218 - Selfless, Brave, and True

Emma: So, I think I heard him sobbing on the other end of the phone, I think that we should all just mosey on over to the sheriff’s station as slowly as possible.

 

Pinocchio: EEK!

 

Emma: That’s not the sheriff’s station!

Charming: Crappy editing!

 

Geppetto: Emma! Get your hands off my son’s rumple!

 

Emma: What the heck is THAT?!

 

Geppetto: Why is it always me that has the loved ones wooded up?!

 

Pinocchio: Dad! I love you so much and I’m sorry that I didn’t do more to screw everyone else over like Jiminy taught me!

 

*Is so terrified of the talking puppet, he’s zoned out. Was much cuter when Pinocchio was a kid*

 

Pinocchio: Also, Emma you look nice in that coat! I think it fits you quite well! The person that tried to kill me is the really really very vicious woman known as – Tamara

 

Emma: You mean Regina Tamara Mills?

 

Pinocchio: *Dies with that face*

 

Emma: Oh, that’s creepy! I can’t even deal!

 

Emma: No Geppetto! I’m not kissing that!

 

Geppetto: It’s the only way!

 

Baelfire: Oh hey guys, when did August blow into town?

 

Emma: We shall not let his death be in vain!

 

Henry: So…you’re really sticking with that line, huh?

 

Snow: Yep, he looks deader than a wooden doornail.

 

Snow: Wait a minute! We know the Blue Fairy! Where is she?!

 

Blue: Right here!

 

Snow: That’s…suddenly convenient!

 

Blue: I cannot revive him!

Snow: You didn’t have a problem reviving him in “The Stranger” by turning him into a real person!

Charming: Snow…let’s just get through this episode.

Blue: Could you all step back please? I don’t like feeling crowded!

 

Blue: *Is creeped out* Aw geez, it’s bothering me too!

 

Geppetto: What the actual frig?! I was thrilled that I missed out on his puberty! Now I gotta deal with it! 

 

Pinocchio: Yeah, I’m up. I’m up.

 

Emma: Oh so…I don’t get to kick his butt for throwing me in jail and him stealing the money. Th-that’s nice. That’s nice. *Is fuming*

 

Snow: It’s…THAT easy? Wh- why? Why can’t we do this for our enemies? Why can’t we do this to Regina? What happened to ‘what’s dead is dead?’ Why does August get rectified for everything he’s done because he did ONE good thing?

Charming: Because this is ‘Once Upon a Time’ where the villains can do one good thing every now and then for usually selfish purposes or guilt and we’re all expected to forgive them.

 

Pinocchio: Wait…where are we? What kind of technology are we surrounded by? Are we dead? Are we in the afterlife? Is this heaven? How far back does my memory go?

 

Snow: This is just too much.

Charming: *Is happy along with everyone else*

 

Baelfire: *Squees*

Tamara: If I was watching this, why couldn’t August just point at me? Or write it down?

 

Baelfire: Hey honey, did you say something?

Tamara: Was I standing here the whole time?

 

Blue: Do better this time!

 

Pinocchio: How am I supposed to remember to do better when I can’t remember the mistakes I’m supposed to have learned from?!

 

Pinocchio: Hey lady, you’re really cute, you wanna go out sometime?

 

Emma: *Is mentally crying* Some things never change I guess.

 

Charming: That’s my daughter you’re talking to!

 

Pinocchio: If you take me out for ice cream, I might remember SOMETHING.

 

Emma: So that’s how we’re going to play, is it? I think I’d rather figure it out myself. I mean, Tamara’s holding a pair of brass knuckles and glaring at you so…how hard can it be?

 

Emma: Momgret, the guy I had sexual chemistry with is now eight years old!

 

Emma: *Is crying*

Snow: There there, the guy I had sexual chemistry last year with was David Nolan

 

Baelfire: So…that was the most awkward ‘family meeting’ I’ve ever taken part in. I should know I’ve only ever participated in….one….including this one.

 

Tamara: I guess I can…support you and stuff

 

Tamara: *Evil giggles*

 

Baelfire: What was that?

 

Tamara: Sorry, I just….thought that since I’m marrying into YOUR family, I should get some practice in.

 

Baelfire: Very funny August, now give me the wheel back to my bike!

Pinocchio: Well when I come over and spend the night, don’t sneak down here and put eggs in my helmet!

 

Baelfire: What do you expect me to do when you come down here and say that my dad AND my ex are in the same town? Conspiring against me, more than likely!

 

Pinocchio: Does that mean I have permission to date her then?

 

Baelfire: You can try, but I imagine my dad’s already trying to seduce her. You have no chance.

 

Pinocchio: I do so! I have a leather jacket and a motorbike! Rumpelstiltskin can’t even wear leather pants here without looking really stupid!

 

Baelfire: I imagine he’ll find a way to pull it off. Or at least have her pull them off…you know what? I don’t want to imagine that. I’m just going to stay here. I don’t want to see my dad tell me that I have to call my ex ‘mom’ now.

 

Pinocchio: Don’t worry! I’ll be sneaky about that postcard so that Danvers doesn’t know that you’re here!

 

Tamara: These high tech hearing aides are working great!

Pinocchio: See ya later, sucker!

*Possible underwear shot for the August fans*

 

Baelfire: I hope he gets hit by a bus.

 

Tamara: Hey you!

Baelfire: Huh?

 

Tamara: *Throws coffee on herself* ZOMG! What’d you do?!

 

Baelfire: Wow that is…really transparent….um…I want to look away but I can’t…

 

Tamara: I don’t want your sweaty scarf!

 

Tamara: But I’ll take it, fine and whatever…

 

Baelfire: *Can’t look away*

 

Tamara: Aw, aren’t you somewhat compatible with me!

 

Baelfire: Wow! After I just got done talking about my ex too!

 

Emma: Well, that was a long day; I’m going to go turn on all the lights upstairs so that we can sleep with absolutely no shadows.

 

Emma: Oh wait, Henry!

 

Emma: *Slips and falls* Ow! C’mere you little termite!

 

Henry: What is it ‘step-dad traitor’?

 

Emma: I’m just sitting you down to tell you that I’m sorry I lied about your dad being a pirate and a ninja because there’s no way he’ll ever be one of those things. And your granddad will never be your stepdad, but that doesn’t mean you can’t take lessons from him. Like you already do. All the time.

 

Emma: I don’t want to be like you and Regina, but then I remember that I gotta put in a lot more mental trauma towards you before I’m like her.

 

Emma: And that makes me secretly happy.

 

Henry: I guess I can forgive you if you let me spend the weekends with Grandp-

 

Emma: I LOVE YOU TOO!

 

Henry: EW! What are you doing?! What is this love?! Let go! Let go!

 

Emma: *Is enjoying torturing her son* What? Squeeze tighter? Okay!

 

Henry: I will make you pay!

 

Charming: *Is checking himself out in the mirror*

 

Charming: *Is taking his coat off in the sexiest way possible*

 

Snow: *Is checking out* Stop it Charming! I can’t deal with you like that!

 

Charming: *Is purposefully showing off his bum* I don’t know what you’re talking about!

 

Snow: Don’t do this to me! My heart is dark and won’t be able to resist you…and…maybe this heart darkening thing isn’t so bad…

 

Charming: Tell me more about your heart darkening problem….

 

Snow: Well to hear Regina tell it, I’m going to be pure evil because of the one thing I did will apparently open up temptation that my family will never try to stop.

 

Charming: ROAR!

 

Charming: HISSSS!

 

Snow: What?!

 

Charming: I’m so sorry, that just slipped out!

 

Charming: And I can’t believe you listened to Regina of all people. Isn’t she the LEAST honest person of this show? That’s like saying you trusted Cora to watch our puppy. Or Rumpel and Hook to be in the same room with our daughter without mentally undressing her

 

Snow: So…you think I can heal.

 

Charming: Honey, I Have such a headache when you tell me these things. I wouldn’t be surprised if this storyline went nowhere.

 

Charming: But don’t worry, if you start to go off the deep end, me and my gun holster will protect you.

 

Snow: That is a nice gun holster…

 

Charming: *Glomps!*

Snow: Can’t breathe!

 

*Is squeezing the life out of her*

 

Snow: *is bored*

 

Charming: Ah! Nothing like my big ol’ bear hugs to solve everything!

Snow: *Is gasping for air*

 

Charming: Wait…shouldn’t we tell Emma?

 

Snow: Later.

 

*Remember when the creators went on interviews and said that ‘her’ wasn’t important?*

 

Greg: Hey honey, you wouldn’t believe my day. So I was eating my alone pie and my booth sanctum got violated. And then I walked to my hotel room and inside I got violated…

Greg: Oh I have to go honey, someone’s knocking.

 

Greg: Oh hey! I love our overly complicated ‘call two seconds before knocking’ chats.

 

Tamara: It’s been a crazy day! My murder didn’t say murdered, I had to meet the ex, and the kid and I’m sure the kid is shipping us more than Neal is….and I Hope you work quick because Neal’s in the shower.

 

*Are glomping*

Red: Hey! Get a room you two!

Jefferson: Completely inconsiderate!

The End

Remember how this was supposed to be August’s episode and it was really Tamara’s?