3x04 Part 4

Baelfire: When we get home, I’m going to look up Archie’s number so hard.

Rumpelstiltskin: Oh, he’s my best friend; he’ll totally give you a discount.

 

Baelfire: Why do you know everyone?!

Rumpelstiltskin: Doi, landlord for 28 years.

Baelfire: He’s probably Henry’s future son at this point...

 

Rumpelstiltskin: Probably Felix too.

 

Baelfire: It can’t be Felix; he’s way too tall to be related to us.

 

Rumpelstiltskin: Well everyone else is!

 

Rumpelstiltskin: Please don’t tell Emma about that whole pesky possible son murder thing, she’ll spank me.

 

Baelfire: *Thinks that mental image is hysterical*

 

Baelfire: Well, I’m going to go find them now. Did you put a tracker on them so I can find them?

 

Rumpelstiltskin: I knew I forgot something!

 

Baelfire: How did you all even come up with a plan to get here? Did you not have any strategy at all?

 

Rumpelstiltskin: Not….really?

 

Baelfire: No wonder you’ve been aimlessly wondering around making out with air!

Rumpelstiltskin: Your stepmother is more than a skin bag of oxygen!

 

Baelfire: You ARE aware that she's not technically here, right?

 

Rumpelstiltskin: I…guess?

 

Rumpelstiltskin: But I’m going to chat with her about all my plans and feelings anyway because why friggin’ not?

Rumpelstiltskin: Other than…you know the whole Pan thing…

 

Baelfire: You know what? I’m probably just…gonna take Henry and go with the less crazy family members

Rumpelstiltskin: Initiate hand holding stalling power!

 

Baelfire: OW! OW! OW!

Rumpelstiltskin: Son, this is hurting me more than it’s hurting you.

 

Baelfire: Actually it’s not; I was just stalling for the Rumpel-B-Gone potion to work.

Baelfire: Okay so it does really hurt, so let go.

 

Rumpelstiltskin: GASP!

Rumpelstiltskin: *Is irritated* Friggin’ Baelfire, who couldn’t trust this face?

Henry: ACK!

Baelfire: Pretty much anyone that’s ever talked with you?

 

Baelfire: Unless of course their names are “Snow”, “Charming,” and “Regina” because they seem to just keep coming back for more punishment but…I don’t know. Whatever.

 

Baelfire: See ya, daddy!

 

Rumpelstiltskin: Please don’t leave me here; Felix will probably bury me up to my neck in sand!

 

Rumpelstiltskin: Or make me clap happily to Justin Bieber.

 

Rumpelstiltskin: *Is horrified* BAE! BAE! PLEASE TAKE ME WITH YOU!

 

Baelfire: No way man, with you out of the way, that’s the only chance I get to flirt with Emma!

 

Rumpelstiltskin: I don’t want to clap to Justin Bieber!

 

Snow: Have we just been staring at this throughout everything? My neck hurts!

Emma: It’s so hypnotic!

 Hook: *Is checking out Emma* I certainly can’t take my eyes off it.

 

Hook: Oh yeah, the star thing too.

 

Regina: Peasant couldn’t have drawn us a map?

 

Hook: It’s fine! Before I sold him out to psychotic lost kids who would’ve killed him for all I knew, I totally taught him how to navigate the stars. Yep, Bae’s handiwork is actually my handiwork!

Hook: Don’t pat me on the back, I couldn’t handle it!

 

Emma: Okay.

 

Hook: Well maybe a small massage wouldn’t be out of the question…

 

Hook: Maybe some cuddling and spooning…

 

Emma: …

Snow: Not sure that’s in the cards…

 

Hook: Really?! Not by anyone?!

 

Emma: I-I’m not cuddling with him…

 

Charming: I for one am thrilled about that.

 

*Is heaving*

 

Charming: Stop right there young lady, we need character moments!!

Snow: You better be heaving from Hook’s season 2 and 3 funk!

 

Emma: Trust me; the fact that he hasn’t changed clothes in 28 years has a lot to do with it

 

Emma: You can’t get pregnant from eye sex, right?

 

Snow: If that was case, Rumpelstiltskin and I would’ve had about 8 different kids.

Emma: Then I’m still in love with Baelfire, that’s the only other logical explanation!

Emma: Which means there’s a love triangle between me, his father, and him. Do you even remember the last love triangle these people tried to cover? LOST! Jack, Kate, and Sawyer! IT NEVER WENT AWAY!

 

Charming: Rumpel might start calling me dad. *Is squicked*

 

Emma: Our family is going to end up even more messed up ‘family tree’ wise! That’s going to suck, okay?

Emma: *Is sobbing*

 

Snow: My crisp white shirt and I are heartbroken.

 

Charming: Oh it’s fine. We’ll just wait for the next character moment to talk to her again.

Snow: I don’t know how to comfort Emma because I’m not sure which one I would choose if I were her.

 

Snow: I mean Neal’s a lot more stable than most people on this show mental wise but Rumpelstiltskin’s got money and he looks like Robert Carlyle!

 

Charming: B-but we’re still good, right?

 

Snow: Of course we are! As long as you’re not dying and lying to me about dying then we’re golden!

 

Charming: *Is dying*

Snow: I mean you’re not dying or lying about it, right?

 

Charming: Well, now that you mention it…

 

Snow: I didn’t think so!

 

Charming: Well, okay then…

Baelfire: Geez, this kid weighs a ton; I hate it when the portal triggers puberty

 

Baelfire: Oh crap, did I end up at the campsite I just left?!

 

Baelfire: Just plop him down…

Baelfire: Warm my hands

 

Baelfire: Emma! OMG! At least I hope…..

 

Pan: Finally finished! Of course they had to freeze me during a filling bladder and WHAT ARE YOU DOING BACK AT MY CAMPSITE?

 

Baelfire: Uh….thought I lost my contact here…

Pan: Let you have the kid for five minutes with your father and it all collapses on itself!

 

Felix: Loser.

 

Baelfire: Shut up Felix! I knocked you out in one punch

 

Henry: I don’t want to go to school, leave me alone! *Puts in headlock*

Felix: AUGH! AUGH! He’s choking me!

Pan: *Is watching*

Baelfire: Look at all the different colors that Felix is turning.

Pan: Now you know why I kidnapped him. We’re going to win the Neverland wrestling team for sure now.

Baelfire: I’ve seen your training regiment. No way am I letting my son do that.

 

Pan: You mean the son that you just lost after five minutes?

Baelfire: Yes, I mean the son that I successfully got back a few hours after being here.

Pan: that you lost five minutes later!

 

Pan: GRIN!

Pan: Whooo! I win!

 

Baelfire: Hey, so I got my kid within hours, what sort of damage do you think we’ll do if we all team up?

 

Pan: Oh crap…

Baelfire: Scared yet?

 

Pan: Pfft! No!

 

Pan: *Is lying*

 

Pan: Th-the way your group bickers amongst themselves! It’ll self-destruct in two minutes!

Felix: *GASP!* I can breathe!

Henry: *Is asleep* Next time Gadget…next time…

 

Pan: Yeah b-but what are you going to do if-if-if I cage you?

 

Baelfire: No! Not little children!

Felix: When did I pick up my club?

 

Baelfire: *Is crying*

 

Pan: Ah, making family members cry. I forget how much I missed those days.

 

Rumpelstiltskin: Guh! I hope he doesn’t tell Emma that he tricked me and froze me cause that’ll be so embarrassing…

 

Fake Belle: Baelfire should’ve automatically seen that you changed!

Rumpelstiltskin: Thanks for showing up Belle, real help you are now!

 

Fake Belle: Can I have that toy?

Rumpelstiltskin: No.

Fake Belle: I’m sure that I, as your subconscious wants it back. The wall of “Things Pan uses to torment his family’ looks naked without the first memento he used to make you cry.

 

Fake Belle: *Is chattering*

Rumpelstiltskin: *Is tuning her out like he always does*

 

Fake Belle: He even keeps his cloak, his outfit he wore that night he made off with Bae to the fire, the broken Pan flute….you remember that cake you summoned when you were a kid? He’s got that too…

 

Rumpelstiltskin: Belle, I really stopped caring as soon as you started talking.

 

Rumpelstiltskin: My kid is alive and I have something to live for now because APPARENTLY, you weren’t good enough…

*Seriously, writers*

 

Fake Belle: Ooooo, have you been working out?

 

Rumpelstiltskin: Now you notice. I was working out all throughout Storybrooke…

 

Fake Belle: Well I’m your ‘subconscious, but not really’ you silly! Of course I’ll notice all the erm…upgrades or whatever they call them in your world

 

Rumpelstiltskin: Belle, I’ve decided to contemplate killing Henry again.

 

Fake Belle: I’m so telling Pan!

 

Fake Belle: If I wasn’t a part of your mind like I totally am so don’t worry about your plans getting out…

 

Rumpelstiltskin: Ugh, is she still here?!

 

Rumpelstiltskin: Belle! Get lost! I want some alone time and I’ll take what I can get on an island full of spies!

 

Fake Belle: Fine! Watching you is boring anyway!

Henry: What is all this racket? Can’t an evil overlord get some sleep?!

 

Pan: Hi Henry! Don’t mind me watching you!

 

Henry: Did I pass out because I was bored to death?

 

Pan: Yeaaahhhh….that’s…it….

 

Henry: I’m pretty sure I heard my dad screaming in terror. But he totally kicked it, so that can’t possibly be true.

 

Pan: Yeah, your dead dad was a punk.

 

Henry: You knew him?!

 

Pan: Never met him in my life.

 

Pan: But eventually you’ll forget about him…

 

Pan: or die…one of those will happen before the other…

 

Henry: Not if you fall asleep before I do…

 

Pan: Silly boy, I never sleep.

 

Henry: I’m sure you will when a rock is slammed over your head…

 

Pan: I have a hard noggin.

 

Henry: And I have a good aim.

Pan: At least I’m not living on the hope that my parents are coming for me.

 

Pan: All loving and kissy faced.

 

Henry: At least I’m not a father with a normal name who named their kid RUMPELSTILTSKIN.

 

Pan: It was the Renesmee of our time! No one’s proud of it!

 

Pan: I mean, I have no idea who you’re talking about.

 

Pan: Now it’s time to dance. I have a feeling that with your dancing skills, we can make it to regionals this year!

 

Henry: Why not? I’m bored of sitting here looking mopey!

 

Pan: *Is accidently smacked in the face* OW! Watch it, Phil!

Pan: Well, I might as well GIVE them a tune to dance to instead of them just…shaking it to nothing.

 

Henry: JUSTIN BIEBER?! I haven’t heard him since I Lived with Regina!

 

Henry: *Is singing along*

 

Pan: AHAHAHAHA! Bring up dead daddies and all of a sudden he’s mine! Even though he knows his family loves him or…something…

*Is really belting the lyrics*

 

Felix: Hey, can I dance too?

Pan: No Felix, no one wants to reenact the campfire dance tragedy of 2 centuries ago.

 

Henry: This is life!

Kid behind Henry: I’M BATMAN!

Felix: *Is judging everyone around him so hard*

 

Pan: Aw, look at his little white boy dance moves.

Pan: I got this little Evil Overlord thing in the bag