Henry: This is an okay party I guess, nothing like what Mr. Gold would’ve thrown for me.
Pan: Oh, no way my son throws better parties than me!
*Are shaking their groove things*
Pan: Hey! Why are you sitting there all kidnapped and pouty?! My boys are ready for a conga line and since this party is for you, you’re going to lead.
Henry: Yeah, about that…what am I supposed to be doing again?
Pan: Oh, it’s fine, you’ll just give me your heart and *wipes hand over mouth as he finishes the rest*
Pan: See? Easy!
Henry: I know that trick. I used that when Regina asked me who booby trapped her room.
Pan: I like your style.
Pan: I’ll sort of miss you when you die.
Henry: When I what?
Pan: When you fry…because you know…tropical island and sunburns…
Pan: You know what? Let’s turn on the radio.
Henry: Um…I have a thing just like that but I load it with poisoned darts…
Pan: Interesting….my flute only plays Justin Bieber music to those that feel unloved and lost and you can’t hear it…
Pan: I MUST amend this!
Pan: Do you feel unloved yet?
Henry: Not really, my stepdad and grandpa will always love me because I’m just like him.
Felix: Hey! HEY! HEY!
Pan: That’s the most unsettling thing I’ve heard all day Henry, and that’s saying something when one lives with Felix and Wendy.
Pan: Hey, why are you here and where is our Baebond?
Felix: I tried to bring him here…but then uh….everyone got the jump on me…yeah; they all just attacked me at once. I was lucky to make it out alive but luckily the pirate’s still ticklish and then they all disappeared into the night.
Pan: Then why didn’t you jump them all back?
Felix: I tried super hard! You don’t know what it’s like okay? I do everything for you! I greet these losers! I carry out your threats and wishes! Rumpelstiltskin shook me violently the other day! Hook reminded me of Rufio! And now Bae punched me hard in the face! I’m lucky to be alive!
Felix: A simple ‘Thank you for your efforts’ every now and then would be nice!
Pan: I have NO idea what you just said.
Emma: Piece of sh- *Blushes* Oh my, Neal had a potty mouth at a young age…
Hook: Emma, you’ve been staring at that drawing for the past three hours.
Emma: *Is trying to position herself* I’m just trying to figure it out! It’s fine!
Hook: Yeah, Baelfire was quite the artist. His mother was an artist; you should have seen all the things she used to draw with me in them.
Emma: So you knew his mom?
Hook: Oh…the relationship I may or may not have had with your baby daddy’s mother is of little importance! I’m over her as of three days ago!
Regina: Ugh, that figures. Instead of cleaning his room, Baelfire just shoved everything under the bed. Typical. Just typical
Emma: Hey, pass me Bae’s coconut cup over there, I want to add it to my Sentimental Collection.
Hook: Look at that picture of that n00b getting beat up by lost boys…wait, is that me?!
Emma: What WAS your relationship with Baelfire?
Hook: Oh, we were total friends.
Emma: I’m sensing you’re not telling me the whole truth…
Hook: No Emma! I don’t know what little world you live in but we were total bros.
Emma: Then why did he hiss every time your name got brought up?
Charming: Oh look, it has a cute little lid!
Snow: My, Baelfire was certainly a creative little home decorator!
Emma: What’s up with the little holes on the lid?
Regina: Maybe it’s a candle and a salt shaker
Snow: REALLY Regina?!
Charming: Dear God….
Emma: Ooooo, look at the nightlight!
Snow: Stars! In your multitudes! Scarce to be counted! Filling the darkness…With order and liiiiggghhhhtttt!
Hook: Hmph! He wasn’t so great…The little dipper is way WAY off!
Henry: Ugh, I’m so bored. Call me when the human sacrifices start coming up.
Pan: Is that…fart gas?!
Pan: Oh great, they’re all dead. How friggin’ annoying…
Pan: Who is going to fix my Breakfast Mindgame meal now?
Rumpelstiltskin: Hey dad, you’ve gained weight since I last saw you.
Pan: You got…something on your face there. I’m not sure what you were going for but it’s not working.
Rumpelstiltskin: Says the middle aged man wearing little boy tights.
Baelfire: *Stumbles over lost boy* Dangit Felix, Move!
Pan: You have zero chances of making this trip a family event, okay? So don’t think you’ll be able to get family photos done because I’m going to destroy this outing faster than you can say “Rumpelstiltskin is somehow related to all of us’
Baelfire: Right in his smug little face, that’s the target….
Pan: Baelfire, who invited you?!
Rumpelstiltskin: Son, if you miss this, don’t even THINK about coming home.
Baelfire: I’m aiming for the ego, but I’m worried yours will get in the way…
Pan: I didn’t miss the snark; I’m going to be honest.
Pan: *Is offended* HEY! You nearly shot me, you turd!
Rumpelstiltskin: Yep, good luck getting home on your own Bae.
Baelfire: Wait for it….wait for it…
Pan: Well add that to my ‘nearly got shot with an arrow’ collection.
Baelfire: Yes but how many of them were covered in Anti-Pan gel?
Pan: Oh very clever, grandson…did George Bubbles have to die for that?
Baelfire: Oh geez, this kid weighs a ton, a little help?
Rumpelstiltskin: Son, I only brought you for the menial labor.
Pan: Don’t you know? All you are related to me!
Baelfire: And by…grandson he’s…mom’s dad, right?
Rumpelstiltskin: Why can’t we just try to smash him in the skull with a rock now that’s immobile?
Pan: Ooooo, you didn’t give Baelfire a sit down for our over convoluted family tree?!
Baelfire: *Is annoyed* Let’s go, Henry’s butt is right next to my face and he’s worn these jeans for days
Rumpelstiltskin: Maybe set him on fire or something….
Baelfire: We could make him slap himself a bunch.
Rumpelstiltskin: Sounds like a plan to me!
Pan: You wouldn’t….
Rumpelstiltskin: We take ten turns each!
Baelfire: I can’t believe you made me carry him across the other side of the island! You can teleport!
Rumpelstiltskin: I was too emotionally distressed!
Rumpelstiltskin: I really think she should hug it out!
Baelfire: What did Pan mean about how we were all related to him?
Rumpelstiltskin: Not telling!
Baelfire: Fine! Have it your way!
Baelfire: Henry! Get your lazy backside up! You got chores!
Rumpelstiltskin: I hit him with a sleep spell of plot convenience, he won’t wake up until it’s convenient for him to learn or miss something!
Baelfire: Geez, dad, THANKS
Baelfire: Why didn’t you tell me that Pan was my granddad!?
Rumpelstiltskin: Because I seem to remember getting told that he got killed by people he owed a debt to! Him sort of being my dad just came out of nowhere for me!
Baelfire: Whhhaaaat?! How come he was never there at our family reunions?
Rumpelstiltskin: Because everyone hated how he used to steal all the pie and then disappear with the younger boys!
*Is trying to go over his son’s family tree in his mind*
Rumpelstiltskin: Don’t son, you'll hurt yourself...
Baelfire: Snow is his grandma and adopted sister and Emma is his mom and niece!
Baelfire: And if you and Emma married…I’d have been his dad AND his brother!
Rumpelstiltskin: Well son, it’s all white trash sounding when you put it like that!
Rumpelstiltskin: Granted, we’re dysfunction junction but at least TLC hasn’t called us for a show yet!
Baelfire: I miss my life with the Darling family so much
Rumpelstiltskin: And if Pan mentions me wanting to kill your son…I have no idea what he’s talking about.
Baelfire: Kill my kid?!
Rumpelstiltskin: It was like three days ago, Baelfire. I’m totally over it now!
Rumpelstiltskin: My change is totally legit!
Baelfire: So I gotta sleep sometime, and now I gotta be worrying about you putting a pillow over Henry’s face now on top of everything else?
Rumpelstiltskin: *IS bouncing up and down* But I changed!
Baelfire: Is that what you’re going to be telling me when you suddenly get bored and find out that Henry looks murderable?
Rumpelstiltskin: But you’re watching me now, so I super can’t!
Baelfire: Yeah, I was sort of watching you as I slid down the vortex too…just saying….
Rumpelstiltskin: Look, can’t we put off this whole murder intent thing until we get back from Neverland?
Baelfire: So you can murder him WHILE we’re in Neverland? I THINK NOT!
Rumpelstiltskin: The son that I’ve given no reason to trust me over doesn’t trust me!
Rumpelstiltskin: I’m not sure our version of the cops is going to be thrilled if my kid suddenly disappears, Pan. I don’t want True Crime TV documentaries made about me!
Pan: I predict that you will wear clothes similar to mine!
Rumpelstiltskin: I will not! I have taste
Pan: Leather pants and a vest? Girls dig it!
Rumpelstiltskin: *Screeching brakes* They do?
Pan: Picking up women is a priceless value for the price of the Baelfire Soul Mobile!
Rumpelstiltskin: Oh dear God, Bae stop dancing like that you’re embarrassing both of us!
Rumpelstiltskin: You didn’t call! You didn’t write! You didn’t text! Do you know that I’ve been covering 40 towns in posters with your face? BOY, are you easy to lose!
Baelfire: Yeah, I guess? Why are you here? Pan said no parents were allowed.
Rumpelstiltskin: Well I guess that makes him a trampy liar then.
Pan: I’m honest when I want to be!
Baelfire: Oh god, dad, you can’t be here! Everyone’s going to see! *Is really embarrassed*
Baelfire: And you’re wearing your night clothes and slippers! No one will let me hear the end of it!
Rumpelstiltskin: Oh shut up, Bae.
Baelfire: Daaaaad! You never let me party down!
Rumpelstiltskin: I had no idea where you were, Bae! Like…for days!
Baelfire: Pan is my friend! I’ve known him for two days and he’s like my age so it’s fine!
Rumpelstiltskin: Oh boy, I really have no idea how I’m going to explain this.
Rumpelstiltskin: I COULD tell the truth because if anything, that’d be a surefire way to make sure that Baelfire never talks to Pan again or insists we go down any crazy vortexes that might suddenly come up in our lives….
Rumpelstiltskin: We knew each other when we were younger…
Rumpelstiltskin: Dangit. That wasn’t what I wanted to say…
Baelfire: You’re not going to tell me anything that could help me make smarter decisions, are you?
Rumpelstiltskin: Now if I did that, then that would destroy an already established continuity!
Baelfire: You know, a lot of this would’ve been easier if you were just honest now!
Rumpelstiltskin: Son…honesty? A-are you speaking another language?
Baelfire: I’m never going to be able to do cool things like sneak out for days, make best buds with secret grandparents, or marry blondes with you as my dad!
Rumpelstiltskin: Crap…I hope I don’t lose track of him AGAIN.