Once Upon A Time: Abridged: 218 - Selfless, Brave, and True Part 3

Pinocchio: Hey Mr. Drago- Oh….you’re not home?

*Is winded*

Pinocchio: Man, I need to start getting back in shape and –

Dragon: ?

Pinocchio: Hey….you!

Dragon: That lady friend of yours left her photo here that’s supposed to hint at a backstory. I don’t know whether to throw it out, put it on the dartboard, or give it to my assistant so that he can tell his family he has a girlfriend.

Dragon: Anyway, here’s that potion you wanted.

Pinocchio: Eeeek!

Pinocchio: Wow…you did it, man! pound it!

Pinocchio: Or…take this money, that’s good too.

Pinocchio: Hmph! Silly loving family members!

Dragon: Dartboard it is.

Pinocchio: Why do I smell corn nuts? That’s random!

Dragon: Now, you wouldn’t be cheating someone out of their possibly needed potion, would you?

Pinocchio: Nooooo

Dragon: Because doing something horrible for a quick fix out of the consequences of doing horrible things sort of…defeats the purpose, don’t you think?

Pinocchio: *Isn’t listening* Oh man…what did I eat last night?

Dragon: You cheapskate, these are CANADIAN!

Pinocchio: They run the same rate.

Pinocchio: *Is winded again* How is going downstairs HARDER?!

Pinocchio: Well, Tamara can’t possible know that her package is gone now, and she can’t possibly guess I’ll come back here! I have time to hang out!

Tamara: Hey thief! You left your drink behind! And I bought it for you!! I’ll give it back to you once I ram it straight up your-

Pinocchio: Hey…*Tries to remember name* Tiffany. Quick! What’s that over there?

Pinocchio: *Bolts* AHHHHHH!

*Slams shin against table*

*Reacts like most of us when we slam our shin against something*

Tamara: If this is bothering you this badly, how exactly is it that you went as long as you did in Storybrooke without being detected?!

Tamara: *Is huffy*

Pinocchio: Waaaahhhhh! My attempts to steal from what I believe is a cancer patient didn’t work!

Pinocchio: I’m gonna sleep here tonight!

Tamara: Wh- What’s up with what you are? I can’t…I can’t even look! I can’t even deal!

Tamara: *Is forcing herself to look*

Tamara: You’ve looked better.

Tamara: I think you’ve put on weight…

Pinocchio: Well you look…old.

Tamara: Why are you surrounded by like…cups and stuff? How does your body do the functions it’s supposed to once things go in?

Pinocchio: Okay clearly the writers didn’t think about that. ‘Clearly the writers didn’t think’ is something that’ll be used quite often with this last half of the episode.

Tamara: How does everything not warp in there?

Pinocchio: Stop enjoying this! And how did you get into town!

Pinocchio: Are you a fairy tale character?

Tamara: No, I’m human.

Pinocchio: Are you like….Wendy or Tinkerbelle or Fiona or Jasmine, or Pocahontas…

Tamara: I don’t HAVE an alternate identify!

Pinocchio: Not buying it.

Tamara: Not caring. You’re about to have NO identity if you keep interfering with my ambiguous plans.

Pinocchio: I liked you better when you were spazzy.

Tamara: and I liked you better when you didn’t look like a walking abomination but life comes with all sorts of disappointments.

Pinocchio: *Is sad*

Tamara: Well, I want you to leave Storybrooke. I don’t…know why. It’s later revealed that I’m not a big fan of magical creatures and you tried to screw me over. Maybe it’s because you have a motorbike.

Pinocchio: Hey! You’re the fiancé! Snow White told me all about you. I’d repeat it but she ships Bae and Emma and so she called you all sorts of nasty names behind your back.

Tamara: Oh don’t worry about Neal, he knows nothing. Which is something I gleefully tell everyone as often as I can.

Pinocchio: Are you finished monologue and hinting all your plans even though you have no reason to do so? Why couldn’t you just burn my trailer house down if you were worried about me exposing you or something?

Tamara: You know what? That vial is still back in my apartment in New York. You can have some of it….if you believe me.

Tamara: Don’t worry about blending in. It’s New York.

Pinocchio: Well, I see no reason not to trust you even though you’ve just hinting you’re up to no good and want me out of town so I can’t warn everyone!

Tamara: Just take the keys, Pinocchio!

Pinocchio: Wait! You never told me your address!

*It’s not cool that Greg gets a way cooler door opening sequence then Emma ever did*

Greg: Why can’t you just knock, like everyone else who wants to know my secret identity?

*Is packing heat*

Regina: I remember who you are! You’re the kid that wouldn’t let me kidnap him!

Greg: From what I hear of Hansel, Gretel, and Henry, you’re going to have to be WAY more specific.

Regina: I held onto it like all the trophies of my victims!

Greg: Um…no. You coming to my hotel room and trying to feel me up while reminiscing of my childhood is NOT okay!

Regina: *Is trying to look sad* Don’t you want to be my son?

Greg: I’m looking for my dad!

Regina: What are you going to do if I don’t tell you where he is? Look sad and cry over a keychain?!

Regina: Oooo! So scary!
Greg: Better than looking sad and crying on every other surface

Regina: Anyway, I don’t know where he is. You wasted your time. Guess he just randomly disappeared. Probably didn’t want to be a dad after he saw you reject me or something.

Greg: Seriously? I know you’re lying! Why can’t you just tell me the truth? Why- why are you making this more angsty for everyone? I mean…is it spite? Is this really spite because I didn’t want you for a mom at TEN YEARS OLD?!

Regina: To be honest, I sort of forgot you had a dad until you just reminded me. My memory says that you overpowered Graham and drove out of town until we stopped you. I wondered why that never made sense

Regina: Also, I wouldn’t want something bad to happen to you if you got in my way.

Regina: Just be a shame, is what I’m saying.

Greg: GREAT potential mother material there! Can’t wait to see what you do to Henry when he’s old enough to call you out on your lies. Oh wait, he already does!

Snow: The best thing about being me instead of Mary Margaret is that I always wear the right shoes for outdoor traversing.

Emma: Are we there yet?

Snow: We’ll get there when we get there! Now be quiet until a relevant story is about you!

Emma: *Is looking to cause some trouble* Hey wanna know a relevant storyline about me that has to do with Geppetto? That magical wardrobe that could fit only one could really fit two!

Snow: Did you say something Emma?

Geppetto: Whoa! Before you get mad, I’d like to bring up that you had just given birth and your husband was a walking pincushion when the guards were attacking! Pinocchio just sort of…fell in…

Geppetto: As I pushed him.

Emma: Way to entrust a six year old with being the protector of a baby!

Snow: Well, we’re going to take care of this right now…let me get into position.

Geppetto: For what?

Snow: *Rips hat of Geppetto’s head*

*Smacks him with it.*

Emma: Mary Momgret! Nice aim!

Snow: WHAT?!

Emma: I said ‘for shame!’

Snow: I….hit somebody! I never did that before!

Snow: Because apparently as of this scene, I’m a rational thinker 24/7, even when someone tells me that they had everyone lie to us and put Pinocchio in the wardrobe instead of one of us to protect the savior, I’m supposed to just be okay with it and know I would’ve done the same! Even if Emma grew up abused and neglected because no one was there to take care of her!

Snow: Wait! I’m angry again! *Is pounding fist in hand* Back up, Geppetto!

Geppetto: *Is terrified*

Snow: I would’ve done the same for my daughter! Except this goes completely against me having faith that things will always work out and how I didn’t want to leave or put my daughter in the wardrobe until the last possible second!

Geppetto: Eh? So it’s wrong to get angry and lash out now?

Snow: I guess.

Geppetto: What is HAPPENING to our characters?

Emma: Couldn’t we save this drama for when we get to the trailer a few yards away and I confronted August about him stealing my money and abandoning me and we could’ve double teamed them?

Snow: Easy Emma, who said I was done with Geppetto yet?

Emma: Something tells me that I will NOT get closure for this.

Geppetto: Maybe he’s in the shower!

Pinocchio: I can barely sit without trouble! How am I supposed to drive in New York traffic?

Dragon: *Is singing* It’s a beautiful mornin’!

Dragon: I wonder if clothes hanging everywhere are an accurate portrayal of Hong Kong.

Tamara: You charged me out the nose. Why can’t you afford your own washer and dryer?

Dragon: Because washing my clothes gives my assistant more things to do then bugging me about his raise.

Dragon: I heard about you beating up your drinking buddy in an alleyway. Again.

Tamara: Yeah, that usually happens when they piss me off and steal from me. Good thing my taser was on recharge from all the magical creatures I murdered earlier yesterday or else August would be dead.

Dragon: But it’s not like you can’t afford it, I mean you blew 10,000 dollars on something you didn’t even need because you’re a lying liar that lies.

Tamara: Yeah….about that….

Tamara: I had this examined with sophisticated technology! And it must be really sophisticated because I’ve only had ahold of this thing for like…a few hours. And it examined every liquid in the world and it doesn’t exist!

Tamara: You’re magic and from another world.

Dragon: Or I invented a new element and am Tony Stark.

Tamara: *Is fangirling*

Tamara: Hm….

Tamara: Hmmmmmm.

Tamara: You can’t fool me! You’re magic!

Dragon: I COULD be Iron Man…

Dragon: But I bet Iron Man wouldn’t get the completely random ending that I’m about to get.

Dragon: Bump it!

Tamara: Okay…

*Uh oh, Dragon got into the hot wings again*

Dragon: I’m pretty sure I could take you down in this form…but I think I’m going to show off.

Tamara: Great. A showy hero is way worse than a monologing villain.

Dragon: *Is flapping his arms*

Dragon: I’m not on wires!

Tamara: TASED!

Dragon: Oh hey, I can tell you don’t have cancer, but I can’t tell that the taser isn't all it’s cracked up to be!

Dragon: *Is dead*

Tamara: Huh….

Tamara: Well that was anticlimactic.

*Is swerving all over the place*

Pinocchio: Her top 5 radio stations suck!

Pinocchio: *Checks self out in a reflection* IS THAT WHAT I LOOK LIKE?!

*Is swerving even more now.*

Pinocchio: I can’t look at myself like this for over four hours!

Pinocchio: EMMA! Why aren’t you in the one place that you’ve barely been ALL SEASON!

Pinocchio: Rotary phones and wooden fingers!

Emma: Hey, when did I get an assistant?

Pinocchio: *Crawls out from under the desk for old time's sake* Hey Emma! You still sound sexy!

Emma: …..I just remembered how creepy you were.

Pinocchio: Oh….I didn’t catch you following me in…*Is awkward*

Pinocchio: I know you killed the Dragon! I remember because I went there to beg him for a second chance or antidote or something….

Dragon: Hm…now this is a weird choice for a camera angle…oh hey Woody, there you are. My nose itches….could you…

Dragon: Oh, thank you!

Pinocchio: Oh, better clear out and let the assistant take the blame.

Pinocchio: You killed the Dragon! I sort of should’ve put it together when you showed up at the trailer probably…

Tamara: You’re still a lot faster on the uptake than Neal is. Once I even wore a shirt that said ‘I’m Evil’ and he looked at me and said

Baelfire: So’s my dad!

Tamara: And went about his day.

Pinocchio: His dad is Rumpelstiltskin and he will mess you up!

Pinocchio: I should know! Once he nearly messed me up for…um…pretending I was Bae for a spontaneous Halloween party.

Pinocchio: I just realized that I knew Bae’s feelings about his dad and exploited that to his dad while his father had a breakdown…Hm. Maybe I should’ve added ‘and your dad really loves you’ on that postcard.