Once Upon A Time: Abridged: 217 Welcome to Storybrooke Part 3

Regina: What kind of world is this where the peasant eats with the queen?

Owen: This lasagna looks like the frozen one at Granny’s.

Regina: I’ve only been here three days, how am I supposed to learn how to cook your tacky little meals when I don’t have kitchen staff?

Owen: I’m not eating this anymore. Not only does it look like the frozen one at Granny’s but I’m pretty sure it IS frozen.

Regina: Just grind it with your teeth, it’ll be fine.

Kurt: I think I lost all my fillings…

Regina: See? Your father approves!

Owen: If you’re looking for my approval, you should know that my mom wanted approval too. Then she went and died on me.

*Is awkward*

Kurt: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Regina: Dude, what’s your issue?

Kurt: Sorry…I’m one of those guys that deal with death really oddly.

Regina: So….there’s no peasant wife, is there?

Kurt: Yeah, she died.

Kurt: *Sniffles* And I really miss her.

Kurt: And so now it’s me raising the kid in the forest all by ourselves…

Regina: Oh. My. God. He’s BAMBI?!

Kurt: N-Nooooooo. I’m not sure those characters are real.

Regina: Please Kurt, Bambi is TOTALLY real.

Kurt: I’m really just thinking I should WALK home…

Regina: Who’s up for dessert!

Regina: I’ve mastered the magic fire box easily!

Owen: That’s….an oven.

Regina: So….how would you feel about killing your dad and staying with me forever and ever and ever?

Owen: Hm, doesn’t seem like it’s on my list of goals this year.

Owen: And I noticed that there’s nothing to do. Everyone does the same thing at the same time almost word for word.

Regina: Oh y-you picked up on that, did you?

Owen: I think it’s pretty obvious. Geez, I hope no kids get adopted into this town because they will learn NOTHING.

Regina: *Is reaching for a knife* Oh kid…sometimes you’re too smart for your own good.

Regina: I mean, I could be a good mom! Just because I nearly slaughtered a newborn baby four days ago doesn’t mean I shouldn’t be around little children, right?

Owen: You know….the people that came to my school and talked to us warned us about people like you….

Regina: Please…all I have to do is look sad and find a way to blame you and its fine.

Regina: Now come be my kid!

Kurt: Um….you’re getting a little too close there!

Regina: You know…you could always stay forever!

Kurt: Um…no.

Regina: Well you don’t have to stay! Just leave the squirt behind!

Kurt: Um….no.

Owen: I feel my happiness being drained, dad! Help!

Kurt: Lady…you can’t claim us after one pity date, okay? The Season 1 you would’ve been a lot smarter about this! And that’s not saying much!

Regina: You’re so sweet! You think I’ve improved!

Kurt: Uh….no….

Henry: We just have this stop!

Emma: Granny isn’t lending you her crossbow!

Henry: Well that’s why we’re just going to have to TAKE it, right?

Emma: Oh look, there’s your father!

Henry: Ugh, can’t I just go back to the house and hang with grandpa?

Baelfire: Hey Henry! Fancy meeting you here!

Henry: Don’t talk to me, dad impos-

Henry: *Is yanked in the seat*

Red: Like….this is all I’m good for now, apparently! Oh well, at least I can spend more time up on the hill with my main loving man!

Baelfire: Well…have fun watching me eat this by myself, Henry.

Henry: Okay.

Baelfire: I tease! Have some! Good thing I told Red to wait because it would be awkward if this was all melty…

Baelfire: It’s a good thing I’m an awesome dad that loves you and wants you safe in New York with me, right?

Henry: This won’t’ make me like you. Your dad always buys me two of these.

Baelfire: I know what you’re doing! You’re trying to get me jealous so that I’ll buy you three and you get on a sugar high and are happy and I get in trouble!

Henry: It appears I met my match.

Baelfire: Genetics….I planned to play Hook and Rumpelstiltskin against each other the same way if we all ever ended up in the same world together…

Baelfire: And now I’m like biologically the same age as my sort of stepdad! And he was older than me when I was Baeby!

Baelfire: You have to look at him like this, but you can see that he’s not aging well.

Henry: Mom thinks he looks might great for his age.

Baelfire: Okay Henry…he was doing my mom. If we think about this, he would be sleeping with my mom and my past girlfriend…

Henry: Well if I have it my way then my mom is going to be married to your dad! So it looks like you’re screwed either way when it comes to my mom and your two dads!

Baelfire: I can see that it’s going to be hard to tame you….but I do plan to stick around and try.

Henry: Yeah Bae…try.

Emma: Well, Bae’s not running yet…so I’m guessing that’s a good sign…

Red: Here! I did the best friend thing for you and spit in Neal’s cup when he wasn’t looking!

Greg: So…I’m still here by the way.

Emma: Yeah…why again?

Greg: I thought I might hang around town for a bit and see the non-magical sights that I have absolutely no interest in!

Emma: Hey, did anyone tell you about my superpower?

Red: *AHEM!*

Greg: No…

Emma: Good! Because it won't make it awkward that it isn’t working!

Red: Mm! If I wasn’t a happily married woman!

Emma: I don’t know if I just imagined that or I got a whipped cream headache!

Baelfire: Well, time to loosen the belt and have a good old time in front of the telly!

Baelfire: Good news! Henry likes me!

Emma: That can’t be true…

Emma: No one in this town likes you!

Baelfire: that’s not true! There’s uh….dad?

Emma: Yeah, and where are those bonding scenes?!

Baelfire: It was a trap!

Henry: FREEDOM!

Regina: Hm. Rumple’s been here. I can smell his cheap ‘Impress Emma’ cologne from here!

Regina: Oh, it’s even worse in here! And it’s mixed with Snow’s despair!

Rumpelstiltskin: *Is whispering* Just look sad!

Snow: Why are you pressed up against the column? You look like a dork!

Rumpelstiltskin: SH! She’ll never expect it!

Regina: I’m gonna sock you, good!

Snow: This is so easy, a caveman can do it.

Rumpelstiltskin: *Jumps out* Hiiiii Regina!

Regina: Whoa! When I bragged about how I was going to get everything to you, I didn’t think you’d actually get in my way!

Rumpelstiltskin: See, that’s why I’m better than the Charmings. They ask for my help, I stay by her bedside and tell her stories and sing her campfire songs with a banjo. I tell them to watch Belle, and they forget she exists.

Regina: Don’t let him build a campfire in the room; he’ll burn the castle down.

Snow: Oh, so that’s what happened to the summer palace.

Rumpelstiltskin: I seem to remember that’s because you didn’t open a window and the room filled with smoke and you got lost and fell over the chair and the chair fell in the fire and the place went up in flames!

Regina: I don’t…remember that!

Billy: Hey mayor!

Regina: I don’t….know who you are.

Billy: Most people didn’t even realize I existed until I died.

Regina: Luckily, it’s all about me so I don’t have to have that problem!

Billy: What’s that like?

Regina: Not like you’ll ever find out!

Regina: So I just…press down on the left atrium like it’s a talk button and hold up the aorta like it’s a wire…okay…

Regina: Graham? Do you read?

Graham: Uh…wha?

Regina: This is Regina!

Graham: What are you doing in my head?

Regina: You must stop Kurt from leaving!

Graham: But we can’t detain him! He taught me how to cheat at Bingo and I’m cleaning up at the retirement home!

Kurt: Uh…no.

Regina: That wasn’t a beating heart that I was looking to use to contain you with!

Kurt: Kinda looked like one…

Regina: Okay, well maybe a little bit.

Kurt: Why did you even have your back to the door anyway?

Regina: No! You can’t leave! How dare you be freaked out about me wanting to force you to stay here against your will!

Graham: KURT! YOU CAN’T LEAVE WITHOUT MY PATENTED BEST FRIEND HUG!

Graham: And you also can’t leave without my patented best friend Indian Burn!

Kurt: Oooo! That hurts!

Graham: And you can’t leave without my patented best friend full nelson!

Kurt: Is this like a ceremony!?

Regina: This’ll make him stay!

Graham: We’re making great friendship progress, mayor!

Kurt: NINJA FLICK!

Graham: Oh…I knew the full nelson was going too far on the old beater!

Kurt: See ya later, suckers!

Graham: *Is trying not to cry* I don’t think he likes me anymore…

*Good to know Billy painted it too*

Owen: Can we stop and get ice cream?

Kurt: Sure, if you want TRAUMA SPRINKLES on it, because daddy just had a dose of that!

Henry: Geez, I never realized the well was this far away! Gold made it there in no time in the season finale!

Greg: *Drops down from tree* HA! I caught you magic creature!

Greg: Oh, wait; you’re just a boring kid, never mind.

Henry: You’re looking for magic?

Greg: I wasn’t looking for- what are we talking about?

Henry: Look me in the eye and say you weren’t looking for magic.

Greg: I wasn’t looking for magic

Greg: Now go do devious things and I won't tell your parents about it.

Henry: Yeah, and I won't tell our possibly corrupt system (for all you know) that you weren’t up to anything devious either

Henry: Sure! Taking a picture of my ID tag isn't creepy at all!

Greg: I wasn’t!

Henry: I heard the click!

Greg: Must’ve been a squirrel.

Greg: *Is whistling innocently*

Greg: Is he still looking?

Henry: Huh. That was weird.

Baelfire: So…let me get this straight…my dad and Regina came in here and drained this cave full of everything…and you have dynamite in here and there’s…no guard?