on that thing.

Ruby: This is so exciting!
Mary: Say yes! So you can get out of here!

Ashley:….

Sean:….

Sean:…You’re going to have to be faster than this. My daddy says I have to be home before midnight.

Ashley: As long as it doesn’t turn my finger green I’ll totally marry you!

Sean: Now let’s join that conga line!

Ashley: Mmmmm….No. These people are too happy. Let’s go somewhere that only allows us to think about ourselves!

Mary: Thank heavens she’s gone!

Ruby: Now where did Jiminy go?

Sean: That place where the park used to be needs some more wooden figures!

Mary: And the worst part of this evening is over!

Mary: Holy crap, I’m sounding like Emma!

Mary: Bestie is starting to rub off on me. If that happens then Mr. Gold might get us confused because we look so much alike and he’ll never leave me alone!

David: Oh Mary, fancy meeting you here!

Mary: Why didn’t you ask me to spend Valentine ’s Day with you instead of where I just was?! It was horrible! Bestie didn’t show up and Ruby abandoned me and I had to babysit Ashley! Her BABY would’ve been less of a pain to watch over!

David: Well I did spend the day making hot steamy love to my wife! Here’s a card.

Mary: Oh…uh…nice to see that you’ve been…busy.

Mary: But you got me a card! The ones Mr. Gold sends me every year are on notebook paper with stick figures and he still manages to make it sweet!

Mary: Wait a minute! This is from Mr. Clarke’s Generic General Store isn’t it! And this isn’t even my name!

David: Oh! Uh…I really hope Kathryn doesn’t open the one I Left on her nightstand anytime soon
Kathryn: WHAT IS THIS?!

David: I’d better take that.

Mary: Wait a minute! You gave that to me!

Mary: I think that maybe this isn’t working out.

David: But we belong together!

Mary: You belong on the ground after that stunt! You know what being a home wrecker has gotten me?! I’m turning into EMMA!

David: Puppy eyes?

Mary: Not working!

*Storms off*

Mr. Gold: Is this a bad time for a ‘Hiiii Emma’?
Emma: Taking a man in the middle of the woods instead of me Mr. Gold?

Mr. Gold: Aw, someone’s finally doing some soul searching and realizing they're jealous.

Emma: The only thing I’m jealous about is how you get to sleep in a cell while I do paperwork all night long.

Mr. Gold: Oh Emma, is that what they’re calling it now?

Mr. Gold: I doubt I’ll be sleeping for that.

Emma: EWWWWWW!

Mr. Gold: Not that I’m in the mood to hit on you or anything.

Emma: You are all over the place. You hit on me but you don’t hit on me, you take people that robbed you to the middle of the woods and nearly beat them to death, and you keep ranting about your crazy straws and I think that’s symbolism for something you might’ve lost but for some reason I don’t really want to look anymore into that.

Mr. Gold: We were…going to discuss ransom of my object that I lost and he fell and my cane fell on him. A lot.

Emma: Aw. And now I have reason to keep you away from Henry too! *Is relieved*

Mr. Gold: Yeah, as if beating a man to death is anything worse than anything Henry’s ever done!

Emma: Well you get to tell me all about that while I’m arresting you because you’re going to jail!

*Quick check out*

Mr. Gold: Oooooo handcuffs Emma? You ARE like that!
Emma: Shut up.

Mr. Gold: And for the second episode in a row you get me in the backseat.
Emma: Shut up.

Mr. Gold: Your mouth says no but your actions say yes baby!

Belle: He could’ve at least let me have “Duck Hunt” in here.

Rumpelstiltskin: Well! I certainly hope you had time to think about what you did.

Belle: Yeah…what was that again?

Rumpelstiltskin: You know, I never liked the way you did my laundry anyway. And I didn’t like the way you cut my carrots and I certainly didn’t like the way you tried to turn me into a vegetarian because PETA would throw paint on my house otherwise. Just leave.

*Turns around and pouts*

Belle: Yeah, REAL ADULT there Rumpelstiltskin.

Belle: Hold on, I have to take one last look at what I’m giving up.

Belle: Okay, I’m ready.

*Is storming out*

Belle: Wait, you know what?

Belle: I was TOTALLY willing to give you a chance! Which is…why I was totally set on leaving until the last second when a stranger came and changed my mind.

Rumpelstiltskin: Look woman, I’m like 500 years older than you are. You’d be the most epic golddigger ever recorded.

Rumpelstiltskin: Not that I would’ve minded.

Belle: Well maybe if you let someone love you-

Rumpelstiltskin: I have my fan girls for that and you know what they don’t do? Go hang out with the Queen as soon as they get past the front yard!

*Is satisfied he won*

Belle: Well maybe you should’ve warned me about her!

Rumpelstiltskin: Well maybe you shouldn’t talk to strangers!

Belle:…Uh….uh…Well maybe I shouldn’t have lived with a stranger!

Rumpelstiltskin:….

Belle: Ha! I win!

Belle: And don’t think I didn’t put explosive devices around the castle on the off chance that I should happen to be released either!

Rumpelstiltskin: Crap. I better find those.

Emma: I have to tell you Goldie, this is the best day I had since I got here!

Mr. Gold: Because you get to look at me all day?

Emma: Nope, because I can make people pay me for them to come in and take pictures of you in jail with their phones. I just made more today than I did since I got here.

Mr. Gold: *Is looking for a way to get a leg up on her….in more ways than one*

Mr. Gold: Hey Emma, since I’ve been in your backseat twice, that means we’re practically married now. What’s it going to take for some conjugal visits?

Emma: Probably either when Hell freezes over or the Dallas Cowboys win the Superbowl. Depends on which apocalypse comes last.

Henry: My mom AND dad under one roof!?
Regina: I’m keeping my hand on your shoulder to slow you down Henry. I swear you almost left me in a cloud of smoke back there.

Emma: What are you accusing Henry of doing now?
Regina: Well he did put venomous snakes in my shower this morning but it was so predictable that I just roll my eyes. He’s really getting off his game.

Mr. Gold: I didn’t know you let cows in the building!

Regina: Take Henry out and…do something with someone or whatever.

Emma: Um…isn’t that against some kind of policy?

Mr. Gold: Emma! What are you doing?! Soul sucking vampire…me helpless without any weapon…I don’t even have a toilet in here!

Emma: But my son does look cool to hang out with.

Mr. Gold: No! Don’t leave me!

Emma: Just because you don’t want me to…See ya, Goldie!

Regina: I didn’t know that you two were at the ‘pet name’ stage yet? I’ll be sure to tell Sidney to publish it front page.

Mr. Gold: Can you bring Emma back? She’s much more entertaining in those tight pants.

Regina: And you’re back in full force towards her I see.

Mr. Gold: I bought that couch.

Regina: Well I’ll come sit on it and ruin it for you.

Mr. Gold: Well luckily I didn’t have to resort to Archie’s detective skills to find out that you were responsible for stealing my stuff.

Regina: Stealing is such a horrible word….I prefer….borrowing without the intent to ever return.

*Tooth gleam*

Mr. Gold: That was creepy.

Mr. Gold: So….can I have my object?

Regina: Sure. Since I brutally murdered Graham, I had nothing else better to do for Valentine’s day anyway. So I figured trolling you was the next best thing to him.

Mr. Gold: No, I’m pretty sure that all my dates think that being with me is better than anything they’ve ever experienced.

*Is trying not to imagine Mr. Gold with his dates*

Regina: We’re going to play…a little game. It’s called “What’s my name?”

Mr. Gold: Regina. I win.

Regina: No! That’s not how you play! I wasn’t ready! You’re supposed to tell me your name!

Mr. Gold: Mr. Gold. I win again. Oh, you’re not very good at this are you?

Regina: *Glares*

Mr. Gold: You want to know how silly you look when you do that?

Mr. Gold: *Rumpelstiltskin Giggle*

Regina: AW CRAP HE DOES KNOW!

Mr. Gold: Now give me what I want or I swear I’ll squeeze through these bars and strangle it out of you.

Mr. Gold: Please.

Mr. Gold: By the way, when exactly did you figure it out that I knew? I mean we hinted it at each other that we both knew in episode two…but it was kind of random this episode. What exactly were you going to ask me in the street? ‘Hey Mr. Gold, what’s your true identity?’ How was that going to work?

Regina: You know what? Have your teacup.

Mr. Gold: Mine!

Regina: Whoops *Pulls it further away* Whoops *Pulls it further away*

Mr. Gold: Oh yeah Madam Mayor, real adult like!

Mr. Gold: Uhh….this isn’t my teacup!

*Is annoyed*

Mr. Gold: Well the good news for me is that I don’t have to pretend I don’t know that you know. Which means there’s absolutely nothing stopping me from coming at you full force.

*Tooth gleamy smile*

Regina: *Gulps* Doesn’t bother me!

Mr. Gold: Archie told me the same thing when I said that I was going to date all his girlfriends to make sure they weren’t going to break his heart. He was lying by the way.

Regina: Well if you want to try and date all my boyfriends I don’t mind watching that scenario unfold!

Mr. Gold: Wait! No! That wasn’t what I was going for!

*Smirk strut*

Mr. Gold: DANGIT!

Rumpelstiltskin: *Sniffles* You spin me right round baby *Sniffles* Right round…

Regina: I spent two days ringing that doorbell Rumpelstiltskin! I wish you’d told me that it was broken and the locks sucked!

Rumpelstiltskin: That’s because it’s an automatic door, you idiot.

Regina: Uh…this isn’t the “World’s Greatest Mentor” tea set I bought you for Mentor’s day!

Rumpelstiltskin: Regina stop pawing through my stuff. I don’t care if you think you look better in my clothes then I do, we’re still not trading.

Regina: Oh your fan girls will be so disappointed!

Rumpelstiltskin: Yeah well it’ll be hard to sleep at night but I figure I’ll learn to live with myself.

Regina: I wish you were sassier like you are now. It’s sort of sexy.

Rumpelstiltskin: And I wish you weren’t here but unfortunately dreams don’t always come true.

Regina: Ooooo I like it.

Rumpelstiltskin: Could this thread make an effective garrote?

Regina: Oh, that’s right. You like Australians.

Rumpelstiltskin: Maybe if I ignore her she’ll go away.

Regina: Oh my heavens, you still have those hideous puppets?!

Rumpelstiltskin: They’re still better company than you are.

Regina: *Is annoyed* Well…your girlfriend is…something.

Rumpelstiltskin: What’re you yabbering on about?

Regina: Well Belle was trying to get home and she bent on a bridge to play with a water lily and sing something about books and Sharktopus leapt out of the water and got her.

Rumpelstiltskin: Curse you Sharktopus. Curse you.

Regina: But that’s not how she died.

Rumpelstiltskin: Wait…what?

Regina: Turns out she had one last landmine that she built against you. And the buildup in his stomach made her shoot out of his mouth like a rocket! Don’t question the logistics of how she might’ve survived that. Anyway she shot so far that she went through the window of her father’s castles he was praying for her return at the dinner table. She rolled across it and fell right in her seat.

Regina: IT scared Maurice so badly that he fainted and went into a coma. The town turned against Belle because Maurice won the Ogre war for them and since they’re all Team!Gaston, she got killed or something.

Rumpelstiltskin: That makes no sense.

Regina: Well that’s how it happened.

Rumpelstiltskin: Weird.

Regina: We’ve seen weirder!

Rumpelstiltskin: Well I see no reason not to automatically believe you!

Regina: Wha- REALLY?! Well…um…okay…

Rumpelstiltskin: Can you leave please? I want to cry in peace.

Regina: OH Rumpelstiltskin, you can’t do anything in private as long as I’m watching you.

Rumpelstiltskin: That was creepy.
Regina: I learned from the best!

*Two dollar cup you get at Dollar General*

*Priceless heirloom*

Rumpelstiltskin: Oh Belle, I’m so sorry you died!

Rumpelstiltskin: I didn’t mean it when I said you did my laundry wrong!

Rumpelstiltskin: DDDEEESSSSSPPPPPAAAIIIIIIRRRRR!

Regina: Well now that I’m done making all the children in the children’s ward cry, I think I’m going to move on the crazies. They’re ALWAYS a challenge.

Regina: Better make sure no one’s looking…

Nurse Ratched: The worst thing about this? Nurses haven’t worn these clothes since the seventies!

Regina: Be my valentine!

Nurse Ratched: You’re desperate aren’t you?

Regina: Well Graham died, I wouldn’t touch Sidney with a ten foot pole, Archie is either dating Ruby or Emma and Mr. Gold practically laughed me off the street when I asked him. You’re my last hope.