219 - Lacey Part 2

 Emma: What are we doing here?

Charming: Emma…

Emma: This isn’t the funky hat contest!

Charming: We know! We wanted it to be a surprise

Emma: I got dressed up for this! I’m walking home!

Charming: Maybe we shouldn’t have gone all out on lying to Emma.

Snow: We could have a funky hat contest here…

Emma: You know, it seems out of character that I would wear this. It’s not even raining!

Charming: Guess what, Emma? We’re all going home!

Snow: Surprise!

Emma: ….

Emma: This hasn’t come up between any of us, yet?

Emma: Eww, tinglies!

*Beans grow fast in this universe. A few days have barely passed in time line*

Hurley: ZOMGZ! EMMA!

Emma: Who is this!

 

Hurley: She digs me.

Emma: *Is lightly hugging*

 

Emma: *Is trying to remember*

 

Emma: TINY! It’s you!

 

Emma: Thanks for telling me he was back and human sized, you guys!

Charming: Since when do we have enough screen time to tell anyone anything?

 

Hurley: I’m going to be the hero of this show…

 

Emma: But I’m the hero of this show.

 

Hurley: Emma, according to someone that actually recorded it, you lost over an hour of screen time that you had last year.

 

Grumpy: Hey, don’t make me shank you like last time!

 

Hurley: My second in command is really intense.

 

Emma: *Giggles inappropriately*

Charming: That’s our Grumpy!

Snow: *Knew this would happen if Grumpy got power*

 

Emma: *Giggles*

 

Emma: Wait…if we go home then there won’t’ be a Pizza Hut…

 

Emma: Or a Starbucks….

 

Emma: Or indoor plumbing!

 

Charming: We feel your pain. But castles and Ogres and primitive living trumps things like electricity and Bioshock.

 

Emma: THERE WON’T BE BIOSHOCK?!

 

Charming: This isn’t…going as well as I would hope.

Snow: Might’ve considered that when I remembered that every time you were in the Enchanted Forest, it hasn’t exactly worked out for you….

 

Snow: But this world has hurt you! I mean…what has it given you?!

 

Emma: ….

 

Emma: HENRY!

 

Charming: Uh….anything else?

 

Emma: Bumblebee my bug….

 

Rumpelstiltskin: I got a twelve course meal and a carriage ride that’ll take us…um…where did you go?

 

Rumpelstiltskin: Nurse! Get in here!

Nurse Ratchet: What? I have actual patients to get to!

 

Rumpelstiltskin: This bed is atrociously unmade!

 

Rumpelstiltskin: I thought you said this was the best hospital in the city! Get that janitorial staff!

 

Ratchet: Right away!

 

Rumpelstiltskin: I guess Belle could always be in the bathroom….

 

Rumpelstiltskin: What on earth is…

 

Rumpelstiltskin: This town has a place called the ‘Rabbit Hole’? Since when?!

 

Rumpelstiltskin: Oh gross, is there were the plot that no one cared about happened last season on MY centric episode?

 

Rumpelstiltskin: And why is the sign on the inside?

 

Rumpelstiltskin: Excuse me, I’m looking for a hot girl…brown hair…slightest hint of an accent…running around in a hospital gown….will respond to Belle….

 

Barkeep: That sounds like Lacey…boy, she can ring my bell any day!

 

Rumpelstiltskin: Your love life does not fascinate me unless I’m chasing the same woman.

 

Rumpelstiltskin: Now have you seen the love of my life for the week or haven’t you?

 

Lacey: YATZEE!

 

Lacey: *Is playing stick like it’s an air guitar*

 

Rumpelstiltskin: *Aged approximately 20 years*

 

Mr. Clark: I’m alive, by the way!

 

Rumpelstiltskin: Belle! What are you doing conversing with….*Shudders* Dwarves!

 

Lacey: They’re called ‘little people’ and I don’t think you have any right to talk

 

Mr. Clark: *Giggles*

 

Lacey: Now go cry in your teacup!

Rumpelstiltskin: Where did you get the money to get whatever it is that you’re wearing?!

 

Rumpelstiltskin: *Quick check out*

 

Belle: I wish that if Rumpelstiltskin went to the beach, that he’d take me as well! That way sweeping up the sand when he comes in here with his beach gear and beach clothes would be worth it!

 

Rumpelstiltskin: Morning Belle! Why are the curtains open? I thought this was supposed to have happened before Skin Deep!

 

Belle: What is that?!

 

Rumpelstiltskin: Oh, Rob and I were just having hamburgers and he kicked his at me and I got ketchup over everything.

 

Belle: That’s more blood, isn’t’ it?

 

Rumpelstiltskin: Yep! Get to washing!

Belle: Why do I even need to wash and dry your aprons! If you’re so eager to torture him then use your magic!

Rumpelstiltskin: There’s no magic better than air drying!

 

Belle:  Don’t throw your bloody apron on the dining table, you beast! We EAT there!

 

Belle: And where are you going at this ungodly hour?

 

Rumpelstiltskin: For heaven’s sakes Belle!

 

Rumpelstiltskin: I’m going to Don Juanitos Mexican Restaurant

 

Rumpelstiltskin: The girl that plays the Maracas is single again!

 

Belle: *Is jealous* Why? So you can marry her and break up with her a week later like the last five?

 

Rumpelstiltskin: ….

 

Rumpelstiltskin: Seven!

 

Belle: It’s just me and Robin Hood all here by ourselves! *Squees*

 

Robin Hood: His face when I kicked that hamburger on him was EPIC. That’s what happens when you forget the onions…

 

Belle: Huh.

Robin Hood: What? Here to give me water.

Belle: Oh no, this is mine. I came down here to enjoy the view and keep from getting dehydrated.

 

Belle: I also expected more blood.

Robin Hood: Eh, I guess he heals me…

 

Belle: I need your saliva…it’s for my…um…collection….

 

Belle: There’s my rope! Rumpelstiltskin asked me to hang the chandelier after cleaning it and I couldn’t find the rope!

 

Belle: Hey Robin! Wanna experience something funny?

Robin: No! No!

 

Robin: *Is dropped*

 

Belle: So, my boss needs to learn what locks are…There’s a fairly good chance you might’ve been able to escape that somewhere in your screaming pain…

 

Robin: Well….

 

Robin: See ya, lady…

 

Robin: Oh wait….I should’ve asked, are you here unwillingly?

 

Belle: Well, yes and no, but I’m nowhere NEAR stupid enough to leave with the guy that already got owned once by my boo. My family would die.

 

Robin: But you’d risk your life in letting me go?

 

Belle: He won’t kill me; he said I make the best Chili Dogs he ever tasted.

 

Robin: Whatever. See ya, lady.

 

Belle: Wait! I didn’t ask for a lock of your hair!

 

Rumpelstiltskin: I hope you brought your ‘death’ dress because you’re getting fit for your coffin, Regina!

 

Regina: Oh, so you met Lacey?

 

Rumpelstiltskin: What are you doing here? What sort of work could you possibly be doing? You don’t run anything! The Charmings do!

 

Regina: Cool your jets, okay? It took a lot of the budget to decorate this room and no one wants to see that go to waste!

 

Regina: Also, you might want to tell your new best Charming friends to take you to the barber shop because your hair is getting longer than mine!

 

Regina: Mmhmm! *Is confidant she told him off*

 

Rumpelstiltskin: *Hisses*

 

Rumpelstiltskin: Did you really do this to get back at me because I wanted to LIVE?! That’s about as unprofessional as your outfit, Regina.

 

Regina: Well as you reminded me, I’m not technically the mayor anymore, so it doesn’t matter how short my skirt is! And you’re just jealous because it’s still more than what I made Lacey wear!

 

Rumpelstiltskin: I’m sorry…making me miserable has benefited you….when?

 

Regina: Um…..eh….That one time…when…

 

Regina: That doesn’t matter! You can’t do anything to me without pissing Belle off! Because…that’s….never stopped you before really…

 

Rumpelstiltskin: Your plans never work out…do you realize that I’m going to be on the warpath? And I hate you most of all? I mean….I can’t say this enough, Regina. This plan is…I Mean…other than a middle finger towards me, how is this going to work?

 

Rumpelstiltskin: Now I’m going to sit here until you fix her.

 

Regina: Okay, but my mom used to sit in that chair.

 

Rumpelstiltskin: Yeah? Big deal, it’s not like I haven’t seen all that.

 

Regina: And then there was the time that Hook had a bath in the sink and he was drying out and sat there naked.

 

Rumpelstiltskin: GROSS!

 

Rumpelstiltskin: I should remind you that Henry and I are best friends and he knows things….lots of things….

 

Regina: *Is scared but trying to hold the gaze*

 

Regina: If you’re done? I have Hooked Queen fanfiction to edit….

 

Rumpelstiltskin: As if that’ll be more popular than Rumbelle or Golden Swan…

 

Granny: Ugh, where is Ruby for all the heavy lifting!?

 

Red: Honey, I can’t believe you asked me to quit my job!

 

Jefferson: I’m rich though! And you don’t have to worry about making rent again! Or lifting Chili! Little Jefferson is growing in there!

 

Red: Or little Red!

 

Jefferson: I was going to call her Jeffersonette…

 

Red: ….

 

Jefferson: *Puppy eyes* Consider it?

 

Granny: Thanks for your non-help there, Charmless!

Charming: Here’s some money for the extra labor…

 

Granny: What are you kids up to?

 

Grumpy: That’s for us to know and you to find out when it’s the opportune time that you weren’t consulted on!

 

Rumpelstiltskin: Wow Charming, that is a lot of chili…it’s probably not as good as Belle’s though *Sniffles* She used to make the best chili dogs…

 

Grumpy: Are you….crying?

 

Rumpelstiltskin: So…in light of us being friends…

 

Charming: No we’re not!

 

Rumpelstiltskin: …Well, you’re the closest thing I have to a guy with a healthy dating life other than Jefferson and he and Red never pick up their bedroom phone! So I’m stuck with you!

 

Rumpelstiltskin: So Regina forced false memories on Belle to get back at me…and since you guys are probably just going to let her get away with terrorizing an innocent girl…I figure you should at least give me dating advice.

 

Rumpelstiltskin: Mostly because the longest relationship I ever had was with Emma and she didn’t even want to be in a relationship with me…so she claims.

 

Charming: So, you’re freaking out that Regina gave Belle false memories even though you did the same thing to me for…no reason really.

 

Rumpelstiltskin: It was funny then! I don’t know if you remember but in the Enchanted Forest you slit my face in a fight, didn’t invite me to the wedding, and imprisoned me!

 

Charming: I did all that?

 

Rumpelstiltskin: *Feelings are hurt* You don’t remember?

 

Charming:  I slit a lot of faces, didn’t invite a lot of people to the wedding, and imprisoned a lot of people!

 

Rumpelstiltskin: Yes, but I was the only sexy one!

 

Granny: What about Mortimer that one guard?

 

Rumpelstiltskin: I’m not in the position to decide if Mortimer was sexy or not Granny, you’d have to ask someone else!

 

Charming: Why should I help you again? You made my wife murder someone!

 

Rumpelstiltskin: I hate to burst your bubble, but Snow was taunting me about letting me die while you were off…doing whatever. I think you’re forgetting that she WANTED to kill Cora way before I got there. And...you know...I WANTED TO LIVE!

 

Rumpelstiltskin: Anyway, you remember what it was like as David Nolan, don’t you?

 

Charming: Erm…NO!

 

Rumpelstiltskin: Liar!

 

Charming: I’ll only help you because I don’t want a Davida Nolan running around. But not because we’re friends or co grandparents or because Henry tells me that I need lessons…

 

Rumpelstiltskin: Perfect! This is the best opportunity to get drunk and talk about women! Let’s go, wingman!

 

Charming: I’m not your wingman!

 

Belle: Oh that Doctor McNinja….

 

Belle: Oh, the last batch of laundry shrunk the back of Rumpel’s pants…*Is quiet* Yesss…..

 

Rumpelstiltskin: IN case you’re wondering…that date did NOT go well. I brought Jiminy because he owed me a Quesadilla and he and the Maraca girl hit it off instead!

 

Rumpelstiltskin: So, because I can’t imagine ever harming my six legged two antennae’d tux wearing BFF, I have to take it out on Robbie.

 

Belle: Hm, hope he doesn’t notice that Robin’s gone….

Rumpelstiltskin: AIIEEEEEE!

Belle: Guess he did…

 

Rumpelstiltskin: What’d you do?

 

Belle: What?

Rumpelstiltskin: Don’t’ give me those doe eyes! Only a master locksmith could pick those shackles! And it certainly wasn’t my victim!

 

Belle: *Is caught!*

 

Belle: Regina did it!

 

Rumpelstiltskin: If Regina did it, I would have her on my security cameras and I don’t! I have you!

 

Belle: Oh…I should’ve hacked into those…

 

Rumpelstiltskin: You’re grounded! No Doctor McNinja for you!

 

Belle: B-but I wanted to see how he pulled off the knife eye attack!

 

Rumpelstiltskin: The only way to solve this is if you road trip with me!

 

Belle: I don’t want to road trip with you! You speed and eat all the snacks!

 

Rumpelstiltskin: I let you have the gummy worms!

 

Belle: I wanted the gummy bears! You acted out little stories with them and bit their limbs and heads off to make me cry!

 

Rumpelstiltskin: I didn’t do it to make you cry, that’s what you’re SUPPOSED to do!

 

Rumpelstiltskin: And he made off with the wand! Belle! You’re RIGHT NEXT TO THIS! How did you POSSIBLY miss that it wasn’t here?!

 

Rumpelstiltskin: This is why I can never find my glasses! You’re a HORRIBLE maid!

 

Belle: He might be good! Just because he broke into our house and did something that could’ve ended in your death doesn’t mean he’s all that bad!

 

Rumpelstiltskin: Do you realize how long I’ve been torturing him? I had to wear an apron! So I didn’t get my clothes dirty! And it’s not even tied on that well! My chest keeps getting soaked!

 

Rumpelstiltskin: And on top of that, I just look silly!

 

Belle: You can’t know what’s in a person’s heart until you truly know them!

 

Rumpelstiltskin: Really?! Because I can just watch TV and see all the crazies of the world and know the insanity that’s in their heart without having a conversation!

 

Rumpelstiltskin: And I’m using his bow! And we’re taking the carriage! I don’t know why…I doubt he got that far with the condition we were pretending he was in!

 

Rumpelstiltskin: And when he’s all bloody and dripping, then it’s going to be you to wipe it up!

 

Rumpelstiltskin: I’m going to go get the better seat!

 

Belle: Except he’s going to be dripping blood in the dirt, Rumpelstiltskin!