Once Upon A Time: Abridged: 218 - Selfless, Brave, and True Part 2

*Geez, did Tamara bring bagels for the whole town?*

Tamara: That truth serum will kick in at any time now!

Baelfire: *Nom* *Nom* *Nom*

Henry: So…are you guys going to move to the other side of the world and be happy and not have to deal with any of us ever again except for the occasional postcard?

Tamara: Aw! He’s so precious!

Henry: *Is not amused* I wasn’t joking

Tamara: I can’t wait to shove you in a portal you little terror. I mean…

Tamara: I can’t believe you used to date this guy and he sent you to prison! You used to tell me that he was a paragon of human virtue when we were dating!

Baelfire: Well…honey, you have to be careful with your hearing, because I never said that…

Tamara: You also said there wasn’t anyone else before we started dating!

Emma: *Chokes on bagel from laughing too hard*

Baelfire: Really? I don’t…I don’t remember that!

Tamara: You said it every date!

Emma: Funny, he said the same thing to me too…and then his dad called me up and told me all about Morraine and Wendy.

Tamara: Who are Morraine and Wendy?

Baelfire: *Is starting to crawl over the couch to escape this conversation*

Baelfire: Oh look at that! Bagel time’s over!

Emma: *Is having fun* I didn’t know there was a set time of day for bagels!

Baelfire: Well there is!

Tamara: Aw! Look, they’re doing family stuff!

Baelfire: Come back and get your book! I didn’t want to have to explain to Tamara what we are NOW!

Tamara: So do you read to him at night and tuck him in too?

Baelfire: Apparently my father does….Emma claims he just walks up to Henry’s…partition and doesn’t even knock. Just…strolls in and starts reading bedtime stories.

Tamara: Isn’t he a bit old for that.

Baelfire: Nonsense Tamara! You’re never too old to find out your grandparents are Snow White, Prince Charming and Rumpelstiltskin!

Tamara: Huh?

Baelfire: Yeah, that was smooth!

Baelfire: *Throws in lap* So…we’re all fairy tale creatures here, and we all exist and so does Frankenstein, and the Mad Hatter, and Star Wars MIGHT exist too….but not Shrek’s world, because he’s a punk….

Baelfire: That’s me!

Tamara: Get a haircut! I hardly recognized you!

Baelfire: Don’t make light of my fluffy head! That was the fashion back then, okay?

Baelfire: Look at that face! I was a cute little booger, wasn’t I?

Tamara: ….

Baelfire: Good talk! I don’t think that could’ve gone better~!

Tamara: SERIOUSLY?!

Baelfire: Hey! Now what’s wrong?

Tamara: This is because you like Emma! Isn’t it?

Baelfire: If I liked Emma over you, I’d be like ‘Hey Emma, I dig you! I’m gonna break up with Tamara’. Because I’m not complicated like that!

Tamara: But you could NEVER tell me about this sooner?

Baelfire: Yeah I’m…I’m bad at communication.

Tamara: Seriously! The guy I had to fight off with a hollow candy cane Christmas decoration in the storage shed is more entertaining than you when you get like this! Thanks for warning me about him by the way!

Baelfire: Like Hook has fangirls.

Pinocchio: Stupid sound stage. I wish I lived at Game of Thrones where they take you to places on-location. That world seems real swell.

Pinocchio: So you’re leading me up to an apartment behind an alleyway and wont’ tell me much…think this is gonna come back and haunt me at all?

Assistant: I’ll give you paperwork to fill out. We only take PPO insurance, Medicaid, Medicare, and Chips. If you have none of those then you might as well turn around and leave right now.

Pinocchio: For a ‘dragon’ he could certainly use someone to straighten up his blinds…

Pinocchio: And I’d kill for a Highlights magazine…

Assistant: Ehhhhhhhh….you with the disguise. Take off the glasses with the fake nose and mustache, the dragon wants to look at your real face.

Tamara: *Is covertly taking pictures of everyone in the room*

*Now I’m starting to think they’re showing us food porn on purpose.*

Regina: HI, I’m the mayor.

Greg: N-no you’re not. When did you get reinstated?

Regina: Can I sit here?

Greg: Nnooooooo. This is ‘alone’ pie. And you can’t eat it together.

Regina: Perfect! I’ve had a lot of that ‘alone’ pie over the years.

Greg: I’d believe it.

Regina: So…you seem oddly familiar.

Greg: I’m not familiar because I’ve never been here before and I have not been following all of you around documenting your magical abilities! And since I’m not documenting your abilities, I shouldn’t have to tell all of you that you DON”T need to hide it more. Because I did NOT see a giant running past my window!

Regina: You’re too normal. I don’t like you in my town.

Greg: Good thing this isn’t a monarchy, huh?

Regina: *Fake laughs because she thinks it’s a joke*

Greg: *Is pretending to be oblivious to annoy her*

Regina: Fine! Whatever! This is a stupid game anyway!

Snow: Why are you walking around freely?

Regina: Why are you still alive?

Regina: Because I keep failing to kill you, that’s why!

Emma: I heard all that! I just chose not to do anything. Hey, I didn’t know you were out of bed!

Snow: When I wanted some mom/daughter bonding time, you said you had sheriff’s work to do!

Emma: Whoa! Whoa! I AM doing important sheriff work! It’s called donut time!

Geppetto: Emma came over here and told me that she thought there might be a relevant storyline coming soon and she asked if she could hang out.

Snow: Sit back there and be quiet Geppetto! I promised Pinocchio you wouldn’t know he was alive! Oh wait…whoops!

Snow: Me and my big yap…

Emma: We better find him so that he can haunt our nightmares!

Geppetto: Hey! I’m not done with lunch yet!

Tamara: Good thing Emma has tunnel vision….

Pinocchio: I wish I had any sort of magazine…

*Stares for five minutes*

Pinocchio: I really should ask her out….

Assistant: Hey, Woody! You’re next!

Pinocchio: What about the people in front of me?

Pinocchio: You’re the…most…human dragon I’ve ever seen.

Dragon: I’m allergic to the green screen suit. Makes me break out in scales.

Pinocchio: So are you like….Mushu?

Pinocchio: You know the little dragon in Mulan who’s as big as my leg?

Dragon: No. I am not Mushu.

Pinocchio: You could be!

Pinocchio: My bad, I showed you the wrong leg, didn’t I?

Dragon: HAHAHAHAHA! You must’ve frigged up bad! And if magic doesn’t work outside of Storybrooke, how are you being affected?

Pinocchio: ….

Pinocchio: The Blue Fairy is a real cow….

Dragon: I dated her once.

Pinocchio: The Blue Fairy and Mushu went out?

Dragon: I am not Mushu!

Pinocchio: Can I mean your George Takei sounding ancestor you work for?

Dragon: You know what? It’s going to cost you 10,000 dollars now.

Pinocchio: *Is sad* If I had that sort of money, I’d just get my leg amputated!

Dragon: Now THAT I can do with a saw for free!

Pinocchio: I have this necklace. It COULD be worth 10,000 dollars once I start my band and become famous.

Dragon: You will never amount to anything on this show!

Dragon: Give it to me anyway; my granddaughter has a birthday coming up.

Pinocchio: Fine, I guess I can surrender the last thing my father gave me that links me to my identity in an attempt to atone for what I did that I’m not even sorry for…it does make it easier that my dad made it in the form of the thing that tried to kill me!

Dragon: Not impressed. Do you have anything else?

Pinocchio: How about a blonde savior?

Dragon: Another one? Like I don’t have a number of those in my back room.

Blue Fairy: Oh yes, I remember Pinocchio, wasn’t he that one boy that I gave an impossible restrictions on when it came to how he was to conduct himself?

Emma: Yeah, that sounds like him.

Blue Fairy: Well I haven’t seen him. Last I heard, he took off to a trailer home where he did nothing but get drunk.

Snow: Sounds like the good life to me.

Geppetto: My boy hasn’t been seen for 16 episodes! Can’t you try and help find him?

Blue Fairy: He’s been in EVERY episode, Geppetto. He’s just been blending in with the trees.

Geppetto: *is freaked out*

Emma: *Tries to remember if she did anything embarrassing in the woods*

*Is completely awkward*

Snow: But let’s say that he’s completely sorry for all the chaos that he put his family through hand he doesn’t want his heart to become black as coal…I mean completely wooden…and he wants to atone for what he did because if not then he’s going to be alone with his greatest enemy standing over him cackling-

Blue Fairy: WHAT are you talking about?

Snow: ….August…I thought that was obvious…

Pinocchio: Well, I’m sure if I pick enough pockets here, I’ll get that 10,000 dollars.

Pinocchio: What a stupid and slow way to go!

Tamara: Heeeyyyyyy yooooouuuuuuuuu!

Pinocchio: Sweet! That wall over there has a fish tank!

Assistant: Don’t you steal from her!

Pinocchio: What are YOU doing here?

Tamara: What are the chances that we knew each other’s faces and met in the exact same doctor’s office, and then later met in the exact same area, in the exact same bar, next to the exact same aquarium! *Squees*

Pinocchio: My father always said; watch out for people more happy than Happy.

Tamara: *Beams*

Pinocchio: Well, it was nice seeing you, I’m going to go now….

Tamara: I’ll buy drinks!

Pinocchio: *Sidles up*

Tamara: I have a budget…which means I can't dip into the thousands of dollars I keep in his unsealed envelope that I've inexplicably showed you.

Pinocchio: *Money signs are appearing in eyes*

Pinocchio: No one gets more trustworthy than me!

Tamara: So, what are you in for?

Pinocchio: I got wood.

Tamara: ….

Tamara: *Is sizing him up*

Pinocchio: Impressed?

Tamara: I’ll pass. I might, but I have 8 different cancers, 3 different bone diseases, my muscles are deteriorating, and my hair and teeth are falling out and I have restless leg syndrome

Pinocchio: Wow, you got a crap lot in life. It's almost unbelievable!

Tamara: Too bad something MAGIC couldn’t help me; do you know anything that could?

Pinocchio: No, nothing that would require me to face my actions and myself at all and whatever solution I Might know about certainly doesn’t wear a corset or leather pants