Once Upon A Time: Abridged: Part 3

Emma: I can’t believe I saw a guy with an anaconda…New York is so weird…

Hook: This place has a REALLY nice view…oh hey Emma; I’ve been waiting for you….

Emma: I’m so confused right now.

Hook: I could clear that up with another forced kiss!

Emma: How do you explain everything that was in there!?

Hook: How should I know? I haven’t been in that apartment!

Emma: Yeah right

Hook: No seriously, no one would let me though the entrance gate…

Hook: Might’ve been because I screamed things like “Let me in or feast on my hook” and “Let me in, the fate of my love depends on it.

Emma: There’s a camera with my son’s middle name on it!

Hook: So? A lot of people like cameras and have the name “Henry” on them!

Hook: Wait, scratch that, I forgot that I’m trying to get you to believe

Emma: you have NO idea what you’re doing….

Hook: Usually not, no…

Hook: That’s what I’m trying to tell you! Your son was up there!

Emma: WHAT?!

Hook: And so were you…right before I stabbed Rumpelstiltskin with a poisoned hook…

Emma: What?!

Hook: Drink this! It’ll make you like me!

Emma: NO!

Hook: Oh…*Is out of ideas, because he genuinely believed that would work*

Hook: Hold on, I’m trying to think of something….how about another kiss?

Hook: I won’t spring it on you all willy nilly like last time…

Emma: Nope! *Handcuffs*

Hook: Emma! Here? In broad daylight?

Emma: Take him away

Hook: Noooooo! The King’s men have finally caught up with me!

Hook: I can’t believe this! My method of forced kissing usually works!

Emma: See ya!

Hook: They’re going to take my true love potion to the lab!

Cop: Sure…’true love’ buddy…

Baelfire: ‘Give up on them’, they said…did they suddenly forget who they were?

Belle: They forget about a lot of things, usually they forget about me all the bloody time…

Baelfire: Belle, where did you get to change your outfit? And why did you come here in your golden gown when that wasn’t what you were most likely wearing when you were taken? Why did some people come here in clothes they left in and others didn’t come in those at all?

Baelfire: I’m so confused that my mind is drifting to even small complaints…

Belle: You know….I didn’t see a body…so maybe Rumple’s alive!

Belle: Or maybe he just disintegrated and Regina breathed in his ashes when she went over there to pick up the dark curse…either way, I’m pleased by developments…

Belle: We could always zip off and go find answers….

Baelfire: Sure, but after we get to the castle and get something to eat, I’m starving…

Belle: Your father used to have a healthy appetite too….for a lot of things

Baelfire: I don’t want to know that!

Belle: He liked lamb chops and steak! Geez Baelfire, such a dirty thinker!

Baelfire: I think you did that on purpose…

Belle: So what if I did?

Charming: When we get to the castle, can we just shove anything of Regina’s into her room and move our own things in?

Snow: Wait, you want to shove a whole castle worth of stuff into one room?

Charming: Not one room! Just the basement

Snow: We’re not putting her in the basement Charming!

Charming: *Pouts* Well, we’re not giving her the best of everything!

Snow: Why not?! She deserves it since she was good once!

Grumpy: Hey, so we didn’t hear any whining for ten minutes about hurting feet and realized Regina wasn’t with us

Snow: She’s trying to beat us all there! I knew it!

Regina: Eww, dirt, it’s all under my nails!

Snow: What are you doing?!

Regina: Nothing! Just doing rash things in self-pity again!

Snow: Is that your heart you’re burying?!

Regina: No, it’s my newest victims! I’m starting up a collection again!

Snow: You are aware that a thousand things could happen with that, right? Like insects could get ahold of it, someone could step on it, a wild animal could dig it up…erosion could wear it away…do you even know where this would be if you needed it again?

Regina: I’ve been separated from Henry for three hours! This is insufferable!

Snow: I got separated from my kid for 28 years and you got to sit there making comments on what bad neglectful parents we were so I don’t think you get to whine….

Regina: There! Now no one will find it!

Snow: You’re a pain with your heart. What do you think is going to happen to all of us if you don’t have that one sliver of morality you apparently have left?

Snow: This is a really bad idea Regina. How many times are you going to make a habit of destroying who you are over loss?

Regina: I don’t want your logic! Go away!

Snow: Hey guess what? We’re all suffering! I just lost my daughter and grandson AGAIN. You don’t see me feeling sorry for myself over it!

Regina: Self-pity is the only mode I have!

Snow: You have to get over it and get some help for your codependency issues. I mean seriously…

Snow: I mean, you did a great thing in giving them all good memories but you’re totally getting off on the wrong foot if you’re burying your emotions instead of facing them like you expected everyone else that you separated kids from to do…

Snow: Now pick up that heart and stick it in your chest!

Regina: Idiot Snow doesn’t even realize there’s NO difference with my heart in or out….

Snow: Don’t you want to be a family with me?!

Regina: How many times do I have to nearly kill you before you realize that ‘no, I don’t’

Snow: STEPMOM!

Regina: I keep getting ignored!

Regina: Don’t look, it’s not pretty…

Snow: *looks*

Regina: AUGH! I never realized how much it hurts taking out and putting in!

Regina: I’m going to go terrorize some dwarves with fireballs to make myself feel better.

Snow: That’s the Regina I know…

*Is watching*

Snow: Huh. The first breeze in hours….

Regina: I didn’t feel anything….

Snow: Felt like…wings….

Regina: Ooo dinner!

Snow: Regina, let’s not go destroy the wildlife on our first-

Regina: Here birdy, birdy, birdy, I got a nice fireball for ya!

Snow: There went that…

Regina: I don’t see anything!

Snow: Oh hey look, something that mutated from the curse!

Regina: What? We’re not that sort of show…yet…

Snow: Protect me!

Regina: Don’t look at me! I don’t know what to do!

Regina: Fireball it, I guess…

Snow: No, Regina! You’ll start a forest fire!

*Misses*

Regina: *Is pissed and starts climbing the tree* I’m going up there to kill it with my bare hands!

Snow: No Regina! You hate heights!

*Plops*

Regina: Is that a flying monkey?

Snow: Awww, Can I keep it?

Robin: Hey guys, what’s up?

Regina: Excuse you; I had it all under control. Snow here was going to be bait.

Robin: Still waiting for you to accept me…

Snow: I’ll accept you! I’ll accept you real good! *stands up*

Robin: Snow White? Is that you? Our wanted posters were side by side together!

Snow: Oh? I don’t…know you….

*Theories that Robin taught Snow how to live in the woods instantly deflate*

Robin: IT’s me! Robin Hood!

Snow: Oh…no you’re not…

Little John: He had to get plastic surgery after Rumpelstiltskin caught him stealing.

Regina: How dare you speak without permission from me!

Robin: Oh hey, you’re the queen that everyone thinks is a super crazy mass murder…well I don’t believe it…for some reason…

Snow: Look Regina! Someone else that panders!

Regina: Hey, this might work out!

Regina: Just call me ‘Queen’

Snow: You’re not a queen anymore….

Regina: Shut up!

Emma: Mom! I’m twelve years old; I think I can make it to the school bus down the street by myself!

Rudo: You need someone to walk you everywhere, there’s danger in all the places!

Rudo: Yay! Candy!

Emma: That’s right; enjoy your sugar high…

Rudo: So, how was your day?

Emma: Not eventful….but if a man in a pirate outfit and a hook starts following you around…maybe you should call the police…

Henry: There are a lot of people dressed like pirates that have hooks for hands; you’ll have to be more specific.

Emma: He was….sort of good looking….

Rudo: This tells me nothing, still…

Emma: New York is weird….

Rudo: Why did we move here?

Emma: I don’t know! I’m still trying to figure out how we ended up in Maine a year ago. I guess I just tried to go to Boston and forgot where I was going and kept driving!

Rudo: So am I going to have to make plans to give the two of you privacy or what?

Emma: I still haven’t decided yet…

Emma: Hey would you like to push in the code to get us inside?

Rudo: Really?! Me?!

*Types it in*

Rudo: SQUEE!

Emma: Easily amused that one…

Emma: People still have normal cameras and not phone cameras. Huh. Weird.

Emma: *Gasp!* The horror!

Hook: I can’t believe they fingerprinted my hook, what chodes…

Hook: Freedom! Is that you I’m in love with?

Hook: Oh, it’s only Emma…..

Hook: I’m not forgiving you for a long time, Emma! That place doesn’t have my beloved jello!

Emma: You’re a pirate! You lived on hard tack and rum, you should be fine!

Emma: There’s something mighty suspicious going on, I don’t remember these photos

Hook: Oh, photos were up there?

Emma: YES! Are you with Neal?

Emma: *twitches* And you better give me an honest answer because I know liars! Sometimes!

Hook: You have to believe me! I’m super legit! I totally love you and if you drink this random liquid they somehow let me keep even though I technically assaulted you, then your mind will clear and you’ll love me back!

Emma: NO! You want to know how creepy you’re being?

Hook: DRINK IT!

Emma: Hmph! Well…I’m in front of the police station...so…no better place for it, I gues…..

Emma: Does it taste like chicken?

Hook: I don’t know! I only was able to scrounge enough ingredients for one! No wait, it came on a bird! No wait…I don’t know, I tell you both stories….

*Is not comforted*

Emma: Fine whatever…if it was supposed to be as if the Storybrooke characters were never here, then that would mean Rumple never needed me to find Baelfire and so why does that camera exist? I just…*Sigh*

Emma: Ugh it tastes like wintermint! I HATE wintermint!

Emma: *Remembers* Whoa!

Hook: Hey, what’s up?

Emma: You forced a kiss from me!

Hook: Oh crap, you remember that?!

Belle: Bae! Bae! Don’t talk to that stranger! Bae!

Baelfire: DUDE!

Robin: Hey man! You’re looking good…I mean…really really attractive in all that….

Belle: Pardon me; he just lost his other family!

Robin: BELLE!

Belle: Squee! I don’t know who this is…l

Robin: You saved me from Rumple’s torture!

Belle: No man, I saved someone else. For one thing he was taller…and way more scruffy…

Baelfire: Are you hugging my stepmom without knowing her?

Robin: No! We know each other!

Belle: *Sticks tongue out*

Baelfire: don’t make me send you to the back of the line!

Robin: Don’t make me go to the back of the line man, DWARVES are back there!

Regina: Is that the sound of people having a good time?

Regina; Happiness…I hate it…

Snow: *Rolls eyes* I’m mad at you, I didn’t get a flying monkey for a pet.

Regina: Don’t blame me.

Snow: And here I thought they naturally revolved around you.

Regina: ……

Regina: I thought they revolved around the wicked witch….

Snow: *Giggles*

Regina: Wait a minute, what are you trying to say?

Regina: Huh. Security has upgraded…

Regina: Good thing they’re not related to me. Baelfire broke a blood magic cabinet just by swinging a cane around. I can’t imagine why this would be different!