Cora: If I land on that roof hundreds of feet below, I THINK I can make it!
Rumpelstiltskin: Oh! Um…this is awkward…see I was supposed to meet a lady friend here and I was told this room would be empty…
Rumpelstiltskin: So if you could skedaddle, that’d be great.
Cora: Well that sucks about your love life but I’m going to DIE.
Rumpelstiltskin: Is that all? “I” don’t get to be a part of the “South Realm Wedding Ceremony” which involves a lot of straw for some reason….
Cora: Well, if it bothers you then I’ll be on my way. Just unlock that door and I don’t have to worry about spinning straw into gold, you’ll have it all to your freaky faced self!
Rumpelstiltskin: Did you say….
Rumpelstiltskin: Spinning straw into gold?
Rumpelstiltskin: Put this stalk between your teeth, its fun!
Rumpelstiltskin: It’s your lucky day because turning straw into gold is exactly the thing that I like to do and have been doing for hundreds of years before we met! Funny how that works out!
Cora: Oh…this is awkward….I was sort of hoping that I came up with something so ludicrous that no one could possibly take it seriously! So this is exactly what you happen to do, huh? That must take a lot of patience and precision
Rumpelstiltskin: GET IN THERE, STUPID STRAW!
Rumpelstiltskin: Sorry, did you say something?
Cora: *Is annoyed* Forget it.
Rumpelstiltskin: *Is hoping to be raunchy* Look at how long my gold is!
Cora: That’s so hot!
Rumpelstiltskin: Wait, you’re actually turned on by my double entendres? I mean…
Rumpelstiltskin: Of COURSE you are!
Rumpelstiltskin: Okay, this has never happened before….stand up…let her have a look at everything…should I Keep the coat on or off? I should take it off that way she sees EVERYTHING but at the same time, the coat is unique and it gives me flair of personality…
Cora: Look, just help me
Rumpelstiltskin: I know! I’ll seduce her with my intellectual skills!
Rumpelstiltskin: Wanna see the size of my marriage contract?
Rumpelstiltskin: Say yes! Say yes! Say yes!
Cora: This is your “I surrender my first born” contract. And it’s like…the first line there is…how did Cinderella miss this? Did you move it to the small print after this?
Rumpelstiltskin: Oh um…*Is awkward* How did that get in there?
Rumpelstiltskin: It was ALL on accident that those got switched up!
*Is trying to do his best ‘trust me’ face
Cora: Teach me how to be evil! Er…powerful!
Rumpelstiltskin: Look, the waiting list of aroused women who want me to teach them is REALLY high up right now, I don’t think you’re going to jump right in line!
Cora: You don’t have a client list.
Rumpelstiltskin: What? Y-yes I do!
Cora: No one likes you enough to want to be with you!
Rumpelstiltskin: *Starts crying*
Rumpelstiltskin: I mean….*Giggles*
Rumpelstiltskin: *Is trying to hold his sobs in*
Rumpelstiltskin: Fine whatever lady, I’ll teach you!
Rumpelstiltskin: And if there’s no ink then just dip it in my pocket because I think it just leaked everywhere in there.
Rumpelstiltskin: Okay Charming, was picking me up, spinning me in a circle and throwing me on the bed REALLY necessary?
Emma: I’m supposed to believe this is invisible chalk, right? We couldn’t just go to Wal-Mart and buy a box for like 3 bucks?
Rumpelstiltskin: We blew the budget for Rose McGowan.
Rumpelstiltskin: Now I’m going to take a nap and you crazy kids get to fortifying this place up, okay?
Emma: *Is annoyed* You know…the letters on your name were disappearing rather fast…how would you like to make it faster?
Rumpelstiltskin: Oh Emma, one thing I’m not known for is going too fast.
Emma: I’m out of here!
Charming: Should’ve spun him TWICE.
Rumpelstiltskin: Hey you…dark headed one!
Rumpelstiltskin: Hi…how are you doing today…this blanket sucks, can you please get me the quilt you made when we were dating. I don’t like to brag but…best years of my life those were…
Snow: Yes because that’s all I want to look at are remnants of old relationships that only exist in crack pairings now
Snow: HEY! WAZZAT?!
Rumpelstiltskin: Oh good, you saw it, I didn’t think you would!
Emma: I feel so silly!
Baelfire: You know, he’s probably fooling ya. He used to do that with the maids too. He used to tell them that so they’d bend over at the doorways and then he’d sit there and enjoy the view
Emma: Stop! I’m using serious magic business!
*Is mimicking his father*
Emma: You’re not helping me believe you’re any different than he is!
Baelfire: Those eleven years have been good to you!
Emma: NOT HELPING!
Emma: I have to sell this magic invisible chalk bit okay? Now if you keep hanging around then I’ll use this finger width to infer something that would make you feel inadequate for the rest of your life!
Charming: You two better not be having romantic character development in here!
Charming: I’m not sure I Like that symbolism you have in your hand there!
Emma: Don’t look at me! I don’t encourage him!
Snow: Well…I could crush her heart or control her….
Rumpelstiltskin: And have a very pissed off Regina on your hands and no one would protect you because I’d be dead and Blue is useless. Next!
Snow: I could….like…force her to go after Regina too…
Rumpelstiltskin: Except Regina’s already tried to kill her mother several times and would kill you in a heartbeat once she realized what you did! And you’d have a pissed off Regina on your hands and I’d be dead and couldn’t protect you and Blue is useless! Next!
*Is enjoying being the most important member of the team*
Snow: I could-
Snow: I didn’t SAY anything!
Rumpelstiltskin: Forcing Cora to enact a stampede that chases Regina around or controlling her to turn Regina’s scarf into a python wouldn’t work because I already tried those!
Rumpelstiltskin: Looks like the best solution is to keep me alive! So glad that all works out!
Snow: Why do I have to shove her heart back IN after I curse it? I mean it’s already been established that the heart and body are connected! What kind of overly complicated curse is this?
Rumpelstiltskin: Well how should I know? It’s not my cursed candle! I just swiped it from Cora when she wasn’t looking! I didn’t even grab the instruction manual!
Snow: Why can’t you just shove it in yourself?
Rumpelstiltskin: Hello! Dying here!
Rumpelstiltskin: Just curse her heart and shove it in her chest, okay?! It’s NOT that complicated!
Snow: What happens if I don’t curse the heart and shove it in and she’s like…nice?
Rumpelstiltskin: Snow, she wanted your mother’s knees and neck broken because of a tripping incident…and your mother wasn’t the only one. I’m pretty sure if she loved Regina, it would mean bad things for you all since you’re the ones keeping her from Henry!
Snow: What if-
Rumpelstiltskin: Not going to happen!
Snow: Well…okay I guess! And don’t worry about me knowing how to restore a heart. Charming did that metaphorically for me after you ripped it out when you left!
Rumpelstiltskin: Oh….this is going to be an issue, isn’t it?
Emma: Okay so…the invisible chalk barrier is set up! I still feel stupid for saying that.
Rumpelstiltskin: Good! Everyone clear the room! I’m gonna magic Emma up!
Rumpelstiltskin: For real! Everyone but Emma get out!
Rumpelstiltskin: You work that coat girl, that’s right.
Emma: So are we doing this or am I going to have to worry about dying of old age before Cora and Regina get here?
Rumpelstiltskin: In a minute! My dying heart hurts!
Emma: *Feels bad*
Emma: Okay, here goes…..
Rumpelstiltskin: STOP THINKING!
Emma: Is that what you used to tell Regina? Because she certainly paid attention to that lesson!
Rumpelstiltskin: Ow, that hurts.
Emma: Okay, so it’s about emotion then….okay…well that’s great…good thing part of your curse entailed me to go out in the world and get hurt enough so that I closed myself off and made it hard to connect with people! Using my emotions will work great!
Rumpelstiltskin: Don’t sass me! Just think about Henry and your parents and Bae and especially me as all your loved ones that you want to protect!
Rumpelstiltskin: *Is trying to check out* Can’t you take off your coat?
Emma: I thought my newfound relationship to your family freaked you out.
Rumpelstiltskin: It did! But I’m dying!
*Is being protected*
Emma: This is almost as good as sex!
Rumpelstiltskin: Being with me has that effect.
Emma: How was that?
Rumpelstiltskin: I-I guess good? We could throw Charming to the door and see if he bounces back. I don’t know, your hair blowing back could be the air kicking in…so I hope you did succeed!
Cora: Come ON, I’m BORED, can’t we just turn on some music?!
Rumpelstiltskin: You kids today think you have it SO hard. Back in my day when we wanted to hear music while spinning, we would have to play spoons. And our hands were occupied at the wheel so we had to have the spoons in our mouths and bang them on our knees. It was AWKWARD!
Rumpelstiltskin: We didn’t have bands at our dancing events either! We had to deal with someone singing off tune in the corner while everyone else mimicked the instruments!
Cora: You were the one that sang off key, weren’t you?
Rumpelstiltskin: I fed off that anger that came with that when I became the dark one. Or maybe it was something about the soldier that humiliated me in front of Bae and how I wanted to chew on his crunchy veins.
Cora: Veins don’t crunch.
Rumpelstiltskin: I know. He had a condition.
Cora: That is SO hot.
Rumpelstiltskin: So I have to deal with a fan girl then. Oh joy. Careful Rumpel, play this wrong and she’ll never stop trying to cope feels and get into your house.
Rumpelstiltskin: Can I give you a massage?
Rumpelstiltskin: Some bicep warm-ups?
Rumpelstiltskin: I’ll just steady your arms, how about that?
Cora: *Sigh* FINE!
Cora: So the first guy I ever wanted to kill was Barry and that was because he stole my cubby in Kindergarten and…what are you doing?
Rumpelstiltskin: I’m NOT wiping my nose!
Cora: And then there was Samantha and she got to ride down the slide in front of me and it was really hot and it burned my legs but her legs were fine.
Rumpelstiltskin: My god, what have I done?
Cora: And then in second grade, Lucy didn’t pull the jump rope up high enough so it hit me in the face and I got a black eye.
Rumpelstiltskin: Shut up! Please shut up!
Cora: And then I wanted to kill Kermit the Frog….do I even need a reason?
Rumpelstiltskin: *Puts face in shoulder to muffle the sobs of woe coming for Kermit’s fate*
Cora: And you know what? Everyone responsible for that recent Muppet Movie AND the Smurfs!
Cora: And then there was third grade, where –
Rumpelstiltskin: IT’S DONE! IT’S DONE!
Cora: Oh geez, I didn’t get to the balloon debacle of third grade!
Rumpelstiltskin: That’s okay! I really don’t want to hear it!
Cora: But we have so much more straw to get through!
Cora: It all started with Leslie Von Dupenstein…..
Cora: Die Leslie Von Dupenstein, DIE!
Cora: Here! Have this golden magical thread…and I stand by my previous stance! How is this currency spent?!
Xavier: Top of the line Hobby Lobby thread too!
Cora: Do I get your son or not?
Xavier: Sure, whatever…I was planning to disown him anyway.
Henry: *Ahem* *Takes heroic pose* Fear not gentle maiden!
Xavier: Check out this gold.
Eva: Sweet, maybe it can pay for the slippers she ruined when she tripped over me. And then maybe I won’t start a war over it.
Henry: I shall be a husband most noble, heroic, and tall!
Cora: We’ll see about THAT!
Henry: *Is in love*
Rumpelstiltskin: I wonder what I would’ve done if she hadn’t made that oddly specific claim that landed me right to her doorstep….