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Tuesday, January 7, 2014

3x04 Part 2

Rumpelstiltskin: BAEEEEE! Hey BAE!

Rumpelstiltskin: So, I met this queen today right, and we hit it off super well…way better than well in fact…

Rumpelstiltskin: Say hi to ‘King Rumpel!”

Rumpelstiltskin: ?

Rumpelstiltskin: ?

Rumpelstiltskin:  I lock him in the house, I expect him to STAY IN IT!

Mayor: Okay, okay, so we lost a few of your little kids somewhere, I’m sure they’ll turn up eventually.

Rumpelstiltskin: Yeah, just set out some food, they’ll come scampering back.

Rumpelstiltskin: Except mine won’t, because he has no sense of direction!

Mayor: What?! You lost your kid too? We thought YOU had them!

Rumpelstiltskin: I thought YOU had them!

Rumpelstiltskin: I followed Baelfire’s cheap cologne here.
Old Man with Pitchfork: Stay still Dark One; I’m gonna shish kabob you…

Mayor: Hey look, all we know is that some dude came in and was luring them out with music and now they’re gone. Don’t ask why they haven’t come back or anything or why we haven’t traced them. Most are in pajamas and barefoot, how far could they get?

Rumpelstiltskin: I bet I could find them in five minutes!

Mayor: Job is yours! Thanks for volunteering! Frankly someone with hypnotic pipes isn’t something I really want to deal with on my term.

Mayor: Oh, but just so you know, just the other day a flyer for the “The Pied Piper Concert for Adolescent Boys: No, it’s Not What you Think” Concert was sent to our town but we have no clue what that is or how it even fits with anything.

Rumpelstiltskin: Well that Piper just sang his last note!

Rumpelstiltskin: …..

Mayor: …..

Rumpelstiltskin: …..

Rumpelstiltskin: Can someone get me a pair of sunglasses and the CSI Miami theme song, please?!

Rumpelstiltskin: So you found my secret magic stash, beat up the shadow, beat up Felix, flirted with Mulan and now you’re here to outwit Pan?

Baelfire: Pretty much! Why? What have you been doing?

Baelfire: *Is doing stretches* I thought you’d have found Henry by now!

Baelfire: *Rips a tree out of the ground with his bare hands*

Baelfire: So seriously, what have you been doing?

Baelfire: Emma hasn’t…seen you like that, has she?

Rumpelstiltskin: Not with the war makeup.

Baelfire: Good! There’s still hope!

Rumpelstiltskin: But we were eye sexing up a storm on the ship…

Baelfire: And you abandoned her on the ship with the pirate after that?

Baelfire: Did you kill these two? Cause they always stole my melon at lunchtime….so I wouldn’t have minded…

Rumpelstiltskin: Oh, NOW you tell me!

Rumpelstiltskin: Oh, but to answer your question I have been busy. Yeah, making out with my fake girlfriend that I HOPE is of my imagination and…and…not having any more eyesex with Emma.

Baelfire: ….

Baelfire: Okay, let me explain this…

Baelfire: This is my episode to shine, okay? And so if you just hang out with me with you’re so going to look useful, deal?”

Rumpelstiltskin: *Is proud* That’s my boy!

Baelfire: Also if Emma tells you to back off, then you should back off.

Rumpelstiltskin: *Is irritated* FINE!

Rumpelstiltskin: Keep fighting for your woman. You’re the only one I’ll support near Emma that’s not me.

Baelfire: Um….thanks man!

*Is awkward*

Rumpelstiltskin: Well you know what this father son bonding trip is missing? Fishing!

Baelfire: Dad, you’re lucky that this does take me by the way of my goal and I’m also hungry.
Rumpelstiltskin: Slow down Baelfire, my little legs can’t keep up.

Baelfire: Ahhhh this lagoon. I used to sunbathe with the mermaids.

Baelfire: They really liked my floofy hair; they thought I was Frodo Baggins.

Baelfire: Okay dad…now be sure to watch me blow on this convenient shell for something cool!

Rumpelstiltskin: GROSS BAE! You don’t know where that’s been!

Baelfire: Meet George Bubbles!

George Bubbles: Oh my god! Is that a friend! Someone to be nice to? I hope they like me!
*Credit to whomever giffed that on Tumblr*

Baelfire: Mmm, I haven’t had Squid in A while.
Rumpelstiltskin: Why is that squid making a heart with its tentacles?

Rumpelstiltskin: Baelfire…n-no Baelfire, your aim’s off….just a little to the- NO BAE! LEFT!
Baelfire: Don’t tell me how to harpoon my dinner!

George Bubbles: *Is stabbed* OH MY NEPTUNE! What did I do to deserve that!?

Rumpelstiltskin: Oh god, this rope is cutting through my hands!
George Bubbles: I no longer have a reason to live!
Baelfire: Now THAT is a spear.

Rumpelstiltskin: WE DID IT! *Pounds his fists against Baelfire in excitement*
Baelfire: Hey! HEY DAD! Easy!

Rumpelstiltskin: This is the proudest day of my life! My son beat up a squid!

Rumpelstiltskin: Some poor sweet innocent squid and you beat him up, son! That’s my boy! Taking after me…

Baelfire: Hey now, let’s not get ahead of ourselves…

Rumpelstiltskin: Now I get what Emma sees in you.

Baelfire: Emma never got to see me Squid Wrestling!

Baelfire: I shot at a trashcan with a crossbow once…scared some rats…that impressed her…


Baelfire: Do you think she heard me?

Rumpelstiltskin: That’s exactly how I impressed Belle that one time... But also with other things too…hang with me, you’ll get there…

Regina: Oh look, Baelfire put up a little hobbit door and a welcome mat! How cute!
Hook: *Is jealous* Nothing about him is cute!

Regina: How are we supposed to all fit in that thing?

Hook: I just realized how utterly obvious this hiding place was. Now I feel really stupid for feeling accomplished at having found it.

Emma: Well, time for me to put these biceps to use.
Charming: NO! Opening cave doors was on my plans of things to do before I die!

Charming: My poison is getting worse! Yesterday Snow caught me carving a novel into a tree! I had to tell her I found it like that!

Hook: Your death is almost upon you!

Charming: Oh good! Hurry! Hurry! Get in there!
Snow: That’s the dinner bell, honey. Hook just opened the door…

Regina: I hope there’s indoor plumbing in here!
Hook: *Is checking out*

Hook: Hey! Stop trying to stop me from looking good in front of your daughter!

Charming: For heaven’s sake, Hook. You have one hand! How far did you really expect to get pulling that rope!

Hook: It’s not hard, I have toes too!

Charming: I’ll have none of that filth near my daughter!

Hook: *Is offended*

Hook: Pulling ropes with feet is a beautiful natural act and you can’t stop me!

Charming: Oh pirate, we’ll see about that. We’ll see…

Hook: *Is worried*

Emma: Wow, Baelfire drew some filthy things all over these walls.

Emma: *Likes it*

Hook: *Is making measurements* If I put a portrait of myself up, I wonder if Bae would notice…

Hook: Why are you carrying a lighter?
Charming: As many times as we end up in a more primitive world than the one we just came from? Why is that even a question?

Emma: Whoa! Baelfire drew some REALLY filthy things!

Snow: Look away, Emma! This isn’t for eyes as young as yours!
Emma: How does the body contort like that?!

Snow: *Looks too* Oh, well Charming’s does easily.

Hook: He DOES?! I tried that position once and I still haven’t been able to jog right.
Emma: I can’t take my eyes off it!

Hook: *Is jealous* Well….he wasn’t…Picasso or anything…

Emma: No….

Emma: He was better!

Rumpelstiltskin: Can’t believe this view!
Rumpelstiltskin: I think I see the Fiddler a few roofs away…

Rumpelstiltskin: Hm…should have probably thought to bring something to do, I’m already bored…

Rumpelstiltskin: Oh god, who is playing that awful racket?! Turn it down!

*Are being sneaky*

Rumpelstiltskin: Why doesn’t this town have a guard up? Well, I guess I should follow-

Rumpelstiltskin: Zzzzz

Rumpelstiltskin: Is that….a Justin Bieber song?!

Rumpelstiltskin: I’m going to smash that radio!

Rumpelstiltskin: *Is horrified* Dear whatever it is that we worship…

Rumpelstiltskin: *Is terrified* Are those their dance moves?

Rumpelstiltskin: Nope, not Bae, he knows green isn’t his color *throws kid over his shoulder*

Rumpelstiltskin: Nope, not Bae, he would never wear a mask that resembled a bird after that one time that pack of emus chased him all around the village.

Rumpelstiltskin: Eh….is there an easy way to go about this?

Lost Boy: Dance with me! Dance with me!
Rumpelstiltskin: Get lost! You’re not a hot blonde woman in tight pants!

Rumpelstiltskin: *Flicks mask off* Nope, not Bae.

*Is playing whatever noise it is that Justin Bieber sings.*

Rumpelstiltskin: Someone has GOT to stop this nonsense!

Pan: Heeeeeey! That was my 20th anniversary present from the island!

Rumpelstiltskin: What Island? Gilligan? Is that you?

Pan: If you smudged my eyeliner, I swear!

Rumpelstiltskin: Daddy?

Pan: Hey son! Been awhile…possibly.

Pan: Don’t remember inviting you….sorry only kids 18 and under…

Rumpelstiltskin: Uhhh…..

Pan: It’s not like that! I just like hanging out with little kids!

Rumpelstiltskin: Uhh…..

Pan: Stop it! Okay? Just because I’m a middle aged man that likes luring little children to his island and never letting them go after promising things that I probably don’t deliver on, GOSH!

Rumpelstiltskin: Was ‘Neverland’ a mistranslation from ‘big white van?’ cause this is really problematic now that we know your identity…

Pan: Hey, it’s not bad, alright? I just like looking at them and having their company so much that I’ll name them ‘Lost Boys’ and never let them leave.

Rumpelstiltskin: I’m not sure I’m okay with my kid being a part of this.

Pan: Neverland is awesome! Everyone will love it.

Pan: Since I’m picking up boys that feel depressed and unloved.

Pan: Hey! Sort of like you that one time I brutally abandoned you, right? God, the look on your face. That must’ve been a horrible birthday…

Rumpelstiltskin: I’ve gotten over that.

Pan: *Is waiting*

Rumpelstiltskin: *Sniffles*

Pan: Yeeeeeesssssssss!

Pan: This is amazing! I’m gonna have so many friends and I might make my grandson join me too!

Rumpelstiltskin: Buuuuut, if you abandoned me because I reminded you that you were a middle aged man and you couldn’t keep your youth, then how is you having a your grandkid there supposed to work? Because how you’ll remember that your son’s now old enough to get laid!

Pan: *Is trying to figure it out*

Pan: …..

Rumpelstiltskin: You’re just playing head games with me!

Pan: This is such your face right now!

Pan: Don’t mess with my plans, okay?!

Rumpelstiltskin: Fine by me. So do I get my kid or don’t I?

Pan: Oh god, I don’t want to be reminded that I’m old and have a completely different accent, but I don’t want my son to have a shred of happiness either…

Pan: Hey so if you find your kid and he decides to go with me and not you, you’ll have to let him go and stand there…

Pan: With this look on your face!

Pan: Or this one

Rumpelstiltskin: Except I KNOW what sort of a figure you are, so why on earth would I even make that deal?

Pan: Grin!

Rumpelstiltskin: *Is freaked out* Weirdo.


  1. This abridged is awesome so far. I love all the pied piper jokes.

  2. Wasn't Rumple fine with Archie and Emma too?

  3. Hook: Pulling ropes with feet is a beautiful natural act and you can't stop me!
    OMG! LOL!

    Love the CSI: Miami joke. And the cave kama sutra drawings. And pedophile Pan. I never really thought about the grandson motivation contradiction, but you are so right; how does Pan stay young if he has Bae there to remind him of Rumple?

    The Emma/Rumple crack ship (and Evil!Genius Henry) is starting to get a bit stale, though, IMO. It was great a season ago, but now, meh. Still, your satire skillz rock.

  4. This is wonderful, and adresses a lot of concerns so far.