Once Upon A Time: Abridged: 220

Regina: So, did I light the mines?

Hook: What was the sense in putting a giant pissed off dragon under the town again?

Regina: Killian-

Hook: Look at the size of this place! *Yodels*

Regina: *Is having second thoughts about the new man in her life.*

Hook: Hey! I know that look! You have the same ‘Let’s screw, Killian in the way he DOESN”T prefer’ face that Emma and Cora did!

Regina: Whaaat? No I don’t!

Hook: Okay, I believe you. So…where’s the dragon? I sort of wanted to ride on its back over town.

Regina: Oh, she’s dead or something, but since the spell keeps her sustained…she’s like….a permanent zombie.

Regina: Hook, wanna go bungee jumping?

Hook: No! And stop checking me out! I’m going to call you Cora Jr.

Regina: Oh, I am doing no such thing. *Is admiring the view*

Hook: I swear, if you don’t stop, I’m going to bring Emma and Red with us and make a harem!

Regina: *Beat*

*Is pushed*

Hook: AAAIIIEEEEE!

Hook: AUGH! Okay, that’s my spine….

Hook: Seriously, how am I MOVING right now?

Maleficent: BRRAAINNNN!!!!

Hook: Nooo! My ribs JUST inexplicably healed earlier this season!

Maleficent: BRAAINNNNSSSS

*Well, at least she looks more like Maleficent*

Hook: Maleficent! You got taller!

Maleficent: Hook, is that you? Time for that date you promised me!

Hook: Oh gods, I forgot about that! Leave me alone!

Maleficent: I’m a Nazgul! Who knew?

Maleficent: *Trips*

Hook: HAHAHAHA! You’re one of those uncoordinated tall people! Sucker!

*Is growing taller*

Hook: Uh…Maleficent, what are you doing? Don’t do that!

Maleficent: It’s time to go to the MOVIES, Killian!

Hook: Why do I keep putting myself into these situations?

Hook: No! Leave me alone! Ack! Eek! Listen, if you don’t leave me alone then I’ll just torment you until you’re big enough for me to jump on and ride out of here!

Regina: What the heck is going on down there? Eh, who cares? Time to go stare at something that represents my failure to bury Snow alive.

Regina: I do wonder how this is still intact with a dragon turned zombie and Emma lumbering around down here. I do also have to wonder about why Rumpelstiltskin didn’t make sure Maleficent was taken care of when his girlfriend is right upstairs.

Regina: And here it….

Regina: Oh wait, that’s a rock, Maleficent just switched them out.

Regina: No Rumpelstiltskin, I don’t want to celebrate your birthday with you, go find some real friends…

Snow: ZOMG! You dated Rumpelstiltskin too?!

Regina: GAH! NO!

Snow: Good, because half the realm has and it’s always awkward at book club. There’s just something about those leather pants…

Regina: No, there most certainly is not!

Snow: Ooo! You just have a head injury! You’ll see sense soon enough.

Regina: Is my hair okay?

Regina: I don’t want to look like you…I mean what’s up with your face? Been living in the forest or something?

Snow: You know, you’re starting to sound a LOT like my stepmother!

Regina: Good! She’s amazing!

Regina: Ow, my hair…

Regina: Wait…we’re in a forest?! But I thought you had houses all over! And where’s Red?!

Regina: Chasing after the person who taught me all kinds of stuff that may or may NOT be Robin Hood. I told her it was folly. The other day, this really hot guy in a giant hat stopped by and asked me if I’d seen a girl in red that he heard about and I have to say that he was a MUCH better catch.

Regina: Jefferson? No, that’s impossible. I just left him at his place and he was cuddled up to the mirror!

Snow: Well, I do have to say that he was staring at his reflection in my eyes the entire time but if they hadn’t missed each other by just milliseconds, I think they would’ve worked out.

Snow: *Is jealous of Red* And that makes me SO happy!

Regina: Geez, she’s starting to slip. If only I had my sanity pills to give her…

Snow: Now! Time to see about that leg wound that…I’m not sure how you got…I guess from the fall….

Regina: Geez Snow, buy me dinner first!

Snow: Well, blood and pus aren’t gushing out anymore, so it doesn’t look like we’ll have to amputate the whole leg…

Regina: I was never a fan of your sense of humor.

Snow: How do you know my sense of humor?

Regina: I-uh…um…I would if…If I knew you. Oh, is that the fever? I think I’m getting it again.

Regina: Just let me sleep!

Regina: Is she still looking?

Snow: Yes. She is.

Regina: Wow…awkward.

Snow: You really do remind me of my stepmother, are you sure you’re not her?

Regina: Curses, she’s far craftier than I thought!

Snow: Well, time to move! Regina went on a vacation or something and we have to go deeper into the woods! But you will get your strength back and I’ll help you get it faster by making you carry all my stuff.

Regina: Aw, that’s that sense of humor I know and loathe.

Regina: Oh wait, she’s serious! Snow!

Snow: Keep up Wilma!

Emma: Neither Neal nor Tamara will notice THIS car!

Henry: Across the street is the therapist office. Archie has seen us pull up and he’s waiting at the window for you to go out and say hi.

Emma: I’m not saying ‘hi’. He went on a comedy tour so he didn’t have to talk about his near death experience and fake death. He didn’t inform me until he sent me a text that said ‘I’m going on a comedy tour so that I don’t have to think about my near death experience and fake death’.

Henry: Well, anything’s better than sitting here listening to you blather about how you think Neal is innocent when it’s clear that he is not!

Henry: When we get rid of Neal, do you think Rumpelstiltskin might let me call him 'Grandpa Dad'?

Emma: Henry, I’m not sure that name should leave this car.

Emma: DUCK!

Henry: Mom, everyone can still see your massive forehead.

Emma: Oh never mind, it’s just somebody from the Nobody family…

Emma: I’ll tell you something, Henry…if Neal is innocent…

Emma: We’re going to get married and give you lots of little siblings!

Emma: *Is smug*

Henry: Neal has to get through me first.

Emma: *Is sizing him up* And you have to get through me!

Henry: Challenge accepted!

Emma: You’re not supposed to challenge your mother over who she wants to date because you want her to date your grandfather so he can teach you to be evil! What family does that?!

Henry: Yes but we’re…..no ordinary family

Emma: Oh, we’re about to be! If I have to drag Neal up the aisle myself to prove you wrong, we’re about to be!

*Ducks*

Henry: Now they can see your massive forehead AND half your face!

Tamara: And so then she was all like ‘Well, this is what you look like when you smile.’ And then she did the most outrageous face I’ve ever seen! It didn’t even look like me!

Henry: They’re giggling together. That clearly means they’re both evil.

Emma: *Is mentally crying * Neal…you were my one hope! And don’t drink my coffee! It’ll stunt your growth!

Henry: Grandpa said the best way to be evil is to be short!

Emma: I know Red would give me the key in a heartbeat but since she and Jefferson are staring googly eyed at each other in their Jacuzzi…and to think “I” could’ve had that!

Henry: You know, this would be easier if you just learned magic and learned to open doors!

Emma: Yeah, and who will teach me? Rumpelstiltskin? Saw how well that went with Regina and Cora. No thanks.

Henry: We could be a little evil family!

Emma: We will NOT be a little evil family! Rumpelstiltskin bursts into tears when he does his signature greeting to me! It’s all ruined now!

Emma: Now you stay here and be lookout! I’m going to go move things around in Neal and Tamara’s room and freak them out!

Henry: Eh, I’m bored already.

Henry: If you want to glue things on the ceiling, I’m your guy! Regina’s still trying to figure out how I got the oven up there once!

Emma: No! You have to be lookout! If Neal or Tamara comes back then you have to be like…all secretive and stuff.

Henry: why can’t I just yell out ‘hey Emma, they’re coming!’ because…where are you going to hide?

Emma: Under the bed.

Henry: What if they want to have sex while you’re under there?

Emma: *Just went mentally dead at that image*

Emma: *Is considering going back home and hiding under the covers thanks to that mental image*

Emma: Henry, this is a fantasy, not a sitcom. And it will almost never happen.

Henry: Mom! You closed that on my scarf!

Emma: Hey! Granny cheated me! His fireplace is bigger than mine was!

Emma: *Is searching for loose change*

Emma: Nope, nothing in this giant wardrobe either. Or in Neal’s one jacket.

Emma: Hm. Nothing in the more obvious places….well, I give up.

Emma: A loose floorboard in an inn?! THAT is suspicious! Usually Granny points a crossbow and the floor gets so scared that it straightens out automatically.

Henry: Are you done yet? Mom! My scarf is still in the door!

Baelfire: *Has been standing there for ten minutes without Henry noticing*

Henry: HEY EMMA! NEAL’S HERE!

Baelfire: You guys are searching for lost change!

Baelfire: Emma! Were you going to jump out the window in case I came in?

Henry: I did everything I could to stop him.

Emma: So…there is a rational explanation to all of this!

Emma: I think your fiancé is a psychopathic murderer who killed August and wants to expose us all.

Baelfire: *Crickets*

Henry: She’s insane. You should leave town.

Emma: Have you seen Tamara? She smiles WAY too much for someone that’s spent any time in this town…she’s clearly up to something…

Baelfire: I’m taking you accusing my fiancé of murdering people remarkably well!

Baelfire: Emma! Why couldn’t you confront me with any proof you might have?

Emma: I do have proof! She had a list of names! That proves EVERYTHING!

Baelfire: So she doesn’t insult them by calling them the wrong thing!

Henry: I just noticed that my dad is wearing a scarf with similar colors to mine and for that, he must pay.

Emma: Well, there’s also a loose floorboard and that will also prove everything!

Henry: Nah woman, you blew it.

Baelfire: Emma, I’m not going to help you with your insanity, so don’t give me that disapproving look, okay?

Emma: *Disapproving Look*

Emma: Do I need to remind you that I went to prison for your crime?

Baelfire: Emma, you got to stop using that as an excuse for everything you want me to do for you. It got old when you wanted me to refill your soda at the diner.

Emma: Fine! Sleep next to a murderer! See if I care, which don’t, which is a lie to say that I do!

Emma: I mean, if she stabs you in the throat while you sleep, don’t come crying to me!

Baelfire: Okay, but only because I’m bored.

Emma: *Is struggling*

Emma: Oh, my knee was on it. That- that’s embarrassing.

Baelfire: Oh there’s nothing there.

Emma: Hm...too obvious. I guess we’ll have to rip up the ceiling, rip up the floors and tear these walls down because I know I’m right

Emma: And don’t you say a word!

Baelfire: You just accused my fiancé of murder! Why am “I” the bad guy?!

Snow: Well, that’s the last time Wilma cooks for us! Blech!

Regina: *Is failing at sitting up* Oh, this crick in my back! I can’t move! What kind of rock did Snow stick under my mattress?!

Regina: Oh wait, that’s not a rock, that’s the knot in my back.

Snow: Well lady, it’s time to go. I’ve slept on nothing but a dirt floor because you got the only bed and I am incredibly stiff. So we better get moving because I’ll be moving a lot slower.