Once Upon A Time: Abridged: 3x04 Part 1

Felix: So Bae, wanna hear how my stint as the Island Greeter is better than your stint as the Island Greeter?

Baelfire: Not really.

Felix: I get vacation days! I don’t use them. Except for that one time with the rockets and the jackals but otherwise I’ve been totally 100 percent on the job.

Baelfire: So….if I give the puppy eyes do you think Pan might hand over my kid? Not for kidnapping purposes…more like…visitation rights?

Felix: I wouldn’t hand anyone over to you for visitation rights, the shadow was just whining on his blog about how you try to take people off island by hanging onto him! I wouldn’t trust you!

Baelfire: And how do you get vacation days?!

Felix: Cause I’m taller than he is and I can beat him up, take over the island, and make fun of his ears. I just choose not to so I don’t.

Felix: Also, I’m not related to him. He just HATES that!

Felix: At least I don’t think I am. Who friggin’ knows anymore?

Baelfire: If I just break all my fingers, I can get out of this…

Baelfire: Ow! Hangnail!

Baelfire: Hey Felix, remember that last time I escaped your evil giant clubbed clutches?

Felix: You mean that time you got out of my knot and punched me in the face.

Felix: And I…pretended to be knocked out to make you feel better about your little baby punching skills? Why?

*Is punched*

Baelfire: Sexy and I know it…

Baelfire: I should probably disarm him…

Baelfire: Nah, what’s a club and a sword gonna get me?

Felix: *Sobs* My perfect cheekbones!

Baelfire: This cat is gonna get drawn so good….

Rumpelstiltskin: Hey Bae! Wanna see the knife I killed my most recent victim with?

Baelfire: Nooooo?

Baelfire: Oh…okay

Rumpelstiltskin: Eww, Baelfire, have you been getting into my puberty potions again? You know how I hate it when I have to wind your biological clock backwards to make you the age you’re supposed to be. Stop getting inexplicably older for God’s sake!

Baelfire: I’m growing up and you can’t stop me!

Rumpelstiltskin: Yes, say that to the man who actually CAN stop it.

Baelfire: I want friends!

Rumpelstiltskin: I never had friends; you don’t see me complaining, do you?

Baelfire: One day I’m going to have fan girls and friends and a hot blonde for a girlfriend and what are you going to do then?

‘

Rumpelstiltskin: Oh! Oh! Isolate you from your friends, steal all your fan girls by looking sad and seduce your girlfriend.

Rumpelstiltskin: Hypothetically.

Baelfire: How am I EVER going to get married if you keep freaking everyone out?

Rumpelstiltskin: Well, it’s not like I’m gonna get grandchildren any faster with your pouting.

Baelfire: You’re terrorizing people for kicks!

Rumpelstiltskin: *Is imitating* Der, you’re terrorizing people!

Baelfire: *Sniffles*

Rumpelstiltskin: I’ll have none of that puppy eyed mumbo jumbo, son. Go to your room! Or bed…or wherever you sleep…

Baelfire: I want my real non murdering dad back1

Rumpelstiltskin: *Is hurt that Baelfire hates his sadism* What? B-But I’m so much better…

Rumpelstiltskin: Dangit Bae! I said go to your room bed!

Baelfire: Make me!

Rumpelstiltskin: I’m going to count to three! One!

Rumpelstiltskin: Two….

Rumpelstiltskin: Two and a half…

Rumpelstiltskin: Mmm, that’s good Merry Berry war paint…

Rumpelstiltskin: *Fan girl status climbs* OH GOD, YES!

Fake Belle: What’s that on your face?

Rumpelstiltskin: The leather wasn’t doing it anymore, I needed a way to look even hotter, does it work?

Fake Belle: Just keep working those leather pants; you’ll have me no matter what.

Rumpelstiltskin: Belle, I’d cry tears of ‘my fake girlfriend understands me’ joy but I don’t want the war paint to leak.

Fake Belle: It is rather alluring…we should make out.

Rumpelstiltskin: I would but then I’d look like I was making out with air. And how stupid would that look if you’re actually Pan and you set this up for Emma to see? Or just if you’re Pan at all

Rumpelstiltskin: *Accidentally checked out the shadow’s cleavage* Oh god, this is disturbing.

Fake Belle: No! It’s fine! Let’s make out for a few hours. That certainly won’t distract you from your mission.

Rumpelstiltskin: Nope, I’m imagining punching Pan’s face.

Rumpelstiltskin: And boy, does that feel good!

Fake Belle: Silly, like you could get within five feet of him!

Rumpelstiltskin: Yes, but he’s the one that comes to me! One day, he’ll be like ‘I made you your favorite breakfast’ and I’ll be like ‘no, I like waffles’ and it’ll take him by surprise and I’ll punch him in his smug little face.

Fake Belle: Ooooo! I get tingles just thinking about it!

Rumpelstiltskin: Yes, I’m so good I give fake Belle tingles…

Rumpelstiltskin: *Just remembered again that Pan might be controlling this*

Rumpelstiltskin: *Is sobbing for mind bleach*

Emma: Is the marshmallow heated up?

Snow: Almost! It’s just not toasting the way I like it toasted!

Emma: Crap! It fell in!

Snow: If I’m super-fast I can get it.

Emma: Okay, here’s the plan, Charming and Hook will stand on the wooden thing braced on the corner over there and shout out insults to the boys. Then we run in, tackle the crap out of Felix and Pan and I’ll run in there and grab Henry and Snow will pick off people from the trees.

Emma: That is my solid plan.

Tinker Bell: Can I tackle Felix in the bushes? We have some history, he probably won't struggle.

Regina: ….

Charming: I don’t wanna flail around and insult with Hook! He might push me off!

Snow: I don’t want to hang from the trees shooting at people! I’ll be exposed and they’ll shoot me back!

Charming: I wanna tackle people!

Charming: Quick! Tink! Trade with me. I’ll tackle Felix in the bushes and make him like it

Tinker Bell: …..

Charming: What?

Hook: What ‘honeymoon hugs’ are for your lot is ‘tackling into the bushes’ for Tink.

Snow: Whoa! The only time I’ve done that, the bushes had thorns.

Tinker Bell: WHAT are you all looking at me for? The only other option I had was Hook and I’m certain that Felix is legal.

Regina: *Is jealous* Tink and Hook….

Regina: I think I can handle a kid!

Tinker Bell: With the mind games and parental issues he plays on? You’d be putty in his hands in three seconds or less!

Regina: …

Tinker Bell: Yeah. I said it!

Tinker Bell: Do you morons even have a way home?

Charming: Eh, we thought we’d wing it after we snatched the kid.

Tinker Bell: so…you guys arrived on the island intending to take Henry with no way off and an island full of traps and Lost Boys and poison weapons?

Tinker Bell: I got this from the last morons who thought so too. Also they’re dead.

Emma: *Childhood is ruined* Tinker Bell’s a body robber?

Regina: I got away with ruining a man’s life and murdering his father as a kid because no one here knows about it, hooray!

Tinker Bell: Hey, I’m not going to be dead before this whole thing starts. And since we’re all talking about it in the middle of the jungle, where anyone can see, I’m not sure this plan is set to succeed.

Tinker Bell: I’m going home. Wake me when your lot has sense.

Emma: I have perfect sense! Thank you! Just…one of the people who might know a way off this place dressed up in leather and abandoned us! I couldn’t have foreseen that!

Regina: Seriously? That was the first thing I expected him to do.

Hook: Me too! Get with it, Emma.

Hook: I mean he stole my clothes. Of all the people on the ship I wanted to wear my clothes, he was at the far bottom of the list.

Charming: …..

Hook: You weren’t in the top three either.

Hook: I might know about a cave that could help us get off the island.

Regina: And you didn’t bring this up before?

Hook: Listen, if I told you guys everything I knew, how totally useless would that be?

Hook: I’d think you guys were keeping me here for my looks then.

Emma: We are.

Hook: *Sniffles*

Rumpelstiltskin: FINALLY! I lost tagalong fake Belle!

Rumpelstiltskin: Now maybe I can get some work done.

Lost Boy 1: I can’t believe Pan made us come all the way out here.

Lost Boy 2: Like anyone’s going to show up.

Rumpelstiltskin: *Is excited* Finally! I get to do something!

Lost Boy 1: Who goes there?!

Lost Boy 2: I hope it’s the catering cart.

Rumpelstiltskin: Check out my JAZZ HAND!

*Faints*

Rumpelstiltskin: Glitter and Jazz hands…always does the trick against Pan’s minions.…

Rumpelstiltskin: Just get this dreams hade all over my hands here…hope I don’t need to eat soon. But it will be good for the open handed slap I plan to give to Pan so…

Baelfire: *Is flailing* HEY! HEY! Hey….dad…

Rumpelstiltskin: DIE VISION!

Baelfire: Is this about the time I didn’t clean my room?

Rumpelstiltskin: I forgot about that!

Baelfire: What are you wearing?! I’ll never have a peaceful night again!

Rumpelstiltskin: Check out my JAZZ HAND!

Baelfire: *Is unaffected* Well, I got one too!

Rumpelstiltskin: *Throws his boot*

Baelfire: My side! I got shot there! My shirt is really clean…

Baelfire: What do you have on your face…?

Rumpelstiltskin: It makes me look AWESOME!

Rumpelstiltskin: You’re just intimidated by it and you’re trying to make me doubt my war paint by looking like my son of all people, criticizing MY fashion choices!