Once Upon A Time: Abridged: 116 - Millers Daughter Part 1

*Looks like my dad at my school plays*

Cora: Daaad, what are you doing?

Cora’s Dad: It’s Superbowl Sunday!

Cora: It’s ALWAYS Superbowl Sunday! You always do this when I turn my back! *Goes on a rant*

Cora’s Dad: *Remembered why he started drinking in the first place*

Cora: This is EXACTLY why our hamster left! Now I’m going to deliver the flour to the castle. You just lay here and think about what you did.

Cora’s Dad: Oh, I plan to.

Cora: Ugh, rich people *Glares*

*Oh yay! Wine Goblet Head is back!*

Eva: And where’s the arena for the gladiators to fight for the death?

Xavier: We don’t…we don’t have one of those….

Eva: Pity….not making many points for me.

Henry: Dad! How do I look in these stilts?

Xavier: She’ll NEVER know how short you really are until it’s too late my son.

Cora: Little help?!

Eva: Let me….lighten the load a little bit

Eva: *Grabs Cora’s arm and flips her*

Cora: AIEEEEEE!

Eva: Klutz! You tripped!

Wine Goblet Head: Grumpy expy behind me, seize her immediately!

Xavier: Ugh, Leopold’s dad doesn’t have to worry about this drama!

Eva: She ruined my shoes! Off with her head!

Henry: I…don’t do very well at the sight of blood, can’t we just fine her?

Eva: You’re no fiancé of mine!

Xavier: See what you did?! Now I got to start all over because no one wants Henry!

Cora: I don’t care! She tripped me!

Xavier: …..

Henry: ….

Eva: …..

Xavier: Did you just sass me?

Cora: Oh geez, I just remembered you’re royalty. I am SO sorry!

Xavier: You better be glad I’m laid back or something because if you did that to anyone else, you’d probably be thrown in the dungeon or killed. Any other king would.

Cora: Can’t I just apologize and get this done with?

Xavier: Well King George might not, but he’s a friggin’ hippie.

Xavier: Well make the tears work girl because we need Eva’s millions!

Cora: I’m sorry and stuff.

Eva: No immediate execution? I’m…never coming here again!

Henry: Yeah, I get that whole ‘I’m a laid back king who could have you killed’ speech when I sass him too.

*How is it cloaked?*

Baelfire: Stop trying to drive us into icebergs Henry! Your mom and my dad aren’t going to profess their love for each other on the sinking stern!

Henry: Don’t tell me what to do!

Rumpelstiltskin: How come I don’t get the captain’s quarters?!

Emma: Boy, you should be up there. Henry and Bae are bonding real nice

Rumpelstiltskin: Here to gloat about how you broke my heart?

Emma: Well I’m certainly not in here to crawl in and cuddle with you.

Rumpelstiltskin: Shame as I’m ripe for the cuddle taking but I wouldn’t expect anything more from the woman who cheated on me with my son before we even met.

Emma: I’m not sure I was ever officially with you completely willingly.

Rumpelstiltskin: Oh, I know you wanted all this, and if it wasn’t for Bae and it being weird and all, you’d be all over me.

Emma: I’m pretty sure I wouldn’t.

Rumpelstiltskin: Whatever you have to tell yourself to get through the day. So…how about that whole talking me into trusting your parents and it completely backfiring? Because I don’t mean to bash on those that make the attempt but uh…

Rumpelstiltskin: Way to go.

Emma: Is this the slowest poison in the world too? Because I would expect you to be a lot more quiet.

Rumpelstiltskin: Seems like it. Leave it to Killian to muck that up too.

Rumpelstiltskin: Also it makes me really snarky too, so you better watch yourself.

Emma: Oh good, it’s been awhile since I got in a war of wits with you. *Honestly could do without that.*

Snow: Yes Emma, I managed to buy all the apples to avoid Regina doing the exact same thing she always does and sleep curse us.

Snow: How are we talking? There aren’t any water towers in the ocean!

Cora: GRAVITY! *Knocks off table*

Regina: Mother! I don’t have minions anymore! I gotta pick it up myself now!

Cora: I’m not wicked!

Regina: I’m pretty sure this episode establishes that you know you are and are very aware of it.

Cora: *Pouts*

Regina: Well this gets in the way my plans of forcing Rumpelstiltskin to murder everyone and somehow make Henry think he’s totally responsible even though he carries a flame for Emma and Snow and likes to make Charming the butt of his jokes.

Cora: Hey Regina, did you know this thing has a screen saver that makes his name disappear? Pretty rad…

Regina: Hey! He could be dying!

Cora: also how come this is JUST taking effect?

Cora: Oooo, I just had the coolest thought!

Cora: What if I was the dark one?

Regina: Oh, I’m surprised it took you this long to come up with that idea.

Cora: Of course that means I would have broken gross teeth, grey skin, and run around giggling and feeling up men…

Cora: it’s a rough job. Someone’s got to do it!

Regina: Well that’s perfect! Then I can have Henry! He’ll totally go for having a big evil in the family! And if it’s not Rumpelstiltskin, you’ll do, I guess.

Cora: ….

Cora: Who’s Henry?

*FRIG! Thanks for that nightmare!*

Cora: Ah, I knew if I put hot spices in that flour then eventually someone was going to run to the water closet in a dress that was my size.

Cora: Oh, they even left their mask!

Cora: Good thing it matches

Crowd: Masqeradddeee! Paper faces on parade….!

Cora: What a miserable craphole! You’d have to clean the place up to condemn it!

Henry: *Wasn’t listening* Hm?

Cora: Oh! You’re the prince! How silly of me to insult you! That means we belong together!

Henry: Well not now, since you insulted my house!

Cora: Materialistic, that figures.

Cora: I’m Cora!

Henry: You do know that you’re standing in the spot where my dad made that little flour girl grovel. The palace is talking all about it. Several girls have even gotten down there and mocked her.

Cora: I’m that little flour girl!

Henry: Oh so you want to play too? Well you’d have to beat Eva’s rendition! She did a chipmunk voice that was particularly entertaining!

Cora: How DARE- *tries to slap*

Henry: *Thinks they’re dancing*

Henry: Oh! Hi dad! I didn’t see you there…mostly because my normal gaze goes right over your head.

Xavier: The ones that get shoved 5^th in line to be king are the ones that make the height cracks!

Xavier: How do you know how to dance?

Cora: Youtube.

Cora: How goes the son whoring?

Xavier: I wouldn’t be so self-righteous about that, Cora. Aren’t you banking on me whoring out my son so you can come here and whore yourself out for a better lot in life?

Xavier: Also I knew who you were by the straw in your dress!

Cora: That is sort of big, I have no idea how I missed that.

Cora: Let’s see, how to make myself NOT to look like an idiot for letting that giant stalk be on my dress…

Cora: It’s pocket money…I can turn straw into gold you know.

Xavier: Please, I’ve seen your house. Why would you even need to work if you could do that?

Cora: I never said I was SMART about it!

*Is confidant she told him off*

Cora: *Is trying to look haughty* Ugh, rich people.

Xavier: Wait! This hasn’t backfired spectacularly yet!

Xavier: Hey everyone! I have my new standup comedian here! She just told me a great joke! Go on; tell them what you told me!

Cora: Um…. A very successful lawyer parked his brand-new Lexus in front of his office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he got out, a truck passed too close and completely tore off the door on the driver’s side of the Lexus. The counselor immediately grabbed his cell phone, dialed 911, and within minutes a policeman pulled up. Before the officer had a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer started screaming hysterically. His Lexus, which he had just picked up the day before, was now completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter what the body shop did to it. When the lawyer finally wound down from his ranting and raving, the officer shook his head in disgust and disbelief. ”I can’t believe how materialistic you lawyers are,” he said. ”You are so focused on your possessions that you don’t notice anything else. Don’t you know that your left arm is missing from the elbow down? It must have been torn off when the truck hit you.” The lawyer looked down and screamed, “My Rolex! My Rolex!”

*Crowd starts laughing*

Xavier: You’re my new court jester! That’s your room up there! With all the straw that you told me you could turn into gold! So either you’re my new comedian or my new financer. Take your pick!

Cora: *Hisses*

Xavier: *Is freaked out*

Xavier: If you pick the financer part, I’ll stick you with my kid. That way I’ll get laughs somehow.

Cora: I….really need to start thinking things through more.

Rumpelstiltskin: I ordered a waiting hospital bed with a nurse and a seven course meal!

Red: Yeah…I told that to Granny and she thought I was joking…

Rumpelstiltskin: Now don’t trip and drop me or something Charming, since it’s pretty much your fault that Hook got away to attack me (Twice) AND you lost my ‘Anyone can make me do anything’ dagger.

Baelfire: I could dance with this cane.

Henry: That’s not what it’s for! It’s for beating people! Let me show you!

Baelfire: Hi! I’m your daughter’s boy toy!

Charming: Not for long.

Charming: You’re the one that broke her heart.

Baelfire: I broke it but good!

Rumpelstiltskin: Hey! There’ll be no hot woman hugging unless it’s towards me! I’m dying here!

Rumpelstiltskin: Do I at least get shotgun?

Charming: Sorry, we agreed to throw you in the back of the truck.

Snow: You did. I was more than happy to ride in the back.

Charming: Honey! SHH! I don’t want to sit with HIM! What will everyone say! They’ll think we’re friends!

Snow: Don’t you shush me!

Charming: Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! I’m sorry Mary! I’m sorry!

Mary: Don’t MAKE me get angry again!

Charming: Just calm down, okay? Cora’s going to be here eventually and you can take your revenge then!

Mary: I better.

Emma: I brought the blankets like you ordered but before you ask, I’m not tucking you in and then crawling under them with you to make sure you’re warm.

Charming: Snow…breathe in…and breathe out….