218 - Selfless, Brave, and True Part 1

*Rumple’s Vacation house is getting some lovin’*

 

*Rumple’s getting some lovin'*

 

*Fans know that no matter who that is, the wrong character is topless*

 

Pinocchio: Whoa! Morning wood!

 

Pinocchio: Oh man! This is…I never thought it’d be like this when I finally turned into a man!

 

Pinocchio: Hey! Hey! Honey, guess what!? The BEST thing is happening to me right now! I’m turning into a man!

 

Isra: Is that what your excuse was for that disappointment last night! And you claim to be Mr. Gold’s son!

 

Pinocchio: Oh. My. GLOB! It’s woodening even more! I think I should consult my doctor! Because I don’t think it’s my leg that’s supposed to be doing this!

 

Pinocchio: ISRA! You made me paint this wallpaper to look like a beach when we’re in the city! The least you can do is check out my gams!

 

Isra: Zzzzzz

 

Pinocchio: Someone doesn’t care about me? I don’t think I like that!

 

Charming: I wish someone would serve me breakfast in bed…I wish I could have a backstory too but no one cares…

 

Snow: Shut up Charming! Give me my waffles!

 

Emma: Um…are those the flowers you nicked of Johanna’s grave?

 

Charming: NOT SO LOUD, YOU’RE GOING TO DISTURB YOUR MOTHER!

 

Emma: Hey! That’s my omelet! You took it when I wasn’t looking!

 

Charming: I-it looked better than mine, okay? You can cook another one since you’re so good at it!

 

Charming: You know what? Fine! Take it! Explain to your mother why she won't get most important meal of the day!

 

Snow: Just sleep, they’ll go away, and I don’t have to deal with this cabin fever nonsense!

 

Henry: Are you guys fighting? Cause I think that’s a sure fire sign I Need to move out and go live with grandpa!

 

Emma: See what you did? You took my omelet and now Henry’s practically packing his bags to move out! Thanks a lot, dad!

 

Charming: Wait…why am “I” the bad guy!?

 

Charming: *Is considering locking it so that they can’t get in*

 

Charming: Now I’ll just stand here and brace it real good in case Emma kicks it down….

 

Snow: How much fruit do I need in this kitchen? Oh well, I’ll stick to canned food on my camping trip!

 

Charming: Look! I made you an omelet~!

 

Snow: You mean Emma’s omelet?

 

Charming: Well, someone’s going to have to eat it and I’m lactose intolerant.

 

Snow: No thanks, let it rot!

 

Charming: *Puppy eyes* But…breakfast is the most important meal of the day!

 

Snow: The most important rule of the day is whatever I deem it to be.

 

Charming: Why don’t “I” ever get to ‘deem’ anything?!

 

Emma: Why does this sort of look like a green screen for Granny’s?

 

Baelfire: BUDDY!

Henry: *Henryglare*

Baelfire: *Is frozen in place.*

 

Baelfire: ….

 

Baelfire: *Backs away slowly*

 

Henry: I wanted you to tell me what it was like over there. Although I could ask anyone and I presumably just want to hear it from you…and that’s what I want you think. But know this…any misstep and I’ll know you’re a fraud my ex mom has the keys to where you sleep…

 

Emma: Ignore him; he makes threats like that to me when I came here all the time as well.

 

Baelfire: Here kid, take some money and get us some drinks…and don’t add arsenic in there this time for mine. I know what it tastes like now.

 

Emma: Great. Now you just challenged him. I’m going to do something important and sheriff like. One of you text me when the smoke clears, okay?

 

Baelfire: Oh well…you should know that Tamara’s on her way. And she can be a little

 

Baelfire: *Makes crazy gesture* Loose in the screws.

 

Emma: So, she’ll fit in.

 

Baelfire: Yeah, well sometimes when we’re asleep, she’ll have these weird dreams and she’ll wake up and start slamming me with a pillow and calling me ‘magical creature’ and telling me to die so…not sure how she’s going to take being in the town.

 

Emma: Oooo, that’s gotta burn.

 

Emma: How did she take you having a son?

 

Baelfire: *Shrugs* Writers didn’t see fit to have us have that conversation and establish a bond!

 

Baelfire: Oh man…and Hook’s gone from the storage unit too, I should’ve probably warned her about him.

 

Emma: Eh, he’ll probably make a few threats, ad few remarks and if she doesn’t want to jump his bones, she’ll kick him down to his lady lover, the floor.

 

Baelfire: Wait…which option did YOU choose?

 

Emma: What? What do you mean, ‘what option did I choose?’. I stopped flirting with all of you once I learned you guys were all decades to centuries older than me! I wouldn’t…flirt with yo- HIM! Him! I wouldn’t flirt with him!

 

Baelfire: *Accidently checks out*

 

Emma: WHAT WAS THAT?!

 

Baelfire: *Flails* Nothing! Nothing!

 

Emma: Careful Neal! Don’t have a seizure!

 

Baelfire: I need Tamara!

 

Emma: You need the woman that you’re going to marry one day in the town with you where your son and father are? Get out! You do realize that people are going to rag on you for hurting my feelings, right?

 

Baelfire: *Hangs head in shame* D’oh! I can’t do anything right!

 

Baelfire: Oh hey, it’s Tamara! She’s texting and driving! She’s so cute! *Starts talking about girlfriend*

 

Emma: *Is trying to sneak out*

 

Baelfire: So Emma, would you like to meet Henry’s future stepmom?

 

Emma: Nowhere! I wasn’t going nowhere!

 

Baelfire: Huh?

 

Emma: Huh?

 

Snow: Eat it, Robin Hood! You’ll never be on this show!

 

Pinocchio: OMGZ! WATCH YOURSELF!

 

Snow: Wait…that…smell of Pine-sol is distinctly familiar!

 

Snow: I’ve never seen tree sap trail like blood before….*Pulls out knife* Must be a beast most foul and I’m in the mood to slay one of those today!

 

Snow: Curses! The creature most foul destroyed my lucky arrow…

 

Snow: *Is not in the mood for this today*

 

*Where on earth did this come from?*

 

Snow: Sweet! Charming and I might’ve found ourselves a new place to live!

 

Snow: No…no…it can’t be…

 

Pinocchio: Nice shooting, moron….I’m Pinocchio.

 

Snow: *Is crying* So long good dreams! It was nice knowing you!

 

*Emma’s birthday is in October for those of you that don’t know*

 

Pinocchio: This is going to be so embarrassing. I feel absolutely horrified.

 

Orderly: August W. “Pretentious Name” Booth!

 

Pinocchio: That’s me! And I wish they’d stop adding in little names to everyone.

Doctor: …..

 

Pinocchio: Well, what do you think? Impressive, right?

 

Doctor: Not really. I was expecting something…remarkable…

 

Pinocchio: *Is trying not to cry* B-but they said in TV to call your doctor if things like his last up to four hours! I spent four hours in the waiting room!

 

Pinocchio: I’m not sure that’s the leg that the television was talking about. Now can you please leave? I have another 3 day shift to conduct- What are you doing?

 

Pinocchio: This scalpel knows what’s up!

 

Doctor: OH MY GOD! *Is hyperventilating*

 

Pinocchio: What? I come in here talking about something you can’t see, stab myself, and you don’t believe me?!

 

August* Is running* I haven’t liked hospitals since Silent Hill, anyway!

 

Assistant: THROAT CHOP!

 

Assistant: Stay quiet! They won’t think to look for you in on of the only possible doors you could’ve gone in!

 

Pinocchio: *Is barely speaking* I can’t breathe!

 

Assistant: Good! Most like you like- what are you doing?

Pinocchio: Stay back or I’ll take you out with my killer moves!

 

Pinocchio: *Goes to Karate chop door but stops at the last minute*

 

Pinocchio: I could’ve reduced that door to dust but I didn’t because I didn’t want to pay for damages!

 

Assistant: I know someone…who can help with the problems that…no one believes you about!

 

Pinocchio: Have you been reading my medical records, brah?

 

Assistant: Ye-….no!

 

Snow: ….

Pinocchio: Have I stopped freaking you out yet?

Snow: ….

 

Pinocchio: I don’t see what the big deal is…Gepettos parents are creepier than I am!

Snow: Yeah, but at least they don’t talk or move around!

 

Pinocchio: …..at least not when you guys are looking at them.

 

Snow: I’ll choose not to think about that. I’ll chose to focus on the way you are like you are because of all the mistakes you made until you turned into an abomination of nature. Because I’m SURE it has nothing to do with my current storyline.

 

Pinocchio: Well…it all started when I abandoned your kid to go on merry adventures with the orphans from the foster home!

 

Snow: Let’s skip past that part and get to where you help set up my daughter and when Neal thought you were going to take care of her, stabbed her in the back and ran off with the money!

 

Pinocchio: Nah, let’s not focus on that! That’s a silly story!

 

Snow: Thanks to you, Emma was alone and pregnant with no home, no job, and no one to help her care for a child, so she had to give it up!

 

Snow: I’m going to use you for kindling.

 

Pinocchio: *Things just got awkward*

 

Snow: And hey….unless Regina can leave the town, there’s no way Rumpelstiltskin could’ve gone out and acquired a baby for her or had it brought into town! Did you have something to do with that too?

 

Pinocchio: It’s been theorized…

 

Snow: My daughter has trust issues because of you and Neal!

 

Pinocchio: ….

 

Pinocchio: I blame Neal more…

 

Snow: And how did you know he was Baelfire!?

 

Pinocchio: Season 3 presumably…season 3….

 

Snow: I’m telling your dad!

 

Pinocchio: You can’t tell my dad! He’ll be disappointed in me! Look at me! I’m not married, got no job, living out in the woods in a trailer home and I’ve never given him grandchildren! That I’m aware of!

Snow: Don’t sit this close to me!

 

Snow: I’m sure there are more disappointments if you think harder!

Pinocchio: No…I think that’s it!

 

Snow: *Is clenching her jaw* As you wish, then.

 

Pinocchio: Hey, you know what I’ll do if you tell my dad?

 

Pinocchio: Stand over you looking like this!

 

Snow: ….

 

Snow: *Will never sleep again*