Once Upon A Time: Abridged: 217 - Welcome to Storybrooke Part 2

Snow: My life is over!

Henry: What’s eating grandma?

Emma: See Henry, that’s what your first kill does to you!

Charming: Well um…not really Emma…Snow has been privy to and killed several people in self-defense in season One. But apparently tricking a witch into offing the mother she planned to off twice herself before she manipulated her into joining the ranks, killing us all, and taking Henry was just too much.

Henry: Don’t worry mom, I give you assurances that I will be nothing like this when I start killing people.

Emma: Oh! Henry!

Charming: You know what; your mother did this exact same thing when you told her you were engaged to Mr. Gold

Emma: She does that when I express desire for anyone but Archie!

Charming: Wait, who else do you express desire for?

Emma: I- Uh- Finish your cereal Henry, and then one day I’ll tell you why tricking someone to kill someone else is a bad thing when you’re cornered and its entire self-defense.

Charming: God, this storyline is so stupid.

Henry: Did she at least die good?

Emma: I don’t know, I missed it. Your grandfather forgot to tape it for me.

Emma: ….

Emma: You didn’t hear me say that.

Henry: Was Regina’s face funny?

Emma: I heard that it nearly froze that way…

Rumpelstiltskin: Hello fellow grandpa friend of mine! I’m so happy we’re related!

Charming: Get out!

Rumpelstiltskin: I know you’re just saying that for cool points considering what my son did to your daughter and how I was nice to her to atone for that without really knowing about it by offering her my body…but if you kick me out now then you won’t know about how Regina wants to kill you all!

Emma: Well I saved some of that invisichalk, so it should be fine.

Rumpelstiltskin: Hiiiiiii Emma!

Emma: I was hoping that would stop!

Henry: It’ll never stop.

Charming: What’s Regina planning?

Rumpelstiltskin: I dunno, I just stopped by to tell you that it’s devious.

Charming: But we already figured that! Why did we hire you?

Rumpelstiltskin: Because you need a token evil teammate and I’m the only one that successfully helps you against Regina!

Rumpelstiltskin: Mm! Now there’s a sight I never got lucky enough to see.

Charming: Stop making bedroom eyes at my wife!

Rumpelstiltskin: I’m not!

Kurt: Just a few more bites!

Owen: No! That Paige girl told me she digs vegetarians!

Granny: Don’t you trust that Paige girl! If you talk to her, a strange man comes out of the bushes waving a big hat and his arms and screaming about caterpillars.

Regina: That’s. My. Throne! I always sit there! Since today!

Owen: Woman, have you not heard of something called dibs

Kurt: Don’t look at me! I don’t want to sit by you!

Regina: Nobody asked you, hairball.

Regina: If you don’t get out of that seat, I WILL hold my breath.

Owen: Okay, then you’ll pass out and you still won’t be sitting here.

Regina: What?! Someone told me ‘no’?

Regina: Look you little runt…

Kurt: Dear God, go away!

Owen: Bring it, sister!

Regina: Those who don’t do what I say end up living in the woods separated from their loved ones whom I have killed….now do you really want that?

Owen: I’m not sure anyone wants it, but it doesn’t seem like that would stop you.

Regina: Good. Now I’ll put a rush on that part that will get you on your way.

Kurt: Whoa!

Owen: Whoa! You can rush the mail delivery system?

Kurt: Awesome! Cause that landowner guy creeped me out! When I got us a room, he snuck behind me and told me what a lovely name ‘Kurt’ was.

Owen: Color me impressed.

Regina: I usually have that effect on people…now get out of my seat.

Owen: Wait…

Regina: MAH SEAT!

Owen: I need to dump this in a way that won’t hurt my dad’s feelings!

Regina: Mah throne! From here, I shall reign with an iron stiletto!

Owen: Quick! Take it! My dad will be touched and buy me ice cream!

Regina: I will do nothing of the sort, peasant!

Owen: It’s to make you feel guilty for being so rude about things like seating arrangements and trying to run us out of town.

Kurt: Tick tock, kid.

Regina: That’s…great…very uneven but….nice for a first time I guess.

Regina: I’ll treasure this…in the garbage…

Regina: MAKEUP!

*There’s so much wrong with the fact they brought this storyline back that I can’t stomach making a joke about it right now.*

Regina: Hello kingdom….wait, why is there a drunken dwarf passed out in my lawn?

Snow: I don’t know why it is about his silly face that’s just drawing me in!

Regina: Maybe she’ll cry like last time!

Regina: I still wish I had a castle….

Mr. Gold: I still wish we’d seen more of my personality in this episode….

Marco: How many times do I have to screw you, Mr. Sign? Stay up!

Granny: If you go to Mr. Gold’s house again and sing, I will slap you!

Ruby: He said he was tired of flirting with dark haired girls; he wanted to go for a tight jeaned blonde! “I” could be a tight jeaned blonde!

Granny: So could I, but it’s not going to happen!

Archie: Hi mayor! It’s bowling night with Mr. Gold and I can’t be late!

Regina: Der! Can’t be late! *Kicks in abdomen*

Mary Margaret: EEEE!

Regina: Where did you come from? Did you drop from the roof or something?

Mary Margaret: I don’t want to talk about why I spent the morning up in the 2^nd story of the fresh food mart dressed in nothing but lettuce and bananas but I thought it was for a good cause until I realized it wasn't and I had to get dressed and climb out the window!

Mary Margaret: ….

Mary Margaret: Don’t tell anyone!

Regina: I’m telling EVERYONE!

Regina: I’m beginning to think that this poorly handled and written storyline is the only reason we brought you back…

Mary Margaret: Why on earth is the creepy mayor checking me out?

Regina: Man, what did Graham do to my neck last night?

Regina: Maybe I should start looking for Snow and Charming’s birthed child right about now…

Mr. Gold: Watch where you’re throwing those tools, old man. I know that was on purpose!

Marco: Mr. Sign, I think I’m doing all the heavy lifting in this relationship!

Regina: Raping the same man every night and having everything my way is BORING!

Ruby: He loves me!

Granny: He shot a bazooka at you when you wouldn’t get out of his yard!

Ruby: He likes me! That’s just his way of having filthy innuendo!

Regina: Oh my god, how did Rumpelstiltskin make himself a sex god here too?

Mary Margaret: I always thought he was smoking fine!

Regina: WHERE DID YOU COME FROM?!

Mary Margaret: Dr. Whale caught me staring at the John Doe’s luscious lips and now I’m avoiding the hospital for reasons that have nothing to do with my attraction to a zonked out man that doesn’t talk back.

Regina: I’m sorry I asked.

Mary Margaret: DON’T TELL HIM YOU SAW ME!

Regina: Wait…you and Whale?

Mary Margaret: Of course! It’s like true love!

Regina: …..

Regina: ….EWWWWWWWW!

Regina: Where are the escorts to open doors for me?

Mr. Gold: A CUSTOMER!?!?!?!?!??!?! Okay, okay, calm down Mr. Gold…you can do this…you can do this….

Mr. Gold: If you’re lost, there’s a town directory in front of my building.

Regina: I don’t need directions! I WANTED to come here!

Mr. Gold: Seriously?! That’s never happened before!

Mr. Gold: I gotta go write this down!

Regina: I’m here to tell you that I’m not happy!

Mr. Gold: *Fakes shocked gasp*

Mr. Gold: Sorry, were you under the impression that I cared?

Regina: *Stamps foot* Fix it!

Mr. Gold: …..Why? I never even voted for you!

Regina: Figures you’d be a little troll in this life too!

Mr. Gold: *Feelings are hurt*

Mr. Gold: I’m sorry, who came to whom again? Are you going to apologize or will I have to pick which three of my wooden spoons to beat you with first for that insult?

Regina: Wait…you’re not pointing and laughing at me! You don’t know who you are? You’re completely ignorant!

Mr. Gold: I am Theophilious Sebastian Winston Gold the IVth and I’m not ignorant of anything even when I am ignorant! Begone; your aura is corroding my baby mobile!

Regina: Fine! I have other things to do.

Mr. Gold: And don’t steal any children while you’re off gallivanting around either!

Regina: Hello….peasant? This is the mayor….I’m just asking if I could borrow your kid permanently! Er…for dinner! For Dinner…. Well….okay, I guess you can come too….but….

Regina: Well, frankly peasant, it doesn’t matter how I got this number!

Regina: Hello?

Regina: Must be a bad connection! I should call back!

Regina: Geez, mom! Get organized!

Regina: Who the frig owns a camera in the Enchanted Forest!?

Regina: *Is having a random tantrum*

Regina: Hey, what’s this?

Regina: Wait….why did my mom bring this along with her?

Rumpelstiltskin: So I’m thinking we should just seal this place up….

Charming: And leave Regina without access to her magical goods?! We can’t do that! For some…reason…

Rumpelstiltskin: So luckily for us, it looks like we just missed Regina having a meltdown….I only know this because I’ve left many of Cora’s dresses ripped up on the floor…so I know what they look like.

Charming: *Went into temporary shock*

Rumpelstiltskin: *Is chipper* Well! Let’s get to looking!

Charming: EW! UNDERTHINGS!

Rumpelstiltskin: Let me just find the solution to the problem….

Rumpelstiltskin: *Automatically finds it* There we go….

Rumpelstiltskin: Okay, so we’re missing pop rocks and coke. Regina’s testing urban legends…and that can only mean one thing…

Charming: Yeah….?

Rumpelstiltskin: Hold on, I’m not telling you until we get to the house.

Rumpelstiltskin: Once when Cora and I were in the swing of things-

Emma: AUGH! WHAT?!

Rumpelstiltskin: Don’t’ worry Emma, she meant nothing.

Emma: *Is in temporary shock*

Charming: It’s okay Emma; it passes….like a kidney stone…

Rumpelstiltskin: I happen to have had many lovers over the centuries!

Rumpelstiltskin: I had quite the reputation…

Henry: According to my book, Rumpelstiltskin and Cora wrote a book about urban legends and hid a tale about the ability to force someone to love you by brainwashing them and brutally killing their enemy. Great mom there, glad she loves me so much as to completely rob me of my free will for her benefit.

Charming: Alright kiddo, jump into my arms and I’ll take you to bed.

Henry: Um…shouldn’t I be aware that my adopted mom wants to BRAINWASH ME?!

Charming: You’ll be protected!

Henry: Yeah, because you lot have done SO WELL before!

Henry: Emma, it’s time we slaughter her. Kill her dead.

Rumpelstiltskin: I’m in favor of the only one in the room shorter than me.

Emma: No one asked you, Rumpelstiltskin.

Henry: I will!

Emma: Henry!

Henry: Evil Master powers, activate!

Rumpelstiltskin: Well, since you asked!

Rumpelstiltskin: Mmm, curl up and cry…that’s right…

Charming: Stop checking out the women in my family!

Rumpelstiltskin: She’s the one curled up in bed!

Rumpelstiltskin: It’s not my fault that my eyes always go to the only bed in the room!

Emma: *Is temporarily frozen*

Henry: *Is temporarily frozen*

Rumpelstiltskin: Don’t worry, your mother and I didn’t have the same relationship that Cora and I did! I was the noble one! I had to run from her several times because she did actually want all this once! She even yelled that she should’ve married me when she was giving birth to you!