Once Upon A Time: Abridged: 207

Happy: You guys, guess what? Granny and my secret relationship has allowed me to have a happy hour over at the diner and you guys are all invited! Mostly because you’re the only friends I have!

Grumpy: We CANT have happy hour tonight, because we were all scheduled for Pickaxe Hide and Seek!

Grumpy: And NO ONE says no to Pickaxe Hide and Seek once they’re in.

*Everyone gets ready to go hide*

Happy: Wait, you know something? Pickaxe Hide and Seek is great and I love being scared to death and chased by someone wielding a pickaxe as much as the next dwarf but do you really have to be ‘it’ all the time? I think we should all take turns.

Grumpy: I’m sorry…who is Charming’s best man friend again?

*Not them*

Grumpy: Oh crap, is this where I hid the C4?

*Explodes*

Happy: Dude! He’s dead!

Charming: Curse this automatic!

Charming: Henry, why are you tagging along?

Henry: Because you deputized me!

Charming: No Henry, I deputized Rumpelstiltskin and HE deputized you!

Henry: Same difference. My stepdad makes out your paycheck.

Charming: Everybody pays my paycheck.

Henry: He also lets you live here.

Charming: ….stop allowing me to let you hang out with the villains, Henry. You’re learning far too much.

Happy: Okay, no matter what Leroy tells you, it was NOT my fault!

Grumpy: *Is feeling seductive because he came and went from happy hour* Hey you….

Doc: Don’t feel offended, he’s been hitting on everything from us to the mine cart.

*Are big honkin’ diamonds*

Blue Fairy: Do you realize what this means?!

Charming: It means we’re gonna be RICH!

Blue Fairy: …no! Somehow we can grind these down into fairy dust!

Charming: Huh?

Blue Fairy: Do not question the logics of our ways!

Henry: I shall steal some…world domination and step 2 of my operation of doom MUST be funded.

Blue Fairy: I FINALLY HAVE UNLIMITED POWER!!!!!!!

Henry: Mmm, world domination in my grasp feels GOOD.

Charming: *Is oblivious* Sorry Henry, did you say something?

Group: HAPPY HOUR!

*Watch your entire childhood be a lie as your Disney Characters get wasted.*

Happy: This woman that’s randomly hanging out with us is drinking me under the table!

Doc: CHUG! CHUG! CHUG!

Grumpy: Alright thumb wars champion, ready for me to take your title?

Charming: Bring it! And you’re still getting disqualified if you punch me in the solar plexus again!

Red: Well…this group beats…hanging out with my new loving hot husband and getting soul sucking glares from my step daughter…I guess. *Doesn’t mean it.*

Billy the Mechanic: Hhheeyyyy Yoooouuuu.

Red: Like….what the crap?! You hanging out all serial killer like? Ready to pounce on me after work!?

Billy the Mechanic: No! I just wanted a refill!

Red: Like…who are you?

Billy the Mechanic: I was in the first season…

Red: So was Abigail and Cinderella and Hansel and Gretel and Archie (No wait, he exists in this season

too. Sorry)

Billy the Mechanic: I’m GUS GUS! We hung out! I was in episode 4 and episode 5!

Red:……

Billy the Mechanic:…..

Red:……

Billy the Mechanic:…..

Red: OHHHH!

Billy the Mechanic: So you remember me?

Red: No…sorry.

Belle: Hey guys! What’s going on?!

Red: Belle! Go away! I was about to shoot this guy down in the most horrible way possible by telling him that I’m married!

*Is feeling incredibly awkward*

Belle: Well…I WAS trying to prevent that because people are starting to pick up on the fact that you’re taken now and so they’re coming to me. And Rumpelstiltskin is getting jealous and so he’s complaining to Archie and so Archie’s talking about my fidelity issues in therapy and your happily married life is NOT doing me any favors!

*Beams*

Red: Like…I totally didn’t know that would actually work when you suggested we start saying things like that to scare potential love interests off!

Belle: Best friends!

Red: You made all that stuff up, right?

Belle: ….Sure Red…sure

Henry: *Happy sigh* Irish coffee….

Charming: Henry, stop saying things like that. I know you’re doing it just to make me mad and I’ll drink it to make sure you’re lying and choke on a marshmallow and while I’m at the hospital, you’ll be at Gold’s house! I won’t fall for that fourth time!

*Henry Glare*

Charming: Don’t look! Don’t look!

Charming: Alright, I’ve talked it over with Mr. Gold and he’s agreed to give Emma some time to think about whether or not she wants to spend the rest of her life getting checked out by him in a married way. I’m halfway there. Soon, I’ll convince him not to marry her at all!

Henry: That’s what you think…

Charming: Oh Henry, give me some of that Irish Coffee. I think I need it more than you.

George: Forgot I existed too! Didn’t you?

*Honestly did*

George: How about this? *Takes authorities voice* Clean your room young man! Were you born on a farm?!

*Looks around*

George: Also I’m evil!

Charming: Fake daddy! I thought that was you!

George: *IS being condescending* You haven’t changed much, beloved fake imposter stomach churning son of mine!

Charming: Hey!

George: Careful son…we wouldn’t want people to think you were…

*Looks around*

George: Adopted…would we?

Charming: IF it means they know that you’re my FAKE daddy….YES

Charming: Fake daddy; go make your impossible overcomplicated plans elsewhere. I have a thumb war to get to!

George: Careful Charming…we wouldn’t want anything…TRAGIC to happen to any of your friends that love you so much, now would we?

Charming: I hope not! That would be awful! Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to make sure Henry’s my

designated driver.

George: I’m twirling my invisible mustache now.

Granny: I’ve had enough of people eating my lasagna when I close up!

Charming: Um…you are aware that there’s an Irish drinking song going on a few feet away, right? Aren’t people going to hear and get suspicious and worried if Red can’t control herself?

Granny: Quiet Charming, or I’ll shove you in there with her!

Charming: Isn’t it also like eight thirty? Bit early for shoving you in there, isn’t it?

Red: Being married to Jefferson totally means I’m only getting like one hour of sleep a night.

Charming: Ewwwwww!

Charming: Why is the crazy guy the only one getting some!? Also wouldn’t a jail cell for a cage be more…preferable?

Granny: I said SILENCE your logic, Charming!

Charming: You don’t even have a bed!

Charming: And don’t you shed and do doggy things that usually require humans to walk them so that we don’t get it in the house? And you’re going to be doing this in the refrigerator?!

Red: It’s better than what my false memories used to tell me I did in this refrigerator.

Charming: I’m never eating here again.

Red: Well…like the false memories were totally fake…

Red: ….at least I hope.

Red: Totally tell my husband I miss his warm body flung over me already!

Granny: Bye Red, hope you don’t suffocate.

Red: Snow! We’ve been running for three months straight! I think it’s time we took a breather!

Red: Like…hold on! *Is singing* The woods are aliiiivee with the sound of Queen’s guard….!

Snow: Good bait work, Ruby!

*Are brutally murdering*

Red: Hurry! They’re onto us! Run!

Snow: That. Felt. GOOD!

Snow: Hey! What’s that?

*I wish the moon was that bright when I went into the woods at night*

Snow: HEAVENS! I want my wedding dress top to look JUST LIKE THAT!

*Are hiding*

Snow: Dangit Red, are you still following me around?

Red: I…I thought we were besties.

Snow: You keep saying that annoying word that I will NEVER use and I’m going to make our bestie cake alone!

Red: *Sniffles*

Snow: Frig! I forgot the brown sugar when we went to the market!

Red: Oh no! The eggs that we spent all our money on are broken!

Snow: THEY ARE WHAT?!

Snow: *Is looking towards heaven* Why me? Why me?

Red: *Is crying* I took them out of their little sweaters because they looked like they were hot and I didn’t realize that it might be serving as cushions too so when you pushed me down and trampled me when I as running too slow, they broke!

Red: I’m SORRY!

Red: I’m never gonna be good at anything! My SWAT training, being a proper egg carrying bestie! Having love interests that don’t die because of me! I’ll fail at everything!

Snow: *Feels bad* Hey, I’m sorry. You’re not a complete failure…you…um…um…You seem to be pretty good at murder. I’m sure there are other things you’re great at too…OH! You always wake up with your hair brushed and perfect and your clothes are never dirty even though we’ve been wearing the same ones for days or weeks or months! So there’s that.

Red: *Lip quivers*

Red: *Immediately stops* you’re right, Snow. I CAN accomplish anything!

Snow: Wow, weird. I can’t believe you stopped midhyperventilation like that.

Snow: Let’s go kill some more Queen’s guard!

Red: YAY!

Snow: Never mind Red, I think I might like you a little more now.

Quinn: Don’t bother remembering me. I’m only on for three minutes.

Granny: Well…another morning of dodging all my suitors is done. Maybe I should lug around that crossbow more.

Granny: RED! GET YOUR BACKSIDE OUT OF BED! I RUN A DINER NOT A HOTEL! Oh wait, crap, I keep forgetting that I run both.

Granny: Red?

Granny: MY DOOR!

Henry: DISCO FLOOR! The terror!

*Is being forced to dance*

*Is being forced to twist and shout*

Henry: I start fires and horrifying dance offs! I’m not a victim of them!

Regina: Go to sleep, Henry!

Henry: GAH! Didn’t you just try to kill my grandpa in the premiere and emotionally blackmailed me into coming with you by threatening to hurt others in the episode after that? And haven’t you tried to kill my biological family multiple times? Why on earth would my grandpa trust YOU of all people to babysit me?

Regina: Well…I…uh…

Charming: HEY YOU!

Regina: I wasn’t- watching your place…for the best opportunity to kidnap Henry again…

Charming: Yes you! Random person! Watch my grandkid okay? I have important SHERIFFING to do!

Regina: I’m SERIOUSLY not making that up. That’s honestly how it happened.

Regina: Oh Henry, are you trying to karate chop the stove again?

Charming: Granny, I know this is a weird question to ask but was the crossbow really necessary?

Granny: IT’s still early and my suitors are prowling. Also, I need to hunt some game….we’re running low on meat.

*No one sleeps looking that good. Some things in life just aren’t fair*

Charming: *Is being a prankster* Alright young lady, you’re under arrest.

Red: Like what?!

Granny: Shut up Charming! You’re going to put her in therapy again!

Granny: Red…you got out.

Red: Well DUH! I could sort of tell!

Charming: *Is still being a prankster* And you’re under suspicion for multiple murders, young lady.

Red: WHAT?!

Granny: Oh Charming….shut up.

Charming: Bad Red! Getting out and scaring everyone! *Smacks Red’s nose with newspaper*

Red: I can’t believe my bestie is married to him.

Granny: I can’t believe you won’t let me come live in your awesome new house with you.

Charming: Yes…animal pound? Is that you? I have a pickup…in the middle of the woods…

Charming: I’m just kidding…someone found truck covered in blood double parked. It’s fine.

Red: Like…whatever Charming. You’re totally a jerk before you have your coffee.

Charming: No! Really!

Red: FINALLY! I found something rock hard and not relaxing at all to sleep on. Just like home…..

Red: Snow said multiple times that she was going to ditch me but I Never thought that she would actually do it! I knew that us running around green wooded areas in just white and red cloaks would never end well!

Red: Aw, my reflection tells me that I still look better than everyone else.

Quinn: MY CLOAK NOW!

Red: Like….GIMME!

Red: My bestie flaked out on me, my love interest is dead, granny wont’ pick up my calls and my beloved cloak of awesome is stolen! I Totally HATE this dream!

Quinn: YOOHOO! How is this not dirty? Also, I’m burning this eyesore of an abomination. Terrifying a girl by burning the only thing she thinks keeps her from murdering people she cares about is the BEST way to get love interest status.

Red: The only eyesore is that SO last century leather jerkin, jerk wad.

Quinn: *Is trying to figure out how that cloak is more of a fashion statement than his leather jerkin of doom.*

Quinn: Can I wear it first?

Red: DON’T TOUCH MY STUFF!

*Are wrestling around*

Rumpelstiltskin: Augh, you kids. Get a room.

Quinn: Hey you!

Red: Like….YOU JUST FLASHED ME!

Quinn: Yep, this totally makes us dating in werewolf lore.

Red: You’re totally one of them too? What are the odds?!

Quinn: *Is being smoldering* Hey…wanna join our awesome not cult family fun pack?

Red: *Has watched Lifetime Movies* No.

Quinn: We have a decent bed AND bath.

Red: Okay!

Quinn: Oh, you won’t need that! I’ve taken your wrapping that cloak around yourself to somehow means it stops you from turning. Not something silly like it keeps you warm or other such drivel.

Red: Like…take it from me and lose an arm, pretty face.

Quinn: I tell you that I know where the lair is.

Red: Like…we’ve been circling these rocks for the past hour. Hey, is that a door?

Quinn: I found it!

Red: But I-

Quinn: I said “I” found it!

*CULT! CULT!

Red: Like…where is all this natural light coming from?

Red: Like…you guys are SO bad guys, you have a spacious underground James Bond lair and everything.

Anita: Ugh, pulling me from my thoughts, just like mom, it must be my daughter.

Red: Like….no way! A couple of months tops of running and I just happen to meet the mother I thought was dead!

*Augh! If my mother dressed like that, I would have nightmares for years*

Anita: AW! I found you!

Red: But it was the other guy that found me. Just for clarification, he’s not my brother, is he?

Anita: I said “I” found you!

Red: I don’t like this family!

Red: Why couldn’t you just take us home?

Charming: I have no time for that! I have important police business!

Granny: I’m still not entirely sure as to why I called you, I have a decent sense of smell and hearing and a crossbow…and I’ve wrestled Ruby down more times than I’d actually care to count…maybe I just wanted you to walk in front of me for a while…heh.

Charming: *Is oblivious* Why?

Charming: Good, Detective Man hasn’t gotten out of his cell and prowled through my crime scene of double parked vehicles.

Red: Hold on, this is Billy’s truck! I recognize it because he was blatantly reminding us that he existed last night

Granny: But Billy only reminds us he exists to hit on Ruby!

Charming: Hey guys…you don’t think Billy would mind if I drove this around for a bit, would you?

Charming: EWWW! And no one’s noticed this?! They left it for me to find? GROSS! I only wanted to be sheriff because I thought it’d be an easy job that I could prop my feet up and collect a paycheck

Granny: Lazy and worthless!

Charming: No Granny! I was joking! Please stop chasing me!

Charming: EWWWW

Charming: I know his pain. Sometimes my legs want to go to the cotton candy stop, and I have to grab the light pole to keep from going and it feels like my body’s being stretched. I guess his cravings were far more violent than mine.

Ruby: The wolf killed him! It was MMEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE *Chokes* *Coughs* *Wheezes* *Breathes in*EEEEEEEEEEEEEE

Henry: If I say that I got burned touching Regina, would that make it better or worse than I’m getting burned because Charming does the laundry and I get hit by static electricity?

Rumpelstiltskin: I hope you’re proud of yourself Regina. I can’t believe you never thought this wouldn’t come up after you went and poisoned him. Hey Regina, know why I’m better than you? Because I do this thing called research.

Regina: My victims aren’t supposed to wake up….except Snow White…and nearly Emma but ended up being Henry…

Rumpelstiltskin: So by…’aren’t supposed to’ you mean…always do. Way to be 0-2, Regina.

Henry: Rock on, step daddy!

Rumpelstiltskin: Why thank you Henry, it’s so nice to be appreciated *Loves Henry like his own son. Squees*

Henry: You’re welcome stepdaddy, it’s nice to be recognized to appreciate you. *Loves Rumpelstiltskin as a stepdaddy. Squees*

Regina: Are you guys done yet?

Rumpelstiltskin: You know what? I’m not even going to remind you that he wouldn’t be in this situation if not for you and I don’t even know why you bothered calling me when it’s established in the next episode that I still hate you. So why don’t you just sit there quietly before yet ANOTHER of your stupid plans endangers Henry again?

Henry: I’m still covering the bruises Daniel left with makeup, just so you know.

Rumpelstiltskin: *Is having fun* My best friend got me this bag for our Friendship Anniversary. He’s so sweet. I remember his words perfectly. He said ‘Now I know what this looks like but I TOTALLY didn’t get this out of Victor’s trashcan because it’s so expensive I would be evicted if I bought it. That silly. I would never evict him because he spent all his money buying presents for me. I bought him a few sweater vests. He was so thrilled. We know each other so well.

Regina: No one cares!

Henry: I want a friendship JUST LIKE THAT.

Henry: What is that? Girly jewelry? I’m not wearing that!

Rumpelstiltskin: You’ll wear what I say you’ll wear!

Regina: Look, as long as it’s only mental and emotional peril that my son’s in, I’m fine, but if he’s actually getting physically hurt with me in the vicinity then it won’t look good on my part. Can we find a way to stop this so I don’t get blamed?

Regina: What did I say about being quiet?

Rumpelstiltskin: Now Henry, as long as you don’t plop over face first in your sleep, you can control your dreams. Make me 6’5 and buff…make Emma happily married to me…make Regina into a talking moose….anything is possible. And if we’re lucky…if you get ripped out of the dream, all that MIGHT happen. But I don’t even pretend to understand the rules of this sleeping world.

Henry: I don’t like wearing girly necklaces but since it’s a gift from you…I guess I’ll take it.

Regina: How did you do that? My gifts end up in the fireplace!

Rumpelstiltskin: That’s because you gave him a Chia pet for three years in a row when he said he wanted a pet. Your gifts SUCK.

Red: Like…I’m totally telling you that I’m guilty! Cuff me! Cuff me!

Charming: I’m not Jefferson! Wait! No! Don’t confirm or deny that sort of thing, I don’t want to know it!

Charming: Ruby unless you have werewolf human hands then stop it, okay? There are absolutely no bite-marks on this guy and it CANT be you because we found you in the woods. He was murdered in TOWN! Totally not you!

Charming: SO STOP CRYING OR I’LL GIVE YOU SOMETHING TO CRY ABOUT!

Red: I’m a murderer!

Charming: Look, I’ve killed more people than you can shake a stick at; being a murderer isn’t that bad. Now just in case, get in the backseat so we can stop arguing where everyone can hear us since you don’t know what an INDOOR voice is.

Red: And Jefferson made me breakfast at home to make me feel better after wolfing out and I can’t even eat it because I’ll be in jail….

Granny: What?! I had you a special plate made at the diner!

Red: What are you all looking at?!

Granny: Easy Ruby! Easy.

Charming: Easy Red, I’ll scare them off. Everyone runs in terror when I come up and say ‘I will always find you!’.

Granny: Ugh, it makes me want to run right now.

Red: I wish Jefferson was here. He knows how to make me feel better!

Jefferson: I wish Red was here. Breakfast is getting cold and I made all her favorites. .

Red: So…granny kidnapped me? I have a hard time believing that.

Anita: She’s on the Enchanted Forest’s 10 most wanted for a reason.

Red: But she’s OLD! How fast could she possibly go? And don’t you have smell or something? I’m beginning to think you abandoned me!

Anita: *Is caught* I-e-um….your grandmother was afraid to embrace the wolf!

Red: Well yeah, because her brothers were brutally murdered and she was bit and turned when she was terrified and married the guy or something….but that TOTALLY doesn’t mean her reasons are legit, what am I thinking?

Anita: *Is embarrassed* Just ignore her, she has issues

Red: *Feels sad*

Anita: We really need to work on you, Red. How do you expect a hot portal jumper to be your husband and sweep you off your feet if you’re hanging out with humans and using the words ‘like’ and ‘totally’ all the time? You’re such a disappointment but what can I expect when you were raised by GRANNY instead of me?

Anita: Trust me, I’m an expert. I’ve been married to eight of them.

Anita: Oh. You’re still wearing that.

Red: Well yeah, it’s cold in here.

Anita: Strip my child. Otherwise Quinn can’t decide if he likes you or not since your personality isn’t going to win him and his family fortune won’t’ marry into the family.

Red: I believe in catching hypothermia for my man!

Anita: My complete control of you means that I accept you as my daughter.

Red: Someone who loves me other than Granny that has no chance of dying! *squees*

Jefferson: Hey, did you hear that? IT sounded like the happy squees of an angel!

Rumpelstiltskin: I heard no such idiotic thing, now stop sitting on your duff Jefferson, we’ll never find Jiminy at this rate.

Jefferson: I’m not sure playing hide and seek with a cricket was a good idea.

Rumpelstiltskin: I have to do whatever he says for the next five years still. I’m making up for seeing other besties on him.

Jefferson: Your relationship is odd.

Rumpelstiltskin: Why does everyone always say that?

Red: Am I allowed conjugal visits?

Charming: Don’t be stupid, Red. I have to wash that mattress.

Red: How come Moe isn’t in here? Don’t you think him having Belle kidnapped and nearly brain wiped was a LITTLE suspect?

Charming: For like…an hour, but then I realized I would actually have to WORK and that was just ridiculous.

George: Hey guys, I’m here to collect a statement from Red while they’re struggling to put Billy together like the jigsaw puzzle he is now.

Charming: Hold on; NAUGHTY RED! NO MURDER! *Wags finger*

Charming: And how dare you say things like that to freak her out. Next you’ll be having a mob out or something!

George: What a good idea! I’ll get started on that right away!

Red: Wished I’d changed clothes though…

George: So…horrible thing happened to your friend and now everything’s thrown into chaos…almost like…you can’t lead like you should…

Charming: What are you saying?

Red: *Facedoors*

Jefferson: Honey!

Red: Pookiebear!

Jefferson: Leave Charmless and Georgie…there’s only one man on a list allowed to hold my wife’s hand while she cries and neither one of you are it!

Red: *Is in love*

Jefferson: Hi Red! Your breakfast got cold so I made more and brought it down for you! *Refrains from checking himself out in cell door bar reflection because he’s too in love*

Red: Like…being a CGI wolf is horrible! I don’t even feel like I’m all here!

Anita: Shut up Ruby, don’t make me turn this pack around!

Red: Ugh like….I wanted to be a white one.

Red: if Quinn gets near me one more time, I’m sending him to get fixed.

*Superpuppies!*

Red: WOAH! I don’t want to break a claw!

Red: That’s a REALLY long drop, I’m like…just saying.

Red: Nah, screw it, I’m going home.

Red: I’m so happy my mother loves me for me and isn’t in the middle of a cult wide conspiracy….

Anita and Co.: One of us. One of us. One of us.

Red: Like…what are you totally doing? I’m not even awake enough for this.

Anita: You’re officially part of the pack. Now, let’s get you into horrifying amounts of leather and hideous clothes so that you’ll be ready for your first human sacrifice!

Red: I’ve totally never been part of a club that wanted me before! I have besties AND a family all wrapped in one!

Anita: No! Besties symbolize healthy relationship! You keep talking like that; Red and I’ll spray you with a hose!

George: Oh son…didn’t you learn differently when you tried this for your room?

George: Bad news everyone. We can’t go in! He…*Gasp* chained the door. Oh wait, we totally can, it’s nothing that a pair of bolt cutters can’t solve. Or a rock through the glass.

George: This is the guy that’s leading you as sheriff! He…let’s his friends kill people or something! Should we let our lives be in danger?! I mean, she doesn’t remember so that…does seem to be bad news for everyone here…

Extra 1: Frankly, just reminding me that he’s letting Regina walk free would’ve been enough to get me riled up.

Extra 2: Can we go home? I feel weird going after the girl that used to flirt with me at the diner.

Extra 3: Now that I think about it…I sort of like her too. She had a spring in her step and a smile on her face. Even when I was feeling grumpy because I’m an accountant at your office, she was always positive and I felt better because as crappy as you made me feel…at least I wasn’t wearing those freakishly high heels.

George: What? No! No! You’re not supposed to realize how stupid this plan is! She married Jefferson while barely knowing him for heaven’s sake!

Women Extras: That tart! Let’s get her!

Men Extras: That lucky man! Let’s get him!

George: Hm. Well…guess that suggestion about leaving a guard while I was gone wasn’t so stupid after all.

Extra 2: Are we gonna have to pay for that lock?

Extra 3: I’m going to the catering table before all the zucchini is taken…let me know when we’re supposed to find her again.

Red: I suppose a jail cell was fine but that’s totally nothing compared to being chained to pipes!

Jefferson: Don’t worry honey, I’m about to start running over the angry mob with my car and I’ll put a stuffed dog in the passenger s eat to draw them away and keep you safe.

Belle: Hey! What are you all doing in my library?

Charming: That’s what I was trying to tell you!

Belle: I stopped listening to you the minute you told me that my father WASN’T in jail for trying to murder the real memory me.

Red: Like….thanks for being there Belle. I totally dig our friendship.

Belle: NO problem bestie, except can you please not break those? They connect to the sprinklers and well…it just wouldn’t be good for the library business.

Granny: Don’t worry…if she puts up so much as a struggle, I’ll put her down old Yeller style.

Jefferson: *Is worried*

Granny: Oh for heaven’s sakes! I’m KIDDING!

Belle: Oh gross! Charming!

Charming: That wasn’t me! I swear!

Charming: But uh…we should go. Quickly. I don’t want to be Peter.

Jefferson: I’ll get my car started. Bye honey, I love you!

Red: Like…I don’t deserve you!

Jefferson: I know.

Red: Get your head off my leg Quinn; I stopped having feeling an hour ago.

Quinn: SH! I hear someone coming!

Red: Quinn! You’re dreaming again! Go back to sleep.

Quinn: *Is humming Mission Impossible*

Red: Fine! If you want to stand there looking like an idiot for the next hour again then by all means, do it!

Snow: Hey guys! What’s going on!

Quinn: I love your cloak! Gimme!

Snow: Can’t breathe!

Red: Hi Snow! You totally found me! HI!

Anita: Is Red beating up Quinn again? I thought I just separated them!

Red: She’s my bestie! *Punches in kidney*

Quinn: OWWW

Anita: Ugh, a friend.

Snow: What’s going on?

Red: Meet my family! Aren’t they great?!

Snow: ….

Red: What?

Snow: I came back for you! I was going to ditch you but then I realized that…I was lonely without you and maybe I warmed up to you and your incessant chattering and…it’s just too quiet without you trailing after me. And then I realized that bestie cakes are no fun to make alone.

Red: Bestie, that is the sweetest thing anyone’s ever said to me!

Snow: But I am NOT coming down here to live, you guys don’t even have proper beds and so it’s me or them.

Red: I don’t even need to make a choice…my back with my family who completely understands me or my bestie…

Red: See ya, mom! My bestie is here and she doesn’t freak me out like you do.

Snow: Look of disdain!

Snow: I’ll even sit through a Wipeout marathon with you if it means that we’re friends again.

Red: Bestie, you’re the best!

Quinn: OWWWW!

Red: Quinn the attention whore.

Anita: Oh for heaven’s sake Quinn, you don’t have to do that to try and emotionally blackmail every pretty girl that leaves the pack!

*Are guards*

Snow: Oh um…how did they get here?

Red: I totally thought I took that big neon sign that said ‘bestie, I’m in here’ down before I came down the stairs!

Anita: Well that just makes me scowl!

*Are beaten*

*Which is sort of sad, Regina should invest in some proper trainers*

*Is dead*

Red: Would this be a bad time to call dibs on his cloak?

Belle: Are you all restroomed up, bestie? We’re gonna be in here for a while.

Red: Yeah...no…I kill people…you being here might not be a good idea when I go up to Rumpelstiltskin, drop your head at his feet, and expects a treat.

Belle: I am an expert in rehabilitation!

Red: I’m going to back away slowly before the lightning strikes. Seriously, the only guy you tried to rehabilitate sort of kicked you out and got you caught! You’re STILL eating ice cream for the crap he inadvertently put you through!

Red: Now I’ve decided that I'm a monster and I should die!

Belle: That’s stupid! You have everything going for you! You’re married to the hottest guy in Storybrooke! There was a vote!

Red: Being married to Jefferson is amazing and all but it’s not always easy. I mean, sure he wakes me up with little kisses after he brushes his teeth so that he won't have morning breath but he still has the entire floor, ceiling and walls made of mirrors. I mean during our…that’s just weird!

Belle: THAT’S the worst thing about him?

Belle: I’m dating the friggin’ Dark One and dealing with being kidnapped every other day and family not approving and all you have to worry about is how vain your husband can be?

Belle: Jefferson doesn’t have a brother, does he?

Red: Jefferson says his parents were so amazed by the kid they got that they couldn’t bear to make any other children live up to him.

Belle: Hey, does that orderly uniform get used?

Red: Like you wouldn’t believe. IT never fits me though.

*Is cuffed*

Red: Stay here and rot, you’ll totally never be Snow!

Red: If the mob wants a wolf then I’ll give them one!

Belle: That doesn’t seem very safe for the innocent people you were worried about hurting!

Granny: This is disgusting; didn’t this man bathe in anything NOT motor oil?

Charming: Why couldn’t I have done this hours ago?

Granny: Hey!

Charming: What? What did you find?

Granny: George’s car! Quick! Let’s graffiti it!

Charming: Well…okay but I should let you know that I’ll feel compelled to clean it off!

Charming: But first I want to break in and see if he has a spare tire. Just in case mine goes flat.

*Witness the shocking revelation that everyone knew the minute George sat in the booth at the diner*

Granny: Hm. Good thing he didn’t burn either of those.

Charming: Fake daddy kills people?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!

Charming: The world is all wrong now!

Granny: Well, I called it. Everyone did. We even started up a bet on how long it would take you to put it all together. Pongo won. Don’t ask how that worked.

Charming: Quick! Cover me while I break this window! Warrants are for n00bs! AW! These pants do

make my butt look big!

Granny: Ugh, thanks, I WAS going to call dibs on that car when you cart George off as payment for Ruby’s emotional trauma but…well, not now.

Charming: Granny! I’m stuck!

Charming: *Smacks head on roof* GAH!

Charming: How is his phone bill so cheap?

Granny: Is THAT all you’re worried about?

Charming: I pay $100s more a month. I know what it is; it’s because Henry calls overseas and scams people.

Granny: This is why “I” should have been sheriff!

*I wouldn’t be caught dead with a postmortem face like that.*

Anita: I love him more than my own child!

Red: Can I have his room?

Anita: I’ve decided this to be all YOUR fault!

Red: She does have a point bestie, for someone that’s so innocent all the time; you do make a repetition of getting people killed.

Snow: How is it my fault that you have so many entrances here?! Or that they lumbered around following me…Well, I suppose that could be my fault…

Anita: Hurry! Tie her up while it’s still traumatizing for my daughter who likes her!

Snow: I KNEW that happy FBI agent act was all a lie!

Anita: Are you kidding? Of course it was, I was dealing with Scully, Dogget, and Mulder all day. Anyone would be homicidal!

Red: Like…those last few seasons were NOT your fault and now it NOT the time to snap!

Anita: It’s the perfect time to snap! Nothing says sympathetic more than cannibalism! Where humans go, death follows! That’s obviously bad! So what better way to make death follow us when we kill her first?

Red: MOM! EW!

Snow: Invisible ropes! The WORST kinds!

Anita: Kibbles and Bits, Kibbles and Bits, Gonna get me some Kibbles and Bits.

Snow: You know what? Your form is SURPRISINGLY fitting!

Anita: *Is mad*

Red: LIKE, RED SMASH!

Anita: Oh don’t worry; I think it managed to miss all the major body parts.

*How does she hot having a gaping hole of those huge…decorations went right through her?*

Snow: *Is hiding behind the cloak* Please don’t kill me!

Anita: The ONE pointy object, Red. The ONE pointy object in this ENTIRE ROOM.

Red: Like, well then next time, MOVE.

Red: Mom, why didn’t you listen to me when I was begging you not to kill my friend and so now I had to accidently kill you?

Red: Don’t tell Granny, she’ll spank me.

Anita: There, there, this is your fault.

Red: *Is offended* Well geez, mom, you didn’t HAVE to invite me to hang out you know. It’s not like I wanted to hang out in my mom’s pack anyway. I was just doing it not to hurt your feelings.

Red: Ew! I can see the other side of the floor!

Anita: Always know that I’m disappointed in you! *Is dead*

Snow: Geez, and I thought I Had family problems.

Red: I’m so glad the other members of the pack weren’t here to see this!

George: So blondie…you single?

George: Wait guys! Use the crosswalks!

George: Who opened the basketball court? Oh, it never fails, you open up the basketball court at night and the gangs come in and look…it’s already started!

George: Who painted graffiti on the dumpster?

*Seriously, who would do that?*

Blue Fairy: Heh. Heh. Heh.

George: Here puppy puppy puppy, it’s okay. We’re just going to give you a bath by drowning you a little, we’re going to blow dry your fur by using this fire and pitchfork lady’s going to comb your fur.

George: I don’t know why this would work considering a crossbow with a silver tipped arrow wouldn’t kill her!

*Explosions*

Granny: HOLY CRAP! What did I put in that thing, a bomb?

Granny: I mean…I MEANT to do that! *Plans to use it on Rumpelstiltskin*

Extra 1: We’re no match against one old lady and one dog. Maybe we should go home.

Charming: Excuse me, pardon me, sorry.

Extra 2: MY FOOT!

Charming: *Feels bad* So sorry.

Charming: I smell the smell of a murderer!

Charming: My fake daddy murdered Gus-Gus!

Mob: We automatically believe that you just happened to find evidence indicting our mob leader for the murder he’s leading us against.

Pitchfork Lady: Say that again about my man!

Charming: RAWR!

Mob: *Are intimidated*

Charming: Now stay where you are or I SWEAR I’ll make another speech! And just for added measure, I’ll throw in 18 different sentences about finding you all. So in other words, less than I do every episode.

Red: BACON!

Charming: *Is petting the cloak to let Red know he’s friendly* Easy Red, I’m not going to get that close because I know your knack for killing people that you care about.

*Is petting the air hoping Red will want that to be her*

Red: *Has had better days*

Charming: Luckily Jefferson isn’t here. I told him to go find you in the woods because he thinks that’s where you’d be.

Red: Like, JEFFERSON!

Charming: *is singing* Stop! In the name of love!

Red: Like…Jefferson can’t see me like this! He won't want to kiss me when there’s blood on my teeth!

Red: I hate the ENTIRE TOWN. I’m so glad I married a recluse.

Charming: *Is being jerky* I’m trying to decide whether or not I like the wolf version of you more.

Charming: Red? Red? RED? Oh crap, you’re going into shock!

Red: No…I’m okay. *Hums a child tune all creepy*

Charming: Red, you’re freaking me out.

Red: *Keeps doing it*

Charming: Red, stop

Red: *Keeps doing it*

Charming: Red, you’re just doing that to make me mad!

Granny: AUGH! I tripped!

Charming: Quick, time to get you to a nursing home.

Granny: No! Uh…George pushed me down and ran! No one stopped him!

Red: I HATE these people.

Charming: A murderer on the loose! Stay calm everyone! I have important sheriffing to do!

Granny: Red, you gotta go with him. If there’s anyone that can beat up George then it’s got to be you. I have a feeling that Charming would get his backside handed to him.

Red: SUPER RED!

George: This is pitiful. When I suggested we all go out and roast marshmallows after brutally ripping Red apart, I wish I’d had the foresight to bring some!

Red: We have a beach?

Charming: Finally! I can build a real sandcastle!

George: Darnit, this town has the worst attempts at mobs that I’ve ever seen.

Red: Like, you tried to kill me!

Charming: And me! Several times now that I think about it!

George: Oh don’t worry, I know what to do. I know that I’ll look sad and whine about how my parents were big meanies and how I was manipulated and you’ll let me walk free.

Charming: I think you might be talking about someone and I have no idea who it is.

*Why can’t Rumpelstiltskin restore that?*

Red: Jefferson’s hat! He made me tear the house apart looking for it!

Charming: NOOOOEEESSS! I LOVE that hat! I was going to wear it for Miner’s Day!

*Is trying to fan the flames out with his hands*

George: Ow! You pushed me down! You pushed an old man down; I hope you’re happy with yourself!

Charming: Fake daddy, I’m sorry! I didn’t mean to hurt you! And I know that it’s against being a good guy if I kill you-

Red: SHOOT HIM! DO IT!

George: Is this a bad time to remind you that if not for me….you would never have met Snow in the first place?

Charming: Fake Daddy, I love you so much but you give me no choice! You’re going to have to pay for what you’ve done!

Charming: Ooo! Shiny fire!

Charming: *Cries* I’m going to have to actually take care of him, aren’t I?

George: I guess I’ll just…lounge around here then.

Red: Goodbye mother! May you always run free beneath the moon’s pale light!

Snow: What the frig did you just say?

Red: None of the other pack attended the funeral either! Awkward!

Snow: GLOMP ATTACK!

Red: GLOMP ATTACK!

Red: You’re totally the best, Snow. I was so Team!Mom until I Realized that she never let me out of the house and dating was going to be a pain and there was like…nothing to do all day. Sorry about abandoning you out there to fend for yourself while I found my identity.

Snow: There. There. I forgive you.

Snow: I just realized that I’m a horrible bestie and a creepy human being. Maybe if I hang out with you, I can learn to be awesome enough to get a man and a throne

Snow: *Is imagining it*

Red: Uh…what about me?

Snow: *Didn’t think about that* Uh- You can leave with your grandmother again and have a cool dress like you did in the pilot.

Red:….

Snow: ….

Red: Cool. Let’s hang out.

Red: I’ve never had a bestie like you.

Snow: I know.

Red: Like, first thing we’re working on is humility. I’m turning you into a clone of me turned up to eleven.

Snow: So do you think that your pack might be hanging out, ready to attack us?
Red: Don’t be silly, Snow.

Red: Hey Honey, I’m back.

Jefferson: *Is Squeeing* Red! You’re okay! I was so worried! I wanted to hug myself when I saw myself in the doorknob reflection but then I looked at my wedding ring and I realized that I couldn’t cheat on you with me because you mean so much!

Red: You’re the nicest guy I know that hasn’t died within minutes of us being on screen together!

Red: I know that we started off our marriage shaky… I mean when we met we realized that we were pretty and then you proposed when you realized I was secretly a bodyguard and ninja and could protect you but in the two weeks we’ve been together, I think that we’ve come SO FAR! We have like…the love that elderly people have together now.

Jefferson: *Is in love* I told you once that I accept your wolf side, Ruby. You’re ability to have your family and love interests die around you is a small price to pay for our future children being as pretty and awesome as I plan them to be. Also because you make me extremely happy.

Red: *Shy Giggles*

Jefferson: *Shy giggles*

Red: It’s so nice to be home! Unlike others that we know.

Jefferson: Come on, I’ll make you all your favorite midnight snacks.

*Are the people Red was talking about*

Snow: *Sniffles and sings* S-s-someday my prince will come!

Emma: Mooom, Mulan won’t let me use the best sword!

Snow: Unless you’re bleeding or dying, I don’t want to hear it!

Emma: And she’s challenging Aurora to breath holding contests and Aurora passed out.

Snow: *Is annoyed* I swear, you all make me wish I’d had boys.

Aurora: Kill Philip’s murderers, kill Philip’s murderers….

Aurora: I’m too much of the show’s star to die!

Henry: Ew, a girl! Ew, a girl! Ew, a girl! Worst cootie ridden nightmare ever. If I close my eyes, maybe she’ll go away.

Aurora: You’re putting the fire out!

Henry: I can stop fires with my mind? SWEET! Even though that’s the exact opposite of what I was hoping for. *Is devious* Hello dream nemesis, it appears that we meet face to face.