115 - The Queen is Dead Part 4

 

Snow: So…is this the same day?

Johanna: I’m assuming so, let’s just go with it.

 

Johanna: *Hums the happy birthday theme*

 

Snow: Huh. I thought it’d be bigger.

 

Snow: The best thing about this? I can watch the gladiators fight to the death and no one will ever know.

Johanna: It’s nice that you always look to the positives in life.

 

Snow: Wanna watch men in small loincloths and bit sweaty muscles with me?

Johanna: I NEVER….thought you’d ask

 

Snow: Mmhmm, look out realm!

 

*More people showed up for the funeral than they did her dad’s birthday party*

 

Snow: I wish I knew at least one of these people.

Guy on her Right: Oh no, ‘Guy on her Left’ is nearly wearing the same greens as me! I’m mortified!

 

Snow: Oh…no one cracked the safe to her wardrobe yet?

 

Snow: Mom…you should’ve packed more dresses, I’m just saying.

 

Snow: You little troublemaker!

 

Snow: Now just make my dad chase after some younger woman and I’ll be free to rule while he’s off trying to sow his wild oats.

 

Snow: Oh, I have power and it is feelin’ GOOD.

 

Snow: *Plops down to watch the rigor mortis set in*

Guy on her Left: What do we do?

Guy on her Right: I…I guess we bow too?

Guy on her Left: For how long?

 

Snow: Zzzzzz

 

Johanna: Uh…I hate to break it to you but everyone like…got bored and snuck out hours ago.

 

Johanna: I was going to as well but then I remembered that you know my address and you’d come for me.

 

Johanna: Now come on, let’s go gorge on that birthday cake and ice cream to cure our depression like REAL women.

 

Snow: See ya mom! Too bad you couldn’t stay not dead!

 

*Everyone that thinks the Blue Fairy is evil cheers*

 

*Everyone that thinks the Blue Fairy is evil throws their remote/mouse at the TV/Computer*

 

Cora: I can’t believe that moth asked me out!

 

Cora: *Is getting a big spitball ready*

 

Cora: Boy, I hope we have a better revenge reason than what was already revealed because everyone that thought Regina’s pitiful reason for hating Snow couldn’t be topped was wrong.

 

 *Isn’t a very good conversationalist.*

 

Cora: Cheapskates. Could only afford one?

 

Cora: At least when I die, my daughter’s going to make sure it’s by the hand of a sexy man and I get a stone coffin with a cloak out of the deal. I only know this because I read it in her diary.

 

Cora: And I’ll get a rose that’ll hold up after 28 years Not some tacky flower that looks like it didn’t take its depression pills today.

 

Cora: But I still got some work to do, Regina still sends me Mother’s Day Cards and says she loves me…why can’t my daughter be more like yours?

 

Cora: So I had to kill you so that your daughter may find a way to corrupt mine. She could teach her a few things you know. Wait…are you breathing?

 

Cora: *Sniffs*

 

Cora: You ARE!

 

Regina: Hey, this kind of reminds me of Graham’s heart.

Fanbase: GRAHAM!

 

Charming: Okay Snow, on the count of three, you throw that at Cora’s face and I’ll slap the heart out of Regina’s hand and HOPEFULLY, it won’t go through the window.

 

Charming: I probably shouldn’t have said that out loud.

 

Cora: Just give over the dagger. I don’t know why we can’t just take it other than the fact it means we can troll you emotionally and make your heart black or some other extremely pretentious plan that makes no sense

 

Snow: Hey! You’re perfume smells familiar!

 

Cora: It should. It’s called “Snow’s Dead Mother/Mother Figure”

 

Snow: That smells like the perfume the blue fairy wore when she told me to kill someone to save my mom!

Charming: They’re in it together!

 

Cora: Really, Prince Dorkface?

 

Snow: Hey! Don’t talk about my husband like that! His face is extremely sexy in my mind!

 

Cora: Please! I heard about your dalliance with Dr. Whale. Your taste in men is lacking

 

Johanna: That sexy doctor? You dated him too?

 

Johanna: *Feels are hurt*

Cora: And then there was Rumpelstiltskin…well…what woman here ISN”T attracted to that hunk of sheer alpha male? Regina, that man was almost your father!

Regina: I think I’ll be better off not imagining that or admitting I ever found him attractive…

 

Regina: which I didn’t

 

Cora: And here I had such high hopes that you would turn out to be evil incarnate and teach REGINA a few things!

 

Regina: Mommy says WHAT?!

 

Snow: I’m struggling to hold my Mary back but you are about to see a side of her that not even I could handle!

 

Cora: Bring it!

 

Snow: Oh, I will. Get used to getting thrown through walls because you’ll be meeting quite a few in this town-

 

Snow: Oh crap, I dropped it! Do over! Do over!

 

Cora: There are no do overs!

 

Regina: Eh, have your heart back. Me restoring it after ripping it out and squeezing it until the threat of death means that I’m a hero!

Cora: Hey guys, what time is it? Time to get a new clock!

 

Charming: OH MY GOD, YOU BROKE MRS. POTTS!

Regina: Seeing as how my mother did the same to me when it came to Daniel, I imagine I COULD”VE found a way to stop this but…nah, if it doesn’t benefit me, then why should I bother?

 

Regina: And on top of everything else…we ate your cake too!

 

Snow: NOOO!

 

Snow: If I Mary’d out, none of this would’ve ever happened!

Rumpelstiltskin:  Oh gross, who put Johanna’s body in front of the library as a welcome mat?

 

Regina: Oh my office

Cora: The décor could use a little more blood spatter

Regina: At least someone cleaned out the apple bowl…

 

Regina: Wait mommy…that’s my desk. You sit on the other side.

 

Cora: *Wriggles around in the chair*

 

Regina: *Is trying to be patient* Mommy…that’s for the person who rules the town…you don’t rule the town.

 

Cora: ….

 

Regina: Mommy…you aren’t planning to take over are you?

 

Cora: *Is smug*

 

Regina: Your silence isn’t helping mommy! I thought we were just going to kill the Charmings and brainwash Henry a bit! You never told me you had a hand in killing Ava! Do you know how many times I had to hear Leopold and Snow whining about that?!

 

Regina: Wait! You set all this up?!

 

Regina: Eh this is okay I guess…but it doesn’t have hot men on here…

 

Cora: Regina, why don’t you go mack on the stable boy so I can set someone up for his death later! I mean why don’t you go for your riding lesson!

 

Regina: Who’s Daniel? I don’t care about Daniel!

 

Regina: I mean *pats cushions to try and look casual*

 

Regina: I can’t wait to emasculate my boyfriend like mom does dad!

 

Cora: She couldn’t have picked someone blander, could she?

 

Snow: Are we there yet?

 

Johanna: We’ll get there when we get there!

 

Cora: I’ll just half smile…that usually sends animals running in terror.

 

Snow: What is going on? Have this horse executed immediately!

 

Regina: Hey you! Get off our property!

 

Regina: Wait! You set this up!

 

Cora: Oh stop it Regina, you had that figured out in Stable Boy and even though I denied it, you should’ve known better.

 

Regina: But mommy! Don’t you know that affects me!

 

Cora: And I set you up to take it out on an innocent girl and her family.  

 

Regina: Who cares about them?!

 

Emma: So…how about that emotion you were showing over your dad?

Baelfire: Emma, that poison was inches from my dad’s heart. Unless it’s taking the long way around or something…we really don’t have time to sit here and talk about my daddy issues all casually.

 

Emma: Oh, its fine, Henry’s glaring at him in that special little way and it’s scared Rumpel so bad that his heart stopped. That poison ain’t going anywhere.

Baelfire: We left our son with a dying man by himself?!

 

Emma: Should’ve thought that through a little better.

Baelfire: What sort of mom are you?!

 

Emma: That kind of mom that was hours away from marrying YOUR dad and it could’ve been avoided if you’d just told me the truth when we were dating.

 

Baelfire: *Bursts into laughter*

 

Emma: Yeah…because it wasn’t like I drunkenly poured my soul out to you about my own abandonment issues every night.

 

Baelfire: AH! Here’s my car.

Emma: Do you have to hide it so far?

Baelfire: Danvers the Dove has his spies everywhere. That’s’ why I ran when you showed up at my place, I thought he sent his bird assassins to do me in.

 

Baelfire: *Nearly slips*

 

Baelfire: You didn’t see that.

 

Baelfire: I know my dad is dying and all…but it’s best now to tell you about that complication that would be best not to tell my ex-lover about…

 

Tamara: *Drops off the roof of an eight story building* There you are, Neal! I was worried!

 

Emma: *Record scratch*

 

Tamara: SWEETIE *Lifts up, twirls in the air, and sets back down*

Baelfire: Tamara! Company

 

Emma: Tick tock, Neal. It never ends well for those that get in the way of my love interests and dying Rumpelstiltskin.  

 

Baelfire: This is the mother of my kid.

 

Emma: Who he abandoned in prison.

 

Tamara: WHAT?!

 

Baelfire: You don’t HAVE to add that last part into every conversation.

 

Tamara: We are going to talk about this when I get you home and you are not going to hear the end of it for a very very very long-

 

Tamara: Hi, I’m Tamara

 

Emma: Hi, I’m Emma ‘if you disappeared, would anyone miss you?’ Swan.

 

Baelfire: Subtle

Tamara: Wheee!

 

Emma: Nailed it.

 

Snow: I hope you don’t mind…but we’re moving into your house.

 

Charming: This is um….kind of a small grave.

Snow: Well that’s because there’s still a lot of her that we need to clean off the sidewalk.

 

Charming: It was a nice service.

Snow: That’s because we were the only ones that attended. Everyone else claims they never met her.

 

Charming: Well she was a tea kettle honey; most people don’t see the occasion to chat those up.

 

Snow: She wasn’t Mrs. Potts!

Charming: Well she should’ve been!

 

Charming: Why did you change your coat? What’s the timeline? If it only took Hook a couple of hours at most to find Rumpelstiltskin and stab him…and maybe an hour after that …what did we do? Load Johanna in the back of the truck, run home and change and then bury her or something? All in a few hours?

 

Snow: How come no one’s put a locating spell on the hearts in there and filled her lair up with concrete or burned it down?

 

Snow: You know… I’m starting to think this whole ‘giving unapologetic murderers free reign and second chances’ might not be working out too well.

 

Charming: This is your grief talking! We have to be ineffectual to the point of hilarity!

 

Mary Margaret. : Oh….I’m going to tear that mausoleum down with my bare hands and then we’ll SEE how ineffectual I am

 

Charming: Snow…I mean Mary….

 

Charming: Just stay here. I’ll get my truck. It’ll be better if we back into it a couple of times.

 

Charming: Also, do you think I could use that vault for my power tools?

 

Mary: Only if you let me kill Cora.

 

Charming: I wanted to kill Cora!

 

Mary: Well it looks like I called dibs, now didn’t I?