116 - The Miller's Daughter Part 4

Cora: Oh this curse that I easily defeated before by throwing a fireball at it is REALLY HARD!

 

Cora: Maybe its cause Regina helped me.

 

Cora: Yeah right!

 

Rumpelstiltskin: You know, I’m not against us leaving through the back….

 

*Is awkward*

Emma: So….anyone know any good jokes?

 

Baelfire:  Were you really engaged to my dad?

 

Rumpelstiltskin: Yep, and she liked it!

 

Baelfire: *Sobs*

 

Rumpelstiltskin: But I’ve….moved on.

 

Emma: *Is mentally putting her fist in the air and cheering*

 

Rumpelstiltskin: Can you guys call Belle? I know this is an awkward time, what with us about to die and all but…okay so I could’ve done this earlier!

 

Baelfire: What’s a Belle?

 

Emma: It’s a thing that rings when swung a certain way.

 

Baelfire: *Did not miss Emma’s sass* What is she? His girlfriend? Ha! Yeah right! What are the chances of that happening?

 

Baelfire: Dad, why are you smirking like that!?

 

Not!Belle: Sure Mr. Gold, I wasn’t taking a nap at all! And whose phone is this?

 

Rumpelstiltskin: I have to keep this short, Not!Belle, I’m making my ex fiancé jealous.

Emma: I’m giving you privacy!

 

Rumpelstiltskin: I’m going to tell you exactly what you are since everyone has failed at keeping you safe and villain free on an EPIC scale. You Belle…were a prankster.

 

Rumpelstiltskin: And not one of those boring one that puts buzzers on their hands and shocks you. If you did that, you made sure it had enough voltage in there to bring down an elephant!

 

Not!Belle: *Sobs* That sounds like me! At least I think it does~

 

Rumpelstiltskin: You were a temperamental psycho who loved an even more temperamental psycho (who looks good in leather pants). Really, really loved me. You find…the ability to annoy me by whining about goodness in others. And if it’s not there, you guilt me until I pretend I see it too. You make me want to go back to the societal accepted version of me that everyone at least tolerated….and that’s never happened before.

 

Baelfire: Um….dad…what are you talking about?

 

Rumpelstiltskin: Yep, no one else EVER has done that. No one at all. So when you look in the mirror…be sad that I’m not in the reflection too.

 

Not!Belle: Well…that’s nice I guess…hey, you’re that rich guy, right?

 

Rumpelstiltskin: Yeah, but everything goes to Archie. The only reason he’s not here is because he’s on his second comedic tour and I told him to focus on that and not dying me.

 

Emma: Their relationship is weird.

 

Not!Belle: That’s the nicest thing anyone said to me!

 

Rumpelstiltskin: Oh for heaven’s sake Belle! You have the memory of a goldfish right now! How would you know? *Hangs up* 

 

Emma: Good thing Cora didn’t break through because it would’ve ended up sounding like “Oh Belle, you’re sooo good and OH MY CHEST! YOU’RE STABBIDYING IT!

 

Baelfire: So…she seems like a nice girl….

Emma: She’s younger than you!

Baelfire: That just got gross.

 

Rumpelstiltskin: Shut up, Bae. You’re like 300 years old too!

 

Baelfire: We’re the most dysfunctional family ever.

Rumpelstiltskin: Tell me about it, you wouldn’t believe the lives I ruined to get to you.

Emma: Geez Bae, nice going.

 

Rumpelstiltskin: And…maybe I’m sort of…regretful that you didn’t hold onto my hand long enough for me to use my super strength and pull you up. I sort of forgot I had teleporting and strength. Maybe both were offline for updates.

 

Baelfire: *Pouts* Well…it wasn’t the same, living without having you flirt with every female we encountered.

 

Rumpelstiltskin: *Sniffles* I forgive you too!

 

Rumpelstiltskin: ….

 

Rumpelstiltskin: ….

 

Rumpelstiltskin: ….

 

Rumpelstiltskin: Bae, I’m sort of getting deader!

 

Baelfire: FINE! FINE!

Rumpelstiltskin: FAMILY FEELZ!

 

Emma: No one asked me if I wanted to join in…

 

Regina: Ew, I smell PURITY in here.

Snow: I’ll bet if I tunnel under the city, I’ll be able to get behind Cora in time to save Rumpelstiltskin.

 

Regina: Hey you!

 

Snow: Oh…um….hi?

 

Regina: What’s that?

 

Snow: A box.

 

Regina: What’s in it?

 

Snow: Wood.

 

Regina: You do realize that you’re not getting out of this alive, right?

 

Snow: Please. You fail just as much as Hook does.

 

Snow: This isn’t going to be different.

 

Regina: But…I’m better than Hook! I have feels and stuff!

 

Snow: Hey Regina, I DARE you not to stick this in your mother’s chest!

 

Regina: Don’t tell me what to do!

 

Snow: Okay

 

Rumpelstiltskin: Keeping me waiting…this marriage is turning out to be just like the FIRST one!

 

Cora: Ugh, stop whining, I had to throw on this robe, give the guards the slip and tell them that this beating heart in a box was a practical joke for Henry. And then they still didn’t believe me, so I had to prank him.

 

Rumpelstiltskin: You actually showed up to the wedding! You’re NOTHING like Milah!

 

Cora: Wait, we’re marrying here?

 

Rumpelstiltskin: KISS ATTACK!

 

Rumpelstiltskin: Wait….something’s not right…you stomped on my foot…

 

Cora: I’ve elected to stop the plan to run away with you and I’m running away with Henry instead. Except for the fact that instead of running, we’re staying in one place…so really that was more metaphorical.

 

Rumpelstiltskin: Wait a minute….YOU are dumping ME?

 

Cora: Yep. Ripped my own heart out and everything. It was sort of dusty, it hadn’t been used in a while….

 

Rumpelstiltskin: But…what’s so great about Henry? He can give you a kingdom, so what? I’ll bet I could take over this entire world if I wanted to! You abandoning me because you want power makes no sense!

 

Cora: I know. But I guess not thinking things through is genetic.

 

Rumpelstiltskin: Okay so let me get this straight….you DON’T want to see me anymore.

 

Rumpelstiltskin: And on top of it, that’s not even the gift I gave you. That’s the engagement box Henry gave you and so you’re returning the wrong thing…

 

Cora: Actually a heart is inside. See, the whole ‘crushing his heart’ thing was a great idea and all…and for some reason, he’s valuable to keep around. So I ripped out my own heart instead. Don’t ask why I couldn’t do both.

 

Rumpelstiltskin: But he’s in your way in your scour for power!

 

Cora: Yeah, but have you SEEN his plans for his fall wardrobe based on the gold I spun? That man’s worth keeping alive, let me tell you.

 

Rumpelstiltskin: If there’s anyone that knows about good threads, it’s me!

 

Rumpelstiltskin: I’ll take your husband’s height!

 

Cora: Big deal, it’ll just make him easier to walk over.

 

Cora: The timing on this is just all kinds of off

 

Charming: Hey way to be a help Mary Margaret! Bail as soon as the fighting gets tough! I know we agreed to pick our spots in the cemetery but I was hoping it’d be AFTER we died! No wait, that didn’t come out right.

 

Charming: Hey! Did you just realize all your hair was gone?

 

Charming: Because I felt really bummed when I saw it too, just so you know.

 

Snow: I can’t believe I did the only thing that would guarantee my survival!

*Get ready to hear her whining about self-defense for the rest of the season*

 

Charming: Wait…what are you talking about?

 

Cora: Finally. Man, that invisichalk is top of the line stuff!

*How did the invisichalk exist when there was no magic?*

 

Baelfire: Emma, stay back…I got this.

Emma: Where’s my gun?

 

Emma: Oh….

Baelfire: The woods…last time I was in the woods because of my dad, it did NOT end well for me!

 

Baelfire: So…now’s time to take me on that hike you were telling me so much about.

Emma: I can’t believe we’re not more freaked out about the risk of coming home and finding it totally destroyed.

 

Rumpelstiltskin: Oh hey…so I guess my big bad savior is worthless then…

 

Rumpelstiltskin: She and Bae are perfect for each other.

 

Cora: *Is jealous* And what is your relationship to Emma?

 

Rumpelstiltskin: Oh, the same relationship that people were speculating was my relationship to Regina in season 1. That we were married.

*A selection of us still feel icky about that theory*

 

Rumpelstiltskin: Don’t give me that look, you know it kills me.

 

Rumpelstiltskin: So…you and Hook, huh?

 

Cora: eh, not really. He didn’t wear his pants tight enough and he didn’t giggle. So I just trolled him for 28 years by flirting and watching him sass me back.

 

Cora: You were the only man I ever sort of loved…and by man, I mean power wielding maniac…

 

Rumpelstiltskin: This is still creepy.

 

Cora: Well, soul mate bonding time’s over, time to die.

 

Regina: Hey mom, have a HEART!

 

Rumpelstiltskin: You certainly BEAT me to the punch Regina.

 

Regina: Now love me so that we can destroy these people together!

 

Cora: ….

 

Cora: Is that what you’re wearing?

 

Regina: YOU LOVE ME!

 

Cora: And is that you’re hair?

 

Regina: You smiling feels like my soul is being sucked out of my body!

 

Regina: How dare someone hold me WITHOUT ASKING PERMISSION FIRST!

 

Cora: Dear gods, is the only button on this kid ‘cry’?

 

Xavier: Oh look…it’s a girl…Well…maybe next time.

 

Cora: Its name is Regina and she’s going to be queen!

Henry: Don’t jinx it Cora!

 

Xavier: Why am I bowing when I’m the king?

Henry: CIIRRCCLLLEEE OFFF LIFFFEEEE!

 

Cora: Oh gross, this thing needs to be changed! I didn’t think its other functions could be more disappointing than its main one.

 

Cora: So…lousy turnout…

 

Cora: I just thought of what I did to Daniel!

 

Regina: This isn't going at all how I thought it would.

 

Cora: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA- Ow.

 

*Fans cheer*

 

Cora: Look what you did to my new suit!

 

Regina: Mom, what’s wrong? It’s almost as if karma has struck!

 

Rumpelstiltskin: Heh, have I got a plan for Regina….

 

Cora: Well, I better have some fun with this…*Ahem* *Is trolling* Rumpelstiltskin is your father!

 

Regina: WHAT?!

 

Rumpelstiltskin: Leave me out of this!

 

Cora: Oh please, you could have worse fathers.

 

Cora: BLERGH!

 

Regina: Hey um…she was just messing with me, right? I mean…you and she never really ever…

 

Regina: Mom, don’t die in our quest to murder everyone!

Rumpelstiltskin: *Is standing there like a boss*

 

Rumpelstiltskin: This is all very nice but could you please get her out of here? I open in ten minutes!

 

Regina: This is your entire fault! You stole her life!

 

Rumpelstiltskin: Uh…maybe because you were trying to steal mine! Or did forget that you were prepared to murder me!?

 

Regina: Just learn to forgive and forget already! Geez!

 

Snow: Hey, so who’s dead?

 

Snow: Oh….well this is kind of awkward…

Charming: Hey, I’m just here to be the morality pet.

 

Snow: Oh noes! I protected my family!

 

Regina: This is all your fault again!

The End.

So…what happened? Did they all just glare at each other and wander off?

Due to the finale and the insanity on the boards and such, no new episode next week.