217 - Welcome to Storybrooke

Kurt: No! Owen! Son! What are you doing? This is our fishing wire! Stop!

Owen: Back off dad, I’m making a self-defense whip in case anyone comes out in the night and kidnaps me!

Kurt: Oh, Owen, that’s a pretty good idea now that I think about it.

Kurt: We’re so far out in the middle of the woods, that no one could possibly hear us screaming.

Owen: I’m counting on that.

Kurt: When I was your age, my dad made me a keychain just like the one I taught you!

Owen: Oh, so grandpa was into girly arts and crafts too?!

Kurt: D’aww, you sound just like your mother when I showed her this.

Owen: Oh…yay…a leathery keychain that probably hasn’t been washed in decades…I can smell the mold and mildew from here.

Owen: Can’t wait to take it to school!

*Is awkward*

Kurt: Well, we’ve been in this forsaken state for 24 hours and nothing Stephen Kingy has happened to us…I’m bored. I guess we should pack it up…

Kurt: And now a storm’s coming in. Great. And I’m sleeping on the side of the tent that leaks.

Kurt: Oh no, storm. Don’t ruin my cassette tapes! They’re state of the art!

Owen: Dad, I can’t wait for the day when we can look at small handheld devices to check the weather and we won’t have to worry about situations like this!

Kurt: Son, that will NEVER happen!

Kurt: Well…see ya, Owen!

Owen: What?!

Kurt: No, I’m just kidding! Get in the tent! Its cloth walls will protect us FAR more than the metal of the jeep probably could.

Owen: Darn it dad, this is why I wanted to go camping in Hawaii!

Kurt: Darn you Maine Fog.  

Owen: Dad, can I tell everyone about how you were screaming like a girl?

Kurt: Only if you’re okay with walking home.

Kurt: Darn you, Maine fog! You can uproot a tree but can’t knock down a tent!

Owen: That’s because we shopped at Academy Sports and Outdoors.

Owen: MY CAR!

Kurt: Your…what?

Owen: Nothing….

Kurt: Well, what we’re going to do is have to walk 40 miles to the nearest road, walk 120 from there and hope we’re picked up along the way by a nice trucker and not the one that tried to kill us like last time.

Owen: Or, we could just follow the smell of waffles.

Kurt: How did I miss that? It was five feet away!

Owen: Need some glasses, dad? Luckily I have perfect eyesight!

Kurt: Wanna know what you won’t have? A perfect hairline.        

Owen: Dad, I wanna go home. This whole place just reeks of ‘Town with a Secret’.

Kurt: Hush Son, just because a town suddenly plopped down in the middle of nowhere and isn’t on any maps or any street signs…I’m sure it’s fine. Look, there’s even a friendly old man with a cane and his friend with the Dalmatian chatting. And the man with the Dalmatian is waving at us and the other man is waving his cane…

Owen: I’ve never seen clothes like these before!

Kurt: Poor small towns, they’ll never understand the cultural phenomenon that our leg warmers and shoulder pads and mullets are becoming…

Owen: Cool. Big Ben.

Kurt: We’re not in England, Owen.

*Shot for the Graham Girls*

*I swear, I didn’t take that shot on purpose*

Graham: What the FRIG are you trespassers doing in our town?

*Why does Storybrooke even need a stoplight?*

Kurt: I’ve entered a Stephen King universe! *Is sort of squeeing*

Graham: Hi…I’m Blatant Fan Appeasement! I mean, my name is Sheriff Graham!

Graham: And you better not cause trouble because I am REALLY good friends with the mayor!

Regina: My perfect makeup!

Regina: Oh sick, my pillows weren’t fluffed to my liking! Someone’s getting a decapitation!

Regina: Uh….this isn’t my room….oh geez, Rumpelstiltskin trolled me by teleporting me to someone else’s house and freaking me out on purpose!

Regina: Please don’t be King George’s house! Please don’t be King George’s house!

Regina: And my alarm doesn’t ring to the screams of the innocent….I really must do something about that!

Regina: And where’s my hair?!

Regina: And where am I?

Regina: And whose shoe closet is this? I shall envy it! Because it’s three times the size of mine!

Regina: And whose dress is this? Whoever this belongs to, it’s mine now!

Regina: Wait a minute...I just realized that maybe the curse worked!

Mr. Gold: I wish that Ruby girl would stop singing at my balcony.

Marco: I know you feel like you’re depressed and have no one to turn to Mr. Sign…..but you can’t become so depressed that you go off your hinges. Look at me, I have no wife and no kids…*Sobs* and I’m fine with life!

Regina: But this can’t be my cursed world! Where are the robots and zombies and Snow being hung out to dry!? And I wanted feathered hair and shoulder pads in my curse and this isn’t’ it at all!

Granny: Stop trying to stalk Mr. Gold!

Ruby: He didn’t say not to!

Granny: He threw his bed over the balcony aimed at you!

Ruby: That was an invitation!

Regina: D’ow! I messed them up good! Oh wait…aren’t they running the only restaurant here? I hope I have good standing with them….

Regina: Why isn’t my house a castle? And how will I learn to drive these enchanted buggies? And what happened to Jefferson.

Jefferson: This world is amazing! The water closet has the coolest thing! I can put my foot in that one bowl and pull the lever and it cleans my foot and fills up with water again for the other foot and I can do it all day! And it also comes with a picture frame and a cutting board for food attached so that I can look at myself and cook! And there’s a mirror right next to it!

Regina: Oh…you work that umbrella, that’s right.

Archie: Hey Regina! Lovely morning! Going out to get some tacos with Mr. Gold, and I can’t be late!

Regina: *Is sarcastic* Oh great….so that friendship is still a thing….

Mary Margaret Blanchard: Now remember that birds are lovable companions and we should all treat our birdhouses as if they’re not just tossed together and will blow over as soon as a strong wind hits

Mary Margaret: Because maybe birds are the only thing you have because maybe you’re only interested in bad boys who take your haircut and your clothes into consideration and they all say ‘no Mary Margaret, let’s just be friends’ and maybe you have to go home and talk and cry to your birds because they’re the only creatures that talk to you back without making you fell inadequate-

*Is squeezing*

Bird: SQUAWK! SQUAWK! SQUAWK! SQUAWK! SQUAWK! SQUAWK!

Mary Margaret: But I digress….

Mary: Fly free little bird! Fly free!

*Way to make the children believe that birds WON’T fly away from them as soon as they approach*

Mary Margaret: Now….where was I?

Random Kid: Um…your dating life?

Random Kid 2: Again.

Random Kid: Again.

Regina: What kind of school is this? Didn’t I just wake up? What kind of school has classes this short? Move out of my way! Stupid children! *Glares*

Mary Margaret: Oh…so they let dragon ladies in all willy nilly and unescorted? 

Regina: Wh- what are you wearing? You look like a nun.

Mary Margaret: Uh…what I wear like…literally every day, Regina. I can’t believe you always ask me this.

Regina: No wonder you don’t get dates.

Mary Margaret: *Sniffles* Yes I do! Mr. Gold and I are set to renew our relationship any day now!

Regina: Oh my god, I should have made them a couple. Their faces if they ever woke up would’ve been HILARIOUS.

Mary Margaret: Um…don’t I have a class to teach?

Regina: No one cares about you as a teacher! Keep walking!

Regina: These are the ones that I let live!

Mary Margaret: See, when I say things like that, I get arrested…

Regina: Wait for it…wait for it…

Mary Margaret: Who’s that goofball?

Regina: Oh no one…just the type you would date. Unwilling, asleep, and unresponsive.

Regina: *Is struggling not to throw up* Ugh, I just imagined seducing him!

Mary Margaret: ….

Mary Margaret: It might not….be so bad….

Regina: And that’s why all your boyfriends leave!

Mary Margaret: *Sniffles*

Leroy: What kind of world is this where Reagan gets a bigger page than the shelter dog adopted by the thieves that stole him?

Regina: What is up with this timeline? I just dragged Snow out of school to introduce her to her dying husband and now I’m getting pancakes? What time is it?

Regina: Wait…it couldn’t be…

Regina: Fan Pandering? Is that you?

Graham: *Is posing* The one and only!

Regina: And you seem willing to do whatever I want. *Is disappointed* That’s….that’s nice…

Graham: Hey, so that waitress has been giving me the eye, I think I outta look her up.

Owen: She says she’s on a quest to date the land owner. My dad already asked.

Regina: EW, who let a child in!

Owen: I walked in! You got a problem?

Marco: Back in my day, we didn’t stand for that. If I was a child and said that, I’d be held upside down over the clock tower until my dad’s arms got tired.

Regina: Shut up Marco, fire hadn’t been discovered when you were little.

Kurt: Oh, is my kid bothering you? Sorry, I was chatting with that elderly matron that says she can supply me with a room because we are staying indefinitely until I can meet Stephen King.

Regina: Why is this peasant wanting me to touch him?

Kurt: I can sort of hear everything you’re saying.

Regina: This peasant just sassed me too! Off with his head!

Graham: I’m not sure we do that anymore…

Regina: Well, why not?

Regina: Throw them in the dungeon then!

Graham: Not sure we have one of those either.

Kurt: So….do I get a forest view or a square one?

Regina: I don’t like him. He looks me in the eye and doesn’t do so because I’m ripping his heart out of his chest.

Graham: ……

Graham: I happened to have a best friend night with him.

Graham: He said he can teach me to cheat at Bingo!

Regina: *Is jealous* But I thought we…played bingo together!

Graham: I think your idea of bingo and my idea of bingo are completely different.

Regina: OMGZ, MOMMIEZ!

Rumpelstiltskin: Now maybe this time, she’ll stay in there!

Regina: What the-? Who invited you?

Rumpelstiltskin: I invited myself, duh. If you wanted a private ceremony, you should’ve enforced better security.

Rumpelstiltskin: Also I took this from your rosebush, I hope you don’t mind. I also had to take off every flower to compare it to the others.

Rumpelstiltskin: We had our differences like…the fact that she wanted to brutally murder me…but she’ll always have a place in my heart….like she had a place in my bed. *Puts rose on top of Regina’s to reclaim dominance on the villain scale*

Regina: WHAT?! You had a relationship and you knew that while hitting on me?

Rumpelstiltskin: Oh get over it. I hit on Emma all the time and I used to date her mom and almost dated her grandma!

Regina: God, never get in close proximity of me again!

Rumpelstiltskin: NO problem! Just don’t get near the Charmings and you won’t get near me! Did I tell you that since they saved my life, and I got Emma all hot and bothered with her own magic, we’re all friends now? It’s pretty nice having people that don’t want to manipulate you or kill you! But since you keep setting yourself up for the same mistakes over and over, I don’t think you know what that’s like! Ooooo, BURN Regina!

Regina: you can’t burn your own insult!

Rumpelstiltskin: Well, looks like I just did!

Regina: I wonder how gloaty you’ll be when I take my son and my vengeance!

Rumpelstiltskin: Oh for god’s sake Regina, is that supposed to intimidate me? You fail more than Hook does!

Rumpelstiltskin: And you tried to kill your mother TWICE! Three times if you thought the mirror incident might kill her!

Rumpelstiltskin: Frankly, I’m beginning to wonder if you’re just pissed that someone else got it done and you didn’t!

Regina: I’m not listening!

Rumpelstiltskin: And by the way…what were you thinking on hiring Hook!? A backstabbing pirate! Oh yeah, that goes well….just like how you hired the only Huntsman in the Enchanted Forest that cries over his kills! You’re really bad at this! I thought your mother and I taught you better!

Rumpelstiltskin: Unlike me, my plans always go off gloriously and without a hitch!

Rumpelstiltskin: Now your plans…especially the last half of this season…generally aren’t all that well thought out and lack a lot of common sense. Quit while you’re behind Regina. Then we can avoid a lot of nonsensical moments where you keep trying to kill the Charmings and they keep inexplicably forgiving you.

Rumpelstiltskin: TV’s and computers will be saved from things being thrown at them!

Regina: Nah! I’m sticking with revenge….

Rumpelstiltskin: Okay, but it really sucks in season two!

Regina: Not that show! My own vengeance!

Rumpelstiltskin: Well you keep trying and failing and I’ll run to the Charmings and tell them what you’re planning. I hope Emma is there. Archie said that she got a new sweater that she modeled for him and I keep stopping by to see if she’s wearing it.

Rumpelstiltskin: Mm! Dat body!

Regina: She probably doesn’t even have a new sweater. And she didn’t model anything for Archie!

Rumpelstiltskin: Then I’ll stop by when she’s NOT wearing any sweaters! Even better!

Regina: Well I hope you enjoy it while it lasts, because she won’t be around much longer!

Rumpelstiltskin: Regina, I hope you realize you’ve pretty much warned me about this entire plan of yours.

Rumpelstiltskin: She’s SUCH her mother’s daughter.